The Queen Mother's Diaries: A Ming AAR

since its obviously not clear from the main post, perhaps worth stressing, I decided NOT to join with Bengal in their suicide war with GB, feeling that a long running, unresolved war with the pre-eminent land power of this EU-verse was quite enough.

Much later I do get into war with the GB and it proved surprisingly easy to peace out

Malurous said:

Gotta love the thought of those Bohemians rowing their galleys all the way to Indonesia.

As far as style goes, I think there's something to be said for the "nah I'm guessing I probably won't save that one, I'll just stand here and not try" school of goalkeeping.

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Yes the Bohemian navy is not so much a paper tiger as a soggy wet piece of paper (in no particular shape) ... their army on the other hand

Stuyvesant said:

All together now: 'Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...'

I like that image.

loki, nice job there. When I saw the manpower totals of the first coalition you faced, I thought things weren't looking particularly good for you. Next screen, I find out Astarte... I mean, Bohemia, is involved as well. And then you go and add Great Britain ("World's Greatest Navy") to your enemy list. I'm sure you'll manage to pull out of this one without much trouble, but really, your choice of enemies could stand some improvement - perhaps not invite them to the party all at the same time?

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Its a case of waiting to see if the AI actually brings that manpower to bear, we're 8 years into this war by the end of the next post and not a single Bohemian soldier has been seen (obv partying it up too much)

Dewirix said:

I remember from my Japan AAR that the UK wasn't particularly interested in making war in Asia, but perhaps its priorities have changed in DW.

The Bengali diplomatic corps doesn't seem to be having a good game at the moment.

EDIT: @loki's post below - I got your meaning, I just wanted to see if I could prod you into a fight with another major power

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Stuyvesant said:

Aww... But it would've been so much fun to watch! Fun to play, no. But to watch, certainly.

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... and thank you both

I'm actually doing quite well in N America in the next update, in the main as I have pretty near complete Naval supremacy, that alone is a good enough reason to keep GB out of my wars

1700-1706 Youshan conquers N America (& gets no credit for it)

1 January 1700

Why are all those end of century parties, just soo boring

[H – stop complaining, the readers like it]













One of these days someone will design an abacus slide show ... then we will have this sort of stuff at every meeting

7 February 1700

Youshan came to see me, all excited about his new big ships ... well I just don't care



[H – temper, temper]

I am going back to my nice peaceful palace, as I have some new recipes I will be trying out

7 April 1702



Oh I feel soo thirsty after that soup

23 April 1703



and why should I care?

29 June 1703



I am retired, stop bothering me with small details

6 August 1703

East, pah, it'll end in tears I tell you, I mean just what is over there that is so interesting?



[H – wrong]

27 August 1704

I am really, like really, not interested



16 April 1706

Oh stop trying to interest me, much more of this I am going to be very bored



[H – explosively, or just irate enough to abuse a tea cup?]

10 June 1706

I have come out of retirement, just look at the results



[H – some of us have been very busy you know]

15 June 1706



[H – well that was quick, just what did you do to the poor man with the peacock feather?]

I was simply trying to explain the difference between west and east

[H – yes]

Using a large cannon ball for emphasis

[A – woohoo, Harry, come and play with me ...]

[H – got to go]

I'm a peace loving nation engaged in a war to the death with the pre-eminent land power in Eurasia ... makes Taichang a bit less useful. Tver keeps on popping up and then getting eaten, it is usually a Sunni OPM which I guess is linked back to the Golden Horde.

Its strange but events that cripple a normal economy (like the salt thing) are really little but an irritant to me now. I have so much money sloshing around that small gains/losses make no real difference to either my wealth or my tech rate. It might if I could build on a regular basis but the magistrate limitation plus having the Bureaucrats out of power a lot means the cash just piles up.

1706-1712, in which a large war is the least of Taichang's worries

7 November 1706



Now if I was the Queen Mother of Western America I'd be delighted at this news. I am not so I am not.

[H – oh come on, cheer up, lets go and disturb Taichang]

3 January 1707



Hah, feel better for that, you know all you have to do is to stroke a peacock menacingly while juggling a peach stone and these Emperors become all ... well all aware of their mortality

5 May 1707



I know Harry's personal hygiene is poor but why was he so excited at having a sock exchange I don't know

23 October 1707



It turns out he was cleaning himself up so as to impress the Swedes

[H – am I not the diplomatic genius around here, Astarte not going to know what has hit her]

25 December 1707



Harry has gone strangely quiet ...

23 May 1708



Now he's been caught cheating, the man is a disgrace

[A – could have told you that]

18 September 1708



Taichang is really trying to impress me these days. All I need to do is to send a peacock feather in the post and he immediately gives me what I want.


20 July 1709



Harry really is impossible, he leaves a mess all over my front porch and he doesn't ... ever ... clean up after himself

8 December 1709



I know I like a good new years eve party but this was too early and much much too noisy

26 January 1710



This is so annoying --- all this endless noise and mess .. marching, screaming, all I want is some peace and quiet

[H – screaming? oh that was Astarte again]
[A – oh Harry, fighting you is such fun]

12 June 1710



Taichang really is such a whimp. All I had to do was to show him a slightly nibbled peach and look what he sent me in return

23 September 1710



Oh that is sweet, I didn't even have to do anything to threaten him

[H – look, do you mind actually helping out]

No

[A – oh Harry ignore her, just pay attention to me]

5 November 1710



[A – not that much attention]

21 April 1711



Oh, more mess on my doorstep, all these Bohemian types just clutter up the place

23 July 1711



[H – are you exhausted yet]
[A – oh not yet, Harry, we only just really started]

27 December 1711



Taichang came to see me to ask what was going on in Central Asia. I suggested he didn't worry too much about these minor matters and instead concentrate on giving me proper gifts, especially as I haven't had one for some time.

Just to assist his understanding, I was chewing a peach stone and stroking a peacock.

17 February 1712



[H – surrender]
[A - never]

17 May 1712



Oh men are so revolting

14 June 1712



I visited Taiching to check on progress with my latest present. Despite my disappointment I offered him a cup of tea, such a pity about his strange allergy. I mean most people are not allergic to being hit on the head with a cannon ball.

Please vote in the latest round of the ACAs, here. Also those of you in the UK will be delighted to know that the Radio 4 comedy show that underpins this rather silly AAR has an Olympic Special (presumably set in Hell) to be broadcast this Thursday at 18.30.

1712-1717, Taichang II, conqueror of the Americas, victim of a peach

21 August 1712



Oh that man is impossible, he storms in, grabs a peacock and pulls out a feather and storms off again

[H – I told you why ... she's ticklish]

And I don't believe you

[H – well she's not going to put it on her CV is she ... "Empress of Hell, Queen of the Witches ... and prone to fits of the giggles" ... I mean]

[A – how did you find out ... I mean its not true of course]

27 September 1712



[A – Harry stop it, people are watching]
[H – not any more they aren't ... they are all dead]

Oh great, more mess to clean up

4 January 1713



[H – I'm coming ... ready or not]
[A – Harry I am NOT playing hide and seek with you]

19 May 1713

1509



[A – stop it now]
[H – only if you apologise]
[A - no]

24 May 1713



[A – Harry put that peacock down]

Give it back now

[H - spoilsports]

25 June 1713



Oh am I glad that is over
[H - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]



8 July 1714



It is so good to pay attention to my University duties with no distractions

[H - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

24 March 1715



I do hope that Taichang appreciates my advice


1 April 1715



squeal, happy dance, Taichang is going to make sure my Palace is part of China

[H – err, ummh, where am I?]

25 June 1716



Taichang really is clueless, why is he going on about government in the stables

[H – lets see if this livens things up]

7 July 1717



Taichang really does not appreciate my efforts, he was going on about a Tin ear when we last met

[H – anyone can misread a scroll you know]

27 November 1717



Invited Taichang for an walk in the peach groves. It was not my fault he bumped his head. He did bump his head, against a peach branch. Really

[H – and this branch was it attached to a peach tree at the time it bumped into his head?]

Ashantai said:

Poor Wanli...killed by a peach.

That war with Bohemia was pretty epic, I've got to say! Nice work fending them off!

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It was poor Taichang who battered himself to death against a peach branch ...

I was very pleased with myself. I'm not that good at EU, I really enjoy it but the subtleties of really good game play are beyond me. Chalk that victory up to avidly following Prawnstar's various masterclasses.

Malurous said:

So, Wanli is nearly back!

Harry and Astarte seemed to take a hands-on approach to that conflict.

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Wanli almost doesn't make, he's one click of the mouse away from ending the dynasty ...

well you know what they say about love and war

Stuyvesant said:

How supremely fitting that, whilst beating up the Milanese in North America, you succeeded in thoroughly trouncing a leader named Geronimo somewhere in the American West.


This is true: it generally takes a secondary exposure to the allergen for the body's misguided antibodies to really start mucking things up. Most people, for obvious reasons, never last long enough for a second exposure to cannon-ball-to-the-head. The fact that Taichang did, tells us a lot about his strong constitution (well, to begin with - more pulpy towards the end, I fathom), as well as Queen Mother's determination. Things must have been exceedingly messy...

EDIT: Having now read the next update as well, I see you finally finished your rumble (or should that be 'tumble in the hay'?) with Bohemia/Astarte. Gaining some prize Mexican territories - the name Sinaloa in particular sticks to mind, the way it shows up in the news with alarming regularity these days - neatly sandwiched between the Milanese and the French. Do you need to worry about your colonial neighbors, or are they manageably weak in the Western Hemisphere?

I see that Harry spotted the flaw in Queen Mother's technically true statement about Taichang the Second's untimely demise. Good man.

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Milan is now pretty weak but the French become a real threat. They have a huge slab of NE Siberia, Mexico, California and can march across Europe, so the next rounds of wars with them are truely global. The other way to look at it is now I have the chance to build up both warscore and have provinces I can actually usefully take if there are many more wars.

I think that both Harry and the QM are practitioners of the 'its not a lie as long as all I do is to miss out a small detail' school of probity. Its always a good idea to pose a second question when faced with one of their statements (esp if it involves the early death of an Emperor)

1718-28, Wanli III is almost cut short

13 April 1718

sigh .. be nice to the British says he ... I'm busy in Prag says he



[H – zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

Svetoslavic ... doesn't sound that English to me

9 June 1718

he does sometimes surprise me ... what a nice gesture, he really is nice beneath it all



[H – yep, thats me, thats my role in the world ... being 'nice']

22 June 1718



Oh, and tickets for a cruise too

[H – right thats her out the way]

17 September 1718



Had a nice visit to Australia, such fond memories ... hic

3 October 1718



[H – that should stop this lot getting ideas above their station ... I find forcing mortals to dig their own graves tends to make them take the hint]

4 May 1720



[H – now I'll grab some more land while she's away]

27 October 1720



[H – I warned them, but would they listen]

10 April 1722



[H – sigh, they really are useless, much more of this I will just have to intervene]

3 August 1722



[H – if I move quick enough I'll be able to take over her palace before she gets back from her 'cruise']

23 December 1723



[H – almost there]

15 June 1725



[H – done it, yes I have overthrown the Celestial Empire ... go me, Harry the magnific .... ... oh, oh well I have otherthrown the Regency Council, I mean that must count for something?]
[A – no, not really, well maybe for you it does ..]

Harry I'm back ... have you missed me?

7 April 1726

Oh its so nice to be back home, its a pity that ship owner couldn't tell left from right never mind east from west.

And, oh Harry is so nice, he's arranged for some Chinese visitors to keep the palace clean while I was away



15 June 1727

Went to meet Wanli. I don't know if it is the name, but he does seem rather stupid. I mean noticeably rather stupid. I mean very very stupid.



6 July 1728



Maybe Harry is not so nice. I think he was planning to have me evicted and something about a bill for damages caused by a peacock that was lost in Prag.

17 September 1728



Wanli seems to have found some new friends to play with, I hope they are not trying to mislead him.

And of course, as ever, a request to go and vote in the ACAs. Its a wonderful excuse to read around and offer support to authaars across aarland.

Stuyvesant said:

Not bad, not bad at all. Nice steady 'peaceful' expansion into Central Asia.

Like Harry's exuberance over overthrowing the Regency - only to see it replaced by another Regency for two more years, followed by the less-than-stellar Wanli. But I think the Queen Mother is being unduly harsh. I mean, sure, Wanli isn't capable of administering an ant farm, but his diplo/mil skills seem run-of-the-mill, rather than spectacularly stoopit.

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Don't forget that in addition to being incompetent, he is persistent. Now on the radio this evening his namesake was arranging for 100m races that featured sprinters being chased by Attila the Hun's cavalry

Well Wanli has another problem besides incompetence, he's not much of a breeder.

Malurous said:

So Harry's looking to steal her palace? I was wondering what would happen when you have all of Central Asia (including QM's palace, one would assume) covered.

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Stuyvesant said:

I thought loki said the palace is located in one of the PTI stretches of the map, to prevent any accidental acquisitions of the palace - not that that would stop Harry from looking, of course: the man can be quite dogged in his pursuits, even if his doggedness is rarely matched effectiveness.

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Malurous said:

Sorry, I was a bit unclear there - I mean the point in time when the "scary face" is fully surrounded by Ming and hence, one would assume, under their influence exclusively.

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I think the official version is she lives somewhere between the Taklamakan desert and the northern edge of the Karakorum, so yes in game terms that is permanently out of bounds. Equally by the end of the next post, I am well to the West (in fact I've reached the Aral sea) and will absorb whats left of the Timmies in the next round of Nomad wars

Ashantai said:

Your expansion into Horde lands goes well!

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I really want to do two things. First is to build up a fort line on the border with Bohemia so that hopefully attrition becomes a real problem for them in another war. In turn, if I fight defensive I'll face very little - the last war was mostly fought over occupied Khazak provinces. I no longer care about the potential drag of more uncored wool provinces, my income is over 13,000 pa.