The Apologia of Agrippa the Younger
The Apologia of Agrippa the younger
I never intended to write a history. No, I am the son of a merchant family and sought only to join my father in his business. Alas, the gods do not always let us choose our own path through this world.
When I set out from Syracuse in 530 A.U.C. (223 B.C.) and headed into the wilds of Europa it was not to tread in the foot-steps of Herodotus, no I and my associates sought the fabled Amber-fields of the North, where great frozen rivers of the stone lay out for all to see. I admit, I did wish to see the fabled lands where the eye cannot see for the great flows of feathers, but never did I plan to write my adventures down for posterity. And I certainly had no desire to learn more of the Barbarian’s customs and histories than was absolutely necessary. All I wanted was to improve the family business. Indeed, Hermes seemed to smile upon our venture, for we passed to the north at great pace, moving across the lands of the Barbarous Boii within months. We had many fine goods, such as steel, dyes, and butter which these horrid beings had much use for and which eased our passage through their lands.
Soon, we were well into the eastern lands of the vile Vandals, their ancestral homeland, and here it was my troubles began. Soothsayers and Oracles have since told me that my ancestors must have perpetrated a vile sacrilege against some god. They suspect Hermes himself, for there could be no other reason for my mission to tarry for almost forty years. At some point in our journey through Vandali we were accosted by large numbers of these horrific creatures, grinning through rotting teeth, they jostled us to the decrepit throne of their debauched chief. While my uncle, the leader of our expedition, was explaining the purpose of our travels to the moron, they seemed particularly excited to learn we were Greeks. We thought their excitement meant we had earned some advantage. Alas, this was not the case.
I, little expecting what was to come, began reading to pass the time. I brought along some of Plato’s works and Thucydides’ history of the Peloponnesian War and began to make notes in the margins as I grew absorbed in the work. While watching the grotesque chieftain of this nightmarish tribe of troglodytes smear our wares about his cheeks and hair, one of their shamans noticed me writing.
At first, they accused me of casting a curse on the chief, a misunderstanding which caused no end of mischief to my slaves, who were eaten as a result. In time, I was able to make clear to them that I was merely reading a history of our great heroes and their wars, something these illiterate beasts could never understand. Or at least, I thought they couldn’t.
Once the chief grasped that he could have the deeds of his people magically contained on this scroll (or rather, more importantly, his own deeds) and that, more over, this was something all the fashionable nations were doing, he ordered me clapped in chains at once. I feared they would dine upon me, as they had my slaves, but no, there was a worse fate in store. I would never be allowed to leave until I had written a comprehensive history of the Vandal Tribes from their foundation until the present day. A task I was less than excited to perform, but since they executed the rest of my companions and my uncle in very undignified ways, I felt compelled to try my best and hope, someday, to return to blessed Syracuse.
The First Part of the Work will deal with the customs, religion and organization, such as it is, of the Vandals, that you may understand what sort of creatures these are. Without this, the 'deeds' of their leaders will be incomprehensible. In the Second Part, I shall detail what the Law-Speakers remember of their past High-Chiefs, their deeds, their horrible crimes and their usually ignoble ends. Finally, the Third Part covers my years with these dispicable people and what villany I witnessed with my own eyes.
I do not claim to the wisdom, wit and adventurous spirit of Herodotus or Xenophon and I do not claim to the lofty subject matter of Thucydides or Plato. No, this is a book I had no wish to write about a people who deserve nothing more that utter contempt. I hope reading it will inspire some great general or Consul to honor the gods by wiping these walking blasphemies from the face of the Earth.
Agrippa the Younger, Syracuse