Lectures
@Thordur: Harald, have you commissioned our mighty Viking army yet?
@Harald: I was about to do that, Your Majesty. But, before, I wanted to present you an amazing opportunity for our country. It´s called research...
@Thordur: Research? What can this strange word possibly mean????
(Harald: By The Fangs of Jormungand, how I am going to explain what research means to HIM?? How?... Oh, wait, wait, I know...).
@ Harald: It´s very simple, Your Majesty. The clergymen from this era have discovered how to contact the dark elves, dwarves and trolls. The Fey agreed to share their amazing mysterious magical secrets with us, as long as we... as long as we... as long as we sacrifice literate people to them. Yes, that´s it.
@ Thordur: Really? But, if we sacrifice our own people, won´t we miss them later, for example, to die in glorious battles?
@ Harald: Don´t worry, Your Majesty. I´ll try to sacrifice only Sami and Finnish populations.
@ Thordur: Devious. You were right, Harald. They would end up having some use, after all. Still... there is something I don´t get...
(Harald: Oh no! He is seeing thru my ruse, he is seeing thru my ruse...).
@ Harald: Yes, Your Majesty... ?
@ Thordur: Why do they have to be literate?
(Harald: Think fast, think fast...)
@ Harald: I don´t know for sure, Your Majesty. Those elves and trolls are strange. But I guess literate people are tastier. Or, don´t you remember that French dancer?
@ Thordur: Indeed. They are wise, The Fey. All right, let´s get some Sami girls and do some research as soon as possible!
@ Harald: Sure, Your Majesty, sure. I have compiled some of the mysterious secrets we can get from the dark elves...
@ Thordur: Oh, oh, can we get one related to weapons?
@ Harald: Yes, but there are many other fields, like cultural or industrial...
@ Thordur: Weapons.
@ Harald: But Your Majesty, this is...
@ Thordur: Big weapons, preferably.
@ Harald: Yes, Your Majesty, yes. What about this one:
@ Thordur: Harald, I am somewhat tired of your long explanations. Actually, the research lecture was the only one of them that made some sense. So, please, make it fast: What does this "professionalism" thing represents?
@ Harald: Essentially, that we can have full-time, full-season, non-bureaucrat plunderers.
@ Thordur: This is fantastic! The dream of every Viking. The elves are really our friends. Send them some more literate people in gratitude!
@ Harald: Consider it done.
@ Thordur: By the way, Harald, this whole research deal has definitely convinced me to never become literate myself.
@ Harald: That´s... that´s the wisest choice, Your Majesty.
@ Thordur: Heheheheh. You are literate, aren´t you, Harald? Hehehehehe...
@ Harald: (Sigh...) Yes, Your Majesty, but I am neither Finnish nor Sami.
@ Thordur: Yes, I remember, that´s true. You are a Goth, aren´t you?
@ Harald: Please, Your Majesty, don´t say it out loud. Yes I am, but do not mention it again.
@ Thordur: Why not?
@ Harald: Scholars in this era don´t like Goths. They say they had not enough light, or something like that. Please, don´t mention this again...
@ Thordur: All right, all right, don´t act like French about it. Let´s talk about something serious. How many men can we raise as a glorious battle host?
@ Harald: Well, Your Majesty, we can muster about 12,000 soldiers.
@ Thordur: Ha! That´s the mightiest Viking army the World has ever seen. With me as their leader, we´ll crush the thrones of Europe under the swift blade of our battleaxes!
@ Harald: Sorry, Your Majesty, but that´s not a really big army by today´s standards.
@ Thordur: Don´t be silly, Harald. I bet no other Kingdom can raise such a fearsome band of warriors.
@ Harald: But, Your Majesty...
@ Thordur: Shut up, Harald. For example, Friesland. How many men they have?
@ Harald: Friesland does not exist anymore, Your Majesty.
@ Thordur: Really? Ok. What about Burgundy?
@ Harald: Nope.
@ Thordur: Saxony?
@ Harald: Gone.
@ Thordur: Aargh. Brittany?
@ Harald: Passed.
@ Thordur: Damn you, Harald! You are getting on my nerves! It´s like you are going to tell me that the Byzantine Empire has fallen as well!!!!
@ Harald: Err... only four centuries ago, Your Majesty.
@ Thordur: I hate you, Harald. Forget about those silly manpower questions. When we Vikings go to war, we prevail. Tell me, when can we get to go plunder the coasts of Britain?
@ Harald: I don´t thinks this is going to happen, Your Majesty.
@ Thordur: Oh, sure. They finally became our colony, right? Good, let´s get some of their literate people here and...
@ Harald: Hmn, no, not quite, Your Majesty. They kind of became the most powerful empire the World has ever seen...
@ Thordur: What? How? HOW? This is not possible! Damn Loki and his mockeries! As far as I remember, they were only a backwater bunch of Celts and Saxons...
@ Harald: Oh, Your Majesty, that´s a little complicated. But I´ll try to make a brief, simple explanation. Look:
@ Harald: It went more or less this way, follow me: there were Celts; they were invaded by Romans; Romans left; Celts were invaded by Saxons; Saxons were invaded by us, glorious Vikings; then, other Vikings invaded the North of France - they became Normans...
@ Thordur: What´s a Norman?
@ Harald: A Viking-French crossbreed. The ones that did not cross to England all became French later.
@ Thordur: Poor bastards.
@ Harald: Anyways: the Viking-Normans fought against the Vikings in Britain, and founded the Kingdom of England; then the Celts plus Saxons plus Vikings plus Normans plus French all mixed up together and eventually became what we nowadays call Anglo-Saxon.
@ Thordur: Hold on, hold on. Did the French invade England?
@ Harald: No. Only the Viking-Normans.
@ Thordur: Did the Saxons win?
@ Harald: No, not at all.
@ Thordur: Then why do they call themselves Anglo-Saxon???
@ Harald: I blame Christianity for that.
@ Thordur: Good point. But, how did they become the most powerful empire in the World?
@ Harald: Well, from what I read they kept beating the French time after time until they ended up the most powerful nation in Europe and beyond. In the meantime between beating the French, they developed the habit of beating Scotts and the Irish until they ruled over the whole Britannic region as well, as you can see from the map.
@ Thordur: We can't plunder the Irish?! That`s a real shame. Hehe, at least the French didn´t change much...
@ Harald: Actually, Your Majesty, there was this man called Napoleon...
@ Thordur: Enough of your History lessons! I have a cunning plan to break England´s power!
@ Harald: Yes, Your Majesty?
@ Thordur: It´s simple, but ingenious. We´ll hire a spy to assassinate the King of England. Then his minor child heir will inherit the throne, immediately getting Realm Duress. All their vassals will rebel against the weak Liege, and their Empire will be split apart, never to recover... MWAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHG!
@ Harald: Wrong game, Your Majesty, wrong game.
@ Thordur: Damn. Well, it was worth a try. Ok, we´ll leave the English alone. For now... But, tell me, where can we go plunder?
@ Harald: Oh, Your Majesty, as soon as we have an army and a navy, I´ll present Your Highness with a list of suitable places. But, before we finish this parley, I would like to comment on the Prussians...
@ Thordur: Prussians? What about them?
@ Harald: They are a cunning bunch of warriors. They plan to form an enormous Empire called Germany, and, then, to conquer all of Europe.
@ Thordur: They seem like nice neighbors. What is stopping them from forming this Germany-thing?
@ Harald: Well, they need this French estate, Alsace-Lorraine ...
@ Thordur: A French province is the only thing that is keeping them from forming a brutal warmongering constitutional Empire? Why?
@ Harald: I am not one hundred percent sure, Your Majesty, but I am almost certain it has something to do with sphering some French dancers before going into a brutal and senseless conquering spree...
@ Thordur: By the Meadless Cups of Odin, those Prussians are some crafty devils! We should try to ally with them.
@ Harald: But, Your Majesty, we have other natural allies...
@ Thordur: Try it.
@ Harald: But our natural allies and the Prussians are...
@ Thordur: Now, I said.
@ Harald: Sigh...
(Waiting in anticipation)
@ Harald: They said no.
@ Thordur: Damn. Why?
@ Harald: Their official explanation was that we were nothing more than a tribe of barbaric fish-eating morons.
@ Thordur: What!? How dare them! I´ll show them how barbaric we can get! I am sure we can trash their pathetic armies with our soon to exist 12,000 warriors!
@ Harald: ...
@ Thordur: Can´t we!?
@ Harald: Your Majesty, you look so tired. We better discuss this some other day...