Ten Reasons why Europa Universalis III is the worst game EVER

Do I really have to comment on that one? Really? I mean just look at this map:


"Spain is not the Emperor." Yeah, I gathered as much. If it would, it could shoot lightning bolts. So, Spain (well, technically Castille, but whatever) might not be the Emperor, but it still has some pretty far flung holdings. Like the entire coast freakin' Norway! But at least England is still pretty much impotent. Muwhaha! "The larger your country, the more research and regaining stability cost." Yeah, I noticed. Right now my two most advanced techs are Government and Land (11 both), five years ahead of time. This gives a pretty big penalty on research. Not that it matters, really, because it actually increases the cost to gain a level, not lowers the efficiency of gaining research points. So, unless I can gather enough points to jump a level in 5 years (which is pretty unlikely even for mighty France!), the cost will get back to a normal level anyway. I was trying very hard to get those shiny Large Bronze Cast Mortars and Houfnices ASAP because I like big bang, but that's simply not going to happen. Spending almost 40% of my budget would get me there in like 7-8 years (and that's with the ahead-of-time penalty removed). And guess what! There is someone with level 12 land tech already! And it's my friendly neighbourhood Aachen. Which is nice because I get +0.2 investment from them (on a tech that is ahead of time). It's kinda sad that you can't take the tech of others simply by stomping them to the ground

Sooo. It was a looooong time since the last issue, so here's some recap. (I probably need it more than you do, since you probably just started reading this anyway...) Here's a sitrep:
Our current mission is to conquer Milan. In practice this means taking Lombardia, but since it is their capital, it actually equals conquering them completely. We are in a Personal Union with them, so obviously I can't just kick their door in. (Even though my Infamy is "only" about 20 right now ) I have a chance to integrate them peacefully though. That might happen randomly when our monarch dies (although it probably won't since my heir is 2 years old...), or I can force them in 50 years. Yeah, right.
I have 60 Regiments (45 Infantry, 15 Cavalry, no cannons ). That places me at #2 in the arms race, with only the Ottomans ahead of me.
My Navy consists of 31 Carracks and 10 Cogs. With that, I'm #4 in the top list, and #2 in the region (the first two are Ming and Hindustan). Even Castille has fewer ships than I do! (Which is, again, very ahistorical!)
I own most of cosmopolitan France except for a few vassals (Alencon, Armagnac, Foix and Provence). There are two minor thorns in my side (Burgundy who still has three French provinces and Avignon who I couldn't annex because they are a Archbishopric and can't form Royal Marriages!). Plus there are a few provinces still included in the Holy Roman Empire that have French cultures and thus I want for myself. (They have lots of Iron, too!)
Europe is still pretty much united in religion, except for those pesky Orthodox clowns and the heathen Muslims in the Balkans.


So, with all that in mind, let's start bribing Milan so they don't hate me so much You know, 'cause I'm a nice guy, and all! I didn't really want to annex you like a few years ago, no! That was my evil twin, Ecnarf! I'm such a nice guy that when some unknown prick tried to incite rebellions in one of my provinces (and succeeded), the Revolt Risk didn't even increase in the slightest, because of how firm my rule is over the lands and how much my subjects love me! That's how awesome I am!

Castille seemingly doesn't like Brandenburg. They told the Pope he pukes at parties, so His Holiness excommunicated them. (They won't get any communique-s about any parties from now on.) Serves them well, I say!

Now, I really, really wanted to stay out of trouble for a little while, but nooo. Austria had to Burgundy, who is in my Sphere of Influence. They say that Burgundy is at war with their Allies (which might be true, since Burgundy is involved in like 5 wars right now...) and they were forced to declare war. Alright. You want to play rough, I can play rough. The funny thing is that now I suddenly found myself on the same side as the party pooper, Brandenburg. Stupid Burgundy, I told you that you don't have to defend everyone who's name starts with a B! The other funny thing is that our side has more Cavalry than they have Infantry and more Infantry than they have altogether. And Austria is landlocked.

On the next day, my sidekicks joined the fray. With them, our Cavalry forces outnumbered the entire enemy army. Smooth. Then Aachen (you know, the one with the cannons, and the one who sends those spies, I might add) warned me that I shouldn't be so aggressive. Like defending my Sphere of Influence. Right. Anything else? Holland warned me as well. Then the allies of Austria started to join in. Even Luxemburg joined, which was a pretty stupid mistake on their part, because I annexed them a week later. 6 points of Infamy and another warning (now from Trier), but they have a French culture! They belong to me!


I won't even try to halt the Austrian advance in Tirol, and let Milan do that instead. If things turn ugly, I have 15000 men nearby. Meanwhile my trusty lackey Alencon takes over in Ferrara. Unfortunatelly Burgundy is at war with Switzerland too, and they can't resist an army of knifes (or knives of the army?), and will probably suffer a humiliating defeat. I'm not really sure if I care who I will have to stomp to get those provinces back, so whatever.

Well, they got away with it rather easy, spending 55 ducats and annulling their treaties with everyone. Meanwhile I decided to lend a hand to Tirol, but my counterattack was halted before I could enter Austrian territory. There's a one province bottleneck at Lienz with like 20000 Austrian soldiers and no way of getting past them. On our end of the bottleneck, there are almost 30000 men though, so they don't have any more chance to get through than we do. So it's time to take a look around elsewhere. They also have Saxony on their side, so I asked around for some Military Access to get there with my "military advisors". (They will advise Saxony to give up before I get really pissed.) With Ferrara occupied, Austria started to send me White Peace offers. Not likely. I took the opportunity to increase my Centralization (and got a Local Pretender in Maine, who was quickly dealt with).

When we reoccupied Tirol, Austria decided it's time to try another attack. Then they suddenly reconsidered. Would you make up your mind already? I want you to come here so I can crush you properly and then mount a counter attack!

Knocking out Saxony was still not enough to convince Austria to give me Ferrara (the province has a University I must have!), so I started to ask around for a few more Military Accesses. My cunning plan to move around Salzburg and attack Linz instead of Lienz worked! It lured away the Austrian forces and in the woods of Linz, my outnumbered army routed the enemy! That might have had something to do with the reinforcements already being in sight, but whatever. The point is that my second army will be able to get ahead of them in Wien, and hopefully I can force a decisive battle. Preferably with my victory.


Alright, so I didn't manage to wipe them out entirely because they ran away. No matter, we will give pursuit. On to Steiermark! Where, again, my forces were the defenders, giving them a -5 penalty for terrain and -1 penalty for crossing the Danube. Unfortunately the second Battle of Wien was on thier terms because one of their two armies moved a tiny little bit faster (for whatever reason) and arrived a day earlier at the battlefield. Still, since their armies lost all their morale already, they surrendered without a fight! Hurray! In your face, Austria!

Unfortunatelly Brandenburg was knocked out from the fight while I wasn't paying attention, and now Austria had some free forces in Northern Europe and they started bringing them back to defend the homeland. But luckily I managed to hold them off as well, and forced a kinda nice treaty on Austria:


And thus the War of Austrian Intervention ended with a victorious French intervention.

Seriously though, if you haven't voted on the ACA yet, then go now and do it! If you don't, then I can't take responsibility for the kittens that might have... How should I say... certain... accidents... Could you live with that? Could you?

And the person next to you? Has she/he voted already?


EDIT: Funny thing is, if there won't be any more votes today, then practically my vote will decide between a three-way tie and Svip's victory. But such is life

EDIT2: Guess what! Svip didn't win this round... Me neither. (Although this is not official yet!) A shame, really. Better luck next time, buddy!

EDIT3: Yes, he did, it was a miscalculation on my part Anyway, the joke still works then

"Focusing your investments into one or two fields of technology can give you an important edge." That's exactly why I'm whoring Universities, currently owning four of them, which gives about 2/5 of my entire Government investment. Nice! Although it will be maxi big expensive to build new manufacturies later on, but whatever. Let's worry about that when we get there! "Minting can be good for you." No, I don't think so. Moving on.

So, our war with Austria was a successful one. Time to bring the boy back home. England annexed the Teutonic Order, the World is going mad, we need our defences at the ready! I will also have to make Ferrara and Luxemburg leave the Empire. I still don't want to get into more trouble than I can handle because of them. With that done, I'll focus on gathering 3 Magistrates so I can support the Florentine School. That will lower my Infamy by 0.1 (among other things), which sounds pretty useful.

I got a "Trading in Cloth" modifier for having access to 33.7% of the World's Cloth supply. That could even be interesting if I ever used Mercenaries, which I don't.

I love random events.


Now, the only question is whether I want to anger Castille or not. Bah, who am I kidding? Of course I want! Of course I won't start a war over Navarra immediately. Having a Royal Marriage with and a Military Access through Spain would make things rather complicated, resulting in a -6 Stability hit... Their allies (Sweden, Byzantium, Scotland and Smolensk) are less than scary though. I'll revoke the Military Access at least. By the way, Castille currently has 1100.4 Income and 11% Inflation (with a National Bank!). Our techs are comparable although I'm ahead in more areas than they are. They have more soldiers on paper but I have minions! They are also already at war with Poland, Muscowy and the Ukraine.

Meanwhile, Leinster is getting close to uniting Ireland. Interesting. I hope they have some fun.

By the by, I still have a core in Burgundy. Then again, those are French lands, so I won't lose those any time soon.

Then rolls on 1484, with another advancement in Government technology, to level 12. Now I can build Spy Agencies. Not that I want to. I want to invest into Land Tech instead. It is now only one year ahead, so as we roll on to 1485, we might even level up immediately. That would be nice, because of those dandy little cannons! *drool* Oh yeah, and we can attempt another diplo-annexation. This time it will be Armagnac. Two more provinces to boot. Well, there goes my cannons within the year... No matter. They will be mine, soon!

It's also time to move my National Focus. I want to remove those minor cores from all over my country. To do that, I need my NF close by. So I'm moving it to Périgord, that looks like a nice place. Every neighbouring province has non-French cores except for one.

Guess what? By the time I gathered 3 Magistrates, the option to support the Florentine School disappeared. But I'm not someone who gives up that easily. I checked the files I will need to have at least 25% Prestige to get that. Now I have 12. Burgundy!

I have 26 Infamy and my limit is 38. Annexing Burgundy would generate 8. So far so good. I'm not sure how much Prestige I will get, but hopefully enough. They have Denmark as an ally but that's hardly a problem. Switzerland warned me, but that's not really a threat either. Brandenburg is the Emperor, but they... Wait just a minute! I checked the Ledger and guess what I saw:


Castille had it coming for a long time now. They still have Byzantium, Scotland and Smolensk as allies and also the newly re-formed Teutonic Order (of one province). The only problem is that I still have a Royal Marriage with them and I don't want to break that. You got away easy this time, Castille, but once that Marriage is over... You will get your share of trouble, don't you worry! So, Burgundy it is.


Denmark chickened out, but Brandenburg and Switzerland are game. That means we have little under 100,000 soldiers, while they have little over 50,000. Works for me! Switzerland took the lead on their side, which is good, because I can annex Burgundy without interference then go for Brandenburg, make them release a few minors, and then last but not least kick Switzerland in the Alps.

A few days in, Augsburg joined their side. Is that good or bad? Where's Augsburg???


Then Venice joined as well. Things are starting to get out of hand... But not quite yet. Now Bavaria is also against me? When did that happen? Anyway, I didn't even conquere anyone yet, and now I already have 23 Prestige. Great! After annexing Burgundy, my Prestige went up to 34, allowing me to start supporting those Florentines and Switzerland was even offering a White Peace, although that surely was sent before the annexation. I still have 6% of War Score though. Time to kick some more ass!

Brandenburg also wants a White Peace. I don't think so. After some minor ass kicking, the enemy has a total of about 20,000 Cavalry and 40,000 Infantry. We on the other hand have 26,000 Cavalry and 50,000 Infantry. Well... That was a bit better when we started this, wasn't it? Anyway, my losses are only casualties from still existing formations while theirs are lost Regiments! Also note that they had like three new countries joined since the last time I counted our numbers.

By the way, I would like to point out that in practically every battle of this war so far my generals were rolling 0s and 1s while the enemy always seems to roll 8 or 9. Yeah, right. Still, my professional armies carry the battle!


In December, 1485, I finally recieved my cores on Brittany. I was looking forward to those for a long time now! And in July, 1486, I reached level 12 in Land Technology! Come to me my little cannons!

So, with that war I'm at 93 Prestige and I had some peace at last. Until the August of 1487, that is, when my old king died and since his legitimate son, Louis de Ávalos is only 9 years old, I got a Regency. Not good, especially because Milan got its own king again. I have a Casus Belli against them but I can't use it with a Regency! Well, I guess I have to wait for my Infamy to go down anyway... And now Austria is caching in on my success against Branbenburg and Venice by taking over their provinces in Italy! Not good!

In January 1488, I reached Land Technology 13. (I'm currently spending my entire budget on Land Tech.) With this I got access to the Culverin (which is vastly superior to the earlier Large Cast Bronze Mortar) and the Reformed Galloglaigh Infantry (which is damn hard to spell). And now I'm ahead of Aachen in Land Tech by one level, and 2-3 levels ahead of most Europeans! It's such a shame to have such fine armies and not being able to use them...

Something strange must be going on. In November, 1488, I reached Land Technology 14. This gave no new advantages, but still. The historical years must be really close together here or I don't know...

Anyway, in December, 1490, England made the mistake of underestimating my Regency Council and attacked Tyrone, which is in my Sphere of Influence. If you are interested in how I will kick their ass, come back next time!

"A protracted war could get you in over your head. Other rivals could see this as an opportunity to strike." Well, they shouldn't strike, because then they won't get payed. "Ships in port deter pirates and blah blah blah." I couldn't write that one down. The second tip always goes away too quickly...

Anyway, we start this issue at war with England. I actually had to look back at the previous issue because I had no idea how I got into a war as a Regency Council. I was attacked! Can you imagine?! The nerves of those pesky English... Well, it wasn't me that was attacked, it was actually Tyrone (the nickname of Ulster), but they were in my Sphere of Influence, so that means I'm also at war. So, let's assess the situation, shall we?

My enemies are England, Scotland and Anhalt. Where's Anhalt anyway? Ah, there you are, in the middle of Germany. Man, there are sooo many minor states there! I almost wish Germany would unify so it would be easier to look through. Not quite, but almost. The total amount of enemy forces is around 43,000, with 30,000 of that being Infantry. The English also built up their Navy quite a bit since the last time I saw them, they have 26 Big Ships and 20 Transports. I'll have to bring my whole fleet of 31 Big Ships to take care of them! My buddies quickly came to my aid, bringing up our combined strength from Spectacularly Great to Immensely Awesome. They will be able to take care of Anhalt.


On to goals. I have several aims in this war.

1. I want to survive. I have a Regencay Council after all, that is supposed to be bad, isn't it?
2. I want Tyrone to survive as well. Revenge is sweet, but avoiding the need for revenge is somewhat better.
3. I want to gain Meath for Tyrone. Having a newly formed Ireland as my lacky would be nice.
4. I want to crush the English Navy. They have almost as many Big Ships as I do. That can't be good.
5. I want to... Now bare with me... Annex Scotland. The reason for this, is that they only have three provinces now, England took the other three in their last war. I want to take those three from England as well, then release Scotland as a whole, and as my vassal.

This last goal seems a bit too ambitious even to me, because I already have 28 Infamy and my limit is around 33. If I do any of those two, I will definitely go over the top. Six provinces in total would be 24 Infamy. That's a lot. So, it will only be worth it if releasing back those six provinces reduces my Infamy with at least as much. Of which I'm not sure at all. On the other hand, simply vassaling Scotland would already be 10 Infamy, so I'm not sure I have any better options to give me something but not go over the limit. So, whatever. If it reduces less, then we'll be in for a ride I guess

As expected, the 5,000 Cannons help immensely with sieges. With 10,000 Infantry and 5,000 Cannons, I assaulted and captured Kent in like 5 days! Now, on to London! They were much more resilient and reduced my Morale in the first try, while only suffering some 1,500 losses from their 2,000 men Garrison. But it was the 27th of April already, so in early May, they fell, too. 21 days of Siege overall. Meanwhile the English thought it would be a good idea to land in Malta. I still had 5,000 lads there though with a somewhat competent General. They sent 15,000 men along with their King...


They've won. 5,000 fine French soldiers dead, bringing only a mere 2,000 with them. Still, that means that half of the English Army is in Malta, and I'll make sure they can't get back into their Home Islands to do any actual damage! By the way, the other half is in Meath...


Then disaster struck:


So... That sucks. Now I'll have to rebuild those units from scratch. Not impossible, I can even afford it, but it will take time. They were also easy to beat with my other Armies, but... Just argh... I almost felt like reloading. Must! Resist! Cheating!

On November 1st, 1491, I reached Land Tech level 15. That means Small Cast Iron Cannons and Large Cast Iron Cannons! Also +0.05 Land Morale and Weapons Manufactory. I chose the Large Cast Iron Cannon because when it comes to Cannons the bigger the better! It's funny that the flavour text says that an example of this is a cannon made in 1453, while the tech enabling it has a historical year of 1502. I mean what the hell? And I'm still three techs away from getting guns to my Infantry... By the way, did you know that level 17 enables Regimental Camps, and level 19 also enables Regimental Camps? How convinient

Now back to that Weapons Manufactory thing. It would cost me 1235 gold to build a new Manufactory, since I already have like a ton of Universities. But it would give me +5 Land Investment, so it looks like a good idea. So, where should I put it? Well, apparently it should go into a province with either Iron or Bronze, because that would double it's efficiency in terms of gold production. Which is good. That leaves three suitable places: Périgorod, Bourbon and Auvergne. I decided Bourbon, because that's pretty much in the middle of my country, so it's well defended. Of course I don't have the necessary funds right now, but when I will, I'll certainly build one there.

My goal of keeping Tyrone alive didn't work. Not that it matters, I can make them be released when I beat the English! Unfortunatelly their Navy is already too strong for me, it seems. And they keep stealing my ships, too, the bastards... Building new ships is sooo expensive

And then I realized that Scotland is the lesser party in a Personal Union. That changes things a tiny little bit... I could still demand those three Scotish provinces from England, but then I could only sell them back to Scotland, which would hardly be worth the effort and Infamy, since that wouldn't reduce it. At the moment I have no hope of destroying the Royal Navy either. So, I'll be generous this time and make peace with them on the following terms:


Just after the war was over, my new King came of age and was crowned as Louis XII de Ávalos. That's still a pretty non-French dinasty, but whatever. The important thing is that he has a 9 in Military! That's pretty awesome, isn't it? And also 8 in Administration. His Diplomacy is crap (3), but who cares about Diplomacy when you have level 15 Land Tech?! Ah, yeah, Infamy. The Infamy Limit is still around 33 and I still have 27. Aaww...

In January 1493, I have about 1000 gold, so I'm not that far from starting that Weapons Manufactury. But now I can't really spend any money on anything for two years. I cut back on military spending, too. Then to make things potentially a bit more complicated, the new Pope Excommunicated my new buddy, Catalunya. That's not very nice! By the way, I still have that Casus Belli against Castille! Maybe I should do something about it! Again, the main problem is their Navy. It consists of 42 Big Ships plus 20 Transports. On the other hand, we have a common Land border, so that's not necessarely a problem. They also have a Regency Council and somewhat less forces than I do. Their allies, the Teutonic Order and Byzantium are one province minors, while Smolensk has a whopping two provinces. Alright, men! let's prepare for another war! The declaration of war was sent on November 24th, 1493.


Did I mention how much I hate the large dice size in this game? The Castillians always roll like 8-9 and I get 2-3. I win the battles, but they cost me dearly. Of course terrain and cutting off their retreating forces can help.


After a few months of fighting, the Castilian forces melted down to about 9,000 Infantry and 9,000 Cavalry scattered all around their colonial empire. Norway, Iceland, Tunisia, Lithuania. You know, the usual. Oh, yeah, and that already includes the Teutonic, Byzantian and Smolenskian forces as well! Anyway, Morocco thought it would be a good time to start a Jihad against Castille. And I don't blame them either. After all, Castille holds three of their cores.

In January, 1495, I finally started building that Weapons Manufactury in Bourbon. It will take five years, but it will be awesome when it's done! Also, with my new King, it costed me a lot less than I first thought! 8 Administration for the win!

The war with Castille went pretty well. Their Navy prevented me from taking over their "colonies", but I couldn't really do anything with them anyway, since they are not actual colonies, only annexed lands from other civilized people. The best I could do is liberate some of them. Five new lackeys, yeah! The 100 gold and the renounced cores are much less interesting. I didn't ask for Navarra on purpose. That core will be useful later on *evil smile*


And this is a wonderful opportunity to annex Alencon. To be honest, they were starting to get on my nerves. Every time I wage a war with some minor, they always demand that I give them all my money and end the vassalization of Alencon, or else they will make me beat them into a pulp.

Now, with Castille considerabely weakened, some of the others started to get their confidence back. Croatia and Lithuania declared war on them to reclaim their lost territories. Good luck, guys!

Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes. My current mission. Conquering Milan. I believe their current King is not really legitimate, we should restore our Personal Union. Problem is, they are allied with the Pope. I don't want to anger the Pope... I think I'll just bribe them for now.


Now, this is an interesting situation. I have a truce with England for another six months or so, but they attacked my Sphere of Influence again. If I join the war, will I recieve the -5 Stability loss? That would be just cruel! I clicked on Accept, and fortunatelly, that was not the case. And this time, the English didn't concentrate all their Navy into a single, huge fleet. I managed to sink 4 of their Big Ships within a week! Unfortunately the rest of their Navy was operating in two formations but together at all times. Thanks to their Superior Seamenship (must... resist...), a battle with comparable numbers would result in a decisive defeat for me. I need to outnumber them!

In September, 1497, I reached Land Tech level 16. That gave +0.25 Morale (with that, my Armies can have up to 5.22!) and I can build level 2 Forts. Not that I really want to... Anyway, having such high Land Tech didn't help against the Royal Navy: