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Thread: The Great Kiwi Road Trip!

  1. #1

    The Great Kiwi Road Trip - New Zealand takes over the world!

    Welcome fellow readers, and join me on

    Fast Forward

    => Chapter 1: Humble Beginnings (1936)

    => Chapter 2: First Blood (1937)

    => Chapter 3: Rampage in the Tropics (1937-38)

    => Chapter 4: Playing with the Fire (1939)

    => Chapter 5: Calm before the Storm (1940)

    => Chapter 6: In New Zealand America (1941-42)

    => Chapter 7: Setting Sail (1942-44)

    => Chapter 8: Soviet Nazis (1945-46)

    => Chapter 9: So long, and thanks for all the Tea (1946-?)
    - ongoing!


    Kiwis are well known for 2 things, amongst others: An uncanny ability to improvise and build weird stuff, and also bad driving skills. So, in this thread, we ask ourselves, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN when you start a war with New Zealand!?

    Outcome 1)
    Sheep Rocket Artillery of Doom (this is scary)

    Outcome 2)
    New Zealanders driving tanks (even more scary!!)

    Outcome 3)

    Inspired by Zardnaar's reports, here it is! World Domination with New Zealand! Rules of the game:
    - No cheats
    - No events
    - Normal difficulty
    - No IC takeover
    - No Tech takeover
    - No Military control of allies (except for expeditions)
    - I won't build any tanks or rocket artillery, for obvious reasons

    The roadtrip starts here...
    Last edited by dhomas; 26-12-2014 at 18:36.

  2. #2
    Chapter 1: Humble Beginnings

    1. January 1936, 00:00
    Wellington, capital of New Zealand. A quiet place - a peaceful place.

    With a crash the door flew open. A short man with a big moustache came stumbling in the Prime Minister's office. It was a rather curious figure, heavily panting and dressed only in pyjamas.

    Gen. Freyberg: "I'm here, I'm here! What is the meaning of this? In the middle of the night!!"

    Michael Joseph Savage: "Ah, Freyberg, about time! Come, we have important things to discuss."

    Savage made a dramatic pause as the overweight general caught his breath.

    Savage: "I have an idea, Freyberg. And a very grand one at that."

    Freyberg: "If this is another of your stupid pranks..."

    Savage: "Trust, Freyberg! Where is your trust?", he scolded as he walked to the window.

    Savage: "Come here, and have a look outside. Tell me what you see."

    The general had a quick look.

    Freyberg: "Nothing much, I reckon."

    Savage: "Exactly! There's nothing much to see because New Zealand is so boring! Nothing but farmers, sheep and green hills! And this is the reason -"

    Freyberg: "Actually Prime Minister, it's dark so you can't see anything..."

    Savage shot him a quick glance. Either the man was being sarcastic or just plain stupid.

    Savage: "... as I was saying, the reason I called you. I'm sick of it! Every day the same old shit! Nothing but farmers and sheep! I'm the prime minister, for god's sake! I deserve better than that! And you do too, Freyberg. You're a soldier! You fought in WW1! Don't you want to relive your former glory?"

    Freyberg: "Actually Prime Minister, we lost pretty much every battle we participated in..."

    Savage: "SILENCE! I've had enough of your bickering. Freyberg, you and I, we're going on a road trip. It's boring here, so why not make a change? See the world! Taste exotic food! Conquer a continent!"

    Freyberg: "Conquer a continent!?"

    Savage: "Hahaha yeah, I was actually joking. We're not going to conquer a continent."

    Hearing this, Freyberg exhaled in relief. But before he could say anything, an evil grin spread over the prime minister's face.


    Freyberg: "..."


    Freyberg: "..."

    Savage: "..."

    Freyberg: "Are you -"


    With an exasperated sigh, Freyberg turned to leave the office. All he wanted now is to go back to his cozy bed, and in the morning find out this was all just a nightmare.
    Last edited by dhomas; 05-01-2012 at 14:55.
    The Great Kiwi Roadtrip - world domination with New Zealand!

  3. #3
    Leave Australia out of this!

  4. #4
    Is world conquest possible with New Zealand without IC takeover?

  5. #5
    --Sorry guys I screwed up and accidentially edited this update All the text is lost, crap! Here are the images at least, so you can kind of understand what is going on:

    Last edited by dhomas; 05-01-2012 at 20:55.
    The Great Kiwi Roadtrip - world domination with New Zealand!

  6. #6
    I'm gonna follow this, especially since you didn't give in to the temptation of IC takeover. Wonder who you're gonna attack first?

  7. #7
    I have to imagine youre going to conquer Australia by 1941? Are you going to join the Axis? Or are you going to ally with Japan? Whats the plan man,let us in a little?

  8. #8
    @Battle bunny: this update will answer your question!

    @Hepzibah3: some interesting possibilities! However I will stick with the allies for some time. Can't really afford to have Royal Navy knocking on my door in 1939. And Australian Navy is stationed just next door. Especially since I will need to move transports and convoys round the world they'd shut me down in a heartbeat. Instead they will give me cover for my invasions around the world!

    Essentially the start of the game will be similar to what Zardnaar did . However after that it will get interesting
    Last edited by dhomas; 10-05-2011 at 06:16.
    The Great Kiwi Roadtrip - world domination with New Zealand!

  9. #9
    Chapter 2: First Blood

    8. January 1937

    Freyberg: You don't have to yell sir, I'm standing right here.

    Savage: Oh! Erm... well very good. Freyberg, I finally did it! After months of supporting the communist underground, they've finally gone public!

    Savage: Defend democracy? Haha that was a good one! Good riddance I say!


    Savage: Don't worry Freyberg. We're communists only in name! As you can see we still are a market economy, and over the last year have amassed a huge pile of money! Any capitalist would be proud

    Savage: Anyway, we are now a dictatorship! That means everybody has to do what I say! Isn't that great Freyberg?


    Savage: I'm glad you think so too! We are now ready to strike at our first target! By the way, have you upgraded my troops as I told you to?

    Freyberg: Erm, no they are still from 1918...

    Savage: What the hell! I specifically told you at our last meeting! Weren't you listening!? Anyway, it matters not. I see that our cavalry at least has been upgraded, and a spearhead of 5 divisions should be quite enough for what I have in mind.
    Have your men board the transports and set out as soon as you are ready! You will be taking command of the expedition since you are our most able commander.

    Freyberg: Damn right I am! But may I ask where we're going?

    Freyberg: Okay... why Venezuela?

    Savage: Easy, because they are a laughably small nation and can't defend themselves!

    Freyberg: Kinda like us

    Savage: Shut up Anyway it will be easy to annex them, and with that we'll also capture their tremendous oil reserves. We will use it as trade banter, and purchase new equipment from our allies. Now go, before the French get there and take Venezuela for themselves!


    And with this, the expedition set sail for America. After refuelling in Bermuda, Freyberg and his men surveyed the Venezuelan coast.

    Freyberg: What the hell, we come to attack and there's noone to defend? This is going to be easy! ATTACK!

    After landing in Maracaibo, the local milita is driven out of Caracas. With the enemy in retreat, transports move in to secure the city.

    Freyberg: Not bad, conquered a whole country in just 6 days! Faster even than Nazis! It's like Blitzkrieg, just with horses

    And not a day too early, since French ships are already cruising off the coast! But they come too late, Kiwis already own the land! Greedy Froggies!


    The next day, Freyberg received a radio transmission from Wellington.

    (the telegram ends here)
    Last edited by dhomas; 05-01-2012 at 14:54.
    The Great Kiwi Roadtrip - world domination with New Zealand!

  10. #10

    Anyway, almost all of the games I've seen with New Zealand or Australia start with conquering Venezuela and after that some more South american nations before the WC really starts!

    Good Luck!


  11. #11
    This went from being an "I might read this to the end" AAR to an "I will definitely follow to the end AAR"

    Savage is such a funny guy <3

  12. #12
    Old Guard Miihkali's Avatar
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    Interesting to see such an AAR. I like the humorous and lighter touch that is nowadays rather uncommon in HoI2 AARs. In your AAR no one has yet gave speeches to a meeting of a government to have a literal excuse to have a 'plausible' discussion which sums your nations situation (instead or just telling plain right what's your IC, money reserve, and so on). And luckily, either of your characters hasn't yet started such speech by saying "Gentlemen" which is one of the worst clichés in HoI2 AAR-writing.

    I myself once played as NZ, very long time ago though... Don't remember much of that game, if I recall correctly I built some tactical bombers and marines and mostly just took some islands from the Japs, that's it. Interesting to see a communist New Zealand going on a killing spree all over the world.
    Last edited by Miihkali; 10-05-2011 at 16:07.
    Mikael "Miihkali" Tuominen

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  13. #13
    @Miihkali: yeah I'm not trying to make up a realistic backstory because, let's be honest, the entire idea isn't exactly realistic! Anyway at this rate I'll have to change the AAR title into "Freyberg and the Crazytrain"or something


    Meanwhile, news of New Zealand's evil machinations spread around the planet!

    First reactions from readers around the world:

    Stay tuned for Chapter 3: Rampage in the Tropics!
    Last edited by dhomas; 05-01-2012 at 14:52.
    The Great Kiwi Roadtrip - world domination with New Zealand!

  14. #14
    Chapter 3: Rampage in the Tropics

    I'll write this chapter in fast-forward mode, because you all can guess what is coming. However Chapter 4 will be more tricky, and Chapter 5 or 6 will have the BIG stuff...

    26. April 1937

    Freyberg: ouch...

    The sturdy general had fallen out of his bed. After a brief moment to regain his senses, he let out a sigh. He noticed his sheets were soaked with sweat. What a horrible nightmare! Or maybe it was the unbearable heat and humidity in his provisionary home in Caracas. Either way, he thought, it was good to be away from the madman. Grunting, he decided to get up.

    He was living the good life in Caracas. Hundreds of servants, awesome coffee. Everything was just fine and dandy. That was, of course, until the radio officer stormed in: "Sir, radio message for you! It's urgent!"

    Walking into the radio station, the general braced himself for the inevitable.


    Freyberg: Hearing your voice is like a dream come true....


    Savage: It's a radio sir! I can hear you loud and clear!

    Savage: Yeah but you're so far away! I have to shout louder so you can hear me, don't I?


    Savage: What was that?

    Freyberg: Nothing, sir.

    It had been the sound of his palm against his forehead. Why did old people always yell over the radio?

    Savage: Anyway, Colombia. Go get 'em!

    Freyberg: But -

    Savage: No but! If we have a discussion for every tiny country we attack, how are we going to conquer the world, hm!? You've got 7 divisions, and they only have... actually I have no idea. Anyway, doesn't matter. Now go, and you better beat them, or else!

    Freyberg flinched as the radio made a sharp crack. Part of him was angry, but mostly he had just stopped caring. He finished his coffee and gave the command.


    Resistance is laughable.

    Defenders in Bogota fight well, almost stalling Freyberg's advance! Colombian clowns try to take empty Caracas!

    Freyberg: Idiots, have fun marching through Jungle for 2 months! I'm gonna take your homeland while you're gone


    Savage: Well done Freyberg. Take a break, have some coffee, whatever. Strangely our mates back in New Zealand don't like us running around and conquering. I'll have to spend some time on "politics" so as to keep them in line. I'll redirect all our industrial capacities to Speights Brewery, and there will be free beer for all! How can anyone disagree with my policy


    Savage: Also at the last League of Nations meeting, I have officially guaranteed independence for Guangxi and Nationalist China. Now since Japan attacked them we are now an interventionist nation, and our people suddenly love my policies


    Savage: We've also finished some research, with blueprints from the French, and are now building our very first airplane!

    Savage: Now I will pay down the dissent, and you go capture Ecuador some time this year ok?



    Freyberg: *zzzzzzzzz*

    Last edited by dhomas; 21-01-2012 at 20:42.
    The Great Kiwi Roadtrip - world domination with New Zealand!

  15. #15
    lol. This should be enjoyable.
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  16. #16
    Savage sure likes his coffee with a touch of... CRAZY

  17. #17
    Savage: Very good Freyberg! Now let's see how you handle the Peruvians! They've got an army to match our own, plus they're entrenched in the mountains!

    Freyberg: This is crazy! Prime Minister, until now we have been successful but the USA isn't going to tolerate this much longer! Ever heard of the Monroe doctrine?

    Savage: Monroe? No idea Freyberg. Listen -

    Freyberg: No you listen! The US guarantees the independence of ALL South America! If we keep on annexing countries they're going to attack us! And then it's game over!

    Savage: You sound like a worried old hag! The USA is still fairly isolationist, plus I have invested in good relations. So I think we can still conquer some more countries before they intervene.

    Savage: I just hope they don't notice we're completely ripping them off with trade deals

    Freyberg: So you bribed them with their own money

    Savage: Genius, I know! Anyhow, we'll just try it out and see what happens. Sounds like a plan to me!

    Freyberg: Why do I feel bad about this...

    Savage: Now go, conquer Peru. Oh, and while you're at it, take also Bolivia and Paraguay, just for good measure


    Peru indeed proves to be more complicated. The defenders have several divisions entrenched in the mountains, making an amphibious landing impossible. So the NZ army moves in on foot.

    Freyberg: Grr, I hate walking (I'm fat)...

    Now that the Peruvians are beaten back, the infantry is ferried in from the sea. But suddenly, disaster strikes!

    Freyberg: AAAAAAAAAAAH! I lost a transport, and a whole infantry division with it! Shit! We have low manpower anyway, NZ cannot afford this! Next time I better walk

    And so, the slow advance is made on foot.

    Finally, British carriers arrive, and the amphibious invasion can continue under their cover.

    Freyberg: That's what you get for sinking my transports


    Freyberg: This should be easy. 8 vs 4, what could possibly go wrong?

    Freyberg: WHAT THE!! It's a frozen mountain!? I thought in South America it's all tropics and jungle!? Oh man!

    Meanwhile, the first CAS plane comes out of production. This could really turn the battle around! But the range is too small...

    Freyberg: Fail...

    A Bolivian advance is quickly repelled.

    Finally (after 2 months!), the weather clears and the army can march into La Paz.

    Freyberg: Tough guys, those Bolivians! Still, no match for mighty NZ army.


    Freyberg: Ok but this time there will be no surprises! Send out the airforce!

    Based from the newly captured La Paz, the NZ airforce can actually reach their target. After a week of interdiction, Paraguay is toast.

    Last edited by dhomas; 05-01-2012 at 14:52.
    The Great Kiwi Roadtrip - world domination with New Zealand!

  18. #18
    The glorious NZ reich at the end of 1938.

    Savage: Very nice Freyberg! See, did the US attack us?

    Freyberg: No sir...

    Savage: See, I told you. Just do what I say and we'll be good. And for now, have a break. The coming year will see my grandest plan yet, and I promise your jaw will be dropping! Do you know what we will be conquering?

    Freyberg:I think I know what's coming...

    The general pressed his palms on his ears in preparation.

    Last edited by dhomas; 05-01-2012 at 14:51.
    The Great Kiwi Roadtrip - world domination with New Zealand!

  19. #19
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    This is incredibly hilarious
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  20. #20
    still 2 IC short of the 2nd tech team (or is this before recovery of the paraguyan IC?) Anyways...next stop Chile?


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