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Thread: An Inquiry into laziness and other virtues - A Frisia AAR

  1. #1
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    An Inquiry into laziness and other virtues - A Frisia AAR

    Frisia, April 11th 1067 (shortly after lunch)
    Ekbert van Braunschweig (known as Ekbert the Alliterate), Count of Frisia and Ostfriesland, made a short postprandial walk through the tower of his fort, when he passed a window. He stopped, took a look outside and began to think.

    E: "GUARDS!"
    G: "Yes, Sir?"
    E: "Call for my architect."
    G: "Will do, Sir."

    A few minutes later, architect Willem Wouters appeared, although a little out of breath, with a big smile on his face.

    W: "How may I service you, Sir?"
    E: "Take a look out of the window. What do you see?"



    W: "Nice weather, Sir. I bet, the peasants are happy about it."
    E: "Peasants?!"
    W: "Yes, Sir, peasants. You know, the lads who work on the field, cultivate corn, breed cattle and stuff. See, there is a second cousin of mine, and his brother..."
    E: "I know what peasants are, you stupid son of a severely sloshed swine! But do you see any of them?"
    W: "Now, that you talk about it, no. But...well...maybe they are just on the other side of the fort."



    W: "Ehm...no."
    E: "That`s it! Nobody`s there. All I see is this fricking grass and water. No people, no houses. Frisia is a damned shithole."
    W: *giggles*
    E: "What?"
    W: "Very inconvenient, indeed. What do you want to do about it, Sir?"
    E: "Me? You! Build something for me."
    W: "And what exactly."
    E: "I don`t care. A farm. A tower. A dog house. Whatever. But if I don`t see any structure next time I look out of this window, I`ll build a gibbet with my very own hands and invite tenders for a certain permanent position."
    W: *gulp* "Yes, Sir."

    (Will Willem survive despite the fact, that the treasury is blank? Will Frisia become the "dog-house-state"? Read this and more in the next chapter)

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    Frisia, September 21st 1083 (shortly after the death of Count Ekbert)

    Count Ekbert II. van Braunschweig (already known as Ekbert the Cruel, for obvious reasons) sits in a round with the other members of his council, namely Chancellor Amalberga, Steward Ida and Bishop Rudolf.

    E: "So, what`s the state of the realm, pals?"
    I: "Very fine, Sir. Your father managed to develop the country, so we have a regular income from your demesne."
    E: "And the peasants?"
    A: "What about the peasants?"
    E: "Are they content?"
    A: "I`d say, they are happy."
    E: "No laments?"
    A: "Nope."
    E: "No unrest, that might turn into a rebellion I could break in a most bloody way?"
    A: "No, Sir, all is quiet."
    E: "Rats!...But wait...I could change this. If I recall correctly, the Nobles demanded Primae Noctae a few years ago. If I grant it right now, maybe..."
    R: "Ehm, Sir?"
    E: "What?"
    R: "The Nobles don`t want Primae Noctae anymore."
    E: " Why not?"
    R: *turns red* "Well, because...ehm...they found a solution to their problem."

    Ekbert II. didn`t understand, until he noticed, that Bishop Rudolf was ostentatiously rubbing his hands.

    E: "You mean, our Nobility has turned into a bunch of wankers?"
    R: "Well..."
    E: *facepalm*

    Right in this moment, architect Willem Wouters appeared on the scene with a satisfied smile.

    W: "Please excuse the disturbance, Sir, but I have great news."
    E: "And who are you?"
    W: "Willem, Sir."
    E: "Willem the toilet cleaner?"
    W: "No, Sir, Willem the architect."
    E: "Ah, I remember, that my father told you to build something. So?"
    W: "Sir, if you like to look outside..."



    E: "How unthrilling beautiful. And what`s the great news?"
    W: "We are now able to build roads."
    E: "Roads?"
    W: "You know, Sir, these paved ways that make travelling much more comfortable."
    E: "I know what roads are. But I thought, we already have some."
    W: "Just some rotten farm lanes compared to what I have in mind. Here is a drawing."



    E: "What on earth is this."
    W: "Marvellous isn`t it. Okay, it`s a bit expensive. But if 300.000 people use it per day and we fine each of them 1 penny it will pay off in about 10 years."
    E: *looks unbelieving* "300.000? You know, that there are just a few ten thousand people around here who don`t need to travel several times a day?"
    W: "Yes, but my calculation is based on a great economical and population growth these roads will bring."

    Ekbert stood up and put his arm around Willem`s shoulder in a pretty uncommon and sociable way.

    E: "Say, Will, what do you think about Primae Noctae?"
    W: "Oh, Sir, it`s just barbaric and no Lord of sound mind would ever think about granting it."
    E: "So? I think, it`s a great idea. So you think I`m insane?"
    W: *turns pale* "No, Sir...really...I didn`t..."
    E: "GUARDS"



    E: "Finally it turned into a lovely day. But this road thing might be useful. Get me a new architect and build some cheap roads!"

    (Will the new architect have a longer life expectancy than Willem? To what unholy benefit will Ekbert II. use the new roads? Find out in the next chapter.)

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    Heh, funny. Good luck continuing to find inspiration for new jokes!


    When I use this color I am speaking as a Moderator.

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    Frisia, August 13th 1117

    Count Gotthard van Braunschweig (commonly known as `Count Nepotism`) appeared in full (and blood-smeared) armor at the court, where he stumbles across Bishop Wilhelm.

    W: "Where have you been, my liege?"
    G: "Just came back from a crusade, Brother."
    W: "How nice. What is Jerusalem like?"
    G: "We havn`t been in Jerusalem."
    W: "So, Damascus then or Cairo?"
    G: "Nope. It was Lübeck."
    W: "Lübeck?!"
    G: "Yes, my brother, Lübeck is the new this-worldly purgatory, to test our faith in the eternal fight against the forces of evil, represented by hords of muslim infidels.
    W: "Lübeck?"
    G: "Yea, nice city. Before we burned it to the ground, that is."
    W: "Lübeck?"
    G: "Hey, I can`t help it, that ship passages are so darn cheap this season."
    W: "Did you win at least?"
    G: "Sort of. Lübeck is christian again. But Swabia belongs to the heathens."
    W: "But...that`s a catastrophe."
    G: "I`d agree, if it had been Saxony. But face it...Swabia...maybe they will teach them some civilization. Or at least standard german."

    When he finished, Spy Master Alberade van Braunschweig entered the hall.

    G: "Hey, Auntie, how is the business?"
    A: "Great, Sir, when we cleaned the cellar..."
    G: "Cellar?"
    A: "You know, the rooms beneath the ground floor."
    G: "I know. But I never realized we have one."
    A: "Unimportant. When we cleaned it, we found an old document signed by King Heinrich I., that gives us...I mean...that gives you a claim for the County of Osnabrück. Read it."



    G: "May it be, the cellar is a little bit wet?"
    A: "Why do you say that?"
    G: "Well, it seems to me, as if the ink on this quite old-looking document isn`t dry."
    A: *turns red* "Can`t be, Sir."
    G: "Never mind. But please do me a favor and return to the cellar and look, if there is maybe a similar document for the County of Gelre."
    A: "Will do, Sir."
    G: "Maybe I should talk with uncle Otto about this Osnabrück thing."
    A: "Of course. GUARDS. Send for the Marshall."

    (Has history to be rewritten? Shall Frisia be the true birthplace of letterpress printing? And what`s the fate of beautiful Osnabrück? Find out in the next chapter.)

  5. #5
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    A nice start, will you be aiming to make yourself into a Duchy?

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    Hope so. Should be not that much of a problem during the next 300 years.

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    Frisia, December 17th 1150

    Bishop Hermann von Arkel takes a walk through the more or less new build castle, as Count Gotthard von Braunschweig (whose nickname has changed to `Gotthard the Lewd` lately) appears.

    G: "Hermann, good to meet you. I need a wife."
    H: "Ehm, sorry to tell you this, but you are married already and polygamy doesn`t fit that much with the doctrine of our holy church."
    G: "May it be you didn`t notice that my beloved wife has died?"
    H: "Oh...indeed...I`m really sorry. When did it happen?
    G: "I`m not absolutely sure, but about an hour ago."
    H: "..."
    G: "What?!"
    H: "Never mind. But why on earth do you want to marry again so soon?"
    G: "I`m finished mourning."
    H: "After an hour?!"
    G: "And, hey, I`m in the prime of my life."
    H: "You`re 54!"
    G: "And heirs! I`ve only three of them."
    H: "FOUR!"
    G: "Oh, yes, Siegmund. Come on, Manni, you know how things are going. There was this feast and I remember, that I was talking to this maid Sophie. But I really have no clue what happened thereafter."
    H: *looks grim*
    G: *laughs and gives Hermann a push* "Okay, you got me, I remember everything. And, man, it was worth it. Heck, I would have gone to hell and back to have this little cutie. Too bad, she`s married with Konrad. But...well...I could change this."
    H: *looks very grim*
    G: "Jesus, it was a joke. Alright, let`s get down to business. Our task is to find a neat little thing for christmas."

    Fortunately a few days before, Hermann got the latest issue of "Princesses Monthly", the premier journal for nobles who want to get married. Or clerics in need of a little stimulus.

    G: "So, let`s see, what we`ve got."
    H: "Section I: The four B"
    G: "What`s that?"
    H: "Brave blonde bohemian babes."
    G: *giggles* "Would have been something for my great-grandfather. No, I`m looking for something passionate. Mediterranean."
    H: "That would be Section IV: HICUP."
    G: "Bless you!"
    H: "No, it means Hot Italian Chicks upskirt."
    G: "Wheee. Any pics?"
    H: "No, but a few pages descriptions."
    G: "Meh. See, I`m looking for an attractive and charismatic young woman. Shouldn`t be that difficult to find."
    H: "What about her? Giulia de Savoie. 20 years old. Trusting, generous, loves kitten and dancing."
    G: "Hey, I need a woman, not a 20 year old brat."
    H: "Or here. Joscella Moneta. Faithful, forgiving...
    G: "Forgiving! That`s what I`m looking for. Is there a picture?"



    G: "Wow. That`s my girl. But..."
    H: "Sir?"
    G: "You know, Albrecht, my second son, will come into an marriageable age soon. Well, if Joscella isn`t that...convincing...could I pass her to him?"
    H: *looks VERY grim*
    G: "Okayokayokay, I was just asking! As far as I know he preferred green-eyed redheads so far. Christ, this boy`s got taste."
    H: "He`s your picture, Sir."
    G: "Why, thank you. So, where are the redheads?"
    H: "That`s Section VII: Illegitimate Irish. We got a Dubessa O`Connor. Take a look."



    G: "Good choice, Hermann. Alright, we`ll take these two. I want them in our beds tonight."
    H: "But, Sir, they are still in Italy and Ireland."
    G: "Your point being...?"
    H: *sighs* "Yes, Sir."

    (Will Hermann manage to get the two ladies to Frisia a.s.a.p.? Or will Gotthard have to wait a few days and kill time with petty matters like running the realm? Find out in the next chapter.)
    Last edited by Stuckenschmidt; 16-07-2010 at 00:03.

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    Euh... mmm... those ladies have attracted my euh... attention... now I'm going to actually read the AAR...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

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    Well, there`s nothing like a good ad campaign.

    But seriously, nothing major happened the last decades, so I wrote something about the matchmaking. Great system.

    EDIT:

    And I love the internet. Tons of pictures about everything.

  10. #10
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    Frisia, May 3rd 1171

    Count Reinhard van Braunschweig (called Reinhard the Candid by his subjects) is sitting in his chamber, studying documents prepared by his sheriffs concerning different accusations.

    R: "What`s next? Murder, but no evidence. Hm, banishment for lifetime. Next. Heresy. That`s burning for her. I love easy cases. Next. Stealing. Alright, Mutilation then. Let`s see you steal something without hands. Adultery? Oh, and the accused is Guij van Arkel, this fricking faggot, who always beats me at jousting. Maybe I should send him one of these `Did not see you for a long time so you get executed`-Cards." *giggles*

    In this moment Spy Master Brunhilde enters the room with a document.

    R: "Hi, Hilde. What`s the matter?"
    B: "Can you spare me a minute, my liege?"
    R: "Of course, Hilde. The best part of today`s work is already over. Do you remember Guij?"
    B: "You mean this handsome guy, who married Klara von Zähringen?"
    R: "Exactly. I tell you, he`ll lose his head over this marriage." *laughs* "So, what have you brought with you?"
    B: "An old document, that gives you a claim for..."
    R: "NO. Not again! What are you doing? Do you copy these things?"
    B: *turns red*
    R: "Take a look at this Hilde!"

    Reinhard walks to a chest, opens it and throws rolled up documents over his shoulder.

    R: "Gelre, Sticht, Hainaut, Yperen, Chalons, Aargau. Where the heck is Aargau? And finally Spoleto. How on earth is it possible, that a guy in Frisia has a claim for a whole Duchy in Italy? With all these claims I could start my own kingdom."
    B: *looks intimidated*
    R: "Alright, alright, just give it to me."

    Reinhard takes the scroll and reads aloud.

    R: "Blablabla...anno domini 811...blabla...by god`s grace...blabla...Charlemagne declares...blabla...County of Zeeland...bla...what? Zeeland?" *thinks hard* "HILDE!"
    B: "My liege?"
    R: "I need the newspapers from Monday. Now!"
    B: "Here we are, Sir."
    R: *flips through pages* "This is it. Listen. Celebrities: A huge ruckus occurred on a spring feast in the court of Holland, when the infamous 29 year old daughter of the Count of Zeeland was denied admittance, because she wore a dress that showed her ankles. Her father acted immediately and declared the independence of his county due to this affront."
    B: "She showed her ankles...?" *shudders*
    R: "Not that, stupid! Zeeland is no longer part of the Empire. They have no allies, and we have a claim. GUARDS! Call the Marshall, raise an army. This...means...war!"

    Zeeland, August 21st 1171



    Count Reinhard and Marshall Gerlach are standing beside their troops.

    R: *sniffs* "Say, Gerlach, when did you take a bath?"
    G: "Right yesterday, Sir."
    R: "Something stinks to high heaven. Christ, what is this?"
    G: "Just a suggestion, but maybe we should have buried the dead after the battle last week."
    R: "Now that you talk about it..."

    A messenger appears.

    M: "My liege, there is a negotiator from the castle, who wants to hear your conditions for a honorable surrender."
    R: "Finally. Alright: Winner takes it all, loser gets lost. Otherwise beheading for all survivors."
    M: "I`ll tell him."

    One hour later:



    R: "Whoa, a day to beget children. Count of Zeeland, sounds nice. Right now, I`m in the mood to found a kingdom. What do you think about that, Gerlach?"
    G: "Awaiting orders, Sir."

    (Will Reinhard the Candid turn to Reinhard the Conqueror? Will he start a campaign to subdue...ehm...liberate other counties from their oppressive leaders? Find out in the next chapter.)
    Last edited by Stuckenschmidt; 16-07-2010 at 19:52.

  11. #11
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    Sticht, June 26th 1176

    Count Reinhard van Braunschweig (now better known as Reinhard the Conqueror among his neighbors) marches along with Marshal Gerlach ahead of a company of new recruits to reinforce his troops in Sticht, when suddenly three strange women appear.



    G: "Hold, Mylord, see ye these vile creatures, that art half human, half unnatural beings as strange by look as thy most horrible dream canst imagine?"
    R: *looks confused* "Is something wrong with you?"
    G: "Nay, Sire."
    R: "Then speak like a normal person, for heaven`s sake. So, ladies, what`s up?"
    W1: "All hail, Reinhard, hail to thee, Count of Frisia."
    W2: "All hail, Reinhard, hail to thee, Count of Sticht."
    W3: "All hail, Reinhard, that shalt be Duke hereafter."

    R: "Christ, does nobody speak standard english here?"
    G: "Don`t get angry, my good lord, since these women bring so great predictions."
    R: "Predictions?"
    G: "I mean the stuff with you being Duke."
    R: "Wow, that`s only hard to predict for people who live at the Antipodes. First off, I am Count of Frisia already. Secondly everybody knows, that our army came this way three weeks ago. And I`ve got the uncertain feeling, that it`s not been unnoticed by the population, that there was a battle and now a siege in the work here. And since our forces are completely superior, we will win and I`ll become the new Count of Sticht. And thirdly, since the current Count is also the Duke of Gelre, I`ll receive that title too and be the new Duke. And if we waste more time here, we`ll be too late."

    A messenger appears.

    M: "My liege. The Archbishop of Gelre has surrendered. His titles are now yours."
    R: "See? So, ladies, I hope, you`ve got some real predictions for me."

    W1: "Well...uhm...beware Macduff?"
    W2: "And moving woods, if you`re close to Birnam."
    W3: "And the Ides of March too."
    R: "Who the heck is Macduff? Moving woods? And why March, it`s June already. Jesus, you girls are annoying."
    G: "What are we going to do with them?"
    R: "Are you kidding?"



    (Will Reinhard sober down after his social advancement? Or will his way furthermore be paved with blood and burned witches? Find out in the next chapter.)

  12. #12
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    INTERLUDE

    Okay, where have we been? Oh, yes, Count Reinhard and his campaign. Well, it was quite successful. Of course he became Duke, after the slight expansion of his realm.

    But the problems began, when his first son Friedrich died at age 5. His second son died at age 3. Okay, he was a bastard and couldn`t inherit the realm. But he would have done better than his third son Ernst.

    One should keep in mind, that the german word "ernst" means "seriousness". Unfortunately Ernst was one of these guys, who jabber to themselves in the subway, wear their underwear on their heads, talk with the voices inside his head (and get answers) and stuff. Thus, Reinhard decided to alter the succession. Forcefully, that is.

    Fortunately Ernst`s son Baldewin was unlike his father. Okay, he wasn`t a genius, but a nice guy. Too bad, he died quite young due to an illness. But that`s what happens, when people hang around in ill reputed brothels near the harbor too much.

    So his son Ludwig is next. As it seems he will manage to stay alive until his 16th birthday and probably he`ll be a really clever guy. Read more about him in the next chapter.
    Last edited by Stuckenschmidt; 19-07-2010 at 08:56.

  13. #13
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    Ostfriesland, July 25th 1215

    Shortly after his 16th birthday, Duke Ludwig van Braunschweig (whose nickname `Ludwig the Child` is kind of self-explanatory) stands, accompanied by Chancellor Irmgard, at the door sill to his working chamber.

    L: "Finally full aged. So let`s get this thing going, I have a realm to rule." *opens the door* "Hey, nice room. And a pretty desk. So, let`s start ruling. Do we have to decide anything today?"
    I: "If you mind to have a look over there."
    L: *gasps*



    L: "Oh...my...God. Irmgard, what is this?"
    I: "Sir, it`s your workload for today."
    L: "Today? You mean, I get each and every day such a load of documents?"
    I: "On calm days, yes. Shall we begin?"
    L: "Yea, what`s first?"
    I: "Sir, you are still unmarried, and here are a couple of applications to be your bedmate."
    L: *flips through documents* "Too skinny...too chubby...too blonde...eeek, look at these teeth...too blackhaired...oh, a dress with an overprint: don`t panic, I`m islamic...funny, would you please send this to the local inquisitor...hey, this one is nice. Ellymore van Loon.



    L: "Good child-bearing hips, don`t you think?"
    I: "Hard to say, Sir, but if you think so."
    L: "Alright, now that we`re over with this, what`s next?"

    I: "This pile are requests by kids from the court, if they should be a pal with someone in their class."
    L: "Search me! I have no clue. Don`t they know their mind? I guess, I have to write a newsletter to all parents at the court, that they should teach their kids to think for themselves."
    I: "That might be a problem, Sir?"
    L. "How so?"
    I: "There is another pile of requests by the parents, which kind of education they should provide to their kids."
    L: *facepalm* "Is it too much to ask for, that people make their own decisions?"

    I: "Oh, if that`s your desire, you`ll love this pile."
    L: "What is it?"
    I: "Some courtiers demand a little gratification. Otherwise they`ll leave the court."
    L: "Do I need these guys?"
    I: "Not really."
    L: "So please define `a little gratification`."
    I: "About one year`s income of your whole realm."
    L: "WHAT? Are they crazy? I should spend a fortune on useless people? Then I say good riddance to them."
    I: "Before you do so, you should consider, that your prestige among other lords may suffer if they leave."
    L: "This is blackmail!"
    I: "Yes, but what`s a little extortion among friends?"

    L: *sigh* "Next?"
    I: "A letter from the pope."
    L: "The holy father? How nice."
    I: "Not really, he is...ehm...not amused about the performance of your predecessors during the last crusades."
    L: "We never were on a crusade."
    I: "Exactly. Thus he demands, that you enact a law for Church Supremacy in your realm to show your trust in faith."
    L: "Don`t think so."
    I: "Then you get excommunicated."
    L: "Where shall I sign?"

    I: "The next problem is the taxation."
    L: "Why are the taxes a problem?"
    I: " We receive almost none."
    L: "WHAT?! My realm spans from the Schelde river to the West Frisian Isles!"
    I: "Yes, but there are two problems. Number one: Our chancellery lacks the capability to administrate such a vast realm properly."
    L: "Fine, then we`ll delegate some responsibilities. My uncle is a fine man and shall manage one of my counties."
    I: "Sorry, but he can`t be bishop."
    L: "Why on earth should I create a bishopric and let the clerics get richer as they already are?"
    I: "Church Supremacy?"
    L: *double facepalm* "And the second problem?"
    I: "The King`s scutage."
    L: *grins diabolically* "THIS is going to be sweet."

    Brandenburg, August 3rd 1215

    King Sigfried von Franken holds court, as his chancellor Christoffer enters the hall.

    C: "Mylord, here is a letter from the Duke of Gelre and Holland."
    S: "From Ludwig? New to the office and his first thought is writing a letter to me. Such a good boy. So, read it."
    C: "Dear Siggi. Screw you! Sincerely, Ludwig."



    (Will Siggi react to this outrageous act of insubordination? Or is he too busy getting beaten up by the French and Polish? Find out in the next chapter.)
    Last edited by Stuckenschmidt; 19-07-2010 at 20:06.

  14. #14
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    That pile of paper looked like it came from my desk...

    Other than that, nice update(s)...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

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    Crazy Cat Person. Meow! Moderator Qorten's Avatar
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    I agree with Murmurandus, this AAR is highly entertaining!


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  16. #16
    Field Marshal loki100's Avatar
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    brilliant stuff ... just stumbled on this gem of an AAR
    Remember, whatever the question, the answer on 18 September is Yes ...

  17. #17
    Lt. General Stuckenschmidt's Avatar
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    Sticht, November 1st 1244

    Duke Franz van Braunschweig (known as Franz the Candid due to the fact, that one needs cojones in order to deal with him, since he is not known for being self-restraint) is just signing the weekly lot of death warrants, as Chancellor Beatrix rushes in.

    F: "Bea, what`s the fuzz?"
    B: "Pardon, my liege, but there is a french Dominican, who demands to talk to you."
    F: "Demands? Boy, these black friars stress their vow of humility for sure. So, well, bring him here."



    F: "Hi, there. I`m Franz and you are..."
    G: "Gerard Bui."
    F: "Hey, weren`t you the guy who said this `Kill them all` stuff during the Albigensian campaign?"
    G: "No, that was brother Amaury."
    F: "Too bad, but it was fricking cool for one of you holy joes."
    G: "Pardon?"
    F: "Ehm...never mind. So, Gerard, what`s your business?"
    G: "I came here to spread the word about the holy endeavour to liberate Byzantium, the second rome, one of the most sacred cities of christendom, from the bloody and dishonorable hands of the muslim heathens known as Seljuk Turks."
    F: "Pffft. Don`t get me wrong, but if I recall correctly, and I usually do, the crusade was proclaimed in 1224."
    G: "Correct."
    F: "Well, how is this thing progressing?"
    G: *shuffles his feet* "Fine...I guess...I mean...we`re about to start."
    F: "So you thought `By gods fertile loins, let`s start a 20th anniversary promotion tour`, right? How many people have you visited so far?"
    G: "About 30."
    F: "Have you got some positive answers?"
    G: "No...but...they seemed to be very interested." *coughs*
    F: *facepalm* "Alright, I`m not interested. Have a nice journey."
    G: "But...but...it`s Byzantium."
    F: "I`ve got enough problems with Rotterdam getting started. Shall the Turks deal with Byzantium. Guess that`s enough judgement from above."
    G: "But the Turks are heathens."
    F: "I have no quarrel with the Turks. And now get lost." *shoves Gerard towards the door*
    G: "But they suppress the people. They force their very own women to run around like this."



    F: *gazes at the picture* "These infidels will get to know me. Don`t worry, Gerard, I`ll put an end to these vile practices. Personally!"
    G: "Deus lo vult!"
    F: *grins* "I hope so."

    (Will Franz have the opportunity to investigate on these pitiful muslim victims? If so, will his already numerous illegitimate progeny increase? Find out in the next chapter.)
    Last edited by Stuckenschmidt; 21-07-2010 at 00:06.

  18. #18
    Lt. General Stuckenschmidt's Avatar
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    Strait of Gibraltar, October 16th 1245



    Duke Franz van Braunschweig and his Marshal Pieter are standing abord their ship, with Franz leaning noticeable at the railing.

    P: *walks toward Franz and slaps his back* "Isn`t it a great day, Sir?"
    F: *barf*
    P: "On the other hand..."


    Sea of Crete, April 15th 1246

    P: "Sir, it`s lunchtime, do you want to..."
    F: *barf*
    P: "Apparently not."


    At the walls of Byzantium, Juli 25th 1246

    F: "Finally! I thought I had to die on this godforsaken ship. Remind me, that we`re walking home. So this is Byzantium. Cute little village. So let`s get this over with."




    Byzantium, October 15th 1246

    F: "Well, this is it. Byzantium conquered, everything of value plundered and we have nice relics as souvenirs for Bishop Huughe. Look, here is the skull of John the Baptist at age 12."
    P: "But I`m sure John died a lot later than age 12."
    F: "Now that you talk about it...well...maybe a miracle?"
    P: "Must be."

    A messenger appears.

    M: "Sir, I bring a message. Your wife expects a child."
    F: "Hey, that`s great. Although I havn`t been at home for 20 months now. Hm..."
    P: "Another miracle?"
    F: "Seem to happen more frequently here. Speaking of it. Where is this King of the Turks? Let`s sign a peace and get out of here."
    P: "Sir, the King resides in Bagdad."
    F: "You mean, we are stuck here, until a messenger made his way to Bagdad and back?"
    P: "Yes, Sir."
    F: *rolls eyes* "Great. Okay, since we`re already here, let`s see, what`s on the other side of this strait."


    Kyzikos, May 23rd 1247

    Duke Franz steps out of his tent and meets his Marshal.

    F: "This is the life. Conquering, plundering, fraternizing. Never thought of a Crusade being such a great thing. But say...may it be, our camp lost size lately."
    P: "Guess, that`s because of the Holland regiment, Sir."
    F: "Where is it?"
    P: "On their way home."
    F: "Pardon? I didn`t order them to go home."
    P: "Yes, but there was a vote."
    F: "A vote?"
    P: "Yes, I spoke with a witness. They held a vote regarding a voyage home and there were 2.500 votes pro and 1.500 con, so they left."
    F: "And the 1.500 men who voted against it?"
    P: "Bowed to the majority opinion and packed their bags."
    F: "Majority opinion? The only valid opinion here is mine!"
    P: "Oh, I almost forgot. They left a message."
    F: *reads aloud* "Dear Franz, just wanted to say au revoir. Have a nice time and good luck. P.S.: Since Feudalism is outdated, we prefer grass-roots democracy. You`re a nice guy, but on the wrong side of history. Yours sincerely, the Dutchies."


    Byzantium , January 12th 1249

    Duke Franz and Marshal Pieter are sitting in Franz` tent and study a document delivered by chancellor Farva Salah of the Kingdom of Seljuk Turks.

    F: "What does it say."
    P: "In short: Go home and everything`s fine."
    F: "What about Byzantium?"
    P: "What about Byzantium?"
    F: "I mean, we conquered it, so we should be entitled to keep it."
    P: "Guess, he wants to keep it nevertheless. But we already got Kyzikos and Prusa."
    F: "That`s not the point. Our glorious army will hold the ground until he bows before our demands. That`s because our soldiers have virtues."
    P: "Like starvation, typhus and dysentery?"
    F: "How dare you say that!" *stands up and walks toward the exit* "Our soldiers are valorous, well equipped, motivated and..."



    F: "Ah, crap, sign it."

    (Will Franz try again to serve God`s will? Or will he stay home to have an intense talk with the members of a certain democratic party? Find out in the next chapter.)

  19. #19
    Field Marshal loki100's Avatar
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    lovely take on Dutch democratic practices, the only 'problem' I have is when I'm reading your Franz, I can only hear Brian Blessed's voice in my head ... so, where are the hawkmen?
    Remember, whatever the question, the answer on 18 September is Yes ...

  20. #20
    Crazy Cat Person. Meow! Moderator Qorten's Avatar
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    Ah, another twenty year delay shouldn't be a problem for that Crusade. First teach those Dutchies that their little exercise in democracy may have been illigitimate.


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