An Inquiry into laziness and other virtues - A Frisia AAR

Sticht, May 23rd 1371

Duchess Elisabeth von Falkenstein sits in her chamber stitching. A little later, an obviously spiritless Duke Knud enters the room.

K: "Hi."
E: "Hello."
K: "What are you doing."
E: "Stitching."
K: "Looks cute."
E: "Thanks."
K: "What is it? A yellow dog."
E: "It`s a lion! It will be your very own emblem."
K: "Does it take long?"
E: "Yes."
K: "Difficult?"
E: "No."
K: "Boring?"
E: *unnerved* "For heaven`s sake, Knud, don`t you have something useful to do in this household?"
K: "Like what?"
E: "You could cut the lawn in front of the castle."
K: "Did it last week."
E: "Or change the water in the ditch."
K: "Two weeks ago."
E: "Do anything, but stop getting on my nerves. Take your friends and make a pleasure trip."
K: *suddenly comes to mind* "Really? I may?"
E: "Yes, really."
K: "Thanksthanksthanks." *kisses her and rushes outside*
E: *shakes her head* "Kids."

Italy, January 22nd 1372



Knud and Marshal Krzysztof are standing on St. Mark`s Square.

K: "Ah, Venice!"
Kr: "Ehm, Sir? Do you really think, that it was this what your wife had in mind when she spoke about a trip?"
K: "She said to me `Take your friends and do what you want and don`t come back as soon as you are finished`. At least that`s what she meant. So? I made a trip to Italy with my friends."
Kr: "20.000 of them."
K: "I`m a people`s person."
Kr: "All armed?"
K: "Hey, the roads are not safe these days."
Kr: "And what are these ship passages for?"
K: "I intend to do a little shopping. By the way, I should write Elisabeth a card."

Knud buys a card with the St. Mark`s Basilica on it.

`Dear Elisabeth. Venice is fine. Weather great. Wanted to buy some spices for the cooks, but this city is horribly expensive. Will be back as soon as I found an affordable source. Kisses. Knud.`

Alexandria, November 21st 1372



K: "I wonder, why Spices are so darn cheap here?"
Kr: "Because you simply took them after having slaughtered the whole population?"
K: "Maybe. I wonder, why nobody else had the idea. By the way, send a message to the Pope: `Hey Pal. Conquered Alexandria. Pleased now? Greetings. Knud.`. Alright, now I need some oriental fabrics for Elisabeth."
Kr: "But we`ve found none."
K: "What? Alright, call the men, we need another retailer."


Gabiyaha, August 12th 1373

K: It`s really a shame. We`re honest customers and they won`t sell something to us."
Kr: "Maybe it`s because you tried to ram Cairo`s gates?"
K: "You`re so negative. I`ve tried to open Cairo for business. What`s wrong with a little economy promotion? Boy, what happened to `The customer is always right`?"

A messenger appears.

M: "Sir, an army of the King of Egypt tries to retake Alexandria."
K: "How many soldiers?"
M: "About 40.000"
K: *appalled* "Alright, boys, closing time. Round up our shoppings and then get the hell out of here."
Kr: "And what about the pope?"
K: "What about the pope."
Kr: "You know, our message, Alexandria conquered and stuff."
K: "So what? I wrote, I conquered it. I did. Did I wrote, I`ll hold it? Did I?"
Kr: *rolls eyes* "No, Sir."
K: "See, all is fine. So let`s board the ships."


Sticht, February 8th 1375

K: "Hello, Elisabeth? Where are you? I`m hoo-oome."

Elisabeth appears.

K: "Hi, sweetheart. Nice to see you. Look at what I`ve brought with me. Spices, fabrics...and look at this thing."



K: "You have to try it. Great, isn`t it?"
E: *looks frosty*
K: *cautious* "Darling, you don`t mind our trip took a little bit longer, hum? Honey?"
E: *comes closer*
K: "Honey?"
E: *whips out a rolling pin*

(Will Knud survive Elisabeth`s reunion pleasure? Will the pope coincide with Knud`s semantics? Find out in the next chapter.)

Qorten said:

Hilarious! Apparently those medieval women were quite dominant. :rofl:

Click to expand...

A story still untold by historians. Maybe I should tell them.

Gent, January 12th 1417



Duke Ysbrecht van Braunschweig (who didn`t qualify for an official nick so far, although some annalist begin to address him as Ysbrecht the a-little-bit-agnostic-but-not-in-a-heretical-way) holds court to hear the petitions of his subjects. Accidentally one peasant, burgher, cleric and noble each are present.

Y: "Okay, who is next?"
Cl: "Me, Sir. Do you remember the Cathedral in Gent?"
Y: "Hard to overlook, this darn massive thing. Don`t you think?"
Cl: "Yes, Sir. And in front of the Cathedral is a square."
Y: "So?"
Cl: "And three days a week, there is a market on that square."
Y: "Sooo?"
Cl: "And there is a lot of noise and smell."
Y: "Buddy, I`ve got work to do, so let`s get down to the point."
Cl: "So we request that you forbid all commerce on that square."
Bu: "What an outrage! The church wants to curtail the free trade among our citizenship."
Y: "And who the heck are you?"
Bu: "One of the merchants, Sir."
Cl: "Who offends this holy place with his lowly business."
Bu: "But a business, that`s open to all people."
Pe: "As long as all people are citizens, that is."
Bu: "Correct. Oh, and Sir, would you please tell these greasy farmers to get out of our nice city with their wares?"
Cl: "What an astonishing example of brotherly love."
Bu: "I bet you guys are experts in love among brothers behind your convent walls, huh?"
Y: *giggles*
Cl: "Sir?!"
Y: *coughs* "Oh...eh...I swallowed something."
Bu: "Sir, since these holy joes are busy giving themselves a hand..." *grins* "...maybe you care to appoint some of us into your council?"
No: "Just over my dead body, buster. I`ll never share the same room with someone of you upstarts."
Bu: "Then go play with your horses." *grins*
Cl: "But don`t trample the fields we`re working on."
Pe: "The only fields YOU are working on is the god`s acre."
Y: *giggles*
Cl: "SIR?!"
Y: "I mean, look, padre. Don`t take this god-stuff too serious, okay?"
Cl: "..."
Bu: "Sir? So what about our market?"
Cl: "And our dignity?"
No: "And our privileges?"
Pe: "And our rights?"
Y: "SHUT UP! Everyone! Since you`re all too stubborn for a compromise, you`ll have to fight for it."
No: *grins*
Y: "With your brains."
No: "Rats!"


Outside of Gent, March 3rd 1417



Ysbrecht is sitting on the tribune at the tilt yard. Suddenly he stands up and addresses the crowd.

Y: "People of Gent. Today there will be a unique tourney. Are you ready for excitement?"
Cr: "Yes!"
Y: "Are you ready for drama?"
Cr: "Yes!!"
Y: "Are you ready for blood and guts?"
Cr: "Yes, yes, yes!"
Y: "Too bad, for this will be an intellectual contest..."
Cr: "BOOOOOOOO!"
Y: "...with a lot of free beer afterward."
Cr: "YSBRECHT! YSBRECHT! YSBRECHT!"
Y: *besides* "Ah, the good folk." *aloud* "Call over the contestants."

The peasant, burgher, cleric and noble are brought before the tribune.

Y: "Alright, everyone of you will be asked one question. If you answer correctly, your request will be granted. Okay, first the noble`s question. What was the score of the battle at Agincourt?"
No: "10.000:29 in Harry`s favor, Sir."
Y: "Pardon?"
No: "Yes, Sir, it was the front-page story in the `Weekly Mail`."
Y: *facepalm* "Okay, the cleric`s question. What is the core topic of Chaucer`s `Canterbury Tales`?"
Cl: "Burn after reading?"
Y: *looks appalled* "NO! Okay, the burgher. What are the three maxims of a successful city government?"
Bu: "Corruption, patronage and deficit spending."
Y: "Ehm...is anyone else as frightened about the future as I am? So, the peasants question. In a village are three farmers. The first owns 12 acres, the second a third part of a hide and the third one half a sulung. How many yokes would each of the farmers own, if their land would be divided equally?"
Pe: "Ummm..."
Y: "Obviously `um` is not the correct answer. Buddies, you are all failures, so I get to decide. The Nobles may hunt where ever they want. The burghers may hold their market on that rotten church square. The peasants may join one day a week. Period."
Cl: "And what about us?"
Y: "Boy, you`re really a pain in the arse." *grins* "Okay, I think about it, but don`t nail me down on this." *grins*

(Will the clergy receive something besides smart remarks? Will Ysbrecht soon be known as Ysbrecht the Excommunicated? Find out in the next chapter.)

Sticht, December 26th 1453

Duke Filips van Braunschweig (called Filips the Calm by some of his subjects) is sitting in front of the fireplace together with his wife Beatrix and his children Mathilde, Boudewijn, Anna and Reynaerd. Christmas is over and the atmosphere is pretty relaxed.

F: "So, Boudewijn, what`s up in Oldenburg?"
Bo: "Always the same, Dad. People getting on my nerves with their petitions. `Oh, Count B., please become a crusader. Oh, Count B., do you want to kill the boar yourself? Oh, Count B., may I sleep with your steward`s daughter?`"
Be: "Boudewijn!"
Bo: "Sorry, Mom. But sometimes I`m pretty bugged. And hey, Reynaerd is not a child anymore."
M: *frustrated* "I wish, someone would sleep with me."
Be: "Mathilde!"
M: "Come on, Mom. I`m 24 and all my suitors got kicked in the ass by Dad."
F: *giggles*
M: "I`m going to end as old and bitter maid."
A: "And what about the stable boy?"
M: *turns red and slaps her* "Shut it."
F: *very suspicious* "What about the stable boy?"
M: "Nothing, Dad, he`s just...very...helpful."

Fortunately for Mathilde a quite upset Diocese Bishop Ludwig rushes into the room with a large book in his hands.

L: "Sir! Sir! I did it. I finished it."
F: "Finished what?"
L: "My epochal opus about your realm. It`s called `The History of Gelre from the creation until now.`"
F: "From the creation?"
Be: "What is it about, Ludwig?"
L: "Mylady, it lists all the predecessors of your husband and their deeds."
F: "From the creation?"
Bo: "So read something out of it."
M: "Oh, yes, please Dad. Let him read it."

Filips takes the book and opens it.

F: "Don`t get me wrong, Ludwig, but I`ll skip the beginning. I guess we all know the creation story and I think, the population density around here hasn`t been that high back then." *whispers* "From the creation, Jesus..."
Be: "Who`s first, Darling?"
F: "A guy called Ekbert the Alliterate. Ruled from 1038 to 1083."
M: "Ekbert the Alliterate? What kind of a stupid epithet is that?"
F: "True, dear. We gotta change that."
Be: "What did he do?"
F: "Not that much. Oh...wait...he abolished Primae Noctae and got beatified."
Be: "That`s neat."
F: "Great idea, Darling. Ekbert the Neat. Pass me the quill pen, please."
L: "But, sir!"
F: "So what, I don`t want to have a predecessor with a stupid nick." *writes* "Ekbert...the...Neat."

Be: "Great, honey. Next?"
F: "1083 to 1113. Ekbert II. the Cruel."
R: "Was he really cruel, Dad?"
F: "Seems so. When he died, he was excommunicated. The church denied him a christian burial, so the coffin bearers dumped him on the next dung heap."
A: "How ugly."
R: "How cool. Pictures?"
Be: "Reynaerd!"
F: *takes the pen* "Guess we need a few corrections here."
L: "Sir..."
F: "Don`t worry, pal. Okay, the dung heap is not that nice. Let`s say, his tomb is unknown, since he disappeared on a journey."
Be: "That`s good, dear. But the nickname..."
F: "Right. Okay..let`s see...dung heap...let`s call him Ekbert the Fertile." *writes*
L: *facepalm*

F: "Wow, this one is great. 1113 to 1153. Gotthard the Lewd."
R: "Lewd?"
Bo: "He screwed many girls."
R: "Cool!"
M: "Pictures?"
Be: "Mathilde!"
F: "Dream on, dear." *reads* "Ouch."
Bo: "What?"
F: "At old age he became schizophrenic and married a couple of women. Fortunately he died before the messenger with the excommunication reached him."
Be: "The pen?"
F: "Would be better. The last paragraph is not that interesting anyway. Any ideas for a nick, kids?"
M: "What about Gotthard the Loving." *sighs*
F: "Very good, Maggy. Maybe we should really get you a husband."
M: *smiles*
F: "Just a joke."
M: *grunts*

F: "Alright. 1153 to 1187. Reinhard the Conqueror. THAT`s a nickname."
Bo: "Conqueror?"
F: "Yes, son. Before then, all these guys were Counts and ruled Frisia and Ostfriesland. But this smart guy conquered Gelre, Sticht, Zeeland, Holland and Westfriesland and gained the title Duke."
Bo: "If he`d lived longer, maybe he could have become king."
F: "There is indeed a legend about a prophecy he received by three angels. Hm, but pretty vague, this story. Well, never mind, he was a good guy."
Be: "Next?"

F: "1187 to 1204. Baldewin the Unremarkable. Unremarkable? Ludwig?"
L: "Well, Sir, obviously he didn`t do anything remarkable."
F: "Conquests?"
L: "No."
F: "Crusades?"
L: "Nope."
F: "Anything?"
L: "He died due to a sexually transmitted disease."
F: *facepalm*
L: "By the way, one of your stable boys seems to be ill."
M: *turns pale*
A: *grins*
Be: *rolls eyes*
F: *shakes head* "Okay, time for a correction. He died due to the pox. And we call him Baldewin the Unfortunate."
L: "That`s pretty...flattering." *coughs*
F: "Hey, it`s my family, okay? And having no luck is not a failure."
Be: "Don`t worry, dear. Next?"

F: "1204 to 1227. Ludwig the Child."
Be: "The child?"
F: "He became Duke at age 5 and died age 28. Oh..."
Be: "What?"
F: "He became ill..."
Be: "Oh."
F: "His lady died."
Be: *sighs* "Oh."
F: "He became depressed over that."
Be: *sniffs*
F: "And finally died due to a broken heart."
Be: *cries* "This is so unfaaa-aa-air."
F: *rolls eyes* "Would please somebody pass a tissue to your mother?"

(Will Duchess Beatrix recover from this shock? Will Filips further increase his skills as narrative and creative historian? Find out in the next chapter.)

Sticht, December 26th 1453

We`re back in front of the fireplace with Duke Filips, Duchess Beatrix, Mathilde, Boudewijn, Anna, Reynaerd and Diocese Bishop Ludwig.

F: "Fine again?"
Be: "Yes, dear, but it was so heartbreaking."

F: "Alright, let`s continue. 1227 to 1283. Franz the Candid."
A: "That sounds nice. What did he do?"
F: "Slaying a few thousand innocent civilians in Byzantium..."
A: "Oh..."
F: "Plunder everything and setting the city aflame...
A: "Ugh..."
F: "Upsetting his wife by begetting lots of bastards and accept them as legitimate children..."
A: "Speaking of it, Dad, there are three guys at the court, who just look like Boudewijn and Reynaerd. It`s really weird, they could be their twins."
F: *bashful* "Really? Must be some strange coincidence." *coughs*
Be: *looks suspicious*
F: "But back to Franz...ehm...finally he let the French ravage the country."
Bo: "Why on earth is he called Franz the Candid?"
F: "I don`t know, but we will fix that. Okay, innocent is now infidel, sounds similar. Plundering is patronize and all these children must have been legitimate from the start. I mean, has the historian been in his bedroom? Don`t think so. And I guess, Franz the Crusader is a pretty honest name for him."
Bo: "Great, dad. Who`s next?"

F: "1283 to 1298. Amadeus the...ehm...heretic Kinslayer."
R: *snorts with laughter*
F: "Ludwig?!"
L: "Sir?"
F: "Amadeus the heretic Kinslayer?"
L: "Pretty self-explanatory, isn`t it?" *giggles*
F: "Is there no other epithet?"
L: "Ehm...yes...Amadeus the misgoverning Mope."
R: *rolling on floor laughing*
F: "That`s not funny. I guess I`ll simply wipe him out of history."
L: *looks taunting* "Sir..."
F: "I mean, we could split up his reign so his predecessor and successor have reigned a little bit longer."
L: *looks very taunting*
F: "Okayokay. Christ. But we skip all the bad parts about him."
L: "But then nothing`s left."
F: "Fine. So his entry will be `Amadeus the Peaceful. Ruled 15 years and nothing happened.`"
L: *facepalm*

F: "Let`s go on. 1298 to 1321. Willem the Getaway. Ludwig?"
L: "Sir?"
F: "How come, all these guys have shitty nicks?"
R: "But Dad, his father was a kinslayer. If you had killed Boudewijn, I would flee too."
F: "But I would never do that..."
R: *smiles*
F: "...as long as you and your brother don`t screw up as rulers..."
M: *giggles*
F: "...or anyone else here does kinky stuff with my staff."
M: *gulp*
Be: "Say, honey, are there no accomplishments in his life?"
F: "Pfff...well...he took up the cross but never went to Jerusalem due to health issues...allegedly a heart attack."
Be: "And he died because of it?"
F: "Ehm...no...he died, because a guy from England forgot a dagger in his back."
Be: "Maybe we should call him Willem Ironneck?"
R: *laughs*
F: "You`re so silly. This is serious. Any suggestions?"
L: "Sir, since he did a lot for the handicraft business we could name him Willem the Patron."
F: "Oh, that`s good. The Patron." *writes*

F: "So, next is 1321 to 1324. Hardeknut."
M: "Hardeknut what?"
F: "Nothing. Just Hardeknut."
M: "And his deeds?"
F: "He was born, ruled three years and died."
M: "What about Hardeknut the Hasty?"
All: *laughing*
F: *facepalm*

(Will Filips throw out his family and finish this alone? Will Ludwig keep one original of his opus, so the truth will survive? Find out in the next chapter.)

Sticht, December 26th 1453

We`re back at the Gelre-Family. Filips just called all other family members to order and decreed, that Hardeknut shall be known as Hardeknut the Keen.

F: "Well well, now we`ve got 1324 - 1344. Asger with the Bump."
Bo: "That sounds interesting. Where was this bump from? A battle? A siege?"
F: "The plague."
Bo: "Oh...maybe we should think about it."
F: "Good boy. We need another epithet."
M: "Dad?"
F: "Yes?"
M: "Maybe we can simply make up a story about the origin of the bump. You know, people like stories."
F: "Intriguing thought. Okay, let`s see. He was on a crusade around Nicäa..."
Bo: "And found a piece of the holy cross..."
M: "And brought a splint of it with him..."
F: "Which is now in the Cathedral of Groningen."
L: "Sir?"
F: "Yes, Ludwig."
L: "We have no splint of the holy cross in Groningen."
F: "Don`t worry, I`ll scratch one off of the chest over there. Well, that was a neat family performance. So we now got an Asger with the Splint in the family. And Groningen will soon become pilgrimage site."
Be: "You`re so smart, dear."

F: "I know, but let`s get this over with. 1344 to 1387. Knud..." *sighs* "...the Beaten. Ludwig?"
L: "Well, Sir, he was beaten by a judgement of God."
F: "An ordeal by battle?"
L: "Two dominant wifes."
Be: *giggles*
L: "It was Duchess Adelheid and..."
Be: "Adelheid? The foundress of the Duchess Adelheid Memorial Public Library right here at the monastery?"
L: "The same, Mylady."
Be: "Then I vote for naming him Knud the Blessed."
F: "Blessed? Give me a break. I want something else."
Be: *looks strict* "Do that, if you want to eat stew...for the rest of your rotten life."
F: *gulp* "Well,...now that I think about it...I guess we need someone blessed in our family tree." *writes*
Be: "Good."

F: "Okay. 1387 to 1396. Gnupa the Daring."
A: "Gnupa..." *giggles*
F: "True, Darling, he had a stupid name, but his mother was from Poland, so don`t be surprised. By the way, he is my grandpa, so your great-grandfather."
Bo: "What was he like?"
F: "I don`t know, son, since he died before I was born. But Dad told me stories. His reign must have been one single campaign. Cologne, Gent, finally the german King himself. And he never lost a battle."
Bo: "So he died peacefully in his bed?"
F: "No, during his last battle."
Bo: "Ah, a natural death, that`s comforting."

F: "Now the last one. 1396 to 1436. My Dad. Ysbrecht the...wait...Ysbrecht the Agnostic? LUDWIG!"
L: "So what? He was."
F: "You priests never forgot him the church-square-incident."
L: "It was completely undeserved."
F: "And if he was agnostic, how come he got beatified?"
L: "Pfff, the pope always needs money."
F: "You change his nick this instant!"
R: "Dad?"
F: "What?"
R: "Was he really agnostic?"
F: "Well...boy...he had some...uncommon opinions..."
L: *whispers* "The understatement of the century."
M: "I remember grandpa. When I sat on his knees. And he called me his little princess. And that someday a knight in shining armor will appear and..." *starts crying* "...marry meee-ee-ee."
F: *rolls eyes* "Chriiist."
Be: *looks strict* "Dear!!"
F: "Alright, alright, next spring we`ll hold a tourney for all princes around and you`ll be the first prize."
M: "Really?"
F: "Yes, really."
M: *hugs and kisses him* "Thankyouthankyouthankyou."
R: "Ugh, how schmaltzy."

F: "So, kids, that`s all."
Bo: "What about you, Dad?"
F: "Me?"
Bo: "Yes, Dad, you`re the next. But you need a good nick."
L: *whispers* "Filips the Liable."
F: "Pardon?"
L: "Filips the Amiable, Sir."
Be: "Oh, yes, dear. That`s you." *kisses him*

F: "So be it." *writes* "Since 1436. Filips the Amiable. And that`s the end of the story."


FINIS