Ten Reasons why Europa Universalis III is the worst game EVER

It's March, 1767 and I just got 'Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité' enacted for yet another 20 years. This means that I will have several breakthroughs next month but also that I will be fighting revolts for years to come. Yay. It also cost me quite a bit and I only have like 560 money, so I'll need to keep minting for the rest of the year at least, just in case. And my Magistrates are starting to pile up...

Things started to heat up shortly after, with Morocco attacking Trebizond, my ally, in association with the Ottomans. It was probably going to be a short war for Trebizond, but I was obliged to join in, so I did. (By the way, if I'm switching between gramatical tenses, that's because I'm writing my AARs 'live', ie. I'm not only taking notes but writing the actual thing while I'm playing the game. Things get a little confusing sometimes.)


Trebizond surrendered soon, but the war of course waged on for a while after that. The Ottomans having lots of ships thought they were badass and everything, but they were wrong.


Anyway, after beating Morocco's navy as well, I settled for a peace that removed several Moroccan cores around and the partial release of Georgia. (Several of their provinces were under Ottoman rule and I could only make one of them release the new country. No comment.)

In early 1769, my new University at Languedoc was finished, giving me a four stars Philosopher, fulfilling my latest mission. To noone's surprise, the next mission was the building of another University, which would be my 14th one. No, I don't really want to do that, but refusing the mission would probably result in an Fine Arts Academy request anyway, so I'll just let it stay there. April, 1769 brought me level 57 of Grovernment Tech, allowing me to turn into a Revolutionary Republic. I mean theoretically, because it was not actually available on the proper panel. Oh, well. It can't be that good anyway.

Things were rather dull until Austria has started an all out continental war in Europe in 1772. Well, they might not have been the ones who started the war, but I don't really care, the point is that half of Central Europe started fighting the other half and I decided it would be wise to get involved and throw a few punches while the iron is hot, if you know what I mean!


I was considering waiting until October when my next National Idea becomes available, but I'm not sure I will use it for a military-related one anyway. I want Improved Foraging, but I can't get it yet, being three levels short on Trade, so I guess it will be Espirit de Corps (whatever that +25% Discipline does, it should be beneficial I guess). The other candidate was Smithian Economics, but that would be kinda hypocratic with my full-Mercantilist standing.


Having nothing else to do, in 1773, I started building that new University in Massina (which is in Western Africa, for your information).

A little later, I recieved a Boundary Dispute event for Idah, a Spanish colony that has been under Particularist occupation for over a century now. That should be fun!


I really hoped for something interesting, but oh well.


In August of 1774, I annexed Salzburg diplomatically. Three years later I reached level 65 in Government Tech, getting my last National idea, which was Improved Foraging, like I mentioned earlier. And with that, I will no longer need to spend a penny on Government techs, since the last ten or so levels don't do anything. Then again, the rest does very little as well: Production and Trade give marginal bonuses to my income, Naval gives somewhat longer colony range and Land gives very, very minor bonuses to unit stats (that don't even show on the interface). So I guess I will be balanced from now on (and I will no longer use that 'Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité' bullcrap either).

After the University in Massina was finished, I recieved another similar request, which I declined, then I recieved a mission to build a Textile Manufactury, at which point I gave up. No, I won't build any more stupid manufacturies for no actual gain in the long run! Because screw you, that's why.

Anyone remember how I held a grudge against Siena? Neither did I. It all came back to me in 1779, when they suddenly decided to secede to me!


The tiny city-state was annexed by Naples a few decades ago, but they couldn't hold on to them and now I'm the rightful owner of a shiny new Italian city! Along with 8 regiments, no less. Excellent! And another University which won't actually do me any good now. Whatever. I wonder if there's any way of upgrading those inherited troops into something useful, 'cause they came as Gallop Cavalry and Grenzer Infantry instead of my proper Napoleonic standards...

Later on in 1781, I recieved another Boundary Dispute, this time against Naples, for Apulia, which I also went to war over.


I was considering the annexation of Sardinia, but that would have resulted in 28 Infamy, which alone would push me over the limit, and I already had 12 at the time. So instead I merely vassalized them for now. I also vassalized Epirus. Naples wasn't lucky enough:


And for the rest of the two years in this Reason, I decided to hoard up the two remaining provinces from Madagascar, which were under Papal control. Fortunatelly I still had the Liberation CB against the Pope, and the two lackeys he had weren't any threat either.


Note to self: if I don't start the war specifically to reclaim a core, it won't have a reduced Infamy cost. Stupid but true.


I was just considering to change one of my National Ideas when a wild event appeared:


So I could replace Unam Scantum (which I only used for a short gig back in the day against the HRE) with Colonial Ventures (to get the most of Madagascar and possibly start exploring the rest of Indonesia as well) ASAP for almost free. And that's what I did during the final year of this Issue and this Reason.

Oh, and of course the Pope didn't really approve of not having a seat of power and came knocking on my door to give Rome back. Which I declined of course, because I'm that awesome.

So what's the difference between a Constitutional Monrachy and a Despotic Monarchy? Where's your parliament? And where's your absolute rule if you don't have one?

Troops with rifles can damage the enemy first, before they come into close combat. But then they back out again so they can shoot.

When you take over a province, every single building is destroyed in there, except for Forts (which are completely indestructible...) and Manufacturies. Seems legit.

You can enact 'L'état c'est moi' in a Constitutional Republic.

You can assimilate the natives into your colony, but they might also burn down your trading post while it is under development, which depends on their aggressiveness rating, and it would be a really nice feature, except for every single province has max aggressiveness natives!

There's absolutely no way to get over the Religious Turmoil of the Reformation by making it the new paradigm, you need to oppose it in order for it to end. You can't accept religious freedom. Even though there are several National Ideas that do just that.

The USA is a Republican Dictatorship. Well, alright, that might be considered kinda prophetic in a way. Then again, it is on Greenland...

...


Bah, whatever. I'm sitting at home sick on this awefully hot Summer day with nothing better to do, so I will finally finish the game today. Not that I did that much for a long time anyway. I'm starting to get really bored... But I must be strong! Only 30 years left to go!

By the way, there are 72 levels of tech in every area and here are my tech levels as of 1791:


I guess there's a reason to continue with 'Liberté, Egilité, Fraternité' after all! Also, in 1792, I diplo-annexed Sardinia. The colonies there gave me some trouble because they had no forts at all and thus the regularly appearing French Particularists siezed the provinces immediately, destroying my new forts under construction as well, but I managed to clear things up in the end, assimilating most of the provinces.

At the start of 1794, the whole of Madagascar was self-sufficient. Good. Now on to Indonesia! In January, 1800, I even had a few days when there were provinces being colonized at the same time!

By 1803, I got reeeeeally bored and DoWed Majapahit, an Indonesian minor. They got some help from Hindustan (who also brought some others to the party) but it didn't help much, they were quick to fall and were annexed. I accepted a White Peace with Hindustan afterwards. I wasn't prepared to stroll through their backyard yet.

Later on I was giving some thought to going back to Hindustan and liberate some minors there, but with their level 21 Land Technology compared to my level 68 seemed like a pretty one-sided fight and I didn't really feel like stealing candy from a baby.

By 1808, it was pretty obvious that nothing interesting was to happen for the rest of the game but I was still trying to force myself to keep going!

I spread out my colonization efforts to start up as many as possible instead of building all of them up first. This way, I had colonies all over Indonesia by the early 1810's.


As a final attempt from the game to catch my interest, the Ottomans attacked Trebizond along with a few friends.


It faild. I won't fall into your trap, game! I will deal with the prestige (and trustworthiness?) loss rather than join a war against an oversized foot stool just before the finish line! Georgia can screw herself, too. And Aquileia. Man, you are trying really hard, arn't you!...

In 1811, I couldn't continue 'Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité' any longer, so France definitely can't into space. A shame, really. Still, finishing the game with all my techs at 69 is even better I'll have to go a few steps towards Narrowminded to achieve this (kinda ironical, isn't it?...), but it sure is a worthy goal! I'm also wondering how much money I can amass if I don't build anything for the rest of the game without making any inflation? I finished 1816 with around 27000. Hmm. With an annaul income of around 3000, that won't be that astounding. Oh, whatever.

Of course this stupid game didn't even let me finish with all techs at 69, because in 1819, the cost for techs decreased enough for Government Tech to finish in January.


Also because I know you would be bugging me for more screenshots of the rest of the World and stuff (you can't just let it go, can you?!), here you are:



And this concludes the Top Ten Reasons Why Europa Universalis is the Worst Game EVER!


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