Cutting Edge
David Lloyd George is sitting at his desk, dealing with some humdrum affairs of state. Suddenly, Eden bursts in, accompanied by a rather grizzled, thoroughly tanned man in the garb of a rough and ready outdoorsman; and a sweating Mexican, with a generously proportioned moustache and a colourful sombrero. He is the ambassador from the party earlier in the year.
David Lloyd George: And how can I help you gentlemen?
Tanned Stranger: I’m the Seth Efrican Embessedor
*Author’s Note: The above is a written South African accent. Read aloud for full effect*
Mexican Ambassador: ¡Y yo soy el embajador mejicano!
David Lloyd George: Ah yes, I recall.
The Mexican ambassador clearly does not recall the party earlier in the year, much to the relief of Anthony Eden.
Anthony Eden: These two men would like to import British metal, sir.
David Lloyd George: Couldn’t you have dealt with this on your own, Eden?
Anthony Eden: Both men said they wanted to speak with you, sir.
David Lloyd George: Very well. Go on then…
Seth Efrican Embessedor: Howzit! Jaapie and Schalk and Marius and I were round the Braai when I said: ‘Ja, I must go and get some metal from this Mr. Lloyd George in England for our new Braai. The boys were happy about that, because they want to make some Lekker meat on a new Braai. Now Jaapie, who’s a bit Dof, didn’t check whether your metal is good for a Braai. Sjoe, he’s a right Loskop, hey?
David Lloyd George: Yes…?
Seth Efrican Embessedor: Lekker!
The Seth Efrican Embessedor strides out with an accomplished smile.
David Lloyd George: And now you, Mr. Ambassador?
Mexican Ambassador: Pues, ¿Se puede decir me si hay reservas de acero en su país?
David Lloyd George: Yes…?
Mexican Ambassador: ¡Excelente! Gracias para su ayuda, señor.
The Mexican Ambassador walks out. He is clearly pleased with the results of his meeting.
David Lloyd George: What say we discreetly agree to never mention this meeting ever again?
Anthony Eden: Of course, sir.
---
Cyril Deverell, John Gort, Hugh Dowding, Ernle Chatfield and David Lloyd George are standing next to assorted ‘Top Brass’ of the British Army, the Royal Navy and the Royal Air Force in a field. All are eagerly peering through binoculars into the distance except for Deverell, who is holding a watch which he is watching intently.
Cyril Deverell: Number three battery will commence firing…. Now.
He is proved right when the distant thundering of artillery pieces is heard in the distance. After a few seconds, a whistling can be heard. In an almighty crescendo, the whistle turns into a roar. Twelve 25 pound artillery rounds slam into the earth twenty metres away from the assorted spectators. An ear-shattering cacophony of explosions rip through the air and everyone is thrown backwards. The generals and politicians are all uninjured, however, and are able to pick themselves up.
Ernle Chatfield: What the bloody Hell was that?!
Cyril Deverell: A demonstration of timed artillery support at its finest!
Hugh Dowding: Finest?! It practically killed us!
Cyril Deverell: I never said anything about the positioning, but the timing was perfect! As soon as we get to work on the minor problem of which direction to fire in, we’ll combine that with our perfect timing to create a formidable artillery barrage!
David Lloyd George: Are you saying that our artillery pieces are not told where to fire? That they simply fire wherever they want?
Cyril Deverell: Well when you put it that way it sounds like a bad thing!
A stunned silence descends.
Cyril Deverell: Besides, it doesn’t matter at all about where they fire, so long as they fire on time!
A longer, more stunned silence descends.
Ernle Chatfield: So are we working on improving accuracy now?
Cyril Deverell: Of course not! I’ve set our men to work on making our tanks more reliable!
David Lloyd George: Perhaps we should move on… What is next to be demonstrated?
Cyril Deverell: Ah yes, you’ll enjoy this! Fifth Company, fall in!
A company of immaculately attired, but unarmed soldiers forms up and stands at attention.
Hugh Dowding: What is this?
Cyril Deverell: We call it ‘Infantry Firepower Concentration’.
Ernle Chatfield: What is it?
Cyril Deverell: Well, by ensuring that our men have plentiful support weapons, like machine-guns and mortars, we should ensure that they can out-gun the enemy.
Hugh Dowding: But these men don’t have any weapons at all!
Cyril Deverell: Oh yes, it’s just a theory of course.
Ernle Chatfield: Then what on Earth is the point with all these soldiers?
Cyril Deverell: You need to use your imagination! They may not have weapons now, but just imagine the potential!
David Lloyd George: Alright, that’s it. Admiral Chatfield, I am assigning Deverell’s research teams to you. Do you have anywhere to assign them?
Ernle Chatfield: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. I’ve had a team conducting a study on how to improve the decision making of our commanders. These men would be a great help to the programme?
David Lloyd George: Very interesting. What sort of decisions do these commanders have to take?
Ernle Chatfield: The main focus is on when to choose Merlot and when to choose Cabernet Sauvignon.
David Lloyd George: Oh… Well, it’s probably better than whatever Deverell had in mind.
Cyril Deverell: An assault lawnmower company would greatly improve the versatility of the British Army!
---
A dark night lies close around 10, Downing Street. From one window, light spills out into the summer air. Inside this window David Lloyd George and Anthony Eden can be seen.
Anthony Eden: And so sir, we can come to the conclusion that and Japanese attack would come through Manchuria. However, secondary attacks may come here, at Shanghai and Nanjing and here, at Guangzhou in the south.
David Lloyd George: I see. What of the international concessions in China? Would our own territory be safe?
Anthony Eden: At the present time, it seems that the Japanese will respect our borders. This also means that Hong Kong should be safe. However, if the rest of China should fall, they would likely insist on the yielding of the Shanghai concession and the Tientsin concession.
Winston Churchill: We must gather all democratic nations to fight this expansionist menace! There can be no yielding to fascism!
Anthony Eden and David Lloyd George: Winston?! How did you get in here?
Winston Churchill: The front door.
David Lloyd George peers out the window. His eyes are met by several unconscious policemen and a huge, Churchill sized hole in the wall next to the door.
David Lloyd George: Oh god…
Winston Churchill: I also found a rather nice Pinot Noir downstairs!
David Lloyd George: Not the 1927 Burgundy!
Winston Churchill: Ah yes, that was it!
Anthony Eden, who wants Winston to leave as badly as Lloyd George does, quickly comes up with a plan.
Anthony Eden: I say, Winston, old sausage, I hear there’s a stash of ’27 Pinot Noirs in Kamchatka!
Winston Churchill: I say!
Anthony Eden: What say you go off and save it from the communists!
Winston Churchill: I’ll not have Stalin touching any wine if I can help it!
Winston Churchill runs out.
David Lloyd George: Bravo, Eden.
Anthony Eden: Thank you, sir. Now, in regards to the Japanese mobilisation, I have some orders drafted for Gort to send two divisions to Hong Kong. I can also contact Dowding and get some aeroplanes sent as well.
David Lloyd George: Excellent, the Japanese must be in no doubt that we will defend our Empire. Send the troops. Send the planes too.
Anthony Eden: Yes, sir.
---
Now, with the narrative chapter over, I need to address something that I could not earlier: goings on in the Far-East. As you have probably discovered from the main chapter, Japan has mobilised. However, there has been no declaration of war yet. This picture about sums up everything that has so far happened in Asia as a whole: not much.
The Far East in all its so far uneventful glory is still an awesome place.
---
Thanks For Reading!