My fellow catholics! I am most dismayed at the sight I have set my eyes just this morning for the I-don't-know-how-many'th time in a row: a barely filled church! Be advised not attending church on sunday mornings will have you end up in hell. Now we wouldn't want that would we? I was told my predecessor had quite the active community going here, and frankly I have no idea who- or what, is responsible for this embarrassingly low church attendance. *pulls a flacon from a pocket and takes 2 large swigs* damn I like that milky taste..
Now I do understand some of you might be somewhat tired by certain bestial activititties they might have engaged themselves in during the night, but that is no excuse - at all! - to skip this most important sunday morning duty. I have faith in all of you, and know that if you seek deep within yourselves and look around you will find the path to church (right across the street from the bar). Now go forth and multiply-eth! Except on saturday evenings, for on sunday mornings you will awake to other duties.