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Thread: The Capital of Europe - A Low Quality Alsace AAR

  1. #1
    Jolly Roger TAMBOURINESNAKE's Avatar
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    The Capital of Europe - A Low Quality Alsace AAR



    The Bishopric of Strasbourg was an integral diocese of the Holy Roman Empire. Soon after its initial setup in the 13th century, the locals and Archbishop were at constant ends with each other. Strife become the mainstay for Alsace. Frederick II was elected Archbishop of Alsace in 1375, but the people were dissatisfied with his service. He handled the churchely matters at arms' length, appointing an administration to do his work for him as he perused his own personal interests. Soon, even he became weary of the Alsatians and was transferred to the Utretchian diocese, where he became known as Frederik III.

    In 1393, Ludwig von Thierstein was made Archbishop, but was quickly thrown out after caught in the barn with the village goats. Burkhard II von Lützelstein became the new Archbishop, and ruled for a period of several months. However, the populace of Alsace quickly became tired of his lax attitude toward the Catholic church and general ineptitude with public office. They petitioned the diocese, and in 1394 Wilhelm II von Diest was announced as the new Archbishop.

    Wilhelm II ruled the church with a distant hand, much like Frederik II before him. However, he saw fit to come out of his bedroom every once and a while and stir the pot by donating church funds to secular lords, undermining the church's power. The devout population of Alsace saw this as sacrilegious and began to clamour for the removal of Wilhelm II. Upon noting this, Wilhelm II took it upon himself to spend a year travelling France dressed as a poor friar. Upon alighting in Paris, he quickly travelled to the Notre Dame where he paid what respects he would to Providence, dropping the requisite coins in the proper bin. With his head bowed over a candle and a sudoku book secretly tucked under his robe, he pretended to find solace.

    The earth shook violently, heaving as though its very bowels were being ripped open. An unearthly sound emanated from the church as the stained glass windows fractured. Midsummer light poured into the shattered window, striking Willhelm II's eyes, blinding him. He held his arms up, squinting, just as a keystone loosed from the roof and crashed down on his exposed head. Wilhelm II crashed to the ground unconscious.

    He awoke several months later, in Strasbourg, in his very room with servants anxiously hovering over him. Bladrick, his personal servant grasped his arm tightly as Wilhelm II's eyes fluttered open. He began to speak when Wilhelm shushed him. The other servants stared, scarcely believing their eyes.

    "Gather the people," Wilhelm said, his voice cracking and raspy from disuse. The servants rushed out, Baldrick shuffling, not wanting to leave his master.

    "Go!" Wilhelm shouted, coughing.

    That evening, the people crowded in the town square to ascertain the truth of the rumour of Wilhelm II's recovery. As the sun began to sank lower, Wilhelm II finally appeared on the balcony. A quiet lull fell over the crowd, as they stared in awe at the man they hated, apparently fully recovered.

    "I have spent a great deal of time asleep," Wilhelm II began lamely, "and I have had many, many dreams. Through all of them resonated a common theme. I have disavowed my church, disavowed myself, but most importantly, disavowed this great city of Strasbourg."

    Wilhelm continued for a while, recounting many of his dreams to the citizens.

    "Saint Arbogast came to me in my last dream, and he showed me two pictures. In one, Miachael and his angels fought a giant dragon, eventually wounding it so it fell onto the earth. In another, legions of angelic troops marched through the city square, an Alsatian banner held high. Arbogast beckoned to me, and said unto me:

    Wilhelm, Michael's War in Heaven may have been won, but the dragon did not die. He fell to earth and yet still lives. You must unite the Heavenly Host and declare Holy War on the dragon himself. Providence has given you this monumental task. Do not fail.

    "Together, Alsatians, we must form God's Legion here on earth, and declare a Crusade against the dragon himself!"

    The crowd, riveted by Wilhelm II's amazing tale, began cheering. Words of praise floated up to Wilhelm's balcony, where he retired, feeling immensely lethargic from his speech.

    The future of Alsace was forever changed.

  2. #2
    Jolly Roger TAMBOURINESNAKE's Avatar
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    Well, after that divine introduction, I think I can introduce the AAR proper:

    This will be an Alsatian Divine Wind AAR played with the 5.1 7/12 beta patch exclusively, barring some monumental upgrade.

    This will be an Alsatian Divine Wind AAR played with the 5.1 patch exclusively. No modifications will be used, apart from a very simple mod that replaces all the serif Garamond font with sans-serif Tahoma font*.

    This will be a historical fiction/gameplay AAR, depending upon how creative I get with each update. The main goal here is to create an armed force worthy of being called the Heavenly Host without massive expansion. Also, I wouldn't expect a regular update schedule. I can give rough estimates of when the next update might be when I do update.

    I'll post the first overview update tomorrow.

    Table of Contents:

    01. Game Overview
    02. Opening Moves: 1399



    *I'll upload it now so that if anyone asks I can just say look at the first posts. It's not perfect, however. Doesn't affect checksum, so it will work with achievements. Update: Jan 8, 2012: Works with 5.1 patch, works with Steam, works with achievements.
    Attached Files
    Last edited by TAMBOURINESNAKE; 09-01-2012 at 03:56.

  3. #3
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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  4. #4
    Field Marshal Dafool's Avatar
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    Of course I'll be reading.

  5. #5
    Jolly Roger TAMBOURINESNAKE's Avatar
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    Yay, my first subscribers.

    Here are the initial gameplay settings:



    Now, let us look at Alsace's starting position. Alsace is a tiny one province-minor situated halfway between Paris and Berlin in the middle of the European continent. It is a member of the HRE, but is unfortunately a Theocracy. Being a Theocracy is probably the worst thing to be in this game. You can't form Royal Marriages with other nations for diplomatic boosts and inheritances, you can't pick the strong trait of your rulers, and you are given zero indication of how good your next ruler will be. But, quite possible worst of all, your pious leaders don't even have last names and your government traits are lame. Look:



    What? Anyway, Alsace does have a garbage government, but without having an Archbishop it wouldn't have this inspired dream of recreating Michael's army. To that end, we will need to expand. Wilhelm, however, needs to not bring his nation into the Devil's spotlight, so he needs to keep his national footprint low. This entails that we can't expand our numbers horizontally by acquiring more land. I don't know how Wilhelm intends to do this (in fact, I am quite certain he is more than a bit mad) but we will see.


    In the spoiler is the initial first post, which is no longer valid but potentially interesting.

    Now that we have some indication of our nation's roots, let us now turn to Wilhelm's bedchambers...


    * * *



    Baldrick paced nervously behind Wilhelm as he recounted his divine tale once again to his administration. Baldrick could hardly believe it. Alsace was a tiny, pious nation on the Rhine river, hardly a military powerhouse of any renown. Yet, Wilhelm had this strange notion that Alsace could rise above its enemies and become God's Legion on earth. Even, Wilhelm was patiently explaining to his aides how he planned to complete this grand strategy, but Baldrick wasn't listening. Baldrick feared for his very soul. In order to fight the dragon, Alsace would have to take on the other nations of the world, putting it in grave peril. Being no fool, Baldrick knew that it would be an impossible task.

    "Look, Wilhelm, you've had an ill spell and you're not being yourself. Why don't you just leave the state in our hands and take a leave of sickness? Alsace has been fine without you here, and you've always held administrative matters distantly."

    "I don't care, Sigwald. We need to turn this country around, turn it into the envy of the world! Tradition fools like you have no place in my new administration!" Wilhelm began to yell. "How are we supposed to complete our divine task with idiots like you running our nation?"

    "Wilhelm! You are not sane! How can you possibly be saying that? We've run this nation for years by your side!"

    "OUT! All of you out," Wilhelm bellowed, standing up from his chair. His aides all scampered out, quick to escape their master's wrath. "No, Baldrick, not you. I need your help." Wilhelm rubbed his temples. "Get me someone I can trust. Someone young. Dismissed."

    Baldrick returned momentarily with a young page. He introduced himself as Lambert de Hungerstein. After recovering from his terrible guffawing as having such a ridiculous name, Wilhelm learned of Lambert's extensive skills. He had been a member of the French Royal Guard for years before being thrown out on accusations of theft. Wilhelm appointed Lambert his first adviser.



    Lambert would soon become known as a common face among the training grounds of Alsace as he sought ways to improve the Alsatian military situation. By far, the most appalling thing Lambert had found in his familirisation was the Alsation manpower situation. Barely even a thousand men were able-bodied enough to sign up for the military services. With Wilhelm's idea in mind, Lambert knew that this was something he would have to rectify eventually.



    Wilhelm knew that no army could fight without a proper fiscal base. To that end, he began to push for the mobilization of a different kind of army. Merchants from Alsace would begin to travel far and wide, peddling Alsation goods and Alsatian trade throughout all of Europe. With this strong support for foreign trade, Wilhelm hoped to save enough money for the heavy investment a large army required. Indeed, by Wilhelm's estimations from recounting his dream, he would need well over one million soldiers to take on the Devil and survive, slaying the beast once and for all.

    Of course, Wilhelm's financial policy was at the behest of the local economy, which suffered as a result:



    Wilhelm was resolute, though, and persevered to spread the economic might of Alsace far and wide. His enemies would fall first at the hands of his merchants and then at the hands of his soldiers.

    Indeed, Wilhelm was so confident that at this point he decided to finally unpause the world.
    Last edited by TAMBOURINESNAKE; 09-01-2012 at 03:04.

  6. #6
    Field Marshal Dafool's Avatar
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    1,000,000 men seems like an ambitious goal, but God wills it!

  7. #7
    custom luser title gela1212's Avatar
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    *walks in*

    *subscribes*

    *walks out*

    But more seriously, good writing, also funny, and I like your style. So, I will definitely be following this.



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  8. #8
    Jolly Roger TAMBOURINESNAKE's Avatar
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    Real life stuff has come up. Summer exams came and went, I got a new job, and Fall classes start soon. I'll get back to playing EU3 one of these days, but consider this project on hold for now.

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    Hey if you continue your AAR I'll continue mine.

  10. #10
    First Lieutenant Concrete's Avatar
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    Oh, hahah, on hold then.
    Well either way, what you have written has been fine, and I hope you pick it up again soon.

  11. #11
    Jolly Roger TAMBOURINESNAKE's Avatar
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    I'm rebooting this. The initial moves are all for naught, because my 5.1b save is not compatible with 5.1 proper. I think I'll also go super fast to 1500 because the first 100 years of any OPM trading nation are almost the same and pointless. I'll have highlight reel posts.

    So, I'll start a new Alsace game tonight with the same settings and see where I end up.

    * * *



    Wilhelm decides to get rid of the peasant militia. It's an unnecessary economic drain, in his professional opinion. Baldrick couldn't agree more, so Wilhelm complied post-haste.



    Incidentally, there are no good domestic advisors either. Both an Artist and a Spy Master offer their services to Wilhelm, but he steadfastly refused. Baldrick - on his time off - enjoys the paint brush perhaps a little more than any sane man would. Did you know he once carved a statue of David that was rejected by the Louvre for being 'too well endowed'? Baldrick gave Wilhelm the economic report.



    Alsace is so small and the people so enamoured with the glory of God that no actual investment in stability is required by the government. Wilhelm, delighted at this, pursued other domestic matters:



    The domestic merchants weren't happy with the new government doctrine, but they were quickly competed out of the bazaars. Fine goods from abroad, like French Wine, English Wool, and Italian Women became the norm of Alsatian markets. Wilhelm decided to task the domestic merchants with also travelling abroad and peddling Alsatian wares. Neither Baldrick nor Wilhelm actually knew what those wares were, but they still tasked the Alsatian merchants.



    With a strong sense of déjà vu, Wilhelm unpaused the world. Again. (But don't tell him that.)
    Last edited by TAMBOURINESNAKE; 09-01-2012 at 03:27.

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