MUSSOLINI!: a tale of outstanding incompetence

1: A rock and a hard place

The aide ran through the halls of MUSSOLINI'S grand palace, stray papers whipping in the wind he created. He knew there was a cabinet meeting going on, and interrupting the finest minds of Italy while at their work was almost certain death, but never the less, the information he carried was so vital, so earth shattering, so absolutely important, that he would gladly give his life to deliver it.

"Il Duce, Il Duce!" he yelled as he burst into the throne room, "Did you know that we're at war with Ethiopia!"

The members of the Italian government looked up from their poker game, looks of utter horror displayed across their faces. "Oh. My. God!" the great dictator said, "We're doomed!"
All the ministers were frozen in fear, save for Francesco Grazioli, Chief of Staff. "Quick, mobilize the entire population, including women and children, we need every possible solder to even hold them back!"

But even as Francesco was making the bold moves necessary to save Italy, the rest of the cabinet was starting to take action as well. "I'll call Germany, the League of Nations, the USA, and the Soviet Union and beg for aid," Foreign minister Galeazzo said.

"I'll prepare the Navy to face the Ethiopian armada," Admiral Cavagnar yelled.

"I don't know what good the Air force can do, but we'll try to stop the Ethiopians from gaining total air superiority," Air marshal Valle.

"The Ethiopians have broken into the palace!" someone yelled, and a shot was fired.

Utter chaos engulfed the Cabinet, and several more shots were fired. "What's all this then!?" King Vittorio, a late arrival to the meeting, yelled, loud enough that the elite palace guard jerked his head up a quickly yelled, "I wasn't sleeping!"

The Italian cabinet fell silent. Finally, Il Duce said, "We're at war with Ethiopia."

An exasperated look came across the Kings face, "MUSSOLINI, you declared war on Ethiopia last week out of boredom, their army is no match for ours, we beating the pouties out of them at this very moment!"

"OOOOH," the entire cabinet said at once.

"What's a poutie?" the somewhat groggy guard wondered.

"Now anyone hurt?" the King asked. It was at that moment when everyone realized that the Minister of Security, Guido Buffarini-Guidi was dead on the floor. Everyone turned to MUSSLINI, who held a pistol in his hand.
He quickly holstered it and started whistling. When everyone one kept staring at him, he walked over to the aide and punched him in the jaw.

"Watch were your shooting next time!" the assorted cabinet members all nodded in agreement, not realizing the aide was unarmed.

Notes: With leaders like these, Italy is off to a wonderful start! Next, the epic war with Ethiopia. Can the brave Italians overcome the Ethiopians and their arsenal of spears???????

Thank you very much, I've found encountered another problem, I can't find the URL to let me upload the screen shot. (I feel like such a newb)

2: War of the Spears

A foxhole on the Ethiopian Front:

"Wow, the enemy are really far away."

"You're holding the binoculars backwards."

"AH! Now they're too close!"

"Lower the binoculars."

"Ok, now they're at a good distance," there was silence between the two solders. Ever since the Field Marshal had decided that there was no need for them to be given ammunition, they had felt strangely vulnerable. Of course they still had their bayonets, which their commander said was more then he ever got in the great war. A young corporal had pointed out that not being able to fire their guns effectively removed the advantage of having them. He was of course, executed on the spot, but then the Field Marshal realized that was probably true, and asked for a shipment of ammo from Rome.

A completely different foxhole on the Ethiopian front:

"I spy with my little eye, something that is brown."

"Dirt."

"Yep."

"I spy with my little eye, something that is wildly charging us with a spear."

"An Ethiopian?"

"Yep," it took a few moments for what they had just seen to sink in.

"Waite a second," one of them (the brighter of the two) said, "There's an Ethiopian with a spear charging us! That's bad!" So the pair did exactly what any Italian solder would do when confronted by the enemy; they ran, screaming like ninnies.

Back at MUSSOLINI'S palace:

The debate in the cabinet was hot that night. Il Duce had no idea why, considering that it was the middle of winter, but he had to wake up the elite palace guard several times to open a window. In terms of the debate, Field Marshal Pariani swept the table when he got a strait flush.

"Il Duce, Il Duce!" the aide rushed into the cabinet meeting, "I have a urgent message from the Field Marshal in Ethiopia who the AArthor forgot the name of."

"Aide, stop breaking the forth wall and be quiet, this is a very hot debate, in fact while your here would you mind opening another window?" Il Duce ordered.

"But the Field Marshal that will go unnamed said there was a big problem with his supply lines, or lack thereof."

"Please aide! I have a royal flush but they don't know it!"

As the aide went to open the window, Field Marshal Pariani called him over, "It just occurred to me that we have no supply lines to the troops in Ethiopia, would you be a dear and set some up," he turned back to the table, "I fold." All of the other ministers did the same thing.

"Agh! I had a royal flush, I could have wiped the floor with you, how did you read my poker face?" No one had any idea.

Notes:I was not joking about the supply lines. For some reason none of my convoys started working until February. As you can see, nothing is happening in Ethiopia, but that should change now that I've got supplies.

3: an unexpected visitor

"Il Duce, Il Duce!" the aide ran through the halls of MUSSOLINI'S palace, getting a curious feeling of Deja vu. "Il Duce! There is a visitor!" He ran into the throne room, tripped, fell, and went sliding across the floor, and out an open window.

Il Duce, who's leg was placed strategically across the doorway, "You were right Francesco, that was a good joke."

"Actually Il Duce, it wasn't nearly as funny as I thought it would be..."

"I ORDER YOU TO LAUGH!"

"HA HA HA HA! That was the funnest thing I've ever seen!"

Suddenly, trumpets sounded, and a long column of formal-looking men entered the room. The man in the lead stepped forward, "Now presenting, the Premier of the Soviet Union, the Savior of the Russian people, the murderer of Lenin... er I mean the worshiper of Lenin, Supreme Commander of the Red Army, Man of Steel, Man of the People, Man of the Solder, Man of the Epic 'Stache, Manly Man, Man of Many Talents, Renaissance Man, Man with redundant titles, Man who is surprisingly sexy when he has a pipe, Man who defiantly is not a dictator, Man who has a unnecessary amount of titles, Joseph Vissarionovich STALIN!"

Everyone in the throne room burst into applause as the model dictator walked down the isle made by his troops. "Hey, they say his name the same way the AArthor does mine!" MUSSOLINI realized.

STALIN! walked up and started vigorously shaking MUSSOLINI'S hand. So vigorously that Il Duce's feet were lifted off the ground several times. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to influence you... is it working?"

"Barely"

"Well darn, I guess I'll go try to influence Hitler, chow!" And just like that, STALIN! was gone.

"Where's the aide, why would he miss this?" Il Duce wondered.

notes: I have no clue as to what the Soviet Union thought they would achieve by influencing me, apparently STALIN! wants to get friendly with his fellow dictators. Also, if anyone is reading this, could you leave a comment? (Not instructions on how to take screenshots I know how to do that) I feel a little discouraged.

4: I feel like writing an update

A lone Italian solder marched (Epically in slow motion) toward the Ethiopian army. He carried the heaviest machine gun known to man, and he gritted his teeth, ready to face insurmountable odds. Suddenly, the Ethiopians charged! The Italian opened fire, ripping huge holes in the Ethiopian line. But more Ethiopians poured into the gaps! For each one that was killed, a dozen more arrived! They became even more numerous then the Chinese army! A mountain of bodies collected into front of the Italian, until the Ethiopian's threw away their spears and ran for the hills. But the fight was not over yet. A cloud of Ethiopian bi-planes descended upon the Italian, but he fired into them, shrugging off bullets as the Ethiopian air force was reduced to a burning wreck. And then came row after row of obsolete Ethiopian tanks, and the Italian dodged through them, throwing grenade after grenade, destroying the entire Ethiopian armored core. And then a cry carried over the mountains, "Il Duce! Il Duce!"...

MUSSOLINI'S palace:

"Il Duce! Il Duce! Wake up!" MUSSOLINI'S head jerked off his desk, although a paper was stuck to his face. "Is the country still here?" he asked groggily.

"Yes, of course Il Duce, but I must tell you! Head of Intelligence Ame believes that there may be Ethiopian agents in the Palace! We must get you to safety immediately!"

"Oh come on aide, what are the chances of the Ethiopians getting through our world class security?" Then a bunch of ninjas broke through every window in the throne room.

"See, I told you so," the aide said, "Il Duce? Where did you go?"

MUSSOLINI was in the processes of running like a mad man for the nearest ninja-proof shelter, but one of the ninjas threw a ninja-star that (in slow motion) cut a few locks of MUSSOLINI'S hair off. The great dictator fell to the floor, writhing in pain. A ninja stood over him, ready to unleash the final blow. And then... King Vittorio Emmanuele the Third was there. He rushed at the ninjas, matching their every sword stroke. He dodged ninja-stars. (Matrix stile) He jumped into the middle of the ninjas (no man could survive that!) and proceeded to beat the pouties out of every on eof them... (I pause for a moment to let you imagine the epicness of this battle) (That's long enough) MUSSOLINI got up, half-stunned at the amazing sword skills of the King. "How did you do that?!"

"Did I miss anything?" the recently woken up palace guard wondered.

Notes: When a story gets boring, throw in some ninjas.

5: We Won!

The (ex) King of Ethiopia held out his spear. "As you have captured my only victory point, I now ofter this as an article of surrender."

Field Marshal Nameless took the spear. It was a beautifully made weapon. A dozen spear makers had worked for 33 1/3 years to make a spear of such quality. The Field Marshal snapped in half and gave the two pieces back to the (ex) King. "Ha Ha, I broke your fancy spear!!!!!!!" Nameless then proceeded to go into an American stile victory dance. (Like in football, If your confused watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py5NfEv6c6s&feature=related)

"Ok, you don't have to rub it in," the (ex) King said... "stop dancing you look idiotic!"

Three weeks later:

"I said stop dancing!"

notes: Ethiopia has fallen, so shall the world!

Gusbrown: Woo! first real comment! And actually, I was more inspired by Monty Python, but I can see the Benny Hillness. (is that a word? it should be)

6: Who's Aggression is it Anyway? pt 1

"Good evening everybody and welcome to Who's Aggression is it Anyway? Tonight on the show, 'I'll start a civil war' Francisco Franco! 'I'm all for appeasement' Adolf Hitler! 'I'm a powerless puppet' Hirohito! And master of messing things up, Benito Mussolini! And I'm your host Drew Carey! Come on down let's have some fun!" (Drew walks down to his desk) "Welcome to Who's Aggression is it Anyway the show where everything is made up and the belligerence doesn't matter. That's right the belligerence is just like the Italian officer core."

MUSSOLINI: Oh! that was a low blow Mr. Carey!

"Alright anyway, lets get the show started with a game called Scene to Rap, this is for Franco, Hitler and Mussolini, and what they have to do is; they will act out a scene, but they have to rap the whole way through, and you scene is a civil war, take it away, whenever you're ready."

Franco: Here I am chilling out in Morocco, lying on the beach and eating tacos! But oh no the Popular Front's been elected! That can't be good, they must be ejected!

Hitler: I'll help you out, my Fascist brother! But I think you'll need the help of another!

MUSSOLINI: I've come here to save the day! I'll send 40,000 men your way! You don't have to worry 'cuse they're Italian! You will no longer be frown'n!

Franco: Thank you Duce! Thank you Führer! My men were getting cold they were going brrrrrrr! Now I've got a better army then that! We defeated the Republicans in three months flat!

bzzzzz! bzzzzz! "That was great guys, five belligerence apiece as we move on to our next game; Quick Change! This is for Hitler, Hirohito, Mussolini, and Franco, and how this game works is Hitler, Hirohito and Mussolini are going to act out a scene, and the catch is whenever Franco says 'change' they have to change the line they just said. And your scene is, you're negotiating the Pact of Steel, whenever you're ready, take it away."

Hitler: Hello, fellow Fascists, I would like to create a Pact of Steel.

Fanco: change

Hitler: Hello, fellow Republicans, I would like to create a Pact of Plastic.

Franco: change

Hitler: Hello, fellow Hillbillies, I would like to build a strip mall.

MUSSOLINI: That's a good idea.

Hirohito: I'll only sign it if you invade Britain.

Franco: change

Hirohito: I'll only sign it if you recognize Manchukuo.

Franco: change

Hirohito: I'll only sign it if you put on lederhosen and yodel.

Hitler: Now, who gets to invade what country?

MUSSOLINI: I want France

Franco: change

MUSSOLINI: I want Greece

Franco: change

MUSSOLINI: I want Turkey, I'm hungry!

Hirohito: I'll invade Siam

Franco: change

Hirohito: I'll invade the Philippines

Franco: change

Hirohito: I'll invade China, OH CRAP what did I say?

bzzzz! bzzzz! "That was great and we'll be right back with more Whose Aggression is it Anyway? right after this don't go away!"

notes: That was the most tiring update I've written so far! Anyway, the Nationalists won the civil war, Japan invaded China, and the Pact of Steel has been signed.

7: Whose Aggression is it Anyway? pt 2

"Hello and welcome back to Whose Aggression is it Anyway? The only show were everything's made up and the belligerence doesn't matter, that's right the points are like manpower limits to China. Now, lets keep the show going with a game called Scenes from a hat! Now the way this game works is we asked the audience to write down scenes or ideas that they wanted to see, put them in a big O'l hat, and lets see how many our dictators can act out, starting with: stupid places to invade."

Hitler: just the Czecho part of Czechoslovakia

Hirohito: China, India, and America simultaneously

Franco: Portugal, that's why I didn't invade the place

MUSSOLINI: my own puppet, Albania

"Bad ideas for territorial claims"

Hitler: Danzig, we wouldn't want to anger the beast that is Poland

MUSSOLINI: the entire world

Hirohito: northern Siberia

"ok, what Chamberlain said after the Munich agreement was violated"

Franco: ru roh! (Scooby Doo style)

Hirohito: I'm sure he won't break his next promise

Franco: maybe I should give Spain back Gibraltar while I'm at it

"What Japan is thinking right now"

Hirohito: I'm bogged down in my war with China, so it the perfect time to start fighting Russia

bzzzzz! bzzzzz! "That was great! We'll be right back with more Whose Aggression is it Anyway? Don't go away!"


notes: I was a bit disappointed with this update. But anyway, everything has gone historically so far, aside from the time line being about two months early.

Red Cesar: Wow! I really appreciate that! You're really making me want to write updates

Gusbrown: That's... wonderful

8: Whose Aggression is it Anyway? pt 3 THE FINAL PART

"Hello and welcome back to Whose Aggression is it Anyway? We have a winner tonight, Adolf Hitler! That's right Adolf Hitler! I have no idea how he did it! So he's going to play Three Headed Broadway Star with me and our special guest star, Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin!" (STALIN! joins them on the stage to thunderous applause) "Now the way this game works is me, Stalin, and Hitler are going to sing a song one word at a time, now from the audience, I need the name of a hit Broadway Musical, not a real one" (various suggestions come from the audience) "M-R pact, that sounds good, and the hit love song from M-R pact, complete this sentence 'you make me want to what?'" (more suggestions from the audience) "You make me want to invade Poland, that sounds good, so lets take it away, one line at a time." (If you need the tune watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLAT2FM36zk&feature=related)

Hitler:You

Drew: make

STALIN!: me

H: want

D: to

S!: invade

H: Poland

D: and

S!: I

H: know

D: you

S!: do

H: tooooooo.

D: I

S!: will

H: run

D: over

S!: all

H: of

D: the

S!: Poles

H: with

D: my

S!: Panzerrrrrrrrr!

H: No

D: one

S!: will

H: escape

D: my

S!: Armieeeeeeees!

H: Now

D: I

S!: will

H: start

D: to

S! release

H: my

D: uneatable

S!: Panzzzzzzzzars!

H: so

D: you

S!: can

H: invade

D: Poland

S!: toooooooooo!


notes: did I just have STALIN!, Drew Carey, and Hitler sing together? Yes, yes I did.

9: Engineers

The Italian engineer corp, some of the finest engineer's in Italy, (Which is not saying much) gathered around the tank, if it truly deserved to be called that. It had chipped and faded paint, rust covered every metal part, and the gun would probably explode if anyone tried to fire it.

"Well, it's not like the Italian armor corp needs any real good tanks, the last country we invaded didn't have any army at all," one of the engineers said.

"Of course we need good tanks," the head engineer said, "besides you cant see this tanks potential."

(Listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c48Ol9xkaqM)

Head Engineer:
Why this tank could be automatic
systematic
hydromatic
ultromatic
Why it could be grease panzer

We'll get a overhead machine-gun and a four barrel turret
oh yeah
(Keep talking whoa keep talking)
Fuel injection cutoffs and chrome plated treads oh yeah
(I'll get her ready, i'll kill to get her ready)
With the ammo dump on the floor they'll be running out the door
You know that ain't so bad the French will call us cads
In Grease Panzer
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go

Go grease panzer you're burning up the Ethio-pians
(Grease panzer go grease panzer)
Go grease panzer you're coasting through the enemy lines
(Grease panzer go grease panzer)
You are supreme the French'll scream at grease panzer
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go

We'll get some high explosive shells and some thirty inch cannons
oh yeah
We'll attach 'em to the turret with real big hammers
oh yeah
With new pistons, plugs and shocks I can get off my rocks
You know that I ain't bragging she's a real killing wagon
Grease Panzer
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go

Go grease panzer you're burning up the Ethio-pians
(Grease panzer go grease panzer)
Go grease panzer you're coasting through the enemy lines
(Grease panzer go grease panzer)
You are supreme the French'll scream for grease panzer
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go

(dance break)

Go grease panzer you're burning up the Ethio-pians
(Grease panzer go grease panzer)
Go grease panzer you're coasting through the enemy lines
(Grease panzer go grease panzer)
You are supreme the French'll scream for grease panzer
panzer, panzer, panzer
panzer, panzer, panzer
panzer!

notes: I'm building tanks... yea, that's all. How you liked the music!

10: the spy

The stench of cigarette smoke filled the room. A cloud of it went strait into the Italians face. "We know you're a spy, now tell us which country sent you," it was the American agent's cigarette smoke.

"I'm Italian," the Italian spy said, (I would write it with his accent, but it would be illegible)

"I don't believe you," the American replied, "Are you Russian? With the KGB?"

"I really am Italian..."

"How about MI6? Are you British?"

"I have my spy license right here," he produced a laminated card that read:


"I don't care if you have a card signed by <Illegible>, I want to know why (insert whatever the German intelligence forces are called here) sent a spy to America."

"I don't work for (insert whatever the German intelligence forces are called here), I work for (insert whatever the Italian intelligence forces are called here)!"

"I don't believe you!"

"Look at my character's name! It's 'Italian spy' you son of a (edited for sensitive content)"

The American looked furious, "If you won't tell us who you work for, then at least tell us what you mission is."

"I'll never talk!" the Italian spy shouted.

The American calmly put on a pair of sunglasses, upping his coolness factor by 50%. "If you don't talk, then I will have no other choice," he looked deeply into the Italian spy's eyes, "then to ask more politely! Please tell us what you're doing here."

"I'll talk!" the Italian screamed, "I'm here to sabotage your industry!"

"But..." the American said, "We have 500 base IC, even if you did succeed it would make any difference."

"See I didn't know that."

"In that case I'll just let you go about your business, sorry for any inconvenience."

"Not at all."

notes: Ha ha! I successfully sabotaged American industry! Now the American army will be crippled when they join WW2! (Sorry for the delay getting this update out)

Gusbrown: It's from the musical Grease, and it's a song all American high school students learn by heart! How could you not know that? Oh right, you're Canadian.

11: A sudden ending

MUSSOLINI looked at the map of Europe. "Aide, what's that small pink country above us?"

"Oh that's Switzerland, a country no one every invades."

"Invade it immediately!"

"But Il Duce wouldn't be a good idea to see who's guaranteeing it's independence first? I hear there are some very big countries that-"

"DO AS I SAY!"

five minutes later...

MUSSOLINI looked at a map of Switzerland with the war council. "I think that we should attack them," the chief of the army suggested.

"Yes, that's a good idea, I hadn't thought of that," MUSSOLINI responded.

Suddenly a German Panzer broke through the wall. Suddenly, dozens of Germans were crawling through the windows, and broke down every doorway. They were all point their guns at Il Duce, and were yelling something in German. The elite palace guard jerked awake, "I surrender," the said sleepily before going back to sleep.

"Why are you here!" MUSSOLINI yelled, waving his arms up in surrender.

"Well..." the lead German said, "We're storming your palace."

"Why?" MUSSOLINI shouted, "We're not at war!"

"I could have sworn that we sent a declaration of war..." the German said, scratching his head.

"Il Duce! Il Duce! The Germans have declared w- oh they're already here that Blitzkrieg is impressive stuff, I'll just get the unconditional surrender papers in order."

History book style update: In October 1939, Italy declared war on The Usually Neutral Republic of Switzerland. Five minuets later, the writer of this aar was reduced to banging the keyboard in his attempts to defeat the Germans. Italy would be annexed, destined to play no part in the in surrender of France, nor in Germany's Radar Rage as they tried to take over Britain. They would not help Hitler in his attempt to prove he had the superior 'Stache. They would not get to be wrecked by Allied air support. Their part in World War 2(dramatic pause) was over.

notes: That's it. This may be the shortest narrative aar ever written. Please leave a comment if you liked it, and if you hated give me a few pointers

Il Duce out, peace