Deshtined to Fail - A Khandesh HttT AAR

[Range]

I think its time for a song.

Clears throat...chorus ready...me-me-me-me.

LOng live his story...long his glory...long live his...wait a minute that song belongs to someone else. I'll work on a song and get back to you...come on guys.

Footsteps leave...a large door closes causing echoes which slowly die...silence follows...

Great Job...perfectly laid out...and, fun. Now, aren't you glad you continued. But, you've got to be exhausted.

Did anyone try changing the dimensions of the sinkables...or, tried using cement instead.

[morningSIDEr]

Thank you profusely for the replies!

dinofs - How very true. One can only hope Nasir has Miran's brilliant diplomatic ability; the ability to win friends, via forcing them into vassalage, and make enemies out of anyone!

Boris ze Spider - Truly all Khandeshi citizens mourn the loss of the great Miran. What seems like wild celebrations and street parties throughout the nation as news of his passing spreads, is actually mourning. It is simply hoped Nasir will prove half as competent as Miran.

blsteen - He does seem worryingly competent. Thankfully he is still a Faruqi and still 'aided' by the typical Khandeshi cabinet.

loki100 - It is still unknown whether or not Nasir truly is Miran's son. However if he manages to prove a stupendously gifted ruler I think we will all then know that he is definetly no true Faruqi. Uh, I mean we will all then know he definetly is a true Faruqi.

Great suggestion for Miran's title!

Chocobo115 - All very good, especially the last. The only way to truly honour Miran would be to give him an honourific encapsulating his greatness in all fields and clearly the very word 'Miran' achieves this.

Athalcor - I like the sound of the Khandeshi Mirandom! Who needs mere kingdoms or empires when one has a mirandom?

History_Buff - It is possible. After all it is yet unknown whether or not Nasir is truly Miran's son. Perhaps, just perhaps Khandesh has a brilliantly competent ruler for once.

Hmm. No, I don't think so either.

Athalcor - I agree! To the mole enclosure with you History_Buff!

InnocentIII - Many thanks for the kind words (your bribe is in the post!).

JDMS - Are you attempting to infer that the Khandeshi people will not be saddened by the loss of such a colossus?!

Iain Wilson - Thank you for allowing me to shamelessly rip-off your great AAR! I'm very much liking your suggested title for Miran, a fitting honourific for the great ruler, showing his wish to always aid a fellow family member.

aldriq - All I can say in response to that is; bravo. Fantastic stuff (oh and please, please update Mamma Mia! sometime soon! my withdrawal symptoms are so bad it has got to the point that I am considering buying some Abba albums...)!

gabor - He was indeed a defender of orphans and widows as well as also caring for poor small furry creatures with no homes, fellow members of the Faruqi family and, of course, he kindly cared for all stressed rulers with too much land on their hands, he was always happy to lessen their burden. Truly Miran was a model ruler.

I cannot agree more with your suggested title, it sums up his giving spirit!

Murmurandus - Alas, you are toetally correct.

Eams - I like the sound of that! Not that Khandesh is ruler by a tyrant of course, or rather a miyrant.

It is surprising how often Khandesh prospers when no Faruqi is available to rule directly. Almost a telling coincidence or something.

Range - I appreciate your attempt at song! Thank you too for the kind words (your bribe is en route, but of course!).

The name for this AAR seems to be rather apt, it has taken me rather longer to return to updating this than I had hoped (although I'm sure everyone would prefer it if my absence from posting continued for a good while longer yet!). Anyway I finally got around to playing EU3 once again and apologies to everyone in AARland but the updates shall commence once more!

[morningSIDEr]

Miran was in shock. Dying due to gangrene had been rather unpleasant, to put it mildly, but to have it confirmed that Miran Adil Khan I, his inept predecessor, truly was his father was far worse an experience.

"Are you quite sure we are blood relations? Are you perhaps a cousin, uncle or something? Please tell me I am adopted!"

What? Don't be ridiculous. I'm quite sure you are my son.

"'Quite sure', so it could be the case that someone else is my father?"

Death stood a short distance from the quarelling spirits entirely unnoticed. Coughing politely he attempted to draw their attention, EXCUSE ME-

Possibly, possibly. Look, you know how it is when Sultan, so many women, you rather lose track.

"Uh, yes. Hah, so many women."

I'm relatively sure that you are my son though. We have the same name for one thing. That has to count for something.

Still entirely unheeded, Death once again attempted to attract their attention, I SAY-

"What? You picked my name! What does that prove?!"

Yes, I named you after myself because you are my son. Probably.

"..."

Come on now, we both look alike. We both have the stout Faruqi physique of a warrior, the rugged good looks which melt the hearts of all ladies. I assure you, you are my son. Possibly.

Death studied the two spirits, taking in the spectral yet still distinguishable plump figures, the balding pates and the many chins of both. I DO NOT MEAN TO INTRUDE BUT I AM RATHER BUSY SO-

"There is that. Well...I suppose I probably am indeed your son."

Don't look so despressed, come on now. So, tell me, am I a grandfather?

"Uh...well, possibly."

Possibly?

IF YOU COULD BOTH JUST-

"Well as you said there were a lot of women whilst I was Sultan. Or so I was told."

So you were told...?

"Yes. My virility seems quite unmatched, I was impregnating women from hundreds of miles away all the time."

Hundreds of miles away...?

I DO HAVE OTHER MATTERS TO ATTEND TO-

"Indeed. That is the darndest thing, I kept on being told I had sired another child yet I don't remember having ever met any of the women."

You never met any of the women...? Look, son, did you meet any women at all?

"Oh, of course. I've met thousands of women."

Good, good. And you met them intimately?

"I...uh, I don't quite follow."

PLEASE GENTLEMEN, THIS WILL NOT TAKE LONG-

I mean did you meet them. Or did you meet them. In private, in your bedroom?

"Uhm...no, not really. I usually met women whilst out and about, not many go into my bedroom. Well, there is the maid..."

Are you telling me you have never *cough* with a woman before?!

"I, uh, I'm not sure. What exactly does *cough* mean?"

Please tell me you have done it at least once. You have a son right, you spent a night with the mother?

"Possibly. I don't quite remember. To be honest I was out on campaign for a year and returned to be told that I had a son, newly born."

I CAN SEE THIS IS RATHER IMPORTANT BUT-

Ah. I see the reputation you have as a bastion of manliness is slightly misleading.

"What?"

Look son, I can see you still have questions which need to be answered. Questions with regards to the fairer sex and more importantly whether or not your...'son', truly is of your blood. I think it would be best if you stay here for a while, do a bit of haunting, see the world.

"Oh. Are you sure?"

Definetly. As for me, I think my work is done. You now know I am your father, there is nothing left for me here.

Miran the elder began looking around, finally spotting Death, who by this time had long since given up attempting to gain the attention of the two.

Pleasure to see you again!

TRULY?

Well, no. Look, I think my time is nigh. Again. I've put off my 'special' poker fate for long enough, I am finally ready to face my judgement.

YOU WILL NOT RUN OFF THIS TIME?

No, no. I shall face this matter with my customary bravery.

CUSTOMARY BRAVERY? HAVE I GOT THE WRONG MIRAN ONCE AGAIN?

Just get on with it.

RIGHT, WELL, IF YOU WILL FOLLOW ME...

Both Death and his father's spirit suddenly vanished leaving Miran all alone. Gazing out over the landscape, Miran turned for the capital and set off. His son, possibly his son, was most likely in the palace. It promised to be a long journey but Miran was hardly in any rush. He just hoped Nasir would live an eventful life, otherwise his time as a ghost promised to be a boring one. He also hoped he could find out what coughing with women entailed.
________________

I'm still very surprised that I have not been attacked by fellow Pratchett fans for my blasphemy in so attempting to rip-off the great man! Now to begin ripping off another excellent writer in JDMS.

[morningSIDEr]

Chapter One: Always Blame the Cartographer

3 September 1471

Nasir Khan Faruqi, crown prince of Khandesh, looked up from his study of the mud brick boots plans, the latest piece of technologically advanced equipment being considered for the Khandeshi army. Instantly he noticed his father's chamberlain of many years hurrying towards him with a worried look on his face.

"My Sultan, terrible news!" Gasped the panic striken chamberlain.

"Relax Gra-, uh, Kal-...uhm...my dear man. Catch your breath. What is wrong?"

"My name is Prathamesh Himanshulaxman, sire." A rather peeved looking Prathamesh remonstrated.

"Yes, yes, I know, you've served my family for many years, it is not as if I had forgotten your name. Hah, perish the thought. Wait, you called me 'Sultan'..."

"Yes, sire. Your father passed away earlier today. I'm afraid he was killed whilst heroically fighting the fiendish Baluchistani hordes."

"Fighting? Heroically? That doesn't sound like him." Noting Prathamesh's horrified expression at this remark, Nasir hurriedly added, "Uhm, I mean, what a tragedy. I guess I am Sultan now then?"

"Yes, sire."

"Oh. Wonderful."

The last few days had passed in a blur for Nasir, busy as he had been attending to his coronation. Having finally dispensed with ceremonial duties he was now readying himself to take to the field so as to avenge the death of his father by crushing Punjab for once and for all. Before departing for the front he met with his cabinet for the first time.

Prathamesh hurried forward to meet Nasir as the Sultan strode towards the waiting cabinet, "Good afternoon, sire, everyone is waiting for you. Please allow me to make the introductions."

"Oh. Yes, greetings Mun-, uhm...I want to say Jayesh-"

"It is Pathemesh, sire."

"Yes, yes, I know. That was my next guess."

"Very good, sire. Allow me to introduce you to Hemant Satyajeet, your Chief Eunuch and right hand man." Parthamesh stated whilst handing Nasir the correct personnel file.

"Oh, the obligatory Hemant, hmm?"

"Yes, sire. I live to serve you and hope to continue the proud traditions associated with my name."

"ah yes, traditions such as being a backstabbing, treachorous yet indispensable minister due to your ingenious yet evil plans, eh?"

"Exactly so, sire."

"Capital! I see it states here in your file that you are wounded." Nasir continued whilst perusing Hemant's file, "Mind you, since you are a eunuch I think I can guess where you received the wound. Did my father really order it cut off?"

Parthmesh interrupted quickly, "Ahem, if you will follow me please sire."

"Very well. Wait. Is this file correct? Hemant has a wife despite being a eunuch?" Nasir posed the question to Parthmesh whilst being led towards the next waiting minister.

"Yes, sire."

"What?! How does that work? More to the point, how is he able to find himself a wife whilst I have yet to find a bride?"

"Uhm...I'm not sure, sire. You are rather young to be bald-I mean, your lack of hai-uh, I could not possibly say why you are not yet married, my liege." Parthamesh hurriedly introduced a scowling Nasir to the next minster, "Allow me to introduce your chancellor, Vikas Paawan."

"A pleasure to meet you."

"The...plea-*cough*-ure...is...all...mi-*splutter*-ne, sire."

"You'll forgive me if I do not shake your rotting, green tinged, foul smelling hand?"

"As...you...ple-*cough*-ase, sire."

"So kind. Uhm, one moment please." Nasir swiftly dragged Parthamesh to one side, "Is he meant to be that shade of green?"

"Oh. You noticed."

"Yes, I noticed the green tinge to his skin, the horrendous smell he is emitting and...goodness me, it looks as if he is rotting!"

"Very astute, sire. Yes, uh, well Vikas is...well, he has the plague."

"The plague?! And yet he is my chancellor?!"

"Oh yes, sire, Vikas is fantastic in the role. Whenever he attends a diplomatic summit the opposing diplomats always quickly accede to any demand he makes. Apparently they want to end proceedings as quickly as possible due to some ill-founded worry they have about his being contagious. Haha."

"Ha. Ha. I think I'll meet the next person now."

"But of course, sire."

"Hold on. His file states he is married too! Plague ridden yet married? Do I need develop a life threatening disease before I find myself a wife too?"

"It could help, sire."

"..."

"Uh, I mean, uhm, I truly have no idea why women are not falling at your feet, sire! A near baldin-uhm, a prematurely grey haire-uh, no, I don't mean that. Perhaps no women considers herself worthy of you." A sweating Prathamesh offered.

"Hmm. Yes, perhaps." A slightly mollifed Nasir replied whilst glaring at Prathamesh, "Well, I'd best meet this next minist-what the? His finger just dropped off! Did you see that?! Vikas' finger just dropped off!"

"Oh, he'll sew it on again, sire, don't worry. This way please."

"Sew it on again? I'm surprised he isn't named Raj Shu." Muttered the perturbed Nasir.

"What was that, sire?"

"Oh, nothing. So who is this? What body parts is he lacking? Or is he striken with a horrible illness too?"

"This is Tushar Faruqi, sire, the Royal Treasurer."

"Oh, a Faruqi. I think I remember you, a distant cousin I think?"

"Close, sire, I'm your uncle."

"Ah. Well, I'm glad to see you are prospering. I suppose you are well qualified for this role?"

"Of course, I am a Faruqi."

"Oh. Yes, quite."

"Yes, sire. If you remember our last Treasurer was a distant cousin of yours named Miran Suleyman." Prathamesh helpfully explained, "He managed to near bankrupt the nation due to taking out several horribly onerous loans for no good reason."

"Well done him. Clearly we Faruqi are well suited to the field of economics. What happened to Miran Suleyman by the way?" Nasir asked whilst being led by Prathamesh to the last waiting minister.

"Strung up by nobles who were left shockingly impoverished by his terrible economic policies."

"Gosh, that seems a trifle ungrateful."

"Quite, sire. And here is the last of the cabinet, your Chief Torturer, Nitin Paawan, no relation of Vikas."

"Yes, I can see that, he's not green for one thing. Pleasure to meet you. So what kind of things does your role entail?"

"The pleasure is all mine, sire. Well, I, uh, torture people."

"Fantastic. I look forward to working with you. One moment please." Once again Nasir dragged Prathamesh to one side. "A torturer?! I really have a torturer as a member of my cabinet?"

"Uhm, yes, sire."

"So no Marshal, religious leader or Spy Master but a torturer?"

"Uh, I'm afraid so, sire."

"Right. Wonderful." Nasir sighed heavily before continuing, "Bring in the cartographer, let me survey my lands."

"What the devil is this?! This is not Khandesh! Nitin, deal with this fool of a cartographer." Nasir watches approvingly as the trembling cartographer is dragged away. Turning to Prathamesh he murmured, "Perhaps a torturer in the cabinet is not so bad after all. Now someone get me the actual map of my domains."

"These maps are rather out of date aren't they? They seem to be from the 1450. Furthermore this is a world map rather than one specifically of Khandesh." Nasir sighed heavily once again, "Nevermind, this will do for now." Turning towards the assembled ministers he addressed them, "Right, well, I'd best leave the country in the capable hands of you, my fine ministers, whilst I put Punjab to the sword!"

*thunk*

"ah, I see Vikas' hand has now fallen off." Turning from the cabinet and striding from the room Nasir muttered to himself, "Yes, safe hands indeed. I'm getting out of here before I catch something..."

---------------------

1 October 1471

A few weeks later and Nasir had to concede he had been completely wrong to doubt the usefulness of Nitin being a member of cabinet. Ever since the competent minister had been given the torture portfolio everyone had been desperate to comply with Nasir's every demand. The country had improved considerably as a result.

Although clearly Nasir's own talent in the field of administration had aided this matter. Truly he was finding rulership a breeze. After sorting out the problems of overextension within the nation he had quickly bested Punjab and her allies.

Or, rather, his various generals had defeated his foes whilst he cowered-that is, whilst he directed operations from the comfort of the palace. Peace with Punjab was secured soon after, a mere faint cough from Vikas prompting the Punjabi diplomats to beg for peace on whatever terms Khandesh desired, if only Vikas would be removed from their prescence.

Luxuriating in his throne room after the war with Punjab, Nasir smiled faintly to himself, clearly he was born to rule. Leading his people just came so naturally to him. Nothing but glory awaited his reign. Noting a messenger slowly approaching, Nasir beckoned the young man over, accepting the scroll from him with an imperious nod.

"Oh."




An excerpt from Khandesh: The Astoundingly Tedious History

Nasir Khan I Faruqi was crowned Sultan of Khandesh on the 5 September 1471 following the death of his 'father' Miran Muhammand Khan I Faruqi. The young Sultan quickly proved himself full of talent, if sadly rather lacking in hair, swiftly ending the war with Punjab, securing impressive gains for Khandesh in the process.

Retaining the 'skilled' cabinet members he inherited from his father, Nasir enjoyed further success in January 1473 after Nitin terrorised the citizens of the province of Ahmadnagar into adopting the Muslim faith via the simple expedient of touring the province with a portable well. January 1471 brought Nasir yet more welcome news when Vikas attained a Military Access treaty from the nation of Iraq despite heated negotiations on the subject. The deadlock in these negotiations only broken once Vikas' foot dropped off, leaving horrified Iraqi diplomats to quickly agree to terms.

Having thus achieved a promising start to his reign, Nasir began to consider further targets for Khandeshi expansion.

[loki100]

ah ... relaxes back into the sense of pure lunacy --- good to see this appearing again ... & rather neat rip off of Rome too

but this Nasir, the word 'competent' comes to mind - are you sure he is the correct next ruler (I mean overextension happens to us all)?

[Dewirix]

Great to see this back again.

If you haven't got the overextension modifier, you're not trying hard enough.

I have to say, Nasir looks troublingly confident as a general (and even hiding behind the front lines is a good move if you're going to win anyway) and as an administrator. Let's hope he doesn't have too much diplomacy to do though.

[Athalcor]

It lives! I am gonna read this pretty soon.

[RGB]

Portraiture. Spiffy.

Back from the dreamless sleep. Spiffier.

Portable well. Most spiffy thing of all.

[gabor]

Oh my! Nasir should consider himself lucky it's vanilla and not MM; with such a take at diplomacy, infamy points constantly coming the Kandesh way, and him himself being hmm... diplomatically challenged he would be aquiring more and more infamy and heading headlong towards being FRAMED!

[morningSIDEr]

Thank you profusely for the replies!

loki100 - Once again acquiring those few screenshots from Rome took me far longer than I had thought it would. I was fiddling around with Rome files for hours on end before finally getting something halfway decent! My respect for proper modders has grown considerably as a result.

Nasir does seem surprisingly competent, perhaps he is not Miran's son after all. Thankfully the usual bungling Khandeshi cabinet has saved matters!

Dewirix - Many thanks for the kind words (a bribe is en route!). I cannot agree more with regards to the overextension modifier, it is clearly the mark of a hardworking tyrant.

Very true also with regards to Nasir's stats, thankfully his deficiency in diplomatic matters is happily remedied by Vikas' great ability!

Athalcor - I strongly advise against ever reading this!

RGB - Food and drink consumed whilst typing the update; £2.99
Monthly internet bill; £14.99
Receiving a brilliant comment from RGB; priceless.

(well, not quite priceless, 1p in bribery fees to be precise)

gabor - One of the many reasons why I dare not try MM! I'd end up easily defeated within the first few seconds, as opposed to my being easily defeated within the first few minutes with vanilla!

[morningSIDEr]

Chapter Two: Sick Diplomacy

1 April 1474

Months has passed since the crushing victory over Punjab and Nasir felt increasingly confident in his role as Sultan. He was currently busy touring his lands, meeting his subjects, or at least those subjects rich, hygienic and important enough to warrant his attention, when further promising news was brought to him. Quickly scanning a dispatch handed to him by Hemant, Nasir slowly broke into smile.

A new nation had been identified on his border. More importantly, a weak nation. It was admittedly embarrassing that Khandeshi intelligence had taken numerous years before finally identifying Qara Koyunlu, lying as it did just over the border from Khandesh. Nasir blamed the cartographers for this. It mattered little regardless, he had his fresh target for expansion.

Unfortunately the dispatch had not contained only good news.

Nasir was dismayed upon learning of this shock reverse, instantly blaming the hapless cartographers who were clearly at fault once again. Nasir was in little doubt that their failure to map out the battlefield correctly was the cause for this defeat. Certainly horrific incompetence on the part of the Khandeshi army at being humbled by a force far smaller than itself could in no way be the reason for this setback. This thus caused Nasir to loose Nitin upon the cartographers once more. Happy with the sound of cartographers plummeting down the nearby portable well, Nasir banished this defeat from his mind as he sent for Vikas.

It was time for war.

---------------------

3 July 1474

Nasir had returned to his palace by the time that the declaration of war was delivered to Qara Koyunlu. Relaxing in his throne room with a game of 'Look for Vikas' Missing Body Parts', he was left horrified upon learning that so many nations were willing to rush to the aid of the small Qara Koyunlu. Despite this alarm, early battlefield reports were promising.

As Nasir was quickly coming to realise, Khandesh's army may struggle at besting far smaller rebel forces but thankfully, if confusingly, she had no trouble dealing with fellow professional armies. Slowly relaxing once more Nasir began to hope once again that an easy victory was achievable in this war after all. It was then with some worry that he noticed Hemant slowly approaching the throne. Hemant's news was startling.

"So let me get this straight. My father guaranteed Punjab before quickly declaring war upon her?" Nasir asked this of Vikas who had been summoned as soon as Hemant had delivered the message.

"Yes...sire. Stan-*cough*-dard...diplo-*splutter*macy..."

"How so?"

"Well...sire...it...ca-*cough*-ught...them...off...guard."

"What I think Vikas is attempting to say very slowly, sire, is that by firstly pretending that we wished to be an ally of Punjab, they were caught unawares when we declared war upon them." Hemant helpfully explained.

"ah, I see, I see. We truly are an underhanded, dishonourable nation."

"And proud of it, sire!"

"I don't understand how they can actually expect us to honour this guarantee though."

"Oh, it would be wise if we do honour it, sire. We have a reputation to protect."

"But...you just said-" A clearly flabbergasted Nasir began.

"Yes, sire, we have a brilliant reputation of always 'aiding' nations." Hemant interjected smoothly. "Think of our past dealings with The Timurids."

"Oh. Oh, I see. So we need honour our diplomatic commitments so as to protect our reputation as backstabbing scoundrels operating barely within the accepted boundaries of diplomacy?"

"Exactly so, sire!"

"Well, that makes sense. I think. Right, well we'd best rush to the aid of the dastardly and despicable Punjab!" Noting a warning look from Hemant, Nasir quickly continued, "Uh, I mean we must rush to the aid of the faithful ally of Khandesh, Punjab!"

"Well done, sire! I'll have the troops sent out at once."

*thunk*

"I'll also send for a seamstress to re-attach Vikas' thumb."

Thus Khandesh was committed to yet another war on yet another front. Nasir was not unduly worried though, it was not as if he was fighting a band of rebels, rather, it was mere professional forces. A man who was currently very worried however was Hemant. Nasir had taken news of Punjab's request for aid rather well but Hemant was rather dreading Nasir's reaction when Hemant informed him of recent developments.

"Good afternoon, sire."

"Oh, greetings Hemant, wonderful day."

"It is that, sire."

A few minutes passed uncomfortably before Nasir barked out, "Well? I assume you have something rather more important to tell me than exchanging basic pleasantries."

"Oh yes, sorry, sire. Uh...uhm...well...Vijaynagar declared war upon us a few weeks ago."

"A few weeks ago?! And you only thought to tell me now?!"

"Uh, well, they only have 1,000 men under arms, sire."

"Oh. Well, nevermind then. There was no need to get so apprehensive about telling me that my good man." Noting the look on Hemant's face Nasir himself quickly became apprehensive, "There is more, isn't there?"

"I'm afraid so, sire. Mere days later Madurai declared war upon us."

"..."

"I'm very sorry you were not informed before now, sire! But once again they are a small nation with only 1,000 men under arms."

Nasir sighed heavily, "Very well. Two pitiful nations declaring war on us, no harm done. Warn me in future though. Why did they declare war upon us anyway? Have we suddenly been declared an infamous nation filled with dishonourable scum?"

"Oh no, sire. Everyone thinks of us as dishonourable and filled to the brim with scum but not infamous, no." Hemant paused briefly before continuing, "Uhm, I'm afraid it wasn't just these two nations who declared war upon us."

"Go on." Nasir stated threateningly.

"Well, sire, a few weeks after the Madurai declaration, another nation stepped in."

"Worry not though, sire, they only have an army 3,000 strong."

"Worry not! We are at war with numerous nations you fool! The 5,000 men these nations can muster could tip the balance. You should have told me about this long before now."

"I'm sorry, sire, truly I am. You just seemed so busy with important matters such as searching for a good wig maker and begging the rulers of other nations to send you a bride."

"Well, yes, I have been busy with vitally important work for the good of the nation. But damn it man, you need tell me of developments of this sort in future. How did this happen anyway? You say we are not thought of as infamous."

"No, sire, it was nothing to do with infamy. I'm afraid that there was a diplomatic meeting in October attended by delegates from numerous nations including Vijaynagar, Madurai and Bihar. Vikas was our representative of course."

"Oh no." Groaned Nasir wearily.

"I'm afraid so, sire. An unfortunate event happened during the meeting."

"What happened?" Asked Nasir in a voice laden with dread.

"Well, uh, Vikas coughed all over the other representatives, indeed he coughed so hard that a few of his body parts...uh...well, they dropped off. Into the laps of the representatives."

"..."

"As you can imagine the other diplomats were none too happy, interpreting this as a diplomatic insult on the part of Khandesh, they declared war upon our nation as soon as they could."

"And yet Vikas is called a master of diplomacy?"

"At times he can be, sire, at times he can be."

"Right." Nasir visibly struggled to pull himself back together, "You'd best summon my generals."

After a hurried meeting with his generals Nasir was left to worry in the palace whilst battle after battle was fought against the numerous nations arrayed against Khandesh. The various wars were progressing surprisingly well much to Nasir's delight, but he was left horrified upon learning of the sudden emergence of a large army from the Golden Horde.

Vikas was instantly ordered to secure peace with Qara Koyunlu at all costs.

The decaying Chancellor slightly redeemed himself in the eyes of Nasir in managing to thrash out an excellent peace treaty for Khandesh. The Qara Koyunlu diplomats had merely needed to see Vikas enter the negotiation room before quickly accepting all demands made of them. They were all too aware of Vikas' reputation and all too desperate to avoid being coughed upon.

A disastrous battle with the Golden Horde thus averted, Nasir allowed himself to unwind once more, content that the war had taken a decisive turn. Flicking through the pages of the latest toupee catalogue, Nasir began pondering which nation he could next 'aid' as he had Punjab.


An excerpt from Khandesh: A Mind Numbingly Boring History

Following the peace treaty agreed with Qara Koyunlu, her various allies quickly accepted offers of a white peace with Khandesh. This left only the three small nations of the 'Anti-Coughing Coalition' at war with Khandesh, with both Bihar and Vijaynagar quickly forced to accept lenient peace terms with Khandesh. By January 1477 only Madurai was left at war with Khandesh. So it was that Nasir, finally near free from warfare once again, began contemplating which nation he should next offer his 'aid' to.

[mayorqw]

Persia needs our most urgent, uh, help! It is clear from Khandeshi intelligence that the Persians are organizing a military demobilization! They are laying down their arms! Unfortunately, they haven't offered us any of them! We must, ah... teach them to SHARE! Bring the POWER OF SHARING all across the world! Share your taxes, your weapons, your lives, your land with Khandesh!

Trust me, it'll make a fantastic ad campaign
And the Cartographers will likely work better with cleaner borders

[Athalcor]

Damn cartographers! Trying to spoil everything that's Khandeshi and good!

Oh, the Timurid-crashing (oh, I meant helping) times. That brings memories with a smile.

[loki100]

looks like you'll be ok till Vikas actually falls apart ... but notice that in all these wars - you are badly outnumbered at sea ... does this mean the various experiments in alternative flotation devices are yet to pay off?

[Dewirix]

Khandesh's incompetence seems to be contagious. First the Golden Horde offer you extremely generous peace terms in light of the fact they were giving you a good kicking, then all your smallest neighbours queue up to declare war on you despite having fewer troops than Gotland.

Fortunately for the world, at least the rebels seem to know what they're doing.

[Memento Mori]

You should send your master diplomat as a general to face any horde that dares to attack your land. He works quite hard to muster an army of millions of bacteria, and it would be a shame to allow such a force to rot (excuse my horrible pun (I am just learning from the master)) at home.

By the way, why don't you expand East to more civilised regions then the steppes of these rebel infested barbarians?

[blsteen]

Gone for the weekend and now the updates roll in...
Nice to see this back and nice to see Khandesh once again providing support to the downtrodden little countries of south asia.

[RGB]

The mighty anti-Coughing alliance shall be bravely defeated, brining glory to Khandesh for vanquishing such mighty foes!

[gabor]

The ways of AI are even more mysterious than those of Faruqis. What were they thinking?

Anyway, with new aquisitions, overextension is here to stay.

[morningSIDEr]

mayorqw - I like your thinking! The House of Faruqi; Always willing to lessen the burden of other rulers and take unwanted, and wanted, land of their hands. Force will be used if necessary.

Nations such as Persia certainly do need to be cleaned up though, perhaps the cartographers would become slightly competent then. Probably not however!

Athalcor - It is a sad fact that Khandesh, proficient in so many areas especially with regards to her ridiculously competent rulers, really does seem to have no good cartographers, alas. Thankfully the great Faruqi rulers always work around this!

The Timurids were lucky enough to receive more kind warfare and destruc-uh, 'aid' from Khandesh once again in this coming update!

loki100 - Alas yes, the sinkmarine is not quite working yet. It sinks perfectly! It just has a strange habit of disintergrating shortly afterwards. Khandeshi scientists believe they are using the wrong type of grass when tying the parts together. Thankfully, as Nasir shows in this coming update, the Khandeshi navy is still strong even without the sinkmarine!

Dewirix - I'm still confused as to why all those minors declared war upon Khandesh. It is almost as if they think Khandesh, land of liberators and peace lovers, is an infamous warmongering nation which need be conquered! With regards to the Golden Horde, I'm just thankful Vikas is proving such an effective chancellor. And an even more effective cougher.

I share your sentiments with regards to the rebels as well, as this coming update shows they really are a competent, Faruqi loving bunch!

Memento Mori - An excellent idea! Khandesh could be one of the first nations to employ germ warfare! Just send a fully loaded Vikas on to any battlefield and victory awaits!

The reason I'm forging west is because the nations to my east will get no stronger as the game progresses. Well, Ming is likely to gobble up a few countries but they should remain roughly the same until the end of the game. Thus I want to rush west whilst my armies still have a chance of defeating Latin tech nations, as since I am not planning on westernising, I'll really struggle in later years attempting to take on any European army. I rather think I'll really struggle even now, even if I do have another military genius named Miran on the throne! Plus I want to go west before the 'Holy War' casus belli runs out in 1650.

So really I'm just wanting to rush west and conquer as much as possible for as little infamy as possible! I mean, uhm, no, I want to liberate the western nations from the many rebels they suffer and bring enlightenment to the benighted savages!

blsteen - Khandesh is nothing if not a friendly, giving nation ever wishing to support her neighbours! Achieving this by giving them constant warfare and rebellion. Truly Khandesh is too kind.

RGB - How true! The evil Anti-Coughers shall be made to pay for daring stife peoples freedom to cover others in spittle!

gabor - As stated above the many minors rushing into war with Khandesh continues to perplex me. I can only imagine there was some unfortunate misunderstanding. I agree with regards to overextension, alas. Thankfully with the 'fantastic' cabinet at hand to aid Nasir it matters little!