Agrippa should have talked some of those mercenaries into taking over the Vandals during his life. It would have been so easy!
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It stands to reason that most problems will quietly go away if you don't care about them. Yes.
I thought the Administrator's job would be pretty well fulfilled by all the civil wars anyway. 
Wow, administrators like that make Caligula's court look like a model of efficiency. Horse Consul included.
Aren't the Vandals Germanic people? Clearly they are lacking in the proper, Prussian, skill of chilling effectiveness. The fact that the Vandals can barely manage to hold on to their second province does not inspire confidence in their long-term survival. Of course, I must allow that not gaining any provinces beyond their starting realm puts off contact with any civilized nation for quite a while, so it might actually be the only logical survival strategy the Vandals could follow!
Why would anyone be a mercenary for the Vandals, unless they have no brains left to give away?
Maybe that effectiveness was something they picked up from locals in the Baltic. Clearly the proper Germanic (including English at this point) way of tackling a difficult administrative problem was to drink vast amounts of beer until a cunning plan emerged or everyone got into a big (messy) fight. Unfortunately, most of the cunning plans would have been ruled out by their wives in the morning:
"No dear, we can't sell all our livestock to pay for an invasion of Gaul. Now go and finish fixing the fence." *Threatening whack of wooden spoon on crudely made table*.
Of course, then he would have become the High-Chief...nightmarish thought!
And why wouldn't they! It makes daily life much less stressful.
I thought the Administrator's job would be pretty well fulfilled by all the civil wars anyway.
True...it largely is
Wow, administrators like that make Caligula's court look like a model of efficiency. Horse Consul included.
Aren't the Vandals Germanic people? Clearly they are lacking in the proper, Prussian, skill of chilling effectiveness. The fact that the Vandals can barely manage to hold on to their second province does not inspire confidence in their long-term survival. Of course, I must allow that not gaining any provinces beyond their starting realm puts off contact with any civilized nation for quite a while, so it might actually be the only logical survival strategy the Vandals could follow!
Of course, there is the added fact: conquering the Vandals: is it really worth the effort to have to rule over these people?
I suspect they come from the "Vandalic" cultured barbarian provinces. People the Vandals consider barbarians? God, those must be awful!
"Aww man!" *kicks the dirt before shuffling out the door, head down and hands in pockets*
very true
On The Laws And The Law-Speakers
On The Laws And the Law-Speakers
On The Vandal Approach to Law
The Vandals, as should not surprise anyone, follow few laws as recognized by the civilized world. Indeed, many animal societies, such as a wake of vultures or colony of rats, seem to possess a far more civilized grasp of Law and its uses. In part, this is because, lacking a written record, it is difficult for anyone outside their bizarre priesthood and their “Law-Speakers” to know what exactly is legal and what is not. It is also because this violent and deranged people cannot abide anything which might shackle their rights to kill and destroy anything they wish.
Settling Legal Disputes
Traditionally, it seems, these cretins simply followed the “Blood Feud” method of dispute settlement, wherein the injured party attempts to kill anyone related to, friends with, or slaves of, the injurer. The injurer, now an injured party, follows up by attempting to kill anyone related to, friends with, or slaves of, the new injurer. This process is repeated until one side runs out of potential victims. This method is still widely popular today and is used to solve any offenses, such as rape, murder and theft but also to decide inheritance cases, property ownership, and possession of government offices. However, Teutobod Marbodid introduced another aspect of Dispute Settlement: the Law-Speakers.
There was some concern amongst Vandal Traditionalists that the Blood-Feud would eventually be totally displaced and, perish the thought, even outlawed. Fortunately for all Vandal-hating peoples throughout the world, the weak-willed High-Chief Teutobod Dagaricid was bullied into enshrining the Blood-Feud as a Cornerstone of Vandal "Civilization," protecting it from the encroachment of the Law-Speakers.
Good for him.
The Law-Speakers
There are a class of men known as the Law-Speakers. They are not truly priests and have no special communion with the unseen world. What they are is a strange, idiotic, and therefore a wholly Vandal method of attempting “Civilization.”
It would seem that I am not the only Greek to survive his encounter with the Vandals. During the reign of Teutobod Marbodid, an absurdly common name, Teutobod developed a love of Greece and Greek Culture, so he actually forbade the Vandals from murdering Greek Merchants and eating their brains. The shamans and priests had insisted this was a great method of learning Greek methods of ship-building. For a land-locked people, this bizarre love of the sea is almost perverse. Indeed, many of their songs and poems sing of the beauty of the sea and glorify life on the oceans, despite the fact that no Vandal, as far as I know, has ever even seen an actual boat, besides their crude and ineffective canoes, and the number who have seen the Ocean could be counted on one hand.
This High-Chief, having fallen in love with Greek Civilization, decided that the Vandals should have an orderly and organized code of laws just like the Greeks do, so he charged two minor families of Freemen to surrender their farms and spend their days with these captive Greeks, learning their law-codes, committing them to memory and, whenever a dispute arose, settling it immediately with their knowledge of these laws.
Eventually, this Teutobod was murdered, and these two families of Law-Speakers were having trouble remembering the entire code, so they took the advice of the priests and ate the brains of the Greeks in hopes the law-code would then pass into their heads. It did not work, of course, but rather than admit their fault, the Law-Speakers pretend to have a mastery of Greek-Law and fearlessly enter into any dispute with their partial knowledge imperfectly passed on to succeeding generations.
Law-Speakers in Action
An example of a Law-Speaker in action, shows quite readily the pointlessness of this revered institution. A slave, by name of Andica, wed a freewoman and by her had several children. It came to pass that Andica and the freewoman had a falling out, so she sold him to a citizen. The citizen then claimed the children because, as they were the children of his slave, they must be his property as well. He sent several armed supporters to claim the children, who were beaten off by the armed brothers of the free-woman. As the citizen led an attack on the freewoman’s farm, a Law-Speaker happened to be riding by. Boldly galloping between the two sides, he bade them halt so he could investigate the matter. The citizen pressed his claim for ownership of the children based on the father’s servitude while the freewoman claimed them because they came from her free womb.
The Law-Speaker, having heard both sides thought for a long time. Occasionally you could read his lips as he tried to remember a phrase. He said it to himself differently each time. Slowly he spoke, after what seemed to be hours. “I know that if a freeman has children with a slave, the children are slaves. I also know that if a freewoman and a slave have children and the freewoman dies, the children are considered the fathers, and therefore slaves…but if the woman lives.” His voice trailed off while he thought.
Then the vile creature sprung his horse into action, riding down and killing the freewoman. “This woman has died, thus the law makes these children their father’s and therefore slaves.”
Satisfied, he rode off.
In another instance, two slave-women brought a newborn child before a Law-Speaker. Both claimed the child as their own. Thusenelda claimed she had birthed the child and that Veleda just wanted to claim the child out of jealously. Veleda claimed the opposite. Quite a lot was at stake here for these two women. According to Vandal tradition, the mother gets to keep half of the master's profits from any slave child sold on the open market.
The Law-Speaker fiddled with his fingers, drank mead and talked with his friends while the two women laid out their cases, pled for the child, called forth witnesses and otherwise wasted their time in hopes of getting real justice. Once they had exhausted themselves, the Law-Speaker leaned forward in his seat. Pondered for a moment and then drew his sword.
"The answer is simple," he declared, "you both claim the child, so I shall slice him in two. You each get half. You can dice over who gets the part with a head."
At this, Veleda smiled cooly. "As you wish, Law-Speaker."
Thusenelda turned ashen. Panic was visible in her eyes and she threw herself at the Law-Speaker's feet. "Please, Law-Speaker, give the child to Veleda. It is hers, just do not harm him!"
Ignoring her pleas, the Law-Speaker cut the child in two, shouting at the top of his lungs, "The Law-Speaker has spoken!"
Then he sentanced Thusenelda to 50 lashes and a lifetime in prison for lying to a Law-Speaker and bringing false charges against a fellow slave.
Veleda got the head in the dice match.
I suspect Law-Speakers are considered outside the bounds of the Blood-Feud, for if they were not, they would be long since extinct.
On The Laws And the Law-Speakers
On The Vandal Approach to Law
The Vandals, as should not surprise anyone, follow few laws as recognized by the civilized world. Indeed, many animal societies, such as a wake of vultures or colony of rats, seem to possess a far more civilized grasp of Law and its uses. In part, this is because, lacking a written record, it is difficult for anyone outside their bizarre priesthood and their “Law-Speakers” to know what exactly is legal and what is not. It is also because this violent and deranged people cannot abide anything which might shackle their rights to kill and destroy anything they wish.
Settling Legal Disputes
Traditionally, it seems, these cretins simply followed the “Blood Feud” method of dispute settlement, wherein the injured party attempts to kill anyone related to, friends with, or slaves of, the injurer. The injurer, now an injured party, follows up by attempting to kill anyone related to, friends with, or slaves of, the new injurer. This process is repeated until one side runs out of potential victims. This method is still widely popular today and is used to solve any offenses, such as rape, murder and theft but also to decide inheritance cases, property ownership, and possession of government offices. However, Teutobod Marbodid introduced another aspect of Dispute Settlement: the Law-Speakers.
There was some concern amongst Vandal Traditionalists that the Blood-Feud would eventually be totally displaced and, perish the thought, even outlawed. Fortunately for all Vandal-hating peoples throughout the world, the weak-willed High-Chief Teutobod Dagaricid was bullied into enshrining the Blood-Feud as a Cornerstone of Vandal "Civilization," protecting it from the encroachment of the Law-Speakers.
Good for him.
The Law-Speakers
There are a class of men known as the Law-Speakers. They are not truly priests and have no special communion with the unseen world. What they are is a strange, idiotic, and therefore a wholly Vandal method of attempting “Civilization.”
It would seem that I am not the only Greek to survive his encounter with the Vandals. During the reign of Teutobod Marbodid, an absurdly common name, Teutobod developed a love of Greece and Greek Culture, so he actually forbade the Vandals from murdering Greek Merchants and eating their brains. The shamans and priests had insisted this was a great method of learning Greek methods of ship-building. For a land-locked people, this bizarre love of the sea is almost perverse. Indeed, many of their songs and poems sing of the beauty of the sea and glorify life on the oceans, despite the fact that no Vandal, as far as I know, has ever even seen an actual boat, besides their crude and ineffective canoes, and the number who have seen the Ocean could be counted on one hand.
This High-Chief, having fallen in love with Greek Civilization, decided that the Vandals should have an orderly and organized code of laws just like the Greeks do, so he charged two minor families of Freemen to surrender their farms and spend their days with these captive Greeks, learning their law-codes, committing them to memory and, whenever a dispute arose, settling it immediately with their knowledge of these laws.
Eventually, this Teutobod was murdered, and these two families of Law-Speakers were having trouble remembering the entire code, so they took the advice of the priests and ate the brains of the Greeks in hopes the law-code would then pass into their heads. It did not work, of course, but rather than admit their fault, the Law-Speakers pretend to have a mastery of Greek-Law and fearlessly enter into any dispute with their partial knowledge imperfectly passed on to succeeding generations.
Law-Speakers in Action
An example of a Law-Speaker in action, shows quite readily the pointlessness of this revered institution. A slave, by name of Andica, wed a freewoman and by her had several children. It came to pass that Andica and the freewoman had a falling out, so she sold him to a citizen. The citizen then claimed the children because, as they were the children of his slave, they must be his property as well. He sent several armed supporters to claim the children, who were beaten off by the armed brothers of the free-woman. As the citizen led an attack on the freewoman’s farm, a Law-Speaker happened to be riding by. Boldly galloping between the two sides, he bade them halt so he could investigate the matter. The citizen pressed his claim for ownership of the children based on the father’s servitude while the freewoman claimed them because they came from her free womb.
The Law-Speaker, having heard both sides thought for a long time. Occasionally you could read his lips as he tried to remember a phrase. He said it to himself differently each time. Slowly he spoke, after what seemed to be hours. “I know that if a freeman has children with a slave, the children are slaves. I also know that if a freewoman and a slave have children and the freewoman dies, the children are considered the fathers, and therefore slaves…but if the woman lives.” His voice trailed off while he thought.
Then the vile creature sprung his horse into action, riding down and killing the freewoman. “This woman has died, thus the law makes these children their father’s and therefore slaves.”
Satisfied, he rode off.
In another instance, two slave-women brought a newborn child before a Law-Speaker. Both claimed the child as their own. Thusenelda claimed she had birthed the child and that Veleda just wanted to claim the child out of jealously. Veleda claimed the opposite. Quite a lot was at stake here for these two women. According to Vandal tradition, the mother gets to keep half of the master's profits from any slave child sold on the open market.
The Law-Speaker fiddled with his fingers, drank mead and talked with his friends while the two women laid out their cases, pled for the child, called forth witnesses and otherwise wasted their time in hopes of getting real justice. Once they had exhausted themselves, the Law-Speaker leaned forward in his seat. Pondered for a moment and then drew his sword.
"The answer is simple," he declared, "you both claim the child, so I shall slice him in two. You each get half. You can dice over who gets the part with a head."
At this, Veleda smiled cooly. "As you wish, Law-Speaker."
Thusenelda turned ashen. Panic was visible in her eyes and she threw herself at the Law-Speaker's feet. "Please, Law-Speaker, give the child to Veleda. It is hers, just do not harm him!"
Ignoring her pleas, the Law-Speaker cut the child in two, shouting at the top of his lungs, "The Law-Speaker has spoken!"
Then he sentanced Thusenelda to 50 lashes and a lifetime in prison for lying to a Law-Speaker and bringing false charges against a fellow slave.
Veleda got the head in the dice match.
I suspect Law-Speakers are considered outside the bounds of the Blood-Feud, for if they were not, they would be long since extinct.
makes perfect sense, when the law doesn't quite fit the circumstances, make the circumstances fit the law
However, going back to these mercenaries, viz:
since
is also true, then just who on earth (probably literally) are these people. I think we need a special update on such matters ... please
They love the sea, for they came from here. http://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vanda
And went away, thanks to the sea.
And went away, thanks to the sea.
The old 'one strike and you're out' rule, eh? At least the Vandals don't have problems with prison overcrowding. Also, the victims of the lawspeakers seem to be fewer than the victims of blood-feuds, so it is progress - of a sort!
One wonders what the owner of Thusenelda thought when he was deprived of her services in perpetuity.
I smell a blood feud coming on!
Suscribed.
These law-speakers seems like the fathers of my country's judicial system.
These law-speakers seems like the fathers of my country's judicial system.
mine too
I'm left speechless by the lawless law speakers
I know! They're uncanny wisdom takes my breath away as well!
and Barney Fife, all rolled into 1!
That's called "Tuesday" in Vandalia
Baby steps, right?
The Gordian Knot wouldn't have troubled a Lawspeaker, that is for sure.
King Salomon turns in his grave...
They love the sea, for they came from here. http://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vanda
And went away, thanks to the sea.
Lucky for Finland...
makes perfect sense, when the law doesn't quite fit the circumstances, make the circumstances fit the law
However, going back to these mercenaries, viz:
since
is also true, then just who on earth (probably literally) are these people. I think we need a special update on such matters ... please
They are from the Vandal "Micro-Tribes"...small groups living around the edges of Vandalia whom the Vandals call Barbarians (they smear themselves with Margarine rather than real butter....Barbaric!)
Glossy Insert Page 1 (to attact the casual book-browser)
The First Vandal Empire covered the conquest of Suebi, which really transformed this particular group of Vandals form just a particularly large micro-tribe into ‘The’ Vamdals. This period also saw the Vandals first extracting regular tribute from weaker states as a means to supplement their over-sized army. The over-extension and collapse of this first Vandal Empire was a result of the personal failings of “Mad” Nithard, the High-Chief, rather than a failure of the Vandal system.
The Second Vandal Empire saw the principles of Tribute Extraction extended far beyond the borders of Germania, which preceded a second wave of direct-control conquests. This second Empire, once again, was not toppled by a failure of the tribute system. In fact, the Vandal Empire, even after losing the Semnoni and Ligurian tributes were able to field upwards of 18,000 soldiers at the start of the Roman War.
Rather, it was simply Roman superiority at arms and a general misunderstanding of the Roman concept of “Diplomatic Immunity” which caused the second fall of the Vandals.
----------------------------------------------------
Alas, Nithard “the Mad” Marbodid’s Magnum Opus Teutobod Dagaricid, High-Whore, Attempts to Beguile Another Lover in Exchange for a Goat has not survived the millenia. But, in this surviving work, believed to be his last, Dagaric Amandid Is A Baby-Stomping Monster And That is Why I Castrated Him the detail and skill the mad-man brought to sculpture is plainly visible.
This 19th Century painting by Samuel Palmer, titled Vandals Deciding on Lunch, is a fairly accurate depiction of Vandal temperament and also of their traditional weaponry.
The First Vandal Empire covered the conquest of Suebi, which really transformed this particular group of Vandals form just a particularly large micro-tribe into ‘The’ Vamdals. This period also saw the Vandals first extracting regular tribute from weaker states as a means to supplement their over-sized army. The over-extension and collapse of this first Vandal Empire was a result of the personal failings of “Mad” Nithard, the High-Chief, rather than a failure of the Vandal system.
The Second Vandal Empire saw the principles of Tribute Extraction extended far beyond the borders of Germania, which preceded a second wave of direct-control conquests. This second Empire, once again, was not toppled by a failure of the tribute system. In fact, the Vandal Empire, even after losing the Semnoni and Ligurian tributes were able to field upwards of 18,000 soldiers at the start of the Roman War.
Rather, it was simply Roman superiority at arms and a general misunderstanding of the Roman concept of “Diplomatic Immunity” which caused the second fall of the Vandals.
----------------------------------------------------
Alas, Nithard “the Mad” Marbodid’s Magnum Opus Teutobod Dagaricid, High-Whore, Attempts to Beguile Another Lover in Exchange for a Goat has not survived the millenia. But, in this surviving work, believed to be his last, Dagaric Amandid Is A Baby-Stomping Monster And That is Why I Castrated Him the detail and skill the mad-man brought to sculpture is plainly visible.
This 19th Century painting by Samuel Palmer, titled Vandals Deciding on Lunch, is a fairly accurate depiction of Vandal temperament and also of their traditional weaponry.