Those Crazy Vikings - a dialogical non serious Vic II AAR

[Wilsonrtf]

Introduction

This is my first AAR. I never wrote one before because I never felt I had such a good idea as this one.

I am not a native english speaker, but I'll try to do my best. (So, feel free to correct eventual mistakes, please)

I am not an expert Vic II player, but I'll not try to do my best.

I'm using Vanilla 1.3, playing on a Mac. No mods or changes were applied to any game file.

The premise of this particular game is that my nation is ruled by a "typical" viking warrior, somehow brought to 19th century. Most of in game plans an reactions will be ruled by this premise.

I'll try to make this as funny as possible, and to use pictures whenever possible and reasonable.

[Wilsonrtf]

Prologue

In an alternate reality where there would never, ever, happen The Great War … (EVER)

Odin, The All-Father, was extremely pissed off. No matter what he did, he couldn`t get some liquor. Actually, he couldn’t get any liquor. It had something to do with him not being the first Great god.

“Damn!” he thought. “I really hate that number one Spaghetti thing …”

Of course he preferred beer. But on this one particular alternate reality there was no beer. There was wine, tea and coffee, but no beer at all. That really made him mad. He just could not understand how it was possible for an alternate reality to exist without beer.

The lack of alcohol was driving him mad. The fact that sometimes people were trying to sphere him also didn’t help. Other people spheres close to him made him nervous – which is a very understandable reaction.

So, he decided to unleash his fury upon the world. He arose from one of his 1376 luxurious golden throne with a firm idea on his mind: he would bring forth a band of his most heroic Valhalla’s warriors upon an unsuspecting Europe…

A true Viking leader was needed. Odin walked the beerless halls of Valhalla in search of a brave fellow. The chosen one was Thordur, the Iron-shield-of-bravery-which-rides-the-white-whale-of-the-northern-sea-of-the-blue-giant-serpent. Everyone called him Thordur, the Crazy, though. This usually saved lives during battles.

Thordur was followed by his most trusted lieutenant, acknowledged as Harald the Wise. He was an ex-priest converted to the old pagan gods of yore. He was also the only literate man in Valhalla. Together, they once commanded a band of three hundred brave Norwegians through the northern seas.

Odin planned to explain his idea to Thordur, but just when he was about to do so a new luxurious golden throne arrived in his Halls. Infuriated, he just threw Thordur and his company of brave warriors down Earth …

[Wilsonrtf]

The Rise of a New Realm

It was a calm and pleasant evening at the Swedish royal chamber. The King, unaware of Odin´s designs, was joyfully trying to sphere a bunch of particularly literate French dancers. Just when he was about to raise his influence, Thordur and his warriors magically materialized inside the bedchamber. Of course, the King felt nothing magical about their sudden appearing.

The confusion that followed is difficult to describe. Let´s just say that everyone in the room was "seized" by the Vikings. During the confusion, Harald took the opportunity to analyze a big sized map of 19th century Europe by one of the chamber's walls.

@Harald: Milord, this is one ridiculous map. It´s borders are all wrong and it´s full of mystical places and lands which evidently do not exist.




(@Harald: I wonder what a roman city is doing there)

@Thordur: Who cares? Where are we?

@Harald: I´m not sure. Maybe this foul-smelling man can tell us. Sire, where are we?

The King contemplated for a second the possibility of calling his guards. But then his wife would come along as well, aroused by the confusion. It seemed a lot better to just handle the Vikings.

@King of Sweden: You are at the Royal Chambers of the Kingdom of Sweden. I am the King.

@Thordur: Sweden? I don´t want to rule over Sweden. It would feel so unnaturally overpowered... Who is King of Norway, which throne rightfully belongs to me?

@French dancer: He is King of Norway as well! (She felt so literate) ...





From there on the diplomatic negotiations went really well. The King was gently convinced to recognize Thordur as the new sovereign of Norway. In exchange he would keep his life. It wasn´t that bad. After all, it was only Norway: he already had plenty of wood and fish. It might actually end up being a favor to himself.

After the tense negotiations, they all felt like celebrating. The King for a second considered explaining to the strange invader what it meant to be a king nowadays, but there were actually better things to do. They drank wine, sang old Viking battle songs and formed a strong camaraderie.

And all French dancers were eventually sphered.




The Glorious Reborn Viking Kingdom.

[KyrionMyrthar]

Looking forward to this -- love the Odin touch.

[Wilsonrtf]

Looking forward to this -- love the Odin touch.

Thanks, Kyrion. I'll try to keep a (more or less) steady posting pace.

[Wilsonrtf]

Internal Politics

@Thordur: Ha, it was easier than I expected. I thought at least some fighting would be necessary to become King of Norway. That swedish guy was a nice fellow, after all.

@Harald: Yes, Your Majesty.

@Thordur: What did you call me?!

@Harald: Err... I'm sorry, but that's how kings are called in this strange era.

@Thordur: No way! I'm no sissy Majesty. I am a Viking King!

@Harald: I'm afraid there is no way around it, Your Majesty. It's even how our new sovereign government is recognized...




@Thordur: Damn Loki and his mockeries! All right, then. Explain me a little more about my Kingdom.

@Harald: Well, Your Majesty, I am trying to figure things out. It seems that for us - err, I mean, you - to rule adequately, the people has to choose a thing called "party".

@Thordur: The people choose? Do you mean, like warriors in a War Council?

@Harald: Something along these lines. This War Council is called The Upper House, and men that belong to "parties" get to vote in the Upper House.

@Thordur: Upper House? What a ridiculous name. Change it to War Council.

@Harald: I guess that's not possible, Your Majesty.

@Thordur: Why not?

@Harald: Because you don' know how to mod. Anyways, there is a catch - after people vote in those "parties", and one of them gets to control The Upper House, you can overrule the popular choice and replace the ruling party with another of your choice.

@Thordur: Ha! That's because I am a mighty Viking King!

@Harald: That. And because you are His Majesty, Your Majesty.

@Thordur: Fine. Let me see my options.




@Thordur: Which one of those has been elected by the people?

@Harald: The Bondevennene party.

@Thordur: Ok, they are out. Hmn... What's the difference between pro-military and jingoism?

@Harald: Well, the pro-military party likes warriors. The jingoist party likes vengeful, brutal and insane warriors.

@Thordur: Difficult choice... Even though I feel inclined towards those nice jingoist guys, I have to consider that us Vikings are free spirits of trade, brave roamers of the northern shores. Pick the Embetr... the Embedsbed... the Membeds... pick the third party, all right?




@Harald: Your Majesty, I know you must be tired, but I need to explain you the inner workings of our Realm.

@Thordur: ..., ..., W-what? Oh, I fell asleep. But sure, keep talking.

@Harald: It seems that the Norwegian people enjoys certain benefits that almost no other people in Europe has.




@Thordur: That's mostly certainly because we plunder, sack and pillage. Look well: we took someone's else trinkets. Lots of trinkets.

@Harald: That was my conclusion too, Your Majesty. It also seems that our people enjoys a great deal of freedom and liberty.

@Thordur: Of course we do! We are Vikings, warriors of free will and bravery - and my will is more free and braver than everyone's else.

@Harald: Sure it is, Your Majesty. Take a look.




@Thordur: Harald, our people really has a lot of saying in the War Council.

@Harald: Upper House, Your Majesty.

@Thordur: And the richer has even more saying than the rest of the populace.

@Harald: I noticed this too, Your Majesty.

@Thordur: You see, Harald? This era is not so different from what we are used to, after all...

This is going to be a lot easier than I expected.

[KyrionMyrthar]

Love the style. Can't wait to read more.

[Avindian]

Hilarious, and absolutely brilliant. I follow with anticipation of greater hijinks!

[CivandEUIII]

Nice. I will be following this

[Wilsonrtf]

Thank you all, guys. Without further delay, the next episode...

[Wilsonrtf]

Matters of State

@Harald: Your Majesty, I have compiled some useful information to help you decide the future of this Realm.

@Thordur: Sigh ... Can´t we just go plunder somewhere? What fun being a King? But sure, go ahead...

@Harald: First of all, it seems that your decision to disrespect the popular chosen party has raised our people "militancy". But that´s not really a big problem, since they don´t have much "consciousness" about it.




@Thordur: I don´t understand. What is militancy and consciousness?

@Harald: I am not entirely sure, Your Majesty. Those modern concepts are sometimes very hard to grasp. But, as far as I understand, the "consciousness" represents how much the people are aware that they are not getting enough plunder. And the "militancy" represents how much they are willing to solve this problem by plundering YOU.

@Thordur: Intriguing. But do not worry. Reassure the populace that during my reign there will be more than enough plunder and sack to everyone.

@Harald: Of course, Your Majesty, of course. Anyways, I shall continue. I´ve found out that we have the marvelous option of "gently steering" our population to join a profession that we find important to the country.

@Thordur: Wondrous. How do we steer them?

@Harald: We threaten and beat them until 10% more are willing to become what we want.

@Thordur: Very sensible. Is there any chance to "tell" them to turn into brewers?

@Harald: I am afraid not, Your Majesty...

@Thordur: Stupid alternate reality... Ok, what are our options?

@Harald: Well, maybe we could ask them to become bureaucrats...

@Thordur: What in Balder´s name is a bureaucrat?

@Harald: Well, they are a kind of warrior...

@Thordur: Really?

@Harald: Yes. They help us to plunder and pillage our own population.

@Thordur: Useful. But I think I would rather plunder some other people before. Later we´ll get some bureaucrats. What else?

@Harald: We could propose an increase of clergymen ...

@Thordur: Do you mean clergymen ... like ... like Christian priests?

@Harald: Yes, but ...

@Thordur: No.

@Harald: But Your Majesty, they help with literacy ...

@Thordur: Stop right now.

@Harald: But literacy is important ...

@Thordur: I am not listening. Don´t even start.

@Harald: Sigh...

@Thordur: Listen, can we just beat them over and over again until they turn into warriors?

@Harald: Sure, Your Majesty.




@Harald: Your Majesty, we must now take a look at our economy.

@Thordur: Do we really have to?

@Harald: Yes, Your Majesty. The people are counting on you. You cannot neglect the Crown obligations.

@Thordur: Valhalla was so much nicer. Go ahead, what have you got?

@Harald: First, Your Majesty, our internal production. Before you ask, those are the things we don´t need to steal, plunder or sack, because we already have them here in Norway.

@Thordur: Maybe the bureaucrats can plunder and sack them?

@Harald: I guess. But, see, here they are:




@Harald: As Your Majesty can see, we are great producers of timber, grain, fish and fish.

@Thordur: Hmn. This means we basically eat fish with bread in wooden bowls?

@Harald: The rich ones, sure. The others usually eat only wood.

@Thordur: Odin has blessed us with prosperity! Soon we´ll make all of Europe eat fish and bread just like us.

@Harald: I am sure they´ll love it. But we have more urgent matters right now. Look, Your Majesty, I have been trying to adjust our national budget. It has been no easy task...




@Thordur: What are tariffs?

@Harald: It´s a way to steal, plunder and pillage from the merchants that come to trade here.

@Thordur: Does this not drive them away? I mean, do they keep coming?

@Harald: Yes, they do. It seems that they can plunder even more when they sell the merchandise to the populace.

@Thordur: I guess they are probably bureaucrats, if so. Anyways, plunder it all!

@Harald: We cannot.

@Thordur: Why not? WHY?

@Harald: That´s the Embedsmennene party you have put in power. They believe in Free Trade.

@Thordur: But ... but ... But I meant free VIKING trade.

@Harald: Well, they believe in Free Trade to everyone.

@Thordur: Damn Loki and his mockeries! All right then. Let us compensate our losses by taxing the people. Wait, what´s that? Why are we not taxing the “Hella” out of our population?

@Harald: Errr ... that´s again because of the Embedsmennene party. They support Laissez Faire.

@Thordur: Laissez Faire? Wait... Does this have anything to do with French dancers?

@Harald: No, not necessarily ...

@Thordur: Grrrrrrrrrrr. Let us replace them immediately!

@Harald: No, Your Majesty, no! That will increase our people desire to plunder our own fish and bread! I have a better, devious plan...

@Thordur: I am listening ...

@Harald: Let us wait until the next election. Then we can make Royal declarations to convince the people to vote in our party of choice.

@Thordur: Hold on. We are going to convince the people to vote in a bunch of politicians that are going to allow us to tax the horns out of their helmets?

@Harald: That´s the idea.

@Thordur: Why, by the lost Eye of the All-father, would they do that?

@Harald: I don´t know. But that´s what happens at 99% of modern democratic elections.

@Thordur: Really? Ok, then. Wait... and the other 1%?

@Harald: They end in coups.

@Thordur: Whatever, as long as I don´t end couped. Is that all, Harald?

@Harald: Sorry, Your Majesty, but there is one last subject we need to address...

@Thordur: Harald, you are a dent in my shield...

@Harald: Thank you, Your Majesty. Please, consider to ponder about the composition of our national population...




@Thordur: What is that tiny, gray color there?

@Harald: Those are Sami and Finnish people, a small percentage of our prevalent Norwegian population.

@Thordur: What? We have barbarians within our borders! Besides us! That is unacceptable. Kill them all.

@Harald: But, Your Majesty, leave them for now. Maybe we can find them some use later. We have a greater problem.

@Thordur: What is it?

@Harald: Look. Our people: 22.3% are anti-military!

@Thordur: What! WHAT! WHAT! What kind of Viking are those modern Norwegians!? I’ll teach them a lesson! Sound the horns! Fit the sea vessels! We´ll raise an army as Europe has never seen before!

@Harald: That´s very wise, Your Majesty.

@Thordur: We'll see how anti-military our people will be when there are ten poisoned enemies' arrows bleeding them like filthy pigs!

@Harald: Not much, Your Majesty, not much. After all, they are going to be dead by then...

[FinnishFish]

I like this

[CivandEUIII]

I feel so sad for Thordur. His people don't agree with him.
Can't you hold an election now?

[Wilsonrtf]

I feel so sad for Thordur. His people don't agree with him.
Can't you hold an election now?

Well, I could. I´ll think about it ...

[Daniel Paiva]

Very amusing thread... Congratulations!

[Wilsonrtf]

Lectures

@Thordur: Harald, have you commissioned our mighty Viking army yet?

@Harald: I was about to do that, Your Majesty. But, before, I wanted to present you an amazing opportunity for our country. It´s called research...

@Thordur: Research? What can this strange word possibly mean????

(Harald: By The Fangs of Jormungand, how I am going to explain what research means to HIM?? How?... Oh, wait, wait, I know...).

@ Harald: It´s very simple, Your Majesty. The clergymen from this era have discovered how to contact the dark elves, dwarves and trolls. The Fey agreed to share their amazing mysterious magical secrets with us, as long as we... as long as we... as long as we sacrifice literate people to them. Yes, that´s it.

@ Thordur: Really? But, if we sacrifice our own people, won´t we miss them later, for example, to die in glorious battles?

@ Harald: Don´t worry, Your Majesty. I´ll try to sacrifice only Sami and Finnish populations.

@ Thordur: Devious. You were right, Harald. They would end up having some use, after all. Still... there is something I don´t get...

(Harald: Oh no! He is seeing thru my ruse, he is seeing thru my ruse...).

@ Harald: Yes, Your Majesty... ?

@ Thordur: Why do they have to be literate?

(Harald: Think fast, think fast...)

@ Harald: I don´t know for sure, Your Majesty. Those elves and trolls are strange. But I guess literate people are tastier. Or, don´t you remember that French dancer?

@ Thordur: Indeed. They are wise, The Fey. All right, let´s get some Sami girls and do some research as soon as possible!

@ Harald: Sure, Your Majesty, sure. I have compiled some of the mysterious secrets we can get from the dark elves...

@ Thordur: Oh, oh, can we get one related to weapons?

@ Harald: Yes, but there are many other fields, like cultural or industrial...

@ Thordur: Weapons.

@ Harald: But Your Majesty, this is...

@ Thordur: Big weapons, preferably.

@ Harald: Yes, Your Majesty, yes. What about this one:




@ Thordur: Harald, I am somewhat tired of your long explanations. Actually, the research lecture was the only one of them that made some sense. So, please, make it fast: What does this "professionalism" thing represents?

@ Harald: Essentially, that we can have full-time, full-season, non-bureaucrat plunderers.

@ Thordur: This is fantastic! The dream of every Viking. The elves are really our friends. Send them some more literate people in gratitude!

@ Harald: Consider it done.

@ Thordur: By the way, Harald, this whole research deal has definitely convinced me to never become literate myself.

@ Harald: That´s... that´s the wisest choice, Your Majesty.

@ Thordur: Heheheheh. You are literate, aren´t you, Harald? Hehehehehe...

@ Harald: (Sigh...) Yes, Your Majesty, but I am neither Finnish nor Sami.

@ Thordur: Yes, I remember, that´s true. You are a Goth, aren´t you?

@ Harald: Please, Your Majesty, don´t say it out loud. Yes I am, but do not mention it again.

@ Thordur: Why not?

@ Harald: Scholars in this era don´t like Goths. They say they had not enough light, or something like that. Please, don´t mention this again...

@ Thordur: All right, all right, don´t act like French about it. Let´s talk about something serious. How many men can we raise as a glorious battle host?

@ Harald: Well, Your Majesty, we can muster about 12,000 soldiers.




@ Thordur: Ha! That´s the mightiest Viking army the World has ever seen. With me as their leader, we´ll crush the thrones of Europe under the swift blade of our battleaxes!

@ Harald: Sorry, Your Majesty, but that´s not a really big army by today´s standards.

@ Thordur: Don´t be silly, Harald. I bet no other Kingdom can raise such a fearsome band of warriors.

@ Harald: But, Your Majesty...

@ Thordur: Shut up, Harald. For example, Friesland. How many men they have?

@ Harald: Friesland does not exist anymore, Your Majesty.

@ Thordur: Really? Ok. What about Burgundy?

@ Harald: Nope.

@ Thordur: Saxony?

@ Harald: Gone.

@ Thordur: Aargh. Brittany?

@ Harald: Passed.

@ Thordur: Damn you, Harald! You are getting on my nerves! It´s like you are going to tell me that the Byzantine Empire has fallen as well!!!!

@ Harald: Err... only four centuries ago, Your Majesty.

@ Thordur: I hate you, Harald. Forget about those silly manpower questions. When we Vikings go to war, we prevail. Tell me, when can we get to go plunder the coasts of Britain?

@ Harald: I don´t thinks this is going to happen, Your Majesty.

@ Thordur: Oh, sure. They finally became our colony, right? Good, let´s get some of their literate people here and...

@ Harald: Hmn, no, not quite, Your Majesty. They kind of became the most powerful empire the World has ever seen...

@ Thordur: What? How? HOW? This is not possible! Damn Loki and his mockeries! As far as I remember, they were only a backwater bunch of Celts and Saxons...

@ Harald: Oh, Your Majesty, that´s a little complicated. But I´ll try to make a brief, simple explanation. Look:




@ Harald: It went more or less this way, follow me: there were Celts; they were invaded by Romans; Romans left; Celts were invaded by Saxons; Saxons were invaded by us, glorious Vikings; then, other Vikings invaded the North of France - they became Normans...

@ Thordur: What´s a Norman?

@ Harald: A Viking-French crossbreed. The ones that did not cross to England all became French later.

@ Thordur: Poor bastards.

@ Harald: Anyways: the Viking-Normans fought against the Vikings in Britain, and founded the Kingdom of England; then the Celts plus Saxons plus Vikings plus Normans plus French all mixed up together and eventually became what we nowadays call Anglo-Saxon.

@ Thordur: Hold on, hold on. Did the French invade England?

@ Harald: No. Only the Viking-Normans.

@ Thordur: Did the Saxons win?

@ Harald: No, not at all.

@ Thordur: Then why do they call themselves Anglo-Saxon???

@ Harald: I blame Christianity for that.

@ Thordur: Good point. But, how did they become the most powerful empire in the World?

@ Harald: Well, from what I read they kept beating the French time after time until they ended up the most powerful nation in Europe and beyond. In the meantime between beating the French, they developed the habit of beating Scotts and the Irish until they ruled over the whole Britannic region as well, as you can see from the map.

@ Thordur: We can't plunder the Irish?! That`s a real shame. Hehe, at least the French didn´t change much...

@ Harald: Actually, Your Majesty, there was this man called Napoleon...

@ Thordur: Enough of your History lessons! I have a cunning plan to break England´s power!

@ Harald: Yes, Your Majesty?

@ Thordur: It´s simple, but ingenious. We´ll hire a spy to assassinate the King of England. Then his minor child heir will inherit the throne, immediately getting Realm Duress. All their vassals will rebel against the weak Liege, and their Empire will be split apart, never to recover... MWAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHG!

@ Harald: Wrong game, Your Majesty, wrong game.

@ Thordur: Damn. Well, it was worth a try. Ok, we´ll leave the English alone. For now... But, tell me, where can we go plunder?

@ Harald: Oh, Your Majesty, as soon as we have an army and a navy, I´ll present Your Highness with a list of suitable places. But, before we finish this parley, I would like to comment on the Prussians...




@ Thordur: Prussians? What about them?

@ Harald: They are a cunning bunch of warriors. They plan to form an enormous Empire called Germany, and, then, to conquer all of Europe.

@ Thordur: They seem like nice neighbors. What is stopping them from forming this Germany-thing?

@ Harald: Well, they need this French estate, Alsace-Lorraine ...




@ Thordur: A French province is the only thing that is keeping them from forming a brutal warmongering constitutional Empire? Why?

@ Harald: I am not one hundred percent sure, Your Majesty, but I am almost certain it has something to do with sphering some French dancers before going into a brutal and senseless conquering spree...

@ Thordur: By the Meadless Cups of Odin, those Prussians are some crafty devils! We should try to ally with them.

@ Harald: But, Your Majesty, we have other natural allies...

@ Thordur: Try it.

@ Harald: But our natural allies and the Prussians are...

@ Thordur: Now, I said.

@ Harald: Sigh...




(Waiting in anticipation)





@ Harald: They said no.

@ Thordur: Damn. Why?

@ Harald: Their official explanation was that we were nothing more than a tribe of barbaric fish-eating morons.

@ Thordur: What!? How dare them! I´ll show them how barbaric we can get! I am sure we can trash their pathetic armies with our soon to exist 12,000 warriors!

@ Harald: ...

@ Thordur: Can´t we!?

@ Harald: Your Majesty, you look so tired. We better discuss this some other day...

[Avindian]

You have to feel bad for King Thordur. I wonder where you will begin your conquests?

[Wilsonrtf]

You have to feel bad for King Thordur. I wonder where you will begin your conquests?

I feel bad for him...

Probably somewhere extremely illogical ...

[BlazeShadow]

I'd guess Brunei, it seems pretty illogical.

[FinnishFish]

Aaawww... Poor Thordur he just isin't from this time