The Queen Mother's Diaries: A Ming AAR

1728-35, Wanli, last of the Mings

28 December 1728



I hope the Eunuchs are not giving him ideas .. he does need to produce an heir



Oh triple deckers sound delicious

6 December 1729



No wonder he isn't breeding, I mean reading this stuff would send anyone to sleep

1 May 1731



wonder if we are going a little too far to the west, Wanli does seem so unbalanced

12 October 1731



Went to a state banquet, under Wanli the quality of the catering really is in decline

4 January 1732



Another New Years Party where I had to try and explain the facts of life to Wanli

4 March 1732



Well Wanli maybe useless but its nice to see so many men with big lances riding around these days.

4 July 1732



Wanli is starting to annoy me now. I went to see to check on how the breeding programme was going and he pretended to be ill.

On the subject of annoying people, I haven't seen Harry around for a while.

7 January 1733



Good, I can have more peacocks now

6 May 1733



I do not understand the fixation these Ming emperors have with hiding in big forts. Its not as if anyone is threatening them.

10 July 1733



reading this stuff explains why he's not breeding, it must be sending him to sleep every night.

I will go and visit, he needs to be livened up.

16 September 1735



I tried to explain the breeding idea to Wanli .... again. That nice Mr Shi helped out by holding the cannon while I showed Wanli the basic principles. Unfortunately Mr Shi lit the cannon a little bit prematurely.

[H – oi, its Emperor Shi if you don't mind]

And at this stage it is tradition to urge any readers to please vote in the Aarland Choice Awards (ACAs). Go and provide a nice moral(e) boost for your favourite authors.

Ashantai said:

Oh wow...a change of dynasty!

Something tells me that Gaoxu might not be happy with the Queen mother floating around.

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that did surprise me. Well at least initially its the other way around ... she is very displeased and rather over-romantices how nice the Mings were.

Stuyvesant said:

When the Queen Mother tries to explain 'breeding' to the Emperors, it rarely has the desired effect. Never more so than in this case... Well, you still have an Emperor, even if your legitimacy went down the toilet. Having had first-hand experience of Queen Mother's adverse effect on the health of members of the Imperial Household, Emperor Shi might be a bit more careful than this iteration of Wanli.

Wait, is Harry Emperor Shi?! Either Harry's developed an unusually strong case of Imperial etiquette, or the man is masquerading/puppeteering as the Emperor himself! I can't tell for sure - it's four in the morning and I really shouldn't be up reading this stuff, but there you go. It does have a tendency to interfere with the smooth functioning of the grey matter.

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I personally wouldn't put her in charge of sex education classes, the end result is rarely what you'd expect.

Well Harry, in one of his rare moments of competence, has worked out that if you can't manipulate the Emperor to your ends then you may as well become Emperor yourself. I believe its called the 'Berlusconi model'

Fyregecko said:

Heavens. Don't you have to rename your country now or something? Oh well. At least the lancers will keep the QM's attention occupied - in troubled times, a firm shaft is essential in achieving success.

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I think the sight of those new well held and manipulated lances are all she has to cheer herself up with for the next few years ...

Stuyvesant said:

Both good points. To the second one, I would even go so far as to say: "Quite".

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unfortanately it doesn't rename. Indeed later when I absorb the Manchus it tries to rename me as Manchu. So for the first time in my life I actually managed to mod a game to retain the Ming title.

1736-1743, Gaoxu's interests in Prague lead to war with the French

9 July 1736



Things were so much better when the Mings were in charge ... these Shis are so vulgar

[H - yep]

1 January 1738



Bah, what an awful new year ... call that a fancy dress party, all walking around wearing green ... I mean green just does not suit my complexion. New Year parties with the Mings were always so much fun

[H - splutter]

10 October 1738

It is time for Gaoxu to produce an heir. But his first effort is not that impressive.



[H – so it looks like a little Demon, I mean just what do you expect ... I think he is rather cute]

20 November 1739



It seems our new Emperor has a vindictive side to his nature, I found him torturing some merchants. These things never happened under the Mings.

[H – no, I don't have a 'vindictive side', more I am 'vindictive']

7 July 1740



Now even the statues are rebelling against Gaoxu's rule

[H – humans always fall for the old tears from the stone routine]

13 July 1740



Gaoxu visited. Not only did he demand I pay for his travel expenses but he stole a peacock before going off to Prague for a short holiday

[H – gotta keep A happy]
[A – yep, no peacock, no visit]

22 January 1742

First Gaoxu disappears off to Prague for, and I quote, 'a long weekend', then some irate Frenchman turns up making all sorts of improper demands.



I set one of our new lancers on him and he limped off shouting something about 'being back soon'

12 February 1742



Well Gaoxu is back and the peacock is in a state of trauma. This never ever happened under the Mings

[A – whow Harry, that was impressive, not only a fun weekend but you wiped out the Bohemian Imperial family too]
[H – yep, got me mojo back]

25 August 1742



Now he wants to borrow the peakraken, I have warned him the poor thing has become very sensitive to criticism these days.

1 October 1742



I do hope he is not going to be too stressed by all these battles

[H – nope I'm fine thanks]

Not you dolt

25 October 1742



The peakraken came back all distressed and overworked

[H – distressed and overworked ... all it did was lie around floating on its back]

18 November 1742



Not only is the peakraken upset but all the peacocks are disturbed by the shouting. I am going to Gaoxu to complain, this has to stop. Under the Mings,this was such a nice neighbourhood.

18 January 1743



Another boring new year party, all they did was to talk about their war, and there was not a lancer in sight.

24 May 1743



And Gaoxu never cleans up the mess properly either

31 May 1743



Oh that is the last time I visit Gaoxu. Such an awful child, no manners. At war all the time with his nursemaids.

[H – yep, thats my boy]

6 July 1743

And now I find out that the peakraken has been sneaking out when I am trying to cure its stress and aggression problems.



I no longer know what China is coming to. I want the Mings back. Tradition is not what it used to be.

Stuyvesant said:

I was thinking Harry and Astarte where going to indulge in some innocent tickling games, and that that's what the peacock was for, but then the comment about massacring the Bohemian Royal family makes me wonder if the poor, put-upon animal was put to different use...

Poor Queen Mother, the times, they are a-changin' and she's having a hard time of it. I know the 'Tradition is not what it used to be' isn't the most original, but it does capture her whiny longing for a (mythical) better time rather well. Wasn't it King who has in his signature the line 'Nostalgia isn't as good as it used to be'? Anyway, I digress...

Harry's having an impressive, sustained run of success. Typically, that means things are about to take a gigantic turn for the worse any second now. Since the French appear to be well contained, I'll hazard a guess that your efforts at cozying up against the Bohemians don't pay off and you end up in a two-front land war in Asia (which must count as a big double no-no, if history is our guide).

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Assume they engaged in a bit of business before pleasure ... its not as if the peacock was going anywhere

I get away with it with Bohemia due to their regency council and France accepting a rather surprising peace deal

Malurous said:

So I guess it's true that you never really realize what you have until you lose it.

I'm a bit worried about where this AAR is going however. I think you need to add something like "No animals were harmed in the making of this after action report." or you might suddenly have PETA knocking on your door.

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Its not yet as bad as my V2 one, what with rabbits being made into stews and crocodiles into handbags (for Ingrid Bergman so pretty good fate really)

1744-1751, Gaoxu receives a lot of French lessons

8 April 1744



Gaoxu has gone off to Bohemia again. This time I hid the peacocks away before he set off. Hah

[H – wrong, got one when you weren't looking]
[A – oh Harry, what is that beneath your robe]
[H – just my peacock]
[A - squeel]

18 July 1744



Gaoxu is so much more relaxed since his visit to Prague even when I argue with him, although one of the peacocks has been acting strangely since he came back

14 January 1745



I am glad this tiresome war is not making a mess of my lawns

29 January 1745



Oh Gaoxu is insufferable now, all this boasting about what a genius he is, and that battle made a mess of my peach orchards

5 April 1745



I almost feel sorry for the French now

10 May 1745



almost, but they keep on making such a mess on my doorstep, ... this never happened under the Mings I tell you

4 July 1745



Gollllddddd ... out of the way people, I'm on my way

[H – what was that about?]

18 July 1745



damn French getting in the way all the time

4 August 1745



I warned Gaoxu, you know this sort of disaster never happened when the Ming were in charge

[H – if you had lent me a peacock that would have never have happened]

7 October 1745



After the unfortunate incident at Kulunda I went for a cruise, damn French get in the way again

29 November 1745



Oh, someone must have done something wrong again?

[H – was this, by any chance, the someone who hid the peacocks away?]

19 January 1746





I told Gaoxu, you can't demand that, the Mings would have seen sense and surrendered at this stage

[H – look leave it to me]

Oh

25 July 1746



This just proves it was beginner's luck. Gaoxu is clearly unstable.

25 July 1748



I tried to explain to Gaoxu why things were better under the Mings. It seems he is no longer in a good mood, I think he needs to go to Prague again.

1 January 1751



If there is one thing more satisfying than men with big lances, it is men with well muscled iron chests, I think I am going to enjoy this New Years party.

11 June 1751



Typical, I told Gaoxu it was never going to work out if he did that to them. I am always right in these matters.

[H - ahem]

Malurous said:

Hmm funny, I don't think I've ever seen such a peace offer get accepted. Good thing they're giving you an opportunity to find out whether it was just a one-off or not!

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Stuyvesant said:

Was French war exhaustion through the roof? Certainly, getting away with a 51-percent value peace deal when your war score is zero (and the French are just starting to win battles against you) seems to defy all reason.

At least they came back five years later, not quite on the dot, but close enough. I hope you can fight them to a standstill at least, and that the last few maneuvers of the previous war are not a harbinger of things to come.

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Ashantai said:

Very impressive getting them to surrender like that! Never seen that happen before at all.

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I really didn't understand it. I think I was playing around the peace screen and noticed they would take a White Peace, but as I had conquered all their holdings in Central America decided to see if they would give a bit more. So went to the demands and they would accept paying some money ... so I just starting adding provinces and releasese till they said no. Looking at the map they didn't have a huge rebel problem, I think their stability was about +2, but their w/e was over 9 (all those early wins when I wiped out their armies plus taking a lot of attrition).

I have before got more than the w/s justified but usually off an AI utterly beaten and trying to get you off their back. I've never seen that mis match in a war that is still very much going on (in the big one with Bohemia at the end the AI was retreating every time I advanced so I guess it had decided it had lost, the French were still sending armies and new fleets to fight.

as an edit for the next update - they do the same again so I think the AI is being aggressive with DOW and then finding it can't really sustain the wars it is getting into?

1751-1758, Gaoxu has to be very Bohemian to survive (which he doesn't)

26 June 1751



Oh well lets massacre the French navy again

5 September 1751



Gaoxu is just too willing to go war

16 September 1751



Oh this war is so easy

10 October 1751



so typical, Gaoxu is always so over-confident

25 October 1751



[H – who is overconfident then?]

4 November 1751



[A – Heh Harry, the new Archbishop was telling us the old story about you and the huge boar ...]



[H – sush ... that version is sooo embarassing]

2 May 1752



Another peacock has gone missing

[A - giggle]

20 May 1752



I thought that Gaoxu said he was going to firm up Burgundy ....

[H - zzzzzzzzzzzzz]

31 May 1752



Gaoxu has not only stolen another peacock, he is wasting all his time in Europe when Ming needs him

[A – heh, Harry its better if you pull the feather out of the peacock first you know]
[H – pah, minor detail]

23 October 1752



I really don't know why the French start all these wars, I mean all Gaoxu does is to make some silly demands and they surrender on the spot

27 September 1753



I don't think that idea has much chance

5 December 1753



At last the morals of the land around here are going to improve

29 July 1756



Oh whoops, I'd forgotten what happens when you let the peacocks sleep too close to the fire

15 March 1757



They have finally decided to properly honour me, everything will be fine from now on

3 October 1757

I warned Gaoxu that Hongxi tended to take these things so literally



[H – ah, thats my boy ... now just put it somewhere out of sight]

5 November 1757

If I hear Gaoxu going on about the importance of quality once more I will scream



hah, better out than in

[H – ouch that hurt]

20 February 1758

Gaoxu pays too much attention to those Europeans, he has to go.

Now, tea bag, peacock, peach leaf, ... very large cannon, yep I'm ready

[A – Oi, Harry come on over, I'm bored]
[H - on my way sweetie pie]



he'll end up



dead by the time I've finished with him

[A – hah, vengence is mine]

Ashantai said:

The AI seems to start wars at random, and then sometimes even asks for WP after a month!

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I've never seen peace deals like that, especially when the war was pretty much in balance ... its usually the problem of trying to force the AI to accept reality (esp for a large country)

Stuyvesant said:

Queen Mother said:

I really don't know why the French start all these wars, I mean all Gaoxu does is to make some silly demands and they surrender on the spot.

I wonder if this is where the phrase 'Cheese-eating surrender monkeys' originates from?

So let's see: France declares war, you win a few naval engagements, the French crush (nay, verily annihilate) one of your field armies, your war score tanks... Obviously, they should part with a bunch of provinces.

Another regency council - this one shouldn't take too long at least, unless the Queen Mother takes a disliking to the young man in question...

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She does ... and it doesn't

I really don't understand the French AI logic in that respect, especially not after such a huge and scary victory. Imagine what they'd surrender if I was actually winning the war?

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1758-1769: Hongxi's rampage comes to an early end

31 May 1758



Harold seems to have disappeared again, and Hongxi is turning out as badly as everyone expected.

7 July 1758



I mean even the Kazaks think that Hongxi is revolting

15 November 1758



Well I didn't expect him to rebuild it ... but did he have to tear it down? He is quite the worst Emperor in the last ... last ... last 2 years

11 May 1760



maybe he's not so bad after all

6 October 1760



Well Hongxi may be a complete nutter, but it seems that Tianqi will be so genteel and refined ... I can't wait ... in fact why should I wait?

3 May 1762



Damn, Hongxi has finally taken my advice and decided to be less infamous from now on

8 August 1762



It seems that being less infamous did not agree with him, and now he is ill from the shame of it all

6 January 1764



I am suspicious, these Shis become as scared as the Mings. I mean why do these Emperors feel they have to hide in large forts all the time? Its not as anyone wants to kill them.

10 August 1764

I knew it all along



Hongxi decides to live down to his reputation ...

9 November 1765



just why are we at war with Mexico?

[A – just a little gift to stop you from becoming bored]

2 February 1766



This I can understand, maybe Hongxi is not that bad after all

29 March 1766



Despite Hongxi being nuttier than a sesame seed, China is doing well under my expert guidance

3 July 1767



Hongxi is now convinced he is a genius, just because he won a war he didn't even know he had started

7 April 1768



They are unhappy? How do they think I feel?

4 March 1769



Hah, that was easy. Some of these Emperors just pass out at the sight of a peacock feather

...

well that and a well placed cannon ball that just happened to fall out of a peach tree near where he was walking

China is so much better ordered now that Harry has disappeared ....