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Thread: Unhinged Loons: A Tag-hopping ARR

  1. #1

    Unhinged Loons: A Tag-hopping ARR

    Greetings fellow fans of EU3! After thousands of hours of playing EU3 and hundreds of posts on this forum I've decided to write my own AAR. But what should I write about, thats the question.

    Someone suggested, a while back, that it would be fun to play a game where you constantly change nations, moving your capital at will and switching cultures like you just don't care. I tried a test game and found it to be very interesting and more than a little funny.

    So, I decided to start a game with the goal of creating every single nation it is possible to form. It turns out that small nations, such as Ireland and the Netherlands are the hardest to form, since they have so few provinces in their primary culture, so I'm going for those first. I'm starting as France so I don't have to bother building up a smaller nation into a powerhouse, I can get started with the tag-hopping ludicrousness right away!

    So, my plan right now (liable to change at any time without prior notice): France - Ireland - Netherlands - Great Britain - France (again!) - Spain - Italy - Prussia - Germany - Russia - Scandinavia - Persia - Mughal Empire.

    The only problem I foresee is that you cannot change from Persia to the Mughal Empire, so I'm planning on creating the Glorious Nation of New York and sticking that in between them, although I have no idea how to go about creating a new nation... It should be fun

    If anyone else sees any issues with my lineup, please let me know so I can change my plans now.

    Oh, and let me know if I missed anyone. We practice a strict "No nation left behind" policy!

    Index:
    Charles "The Odd" Bourbon Part 1 (France)
    Charles "The Odd" Bourbon Part 2 (France)
    Luis "The Loony" Bourbon Part 1 (France)
    Luis "The Loony" Bourbon Part 2 (France)
    Luis "The Loony" McBourbon Part 3 (France -> Ireland)
    Luis "The Loony" McBourbon Part 4 (Ireland)
    Luis "The Loony" McBourbon Part 5 (Ireland -> England)
    Turlough "The Crazy" McBourbon and Mary "The Mad" McBourbon (England -> Great Britain)
    Anne "The Insane" Bourbono Part 1 (Great Britain -> Italy)
    Anne "The Insane" Bourbono Part 2 (Italy)
    Anne "The Insane" Bourbono Part 3 (Italy)
    Anne "The Insane" Bourbono Part 3 (Italy)
    Eugenio "The Strange" Bourbono (Italy)
    Francesco "The Bizzare" van Bourbon Part 1 (Italy -> Netherlands)
    Francesco "The Bizzare" van Bourbon Part 2 (Netherlands)
    Lodewijk "The Psychopathic" von Bourbon Part 1 (Netherlands)
    Lodewijk "The Psychopathic" van Bourbon Part 2 (Netherlands -> Prussia)
    Willem "The We're-Running-out-of-Synonyms-for-Crazy" van Bourbon (Prussia -> Germany)
    Willem "The We're-Running-out-of-Synonyms-for-Crazy" van Bourbon (Germany -> Spain)
    Willem "The We're-Running-out-of-Synonyms-for-Crazy" Bourbono (Spain)
    Sancho "The Weird" Bourbono (Spain)
    Sancho "The Weird" Bourbono (Spain -> Russia)
    Francisco "I de Paula" Bourbonzki (Russia -> France)
    Robert "The Silly" Bourbonson (France -> Scandinavia)
    Robert "The Silly" bin Bourbon (Scandinavia -> Persia)
    Haidar "The Crazed" bin Bourbon (Persia -> Papal State -> Mughal Empire)
    Niku-siyar "The Unhinged" bin Bourbon (Mughal Empire)
    Caesar Niku-siyar "The Unhinged" Bourbon (Mughal Empire -> Byzantine Empire)
    Last edited by sjones25; 30-07-2010 at 04:26.

  2. #2
    Not a Turk Chamboozer's Avatar
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    Aren't the ottomans formable? Maybe i'm thinking of a mod.

    Either way, this looks like it's going to be fantastic.
    پادشاه عالم پناه

  3. #3
    aren't the ottomans formable?
    I don't think so, at least, not in IN.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Without further ado, allow me to introduce King Charles IV, King of France, probably the most powerful man in Europe, and certifiably insane...

    Charles: I want to be Irish, they have all the fun, up there on their crappy little island with all their lager or whatever they drink.

    Adviser: Sire, you are unmistakably French, no one will ever believe you are Irish. Plus, we don't own a single province in Ireland, nor do we want to, the whole island is kind of poor, wet, and, well, crappy.

    Charles: Ha, FIRED! Next!

    Adviser2: Sire?

    Charles: I want plans drawn up for an immediate invasion of Ireland.

    Adviser2: Ireland sir?

    Charles: NOW!

    Adviser2: Of course... your highness.

    Charles: Your Highness is supposed to be capitalized! Someone behead this man at once!

    Ireland 1399:

    Unfortunately (and despite King Charles' insistence) France can't simply declare war on the little Irish Duchies for no reason, so I warn all of them. I probably should have guaranteed them instead, but I wasn't thinking.


    Ha! Burgundy's getting its butt kicked by Bohemia as always. Classic Burgundian blunder. When will they learn.

    After waiting around for literally months for something to happen in Ireland, Charles comes up with a diabolical plot.

    Charles: You there, woman!

    Princess: I'm your daughter.

    Charles: Perfect. Find yourself a boat and go marry the Duke of Tyrone! At once!

    Princess: Tyrone... thats in Ireland right? I guess that'll be far enough away from you... And you promise you'll never come to visit?

    Charles: Why would I ever want to go to Ireland? *Maniacal laughter*



    Several days later:


    Charles: I'm the rightful king of Tyrone! You impostor! Hand over your throne immediately!!!

    Despite the poor Duke of Tyrone sending his throne to France in his fastest possible ship, France quickly invaded and annexed his small Duchy. And their foolish allies, the Bretons are turned into French slave-warriors, I mean loyal vassals, of course!

    Munster, unsurprisingly, rejects our most generous offers of Royal Marriage (as does our princess, but thats not really important). Luckily, France has gotten its first spy and guess where he's headed:


    Charles: We must free Ireland from the evil Munsters!

    Then disaster strikes: England declares war on Connacht.


    And quickly annexes them. Oh well, we were going to have to fight them anyway.

    On the plus side, we don't even have to move our forces to Munster, our vassals defeat the Munstrous armies and besiege their fortress.

    England gets gready, which is probably good for us, really. Now we don't have to take the BB for annexing them.


    General: Well Your Magisty, we've finally annexed Munster. It took our vassals forever to finally storm their fortress.

    Charles: Yes, see that someone gets beheaded for making me wait. Now its time to handle England don't you think?

    General: *Thinks for a moment* Yes sire, they do hold the vital port of Calais as well as most of our western coastline. Now might be the perfect time to beat them out of France for good.

    Charles: What are you talking about man? They hold more than half of Ireland! We must free Ireland from their tyrannical rule and replace it with my own tyrannical rule! 'The western coast of France', indeed! Who cares about the western coast of France?!?

    DOWed!


    Well... where'd England get an army like that?

    I cleverly attacked England when all of their forces were in France and Ireland. They left their mainland completely undefended. So the forces I had previously snuck into Scotland would have free reign of their homeland.


    After spending a few months besieging the scorched province of Perigord, the main English stack is ready for a pounding.


    The Englishmen fall before the might of the French army, which isn't hard when they're half-dead from starvation already. The small English garrison in Ireland is also defeated and both armies are chased down and wiped out. Sieges are started in English-held France and Ireland.

    Time to check on the invasion of England itself... bugger.


    The little invasion army is wiped out in a single battle. We can't launch any more invasion forces since the English fleet controls the Channel.

    Before a single siege can finish in Ireland, more English forces arrive.


    The brave Scots, seeing their age-old enemy in a tough spot, take a page from MorningSIDEr's playbook and take a cowardly stab at England's back. Good job guys, Auld Alliance FTW!

    England, faced by a real three-pronged attack, decide its time to call it quits.


    Not likely guys.

    Thanks to the Scottish Distraction Force, our brave troops in Ireland manage to take two provinces and once again throw the English armies into the sea.


    Ha! Noobs.

    What!?!


    Cowards and traitors, the lot of you!!!

    As we finaly finish the siege of Meath, English forces start turning up in droves. They're a bit battered though, I think the English manpower is hurting now.


    France now controls all of England's possessions in Ireland and mainland Europe. Time for peace.

    Oh.


    Come on guys, really?

    Thanks for reading and be sure to tune in next time for the conclusion of the War of Irish Liberation and other amusing shenanigans.
    Last edited by sjones25; 23-04-2010 at 02:24.

  4. #4
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sjones25 View Post
    Charles: Your Highness is supposed to be capitalized! Someone behead this man at once!
    Mass beheadings, manical laughter, insane plans and a healthy dose of warfare; I'm liking Charles IV's style!

    Excellent start, I am very much subscribed and looking forward to this. Fantastic concept as well!
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  5. #5
    Hypothetical Hegemon JDMS's Avatar
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    Hmm. Interesting goals and an interesting style.
    Subscribed.
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  6. #6
    Caramelised Utopian tuore's Avatar
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    An ARR?

    Looks interesting, I'll be following.
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  7. #7
    Captain theconfusedone's Avatar
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    Nice goals for this "ARR" :P
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  8. #8
    Lt. General
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    Quote Originally Posted by sjones25 View Post
    The only problem I foresee is that you cannot change from Persia to the Mughal Empire
    PER -> PAP -> MUG

    Persia will turn you into a Theocracy, at which point you annex the Papal States, and turn into them yourself. You can then form the Mughal Empire as the Papal States. I believe you'll have to do the requisite culture shift prior to the annexation, I seem to recall a limitation on culture shifts as PAP. It might only be a HTTT thing though. You can also do the PER -> PAP -> PER never ending loop if you want, although it's *really* gamey.

  9. #9
    You're also missing Byzantine

  10. #10
    Second Lieutenant Surume's Avatar
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    What was the post in which you saw this idea for your AAR? I recall posting something like that in the past.
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  11. #11
    @ tuore and theconfusedone: Yes... of course its an ARR... I thought everybody knew that ARR... stands for... um... Another... Reportful... Report?.........

    So, does anyone know how to edit the title of a thread?

    @lordkestrel: An excelent plan, and just crazy enough to fit perfectly into this AAR! I think I would have to annex or vassalize all other Catholic theocracies (while I'm not a theocracy) in order to make sure I'm the new pope, which will be fun

    @blitzkerig0: Ah yes, thank you. I can't forget the Byzantines! I also realized that I forgot England, which I will form right before I form Britain. I'll probably stick the Byzantines in right before Persia.

    @Surume: I really don't remember where I first saw the idea, it was months ago.

    So, here's my new plan:
    France - Ireland - England - Great Britain - Netherlands - France - Italy - Spain - Prussia - Germany - Russia - Scandinavia - Byzantine Empire - Persia - Papal State - Mughal Empire

    Whew! Well I better get started

  12. #12
    When last we left our stalwart heroes (and by "stalwart heroes" I mean pack of French pansies) they were fighting the glorious War of Irish Liberation whereby the French king Charles IV was seeking to replace the evil tyrannical rule of the evil tyrannical English with the far superior, though no less tyrannical, rule of France.

    The French forces in Ireland were being pummeled by boatloads of English troops, while the majority of the French forces were stranded in France by the English fleet. A new strategy had to be employed, and fast.

    Charles: What are all these men doing just standing around?

    Commander: Well, we're waiting for the English counter-attack, I suppose...

    Charles: What's this crap about waiting around? And who are you anyway? Where's my general?

    Commander: You sent your general off to Ireland and we haven't heard from him since. He probably died since we haven't been able to get any support to them through the English navy. We basically have 10000 knights stranded in Ireland against the entire English army.

    Charles: Well, that sounds like a tough spot, why don't you go help him?

    Commander: How? The English fleet is between him and us.

    Charles: We have a fleet as well, don't we? To glorious combat!

    Commander: I can't see this ending well...

    Charles: HEY NAVY GUY!!! Launch your fleet into The Channel!

    Commodore: You can't be serious. We're no match for-

    Charles: NOW!!!

    Commodore: *Sigh* Yes sire.

    So the French fleet of 8 big ships and a couple galleys reluctantly put out to sea. The English navy, who were getting quite bored by this point, jumped at the chance to finally engage their foes.

    Charles: Perfect. Now get your men on the transports waiting at Calais and head on over to the English mainland.

    Commander: This is so crazy it just might work. Come on men, we're taking the fight to the English.

    The English fleet was so busy bludgeoning the French warships from one side of The Channel to the other, that they didn't notice the 5 little French cogs that were hurriedly ferrying men across to Kent.

    Before the English knew it, 15000 of France's best men were surrounding the fortress of Kent.

    The French forces quickly found that the English mainland was completely devoid of troops and started to spread out to siege.


    They just as quickly realized that the English mainland was, in fact, not completely devoid of troops, it was just devoid of English troops. Corny rebels had already taken Cornwall and half of Wales and English peasants rampaged through the countryside. A large mob rose up in Kent, demanding an end to the ongoing war with France. To show their displeasure at the English monarch, they attacked and decimated the small French siege unit that was just about to take the fortress. They also rose up and attempted to break the siege of Gloucester, but were beaten back.

    Charles: Ha! English peasants are almost as stupid and annoying as the French ones!



    Charles: Hmm, I could see this place being my capitol someday!

    Castile decides to way in.


    Charles: Oh Castile, why can't you just wait your turn. I'll pay a visit to your lovely country soon, don't be such a pouter. Its not like I was trading in your little CoT anyway. HEY YOU WOMAN!

    Princess: Daughter!

    Charles: Whatever!

    Princess: *Sigh* What do you want now Dad?

    Charles: Get down to Spain and see if you can patch things up with Castile. We don't want them backstabbing us in the middle of our war.



    Turns out the princess didn't even offer to marry anyone, she just begged the King of Castile to dethrone her father before he destroyed France and/or the world. The King of Castile promised that he would consider it as soon as he finished up with his never-ending war with Morocco.


    Nice! Thanks guys. I guess they finally saw the light and picked the winning side!


    The war in England was finally winding down. France controlled the vast majority of the cities and castles, while peasants and Corns(which is what Charles decided residents of Cornwall all called) rampaged through the countryside.

    England agreed to peace.


    Charles: What should we ask for guys?

    Adviser: Well Calais is a given, we could probably also take the province they hold over in Western France and then get some rich English lands as well.

    Charles: Ha! You're so dumb, how'd you get to be my adviser. Who wants Calais or French lands when we can have all of Ireland!?!

    Adviser: But my Liege, these provinces are our core lands! You must take them.

    Charles: Hmm. I must, must I? I think you misunderstand your job. You are here to give me crappy advice that I ignore out of hand, I'm the one who makes the stupid decisions that make everyone scratch their heads at. Got it?

    Adviser: I guess so, sire.

    Charles: Good. Someone behead him. Now where were we...



    Here's a map showing the aftermath of the victorious War of Irish Liberation. The Irish people themselves are still wondering about the actual amount of liberation that was accomplished.



    Cornwall declares independence, launching a true war of liberation.



    The Corny troops quickly storm fortress after fortress, rampaging across England. Soon most of the country is colored all pink-stripy.

    The province of Calais defects to France and the province down in Western France defects to Armagnac.

    And England is finally forced to recognize the Corns total victory.


    Charles: HA! HA!

    Adviser: Excellent! If we can make friends with the new Cornish king of England, our British lands will be secure forever.

    Charles: I'm not going to be friends with any stupid pinko Corny king. You know what we should do?


    Charles: Prepare to die Corns!



    This was pretty much the only battle of the war. The Corny forts began to fall as quickly as they had taken them from the English when suddenly


    Entire nation of France: The King is dead! Wohoo! France is saved! Surly our new king will be a wise and just ruler, rather than that madman Charles.

    Luis: What is the meaning of this party? Shouldn't you all be morning for the loss of your former king? Guards! Behead all these people!

    OH NOES!!!

    France gets a quick surrender from Cornwall:


    Luis: The dream of my father will be realized, London will one day be our capitol!

    Here's a world map. Not much strange going on yet, besides the Corny pinkness of England. Notice the large Hungry and Castile still hasn't managed to take anything from Morocco.

  13. #13
    In Hiding dinofs's Avatar
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    Nooooo! Not Charles! Well, at least Louis promises to be just as good a leader as his father.
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  14. #14
    Hypothetical Hegemon JDMS's Avatar
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    Hmm, I can't say that I've ever seen Cornwall annex England. Well at least it gives you an easy opponent in the British Isles.
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  15. #15
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Charles IV dead?! No! Louis XI just as insane? Excellent.

    I'm quite flabbergasted by Cornwall's annexation of England, epic stuff. Very good gains and a very good update.
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  16. #16
    @dinofs and morningSIDEr: Yes Charles IV was indeed an excellent and inspired leader. One can only hope that he had enough time to properly instruct his son in all his leadership skills.

    @JDMS and morningSIDEr: I've seen Cornwall, Wales, and York annex England before. They seem to be especially prone to being annexed by their little revolvers in my game. I once saw Wales rise up, annex England, conquer Scotland and form Great Britain with Welsh as the primary culture! The Corns have proved to be an easy opponent in this game, it might have something to do with them being pink... (it can't possibly be because I jumped them right after their war with England and took their best provinces)
    Last edited by sjones25; 30-06-2010 at 22:16.

  17. #17
    Luis: So... still waiting on those Irish cores. Anybody else getting sick of being French? I know I am.

    Soooooooooo bored... Hey I know, lets go kick the crap out of some little Dutch punks! This guy's been excommunicated, everybody get him!


    The Dutch Coalition team up with the HRE, Bohemia, to attempt to stop Luis' rampant and seemingly random expansionism.


    This shouldn't take long.



    Bohemia bails on the poor Dutch Coalition, leaving them to face the full wrath of France's armies.

    Sorry Dutch, game over!


    But why did the Emperor leave the war so soon?


    He was busy beating on the poor Burgundians for something stupid they did, again!

    Luis: From now on, people of Burgundy will be referred to as Burguntards in all official reports and documents. Catchy right? RIGHT!?!

    So Zeeland is absorbed into France and both Holland and Brabant become vassals.

    The Electors are finally sick of Bohemia's utter incompetence at protecting them and bizarre obsession with beating the crap out of Burgundy. The Empire needs a true leader. A military powerhouse that can keep the crazy French at bay, halt Milan's expansionism in Italy, and guard against the rising power of Poland. To that effect they pick the mighty, unstoppable, sprawling Kingdom of..... Cleaves.


    Luis: HA! Your all screwed.

    Meanwhile, weird things are happening in the east.


    The old Byzantine Empire, which everyone had written off as being doomed to fall to the Ottoman hordes had not only survived, but resurged, uniting most of Greece under their banner. Bulgaria, once a small, poor people chaffing under Ottoman rule had risen up and overthrown the Ottoman Empire, installing a new Bulgarian king who now ruled most of the Balkans and Anatolia.

    This happens every few years:


    I guaranteed the Pope for a while, but I really couldn't project power down into southern Italy, so they kept DoWing anyway. Naples always conquers Rome, asks for a few ducats and leaves. They wait for the truce to expire and then the whole thing starts all over. If you want Rome, just take it already!

    Ha! The Burguntards are at it again


    I was trying to diplomatically vassalize Nevers, so I formed an alliance with them. What was Burgundy thinking?

    Burgundy brings an impressive force against Nevers

    But it is no match for the French army.

    With Burgundy's army gone, the French forces spread out to siege.


    Burgundy is utterly defeated.


    Bulgaria proves to be incapable of holding together a diverse kingdom of Bulgarians, Greeks, and Turks.


    Most of their Greek lands rejoined the Byzantines. Anatolia is split up among several small, Turkish states, each of them claiming to be the successor to the Ottoman Empire.

    Luis: Hey, there's this little guy in Cleaves that says he's an Emperor and he thinks thats cooler than being a King. I want to be the Emperor of France!

    Adviser: But we aren't an Empire, only Empires have Emperors.

    Luis: Well I proclaim that we are now an Empire! And I'm the Emperor! We'll call it the Luisonian Empire! Catchy right? RIGHT?!?

    Adviser: Ummm... how about the French Empire?

    Luis: Boring.


    Luis: What!?! I said Luisonian Empire! I even made up a cool flag with dragons and awesome majesty and beefy arms! The French Empire, bah! Who like France? Someone's getting beheaded over this!!

    The Irish finally notice that they were not "liberated" at all by the conquests of Charles IV. So they decide to do some liberating of their own.


    Umm... Burgundy? Really?


    Well, we now have our own Burguntard vassals.


    Cornwall collapses! An excess of pinkness is determined to be the cause of the collapse.


    The Corny Collapse was not as too bad. Their Corny little kingdom remains largely intact.


    The tiny new English kingdom looks ripe for invasion, since England will be our next tag once we finally become Ireland. But thats for next time.

  18. #18
    Lt. General
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    I'm really looking forward to seeing how you pull this off. I guess you'll just have hordes of vassals to protect you while you shed wrong-culture unneeded provinces?

    Also, if you turn all the electors into vassals, you could be the completely unhinged HRE emperor.

  19. #19
    Always nice to see Byzantines and Bulgaria doing so well. Only time I've tried releasing vassals was in a Burgundian game long ago to switch cultures. Best of luck with switching to Ireland and beyond.
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  20. #20
    Hypothetical Hegemon JDMS's Avatar
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    Wow, I've never seen the OE collapse so early.
    Your switch should be interesting. Good luck.
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