Gollevainen tells Reko about St. Jesus the Carpenter
He rose up. Something had awakened him. For the first emerging moments he couldn’t sense anything beyond the agony and misery that reigned over him. His whole body was dry… storm raved in his head but gave no rain. His stomach… all the interiors of his guts where on fire. A horde of reindeer marched there.
The smell almost brought the salvaging unconsciousness to end this all… almost. He sighed. Heavily…
It was a knock on the door. It had awoken him. There it was again…
“What?” Gollevainen croaked. His mouth was so dry that no word eventually reached the outer parts of his awareness.
It should have been enough.
“What? For goodness sake…”
But this time his harsh whisper reached outside his little cabin. The knocking stopped. But instead of leaving him into a well earned silence, somebody opened the door. Someone stepped inside.
“Feeling ill?” Dôn said smiling. She sounded like all the well being of human form had condensed into a single being and that being was there just to remind Gollevainen of his own miserable state of affairs.
“Burn in Hellfire!”
“Ah, feeling religious today…?”
“Feeling like a funeral…”
“Well, cordial state of mind never the less…good.”
“Bad…”
*smile*
“The little prince has something he needs from you.”
“Tell him to go to hell…”
“No, we cannot say such things for a tender child, can we? Instead we…or you in matter of fact will need to tell him about religion in wider spectrum.”
“Tell the bishop…”
“We don’t have any bishops.”
“…damnation!”
“Anyways. The boy is not feeling so pious as his station and position requires. We need to do something about this. Since you brought us here, you shall very well put your oar to the water as well: Tomorrow, at this time, you and the prince, religious…you go very religious. Got it?”
“Burn in…”
And the door slammed and left Gollevainen alone in his misery.
*****
Prince Reko of Finland tried to stuff a wooden stick into the ear of his own pet piglet. The Piglet grunted aloud, farted and run away leaving Reko roar in his own amusement. The piglet tried to seek asylum behind Gollevainen’s back but he had no sympathy for their breed.
He threw the poor beast back to his owner’s mercy.
“Hey!” the boy cried and took the animal under his arms.
Gollevainen just stared him …with glance that eventually dried out all resistance.
“God likes pigs. Don’t cram sticks to their ears.”
Instead of obedient submission, the boy just stated: “But you tossed him around.”
“it…not him, it. It’s a pig. God might love pigs. I ate pigs….and I hate pigs.”
“But but…”
“But?”
“But how come I have to follow what god wants and you don’t?”
And again Gollevainen just stared him.
“Someone hadn’t read his fible apparently…”
“Bible…”
“…”
…his fible from the book of….mmm….Jodokus, yeas the second letter by Jodokus to the congregation of Salzburg where in the second verse it says: “…and the lamb said: Thou shall not listen when the Egyptians wants you to push the piglets into the ground when they wallow in the earth. But No, as it is the god’s will!“
“It does not!” The boy cried.
“it does.”
“There is no letters of Jodokus in the bible!”
“There is…”
“There is not!”
And before the boy though he had won the shouting match, Gollevainen rose up and looked tremendous.
It silenced his rebellion and the boy started to cuddle his piglet.
“You don’t know nothing…” he said with half words and bore little grudge towards the old witchdoctor.
“People say that you are pagan.”
“Oh they do?”
“Yeah. And that you know nothing about Jesus Christ or about the virgin mother.”
“I don’t?”
“Yes.”
“I see…”
And the boy tried to seek cover behind his own little piglet’s back when Gollevainen approached, but just when he was about to grab him, the door opened.
Dôn entered the room.
And Behold: On Seventh day after the Space Rhinos of Mercury had left the earth and left behind wide variety of cosmic toiletry for rich people's pleasure. Indifferent letters 2:12
“And how are we doing here?” She asked.
“Fine aren’t we?”
And the boy made his best to look hopeless victim, Gollevainen grinned his best innocent’s grin and the piglet run away to sniff around Dôn fine silk dress.
“We were just discussing about our lord and savior right here when you entered the room.”
“Oh, were you?”
“Yeas…”
“Well perhaps an outsider like me wouldn’t mind to hear little Word from the holy scripts.”
“Yes!”
And the boy’s victorious cry made Dôn to enter the room properly and sat between them two in the bed. Reko sought immediate cover under Dôn’s feet, sitting on the floor and grinning fiercely towards Gollevainen.
“Mmm…where were we…”
“No, a water-daemon, a mermaid-cross dresser!”Jodokus 4:24-25
“Behold! The story of St. Jesus the Carpenter.
In the year 651 after the birth of the cross shaped fish whose mother had been forgiven the sin of adultery, by his holy delivery of the first bishop of Rome. (Gollevainen wasn't sure if he recalled the details correct but keeping up confidence despite having no idea what he was talking about was one of his good traits)
In that year the Carpenter in the city of Damasks resigned and left the poor citizens without gifted carpenter to repair and renew their furniture. Deep was their tribulations and they wept to the city council for hiring a new carpenter for the job. But the city council was filled with heathen Saracens who see now use of furniture as their customs forbid the stools and kept tables as incarnation of their desert-demons.
Therefore the citizens ride into nearby city of...hmm...(geography wasn't Gollevainen's prime either.) ...Leipzig and they asked whether they could spare a carpenter. And behold! The city of Leipzig was well known of their 12 carpenters.
The Leipzigers took their neighbors words into thinking and when no conclusion was reached, the holy book of the cross-shaped fish was brought up...hmm....the fible? Yes, the fible. And they opened the holy Fible and there it was written: 'The fifth commandment: Thou shall not send your carpenter into a nearby town, as it’s not good to keep similar shaped stools in every hall where the holy breakfast of fish and chips is held to praise the God...and his sacred pet, the cross-shaped fish.'
Therefore the Leipzig could not help the poor people of Damask. So they thought to themselves, where shall we go? Who shall help us? And then the wise man of forgotten name spoke: 'To the east, where sun is different and wild pigeons have gold hidden in their nest. There we shall ask council from the pagan overlords and to send us a carpenter who is not bound by the inscriptions of the holy fible!'
So then they went to the east and find the tent of pagan overlord who weighted their request against his own need of skilled carpenters, and behold! The pagan overlord said: 'We shall held a competition of the most unskilled and poorest carpenter of my reign, and The winner I shall declare surplus and give to your service instead of feeding him for the angry weasels that waits outside my tent....you can hear those whispering my name....'
And the competition was held and the winner was a man named Jesus. He was so shoddy artisan that he couldn't even held the plane straight in his hands. And thought the people of Damask felt dubious, they accepted him as their new carpenter.
In their way back home, huge storm of unnatural origin strike upon them. And in their shaking tent they feared that the death should come and the angry god would strike them down for hiring a pagan carpenter. So they decided to hold the holy breakfast for the glory of the heavens and for that they eat fish and lamp.
But then they got into a theological quarrel as was it not written that the god was rather specific of using table in the holy fish-breakfast? And in the middle of desert sand, they had no tables of what so ever. Then all eyes turned into Jesus the carpenter. And Behold! He worked miracles as he took one bisque and seven carrots and turned them into a table so beautiful that even the desert lizards came to watch it and abandoned their worshiping of Satan and became good cross-believers.”
