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Thread: Tales from our Faarthers

  1. #221
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loki100 View Post
    Oh I’m slowly training up a small squad of demons who will infest major cities about 800 years from now and we’ll lure humans into installing these things in their houses.
    What? You mean it was actually a demon who managed to trick me into getting the avacado bathroom installation?! Well I still think its stylish...

    Brilliant update, always nice to see how poor Harry will come a cropper.
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  2. #222
    Quote Originally Posted by morningSIDEr View Post
    What? You mean it was actually a demon who managed to trick me into getting the avacado bathroom installation?!
    You're banned from mentioning the 80's again. (infact can we get a forum ban on mentioning the 80's plzkthxbai)
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  3. #223
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    Quote Originally Posted by KaiserMuffin View Post
    You're banned from mentioning the 80's again. (infact can we get a forum ban on mentioning the 80's plzkthxbai)
    so, you want the forum to stream the Go Gos and hair bands whenever you're on?

  4. #224
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    ...aaaaand now I'm imagining "A Finnish Rurikid in Allfather Odin's Court."

    Bloody brilliant.
    May my Lady be the last thing you see before your end and the first thing you see after it.

  5. #225
    Field Marshal loki100's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stuyvesant View Post
    Harry is really turning into the protagonist of this story, isn't he? I mean, the Rurikovichs are a bunch who vary from somewhat-endearing-yet-idiotic to utterly-psychotic-and-idiotic, but Harry's a reliable constant: always scheming, always failing.

    Perhaps he'll get a measure of revenge from dealing with Gabi, but given the way Gabi's outsmarted him in the past, I am more inclined to expect yet more disappointment for Harry from his barbecue shenanigans.
    Its odd how sometimes AARs find their voice as you go on. I sort of imagined this as being a set of renditions by each king with some prompting and a final judgement. I can now see how I could write it with scant regard to what actually happens in the game.

    Anyway the barbecue has a starring role in the next update. I've written two reports this week, designed a survey-monkey questionnaire and Boris has finally died.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    The first Finn in Walhalla?
    Quote Originally Posted by KaiserMuffin View Post
    Haha. Yes, perfect.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sophilia View Post
    ...aaaaand now I'm imagining "A Finnish Rurikid in Allfather Odin's Court."Bloody brilliant.
    Well I have a serial killer running amok somewhere in heaven so a Finn disturbing all those manly norse drinking games seems a small deviation from the known realities of the afterlife

    Quote Originally Posted by morningSIDEr View Post
    What? You mean it was actually a demon who managed to trick me into getting the avacado bathroom installation?! Well I still think its stylish...
    Quote Originally Posted by KaiserMuffin View Post
    You're banned from mentioning the 80's again. (infact can we get a forum ban on mentioning the 80's plzkthxbai)
    Quote Originally Posted by naggy View Post
    so, you want the forum to stream the Go Gos and hair bands whenever you're on?
    I wonder if I can work in the idea of torturing the damned by exposure to prog rock, and thus complete the 70s/80s horror show being slowly constructed in Hell? Genesis on permanent loop?

    Quote Originally Posted by morningSIDEr View Post
    always nice to see how poor Harry will come a cropper.
    I've sort of got Dick Dasterdly from Wacky Races in mind with Harry at the moment - lots of cunning schemes that fall apart right at the end.

  6. #226
    Annoyingly I like some prog... If you want to wind me up, put Falco on or something.
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  7. #227
    Field Marshal loki100's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KaiserMuffin View Post
    Annoyingly I like some prog... If you want to wind me up, put Falco on or something.
    ah you want a personal service approach to damnation as opposed to the public service one size fits all

  8. #228
    Field Marshal loki100's Avatar
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    Boris II: A summary of his miseries

    Scene 1: A small room in the main Courthouse

    The two clerks are sitting working through the immense set of files connected with Boris. Ukko sits chained to his bench, looking rather bored.

    How far have you got?

    Only up to 1205. I mean does he really have to report every church he built?



    Wonder what the high heidin’s will make of him?

    Aye it does seem pretty straightforward really, mind you he did seem to have an awful lot of bad luck

    Scene 2: The barbecue pit in Hell

    Harry is lounging by the side of his unlit, waterlogged barbecue pit. Gabi stands nearby, his robe is rather singed. Harry is drunk and maudlin.

    Astarte, come over here ... you’re my only real friend you know?

    Well maybe you shouldn’t have squashed Beelzebub

    But its so frustrating, I mean here we are in hell and I can’t even find a builder who can construct a decent barbecue. Who would have thought that hell had a problem with being water logged.

    Anyway do you think we handled Boris the right way?

    Not sure, we’ll have to see, but, … it was a lot more fun.

    Yes but I’m not sure that making their lives a misery whilst they are alive quite compensates for not being able to torment them for all eternity.

    But then, there he was trying to be noble and pious, and all this was going on instead.

    We almost convinced his wife to leave him after less than 6 months marriage



    And again a few years later



    We did do a really good job on his vassals



    We finally got to his bishop



    We even convinced his mother to rebel



    Don’t you think burning the church was a bit blatant though?



    Ah but what fun …

    And then there was that incubus thing



    And did he really believe that stuff about the Holy Grail?



    Twice?



    Was Harry the cause of all Boris' problems. Will his new approach of tormenting the Rurikovich's whilst they are alive work out any more successfully? Is realm duress really that much of a problem?

    Last edited by loki100; 19-05-2010 at 21:40.

  9. #229
    Field Marshal Stuyvesant's Avatar
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    Definitely an A for effort. Not so sure about the payoff for eternity, but hey, at least Harry was enjoying himself.

    Unlike his barbecue adventures - not being able to light a fire in the pit of Hell must count as an all-time low.

    The bit where the chaplain was enjoying his orgies too much... Shades of Rasputin?

  10. #230
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    Quote Originally Posted by loki100 View Post
    Is realm duress really that much of a problem?
    In a realm ruled by a Rurikovich? Yes, I rather think so! Cracking stuff, a waterlogged barbecue makes me think of setting up my own sorry effort in the back garden...
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  11. #231
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    How many wives have you so far beheaded?

  12. #232
    Field Marshal loki100's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stuyvesant View Post
    Definitely an A for effort. Not so sure about the payoff for eternity, but hey, at least Harry was enjoying himself.

    Unlike his barbecue adventures - not being able to light a fire in the pit of Hell must count as an all-time low.

    The bit where the chaplain was enjoying his orgies too much... Shades of Rasputin?
    I was surprised at the sex mad bishop, I thought I'd only appointed the celibate true believers during this particular reign. But yes you must be right, he's only setting up the precedents and standards for future generations.

    Quote Originally Posted by morningSIDEr View Post
    In a realm ruled by a Rurikovich? Yes, I rather think so! Cracking stuff, a waterlogged barbecue makes me think of setting up my own sorry effort in the back garden...
    I was wondering when one of them would be so bonkers as to trigger realm duress. I get the impression its not a proper CK AAR till you've had a least one, but in reality it wasn't too bad, as you'll see from the next update I'd lost 3 of the principalities at the end ... but it all got so much worse when 'mummy' got a bit angry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    How many wives have you so far beheaded?
    I think I'm on two executions and one casual murder (Kettu, who else), so not too bad

  13. #233
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    Boris II: tieing things up neatly in knots

    Scene 1: Ante-Chamber to the Courtroom

    Present: Ukko is making himself useful helping out the two clerks

    Thanks for letting me do something, you know its really very boring sitting chained to a bench for over 60 years.

    Well given the sheer amount of paperwork that Boris has created we need all the help we can get … just remember to put the shackles back on if one of that lot turn up.

    Ok, well I think I’ve finished up the injured marshall file, you know, even by the family standards he was rather careless. Not only that, he forgot the idea was to get your generals damaged so that you stay intact.

    So what I’ve done is to separate out his personal damage from the others
    :






    ummh, wonder if it was the same leg each time, wonder if he has a bit of a wobble?

    And the rest













    That’s really useful, Ukko thanks, for some reason the court likes that part of the file.

    Now, have we sorted out his wars.

    Yep looks like we can divide them into:

    The War of Southern Expansion, 1194-95:

    Seems he started by attacking the Crimea



    And then moving to complete his grab of the area around Azov:







    My that is an impressive looking map (side note - the dark green is the realm).

    Aye Ukko, better than you managed

    There’s then a quiet period with just a few small wars around Kiev, we think he was planning to attack the Qara-khanid again

    Civil War: 1198-1201

    That then seemed to set off a massive revolt across the South as his realm fell apart, and it spread to Estonia

    So he was left with



    Still not too bad, so he’s lost Azov, Kiev and Estonia.

    That was then followed by the:

    War of the Rebellious Mummy 1202-1205

    Which left him with:



    Reconquests 1207-1210

    Which started with Beloozero and ended with Kiev






    And finally:

    The war he inherited from Mummy 1213-1215





    That’s a neat file

    Well lets see what they all make of it, wonder what his defence will be?

    Having been the victim of Harry's games while he was alive, is Boris now doomed for eternity? What was it between him and his mummy? Was he really very careless with his marshalls?

    Last edited by loki100; 24-05-2010 at 15:30.

  14. #234
    Black Hound of Han Enewald's Avatar
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    You ought to have more and weaker vassals. Those areas of revolts are too insane.

  15. #235
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    Reincarnate Mummy, so you can have The Mummy Returns.

  16. #236
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loki100 View Post
    That’s really useful, Ukko thanks, for some reason the court likes that part of the file.
    I certainly like it! It still beggars belief that the Rurikovichs can still find men willing to become their marshals. I loved that Boris was club-footed twice, I guess it evens things up for him. Superb update as ever.
    Last edited by morningSIDEr; 25-05-2010 at 15:20.
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  17. #237
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    However did that poor steward manage to get severely injured twice?!? Isn't it supposed to be the case that a severely wounded character can no longer lead armies? Or did he have miraculous recovery - just in time to get shafted again?

    Between the conga line of injured/killed/ransomed marshalls and the awe-inspiring collection of injuries Boris suffered, it's a small miracle that any battle could be fought, let alone won, by the Rurikoviches.

  18. #238
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stuyvesant View Post
    However did that poor steward manage to get severely injured twice?!? Isn't it supposed to be the case that a severely wounded character can no longer lead armies? Or did he have miraculous recovery - just in time to get shafted again?
    "It's just a flesh wound!"

  19. #239
    Field Marshal loki100's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stuyvesant View Post
    However did that poor steward manage to get severely injured twice?!? Isn't it supposed to be the case that a severely wounded character can no longer lead armies? Or did he have miraculous recovery - just in time to get shafted again?
    Quote Originally Posted by naggy View Post
    "It's just a flesh wound!"
    I've had this sequence before of a general getting severely injured in one battle and then the same, or worse usually, soon after. Its obvious the game engine won't place a severly wounded character into command (I know this from the next reign - small plot spoiler) but I'm not sure it actually removes them if they are already in command till their regiment is disbanded.

    Quote Originally Posted by morningSIDEr View Post
    I certainly like it! It still beggars belief that the Rurikovichs can still find men willing to become their marshals. I loved that Boris was club-footed twice, I guess it evens things up for him. Superb update as ever.
    Quote Originally Posted by Stuyvesant View Post
    Between the conga line of injured/killed/ransomed marshalls and the awe-inspiring collection of injuries Boris suffered, it's a small miracle that any battle could be fought, let alone won, by the Rurikoviches.
    But one does wonder if Boris' leg wounds were both to the same side or if in some wierd way its sort of evened him up. Such are the dilemnas that CK poses.

    Its when I do a list like that, I realise how many I'm getting through each reign, says something for the collective sanity of the Russian nobility? Most of the battles I win, I do so having first made sure I seriously outnumber the opposition - you may notice I'm very sparing in my use of screenshots that report individual battles - I've usually got far too much to hide.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    You ought to have more and weaker vassals. Those areas of revolts are too insane.
    I think you're right on this. Sometimes I've inherited a super-vassal, that often happened the first few times I got control over Pereyaslavl and a few times I've created one. Since I've often had very low levels of loyalty (can't even start to imagine why), I've tended to give stuff to one of the few Prince(-esses)s that I can trust. Which is great till they or their heirs get uppity in turn. I'll see if I can move to a system of more but smaller vassals.

    Quote Originally Posted by naggy View Post
    Reincarnate Mummy, so you can have The Mummy Returns.
    One of the regular themes has been mummy problems. Added to that the disloyal ex-wife & you have a problem that has affected quite a few of my kings.
    Last edited by loki100; 25-05-2010 at 15:18.

  20. #240
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    Boris II, 1191-1215, the trial

    Scene 1: The Courtroom

    Gabi runs in late, his robe is wet and muddy

    Gabriel, this court decides men’s fate for eternity, I think you could at least bother to turn up clean and tidy, obviously doing penance in Hell is bad for you

    Its Harry …

    You mean the Prince of Darkness

    Yes, yes, him. He’s got most of hell digging drainage ditches in an attempt to relieve the waterlogging of his barbecue.

    You mean he hasn’t yet understood the nature of divine punishment for all his evil acts aimed at the noble Boris?

    Scene 2: The trial starts

    Boris we know you reigned for almost 25 years but could you keep this brief. We have evidence of a malign conspiracy against you due to evidence supplied by a certain female demon, so we may discount some events.

    Gabi looks bemused

    Who?

    Don’t you know?

    No?

    Oh

    Excuse me

    Yes, Boris

    Does that mean you don’t want to know about all my churches?

    Raphael turns to the clerks

    We’ve only one on file?

    Oh well it’s a sort of exemplar you see

    I do not want exemplars, I want evidence. But Boris if you don’t mind, we’ll skip the full list. Maybe you can quickly give us the examples of piety that happened during your reign?

    Well, it started well, what with members of the court being seen as saints and all that





    Then one of them decided to start murdering the wildlife



    And then they moved onto each other ... despite all the wars





    I really didn’t understand these women, what with Mummy and Aunt Venla being so rebellious as well.

    At least my son, Ivan started out well:



    But I became more worried later on



    But then he got back on track



    But over the next few years he became even less able



    So I married him off to the traditional Greek, hoping that would improve him:



    but ... I mean just look at that chin



    Ummh, ok now we’ve been over your wars and your zeal for bashing Muslims in the south was, well zealous. Could you give us an idea why?

    Well, I was zealous so that sort of helped, and then I discovered what they’d done to Ireland and northern Britain:



    Oh yes, we may have to look into that at some stage.
    So we come to your death, do you have any idea who? I mean you’d defeated almost all your vassals in battle, you were planning a new religious war in the Ukraine, you were publicly denouncing your son as a numpty, so it’s a bit difficult to find candidates for:



    However, when it comes to sentencing you, we are aware you were the victim of a considerable degree of malice from Hell

    Was I?

    Yes you were … and you have amassed a quite amazing piety score.

    I think you should be sentenced to the fourth terrace of Purgatory[1]. You probably are guilty of too many crimes for direct entry.

    Scene 3: Hell (a plot teaser)

    Harry and Astarte stare at the barbecue pit. Harry is explaining that for some reason having now dried it out, all the fires in this corner of Hell have gone out.

    “So do you think we should move it to somewhere a bit warmer? Even if I burn one of the damned they just splutter a bit”

    “but you’ve put so much effort into it here …. I mean you’ve had the bare earth so nicely landscaped”

    “Aye Astarte, you’re probably right … anyway don’t you think you were a bit rough with Ivan. I mean a short session with you and the poor lad could scarcely walk for the rest of his reign”.

    [1] look it up yourselves, it sort of makes sense.

    Does anyone care who poisoned Boris? What has Astarte done to Ivan? Why has she betrayed Harry’s secrets to Raphael? Pity about Ireland though
    Last edited by loki100; 25-05-2010 at 23:39.

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