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Thread: Writings of Halfard: Translated and edited by John Kivvers

  1. #1

    Writings of Halfard: Translated and edited by John Kivvers

    Introduction

    You hold in your hands the definitive version of Writings of Halfard. It is one of the most famous books in History, and with good reason, being chronicle of a period of time in the Fourth Fused Universe, 1419-1819. This was, of course, the time of Puff. This version of the book holds all materials ever incorporated into it. This means it will be quite thicker than most university editions, which are non-definitive.

    Halfard was Puffs Elfish secretary. He lived from about 40,000,000 BC to 2487 AD. It is unclear of the circumstances in which he wrote this, but it may be assumed that most of it was written off his notes, and the rest was gradually fitted in between his writing and the posthumous publication in 2493 AD. Halfard was an interesting person, in that he wrote such an important book, but was barely mentioned in other writings, or even in this. We shall, sadly, know very little about him, but what we do is sufficient for now.
    Since Halfard was an Elf, we do fortunately have that odd Elfish style which is a sure sign of anyone’s origin. This is mainly how we know certain things were added after the original writing.

    If Halfard is interesting, Puff is more so. He was born in the dark depths of Russia, and his family emigrated to England in the Yaga-Gnomic War of the 800’s. St. George then promptly killed his family. This leads to an interesting thought. Puff is known for being a great lover of freedom and equality of peoples. But he intensely hated knights, and, during his government, launched wars for their destruction. These contradictions are interesting, but I should not deign to address everything in the introduction. Good reading.

    John Kivvers, Editor.

    Translator’s note

    All material in this book, except that written by myself, was originally written in a foreign language. I have attempted to translate it as literally as possible without making it unintelligible. If a line has been left in its original language, that is because it is a foreign language to the author, and intentionally written in that language. Any of these will be translated in the appendix.
    Last edited by J. Passepartout; 02-01-2003 at 01:26.

  2. #2
    This is a placeholder for an AAR, which will begin as soon as I get around to owning a copy of EU2. I will be playing as England. Goals are essentially the same as my first attempt with this character. The rule about sheep has been deleted.

    Edit:Here are the original rules

    Rules: No cheating. Due to his large size, a dragon is easily caught cheating, since he is unable to conceal it.

    Goals: Puff shall think of some in time, don't worry, young grasshopper.

  3. #3
    CareBear Eochaid's Avatar
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    Hey J.! Another AAR yet! I'll be the first poster here and the best reader!
    Reading makes a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man - Francis Bacon

  4. #4
    Thanks. Note that it will probably be some time until actual gameplay. I had the general idea beforehand, but I thought of a good way to start it. Or I think, at least. I thought if I waited to write it down, I would forget about it.

    Everyone, feel free to post Puff-like comments.

  5. #5
    Right Wing Conspirator Charles II's Avatar
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    It brings "Puff the Magic Dragon" kiddie show back to my memory

  6. #6
    Watch this thread for new posts within 62 hours of the mark.





    MARK

  7. #7
    One Winged Angel Rocky Horror's Avatar
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    du lieber gott, this is a ressurrection to be admired...

  8. #8
    If only I remembered what lieber meant.

    If only I knew where my German dictionary went.

    I'm very rusty.

  9. #9
    Compulsive CommentatAAR stnylan's Avatar
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    *Settling down for all the fun*
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  10. #10
    One Winged Angel Rocky Horror's Avatar
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    Okay, after some quality sleep, I've got some ideas...

    -Dragons love gold. Thus, one of your goals should be to amass as much gold as h- dragonly possible. Spend as little as possible to still continue functioning.

    -Dragons hate knights. KILL THE ARISTOCRACY SLIDER! UP WITH THE PEASANTRY! And make infantry/artillery heavy armies.


    This should be good.. a period of about five years, I idolized dragons. I'm almost over it, but this AAR is already making me all melty inside...

  11. #11
    The second point was already planned upon. To a point, however, as I feel a certain amount of aristocracy is needed for the English atmosphere. I'll probably resolve it to the present situation in England.

    On point one, I tend to only spend money in preparation for war and colonization, and those two things will factor very majorly into my style of playing. Killing of Knights, French, enemies of Puffs personal friends, et cetera.

  12. #12
    LurkAAR Norgesvenn's Avatar
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    Bah, Aristocracy is useless! All they do on their horses is hunting foxes, anyway!

    Looking good, J!
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    - John Kenneth Galbraith

  13. #13
    Indeed, Norgesvenn, which is why we need them: comic relief.

    I might get something up tonight, but the previous mark post still applies. Still waiting for some stuff from Amazon.com.

    Here I am, seriously arguing things intended to be placed in a comedy.

  14. #14
    One day, a great many years ago, there was a dragon, who lived by the sea, in England. His name was Puff. He lived comfortably, but not opulously, and ran a surfboard shop when he wasn't swimming or terrorizing the local inhabitants by eating their sheep. One day, a man who lived at court visited the beach Puff lived at. He did business at Puff's Surfboard Emporium and mentioned that the king would like to see a real live dragon, and how Puff must have seen quite a bit in the way of interesting things, being a dragon, and why didn't Puff come to visit court and give advice. Puff said he had to go. Come, Halfard, he said, we need a good surfboard. What are you doing, said the man. I am going back in time. The surfboard was mounted. Oime qarisa putei Poev Haalivord said Puff. By St. George, I've seen something, said the man. An echo told him such fould language was not allowed in Puff's Surfboard Emporium, especially with children present.

  15. #15
    One Winged Angel Rocky Horror's Avatar
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    An echo told him such fould language was not allowed in Puff's Surfboard Emporium, especially with children present.
    I'm getting slow in my old age. I had to read this twice to 'get' it, but when I did, I almost choked laughing...

  16. #16
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    Your hatred of the knights... Why not do the simple thing and Kill the Knights? (that is, the country)
    "Man is free; but his freedom does not look like the glorious liberty of the Enlightenment; it is no longer the gift of God. Once again, man stands alone in the universe, responsible for his condition, likely to remain in a lowly state, but free to reach above the stars.."
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  17. #17
    It is now decades earlier than it was in 1492. Puff had a surprise arrival in court. “Where is the king” he shouted. A man woke up. “Hhhhmmmm?” “I said, Where is the king.” “Oh. He’s off in France somewhere. We’re at war, you know.” No, I didn’t know.” “Anyway, I imagine he’s trying to connect the holdings there.” And it was so. The king sent back this message.

    Dear whoever is in charge at the moment

    We are in Picardie. They seem to resist our advances to take their wines. Sent that Clarence fellow to kill those Scots.

    The rest of the message was covered in wine stains.

    Anyway, Puff went to Parliament after this. “I am a dragon. I can breath fire. I wish for a powerful position, preferably as the Grand Ruler of the Universe, Partaker of Everything.” “We are sorry. We can only make you dead by means of this knight.” The temperature rose several degrees, and the air around the knight glowed blue. “You idiot” said the knight. He then died. “I will settle for Prime Minister,” said Puff. “All in favor say Aye.” “AYE” shouted the chambers.

    “I would like to thank you all for voting me into my office. Now, if any of you go against me, the results will be hot.

    Now, I couldn’t be bothered to fight the Scots, especially as I like their food. I insist that we accept the next favorable peace.”

    Letter from the Evil French

    We demand 50 Pounds Sterling immediately.

    Signed, the Evil French

    Dear Evil French

    No.

    Signed, Puff the Magic Dragon

    Dear Puff the Magic Dragon

    How about we pay you 188 Pounds Sterling?

    The Evil French

    Dear Evil French

    Okay

    Puff

    "Well, we're no longer at war, My Lord. Come to think of it, who were we at war with?" "I don't know, Puff." "Oh, well, we've gotten money out of it."

  18. #18
    Originally posted by Rocky Horror
    I'm getting slow in my old age. I had to read this twice to 'get' it, but when I did, I almost choked laughing...
    Thanks.

    Your hatred of the knights... Why not do the simple thing and Kill the Knights? (that is, the country)
    All in good time.

  19. #19
    And then we went to war with the Irish. They were easy game, and vassalised. The was after Puff ordered the release of Wales to form a nation. His subtle reasoning was thus: 'oops'. We forced Wales into our alliance with our vassal Brittany and Burgundy. Puff sent off some sheep of his so they would be happy and join the war effort. However, Burgundy found some sheep in Denmark and declared war. Puff said Illegal sheep possesion is no reason for war, especially when Denmark annexes Wales and cause another bloody war. Oh, by the way, Halfard, get me that surfboard.

    Puff went to King henry and said Considering we are at war with France, lets give some church land to me. Why, said the king? Well, you made me a marquis, and, as I understand it, we are allowed to agitat for this sort of thing. Oh, and I need 200 Pounds Sterling to cover a bet.

  20. #20
    One Winged Angel Rocky Horror's Avatar
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    His subtle reasoning was thus: 'oops'.
    The sheer brilliance of the cunning mind revealed within caused entire sections of my brain to surrender in despair.

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