Deshtined to Fail - A Khandesh HttT AAR

Thank you hugely for the replies!

dinofs - Thank you, yes she is! Sadly though both Vijaynagar to the south and Delhi to the north are worryingly large nations, I simply hope I get a chance to best them soon before they become too strong.

RGB - What?! This format is completely unique and original! And-uhm...oh thats right, I stated on the first post I was ripping everyone off. Curses, I cannot claim it for myself!

Thank you for the kind words (your bribe is, but of course, en route!). I do indeed need to keep him busy, he's too shifty to be left to his own devices!

loki100 - How very true!

Donfodio - Khandesh has it all but for things such as deep fried Mars bars, kilts, an alcohol problem and a CS! Truly she is missing out!

BootOnFace - A great many thanks for the kind words (your bribe is in the post!). I usually send the penny bribe in cash form, but if you wish for a cheque, a cheque it shall be! Cheques are easier to forge anyw-uhm...disregard that.

Range - Indeed it can be!

blsteen - Thank you. Indeed, the Khandesh diplomatic corps certainly has a way with words!

Keinwyn - Thankfully he does have the tact for such delicate negotiations;

PRANJAL Master, why did you call the prospective bride of the Crown Prince a, 'disgustingly ugly hippo who should be horrendously grateful to have the chance to marry into the august Faruqi dynasty'?

aldriq - Thankfully things went quite well! Apart from the many men Utkarsh wounded...

Nodscouterr - Thank you for the kind words (your bribe is on its way to you!). I am glad you like the concept, but I am sure you can already guess how I will copy these AARs; with pathetically poor attempts at emulating the AARs themselves!

Scene IV​

In the Khandesh army camp, located outside of Nagpur; doctor Manish Shahane is in conversation with his fellow doctor Rujul Jaykar.

MANISH Look, I'm just saying you manage to successfully treat more patients due to your being assigned to the batallion with that young Utkarsh in it. The man causes so many casualties, it is beyond belief.
RUJUL Yes, yes he causes many casualties, but at least I have the ability to treat them. You need to modernise man, your current techniques belong in the dark ages.
MANISH There is nothing wrong with traditional cures. Herbs, tree bark, some pieces of stone, its the only way to cure patients.
RUJUL Kill them you mean...

Rujul readies some bandages.

Recruiting a mere 1,000 more men completed the 'Protect against Gondwana' mission. The next mission is to 'Conquer Konkan', which will hopefully prove to be another useful casus belli against Deccan sometime in the future. As it is, now that I have an army larger than Gondwana's, war is promptly declared. Thankfully none of Gondwana's allies share a land border with me, although Vijaynagar has got some transport ships. Hopefully they will not prove a bother.

Leaving 1,000 of my troops in Nagpur, I've managed to draw Gondwana on to the attack, with my remaining 3,000 soldiers destined to arrive in Nagpur on the same day as Gondwana's army. Hopefully fighting on the defensive will grant me an easy victory.​

MANISH So many casualties, thank goodness most are Gondwanan. Orderly, make that man swallow some more mud and then apply more cobwebs to his wounds, he looks disctinctly peaky. Oh, and ready my bonesaw.
RUJUL Tsk, tsk I am curing far more patients than you, and no wonder. You are dressed more like a butcher than a physician.
MANISH Stop bothering me man, this is no competition, we are attempting to save lives, not keep tally of our accomplishments.
RUJUL You are right, of course, how remiss of me. I did come to consult with you anyway. That young chap I was caring for earlier today sadly passed away, what would you have done in my place?
MANISH Passed away you say...? Aha! I am now ahead with my recovery rates! Bwahahaha, my techniques should be returned to the dark ages, eh?!
RUJUL ...
MANISH Uh...I mean...not that this is a competition or anything.

Rujul leaves to clean his surgical implements.

Alas, only a slight victory despite the small size of Gondwana's army. Thankfully after a few months of ping-pong combat the force is finally crushed, and sieges now cover Gondwana.​

MANISH This siege warfare is very tiresome. The amount of arrows I'd had to remove from our soldiers...
RUJUL I know, casualties have been rather bad.
MANISH ...and some of the places those arrows ended up. Why would you even point your backsi-
RUJUL Enough Manish. I don't need you reminding me where some of those arrows ended up.

Rujul prepares some medicine.

Having finally occupied all of Gondwana's provinces, peace is thrashed out. The gains are small, but useful nonetheless. During the intervening years, Deccan gauranteed me, and Gujarat offered another alliance, the disloyal curs having failed to honour their earlier alliance, which I accepted. With Gondwana now dealt with, and the very useful conquest cassus beli available against Deccan due to the current mission, I am simply waiting for the truce with Deccan to end.​

MANISH What the devil happened to these poor men?!
RUJUL ah, good timing Manish, give me a hand here. Apparently Utkarsh was being given pole-arms training, and he accidentally impaled three of his fellow squad members with his pike. Just hold this in place for a second please.
MANISH It really is not fair you being assigned to his batallion, it utterly distorts the recovery rates.
RUJUL Well its certainly not fair on the poor soldiers in my batallion. Now hold still you three, this will...sting. There we go. Some bandages and you'll be as good as new in no time. I rather think that aided my recovery tally, eh?
MANISH That still only counts as one!

Feeling slightly vexed, Manish drinks some 'medicine'.

Deccan remains a large and reasonably powerful nation with 8,000 men under arms. However since the last war they have been hammered by constant revolts in the provinces they gained from the annexed Orissa. At present, the Deccan army is too busy putting down said revolts to even defend against a large invading Vijaynagar force. Next year my truce with Deccan ends, and I simply hope Vijaynagar do not gain too much of Deccan's lands. With Deccan struggling so much, I want her lands for myself.​

Thank you hugely for the replies!

dinofs - As sprites and naggy have kindly pointed out, to have taken the extra province would have sadly cost the full 8 infamy for annexation. I too thought that it would be a mere 2 infamy using the Holy War cassus beli when annexing a nation. Indeed I thought I was suffering from a bug when the game stated annexation would cost 8 infamy. A quick PM to the EU3 guru himself, the great naggy, set me right, as unfortunately the 25% cost modifier using the Holy War cassus beli only counts towards individual provinces, not annexation itself.

Oh and congratulations on the deserved fan of the week award!

RGB - Very much agreed, my gallows humour is as non-existant as all other types alas!

blsteen - Nice for Khandesh, not for the poor tourists!

Threedog43 - Many thanks, you too need see a doctor if you truly think this funny!

Keinwyn - I too am shocked that anyone would question the clearly wise rule of the great Nasir Khan. Anyone who employs men such as Sandesh Damle and has the clearly skilled Minister Taral in their government is clearly a great leader.

ZombieSlayer - I sincerely hope I do as well as the AI in your game!

sjones25 - Very glad to have you onboard!

sprites - Exactly so! Ever since reading Rizulica's excellent AAR, and noting how much trouble he had with the 'Widespread Opposition' event having gone over the infamy limit with the newest patch, I've been keeping a very close eye on my own infamy in subesquent games!

lordkestrel - In my earlier trial games with Khandesh things went badly indeed. It seems very much down to luck how things go at the start, as I have been quickly annexed by both Delhi and Deccan during the trial runs. Thankfully my opportunistic shenanigans seems to be working this time around! Although both Vijaynagar and Delhi remain worryingly large forces.

naggy - Many thanks once again for aiding me on this issue as well!

Range - Thank you. Yes, that seems a cracking idea. Have Utkarsh 'desert' to the enemy side each and everytime Khandesh goes to war, leave him there for a few weeks and Khandesh will be able to romp to victory against enemy armies left half-dead by Utkarsh's 'friendly-stab' casualties!

gabor - Thank you profusely for the kind words (your bribe is, but of course, on way to you!).

loki100 - Many thanks for the kind words (yet another bribe is en route!). Don't tell me you have never had pieces of stone shoved down your gullet when being 'cured'?!

Iain Wilson - Thank you for the kind words (your bribe is on the way!). Yes, I was babbling about this some months ago, its taken a wee while due to my huge laziness and the world cup!

aldriq - Indeed! I am simply hoping that incompetence can grant victory once more, in a way reminiscent of my implausible success with the horribly inept Scotland!

Keinwyn - They are eminently competent! Everyone need have roots and bark shoved into their various orifices when ill, its the only way to become cured! Or so my doctor keeps telling me...

Scene V​

Outside the barracks at Asirgarh, Khandesh; Sergeant Wagh is addressing the men in his company following a speech by the battalion's colonel.

PRAVEER You heard the colonel lads, we'll be giving those Deccan scum another thrashing. Just follow my orders, you all know to ignore the officers by now. Useless gentry and it shows. Now we-
UTKARSH Do I get to come along sarge?
PRAVEER After impaling three of your mates on a pike, what do you think?
UTKARSH But it was my first time using a polearm sarge!
PRAVEER Well it is not the first time you've had to clean out the latrines, get on with your punishment.

Utkarsh scrubs away.

Rather than being horrifically scared of declaring war on Deccan, as I was last time, I'm rather more worried that Vijaynagar will finish them off too quickly. Deccan still has 8,000 men under arms, but she is clearly struggling. However before I can attempt to take anymore of her land, I'll have to deal with Gujarat and Sind. For some reason, I'd rather not have Sind sack Khandesh once again.​

PRAVEER Alright lads, keep on your toes. We've set an ambush for the Gujarati army, we're expecting them anytime soon.
UTKARSH Thanks for bringing me along sarge! We'll slaughter them.
PRAVEER I hardly had a choice, we need everyone we can get. You've wounded so many in the company that we're nearly down to half-strength. Just remember you have to use that special equipment now.
UTKARSH Yes sarge. Don't worry, I've got my wooden sword. There are quite a lot of them in the stores, apparently due to a large order made by Minister Taral.
PRAVEER Good lad, you won't be cutting off any ears in this company with that. Now clean yourself, your uniform is a disgrace. Go on, scrub that muck off.

Utkarsh scrubs away.

Utilising the usual strategy, Gujarat's heavily outnumbered army is easily bested. Alas it takes a few months of ping-pong battles before the force is finally crushed. Just over a month after the battle, Vijaynagar secures peace with Deccan. I'm quite thankful Vijaynagar did not exact a more punishing peace with Deccan, as I want her land for myself. Sadly Vijaynagar did not fight the 8,000 strong Deccan army during their war, as Deccan's forces remained up north besieging the rebel occupied provinces. Thus Deccan's army is unharmed, and no doubt ready to exact vengeance upon Khandesh.​

PRAVEER Keep it up lads, they are breaking! That's it, get after them, those Sind boys have had enough, chase them down! Wait...Utkarsh, what's going on? What's that all over your uniform?
UTKARSH Uh...its blood sarge, I've been getting stuck in as you said.
PRAVEER Good lad, good lad. It'll stain though. Go on, clean it off.

Utkarsh scrubs away.

Sind attacked with a paltry 2,000 strong force, which was easily defeated. Whilst beginning a chase of the broken Sind force, I noticed something very odd. In a move which continues to baffles me, Deccan split her 8,000 strong force and sent the cavalry alone into Nagpur. This incompetent display leads me to believe Deccan may have hired a Scottish general. Regardless a tricky battle with Deccan is now appearing much easier...​

UTKARSH Congratulations sarge! Uh...I mean lieutenant! No wonder you were given a battlefield commission, you gave those poor Bengali boys a right doing. It was just after I was finally given a steel weapon, and then instantly lopped off poor Gunjan's toes. I'm sure he'll live.
PRAVEER Aye, thank you-
UTKRASH I've never seen someone look so infuriated after I did that.
PRAVEER Alright, alrig-
UTKARSH Especially as you've been demanding I never get near a metal weapon ever again.
PRAVEER Yes, oka-
UTKARSH Oh by the way sarge-uh, sorry, sir, you should really clean that blood off your sword. It'll rust otherwise.

Praveer scrubs away.

Not only are Deccan seemingly led by a shockingly inept general, they also seem to have hired some horribly incompetent bankers (lending further credence to my guess that it is Scotsmen in charge), as the morale of their troops was very low when attacked. Both of their small units were destroyed in no time whatsoever. I can only surmise that Vijaynagar's recent war has left Deccan bankrupt, leaving them with no option but to keep their army maintenance low.

Bengal was then the last nation able to field a sizeable army. Thankfully they too were easily dispatched, having just assaulted Indravati, I attacked whilst their morale was still low following the failed assault, which allowed for an easy victory. Although it did, of course, require a ridiculous amount of ping-pong combat before their army was finally crushed. With no wish for any land from Bengal at this time, I secured a white peace with them.

With most of the enemy forces now crushed, it is now time to enjoy some thrilling siege warfare.​