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Thread: Glasgow Kiss - A Scottish WC HttT AAR

  1. #81
    Field Marshal naggy's Avatar
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    It's a punitive war, meaning that they want to stand and make up puns that will make drunk Scots groan.

    Right?

  2. #82
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    They can only reach the African holdings, so that war can be ignored until after you beat Austria

  3. #83
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    Ah, pyramid power strikes fear into the heart of the scottish soul...Or not!
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  4. #84
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Thank you hugely for the replies!

    naggy - Right! Thankfully my many horrific attempts at humour during this AAR have made Scots impervious to such tactics! Which is why I made so many shocking attempts at humour...to build up Scottish defences. It is not down to my having no sense of humour and the writing abilities of a piece of soggy cabbage...*cough*

    Nice bit of punning from yourself by the way!

    History_Buff - How correct you are! They cannot actually even reach my African holdings via a land route as I left Tripoli as a buffer state between myself and The Mamluks. I do not actually fear The Mamluks at all as a result...I was just using the last screenshot in order to create a bit of drama, which my own shoddy writing skills could never otherwise achieve!

    blsteen - Not, for the reasons detailed above! However the country who did end up declaring war on me during this update, had me reaching for my emergency underwear...

  5. #85
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    The war against Austria has been going surprisingly well. The usual strategy of drawing the enemy onto a defended Scottish position has claimed yet another victim.



    However Austria had kept too many men back in Trent for Scotland to push home the advantage. Something novel was happening in this war. A superior opponent acting scared of Scotland! Austrian soldiers practice Scotland's most familiar military manoeuvre, the tactical withdrawl. Fleeing from a nearby battle whilst their fellow soldiers tasted Scottish kisses!



    Despite smashing the small Austrian force in Brescia, the bulk of the Austrian army remains too canny to attack Scotland. Scotland thus does something unprecedented in Scottish warfare...she attacks a large army (admittedly with far large numbers...cowardice can never be fully removed from the Scottish character).



    Reports that this was not a heroic attack by Scotland but rather the result of her soldiers camping on a hill and then rolling towards Austrian lines cannot be further from the truth. The broken Austrian forces are then harried to defeat. Like true cowards, Scots always continue to attack a fleeing victim. The bulk of the Austrian army is shattered. She now only has around 30,000 men.



    Now comes the fun part in any war - looting and pillaging. By Austrian citizens of Scotland's drunk senseless soldiers. However with an opportunism to make most Scot's salute in admiration, were it not for the fact most were piddling themselves upon the announcement, Burgundy has entered the war.



    Fantastic.

    In the same month Muscowy accepts a white peace deal upon realisation that the Scottish attack on Corfu was simply a ruse to gain French land. That and the fact that Muscowy has no wish to land troops in the benighted craphole that is Scotland.

    Faced with the choice of war against two large powers, Scots unanimously decide to remain far away from Burgundy. Scotland's French lands are thus left wide open to Burgundy. Who, upon occupying a few provinces, is horrified to find how dilapidated and backwards the provinces of a once great nation have become after skant years of Scottish rule.



    In February 1478 Aragon, long irked by Scotland's frequent reconquest wars, decide to begin one of their own. Alas they and their allies Cologne and Savoy can muster a mere 4,000 men between them. Their application for Scottish nationhood is thus likely to be accepted.

    War on all fronts. The nation is creaking under the strain. Scotland fears another ill omen. It could well spell disaster...



    Phew, just our King dying. James III brings some actual ability to the throne. This is so disconcerting to everyone that stability drops.

    Whilst Scottish armies have bravely been besieging empty Austrian provinces, Scottish land in France has been steadily occupied by Burgundy. Reasoning that any invading force who has got so far into Scottish land will by this point be hugely depressed at having been stuck in such a craphole for months on end. And that said force will ready to surrender at the drop of a hat...Scotland attacks.



    It is the beginning of the end for Burgundy's invasion. Her soldiers are indeed depressed, malnourished and emotionally scarred having spent months in Scottish land. Driving rain, idiot locals and being forced to eat food fit only for a rubbish tip usually has that effect on people.

    The first peace deal in this round of warring is hammered out when Wurttemburg cede's Konstanz, becoming a OPM in December 1478.

    December 1478 also bears witness to the King making the God damned stupid decision to make blasphemy an offence. Jesus what an idiot.



    Pommerania make the wise decision to give away Austria's land in peace talks.



    Scotland salutes such 'allies'.

    War against everyone else rumbles on...

  6. #86
    Wow, what a crazy and great ride so far. WC? Count me in!

  7. #87
    Field Marshal loki100's Avatar
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    this is becoming rather scary ... the outcome could be Scottish domination of the Champions League (apols to any US-based readers) in 640 years time ... and then what could we complain about

  8. #88
    Patron Saint of Suenik Iain Wilson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loki100 View Post
    this is becoming rather scary ... the outcome could be Scottish domination of the Champions League (apols to any US-based readers) in 640 years time ... and then what could we complain about
    Even if we did conquer all of Europe we'd still manage to find someway of getting knocked out prior to the group stages

    Very amusing update!
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  9. #89
    Quote Originally Posted by loki100 View Post
    this is becoming rather scary ... the outcome could be Scottish domination of the Champions League (apols to any US-based readers) in 640 years time ... and then what could we complain about
    Nonsense! There are still the Germans, Russians and Barcelona to beat them. In fact, if I remember correctly, there is still an independent nation or two down in southern Italy. So there's no need to worry about the Scottish being competitive in the Champions League just yet!

  10. #90
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    Thank you hugely for the replies!

    Tmac - You are far too kind (the bribe is, as ever, in the post)!

    loki100 - Well there is still the matter of the Old Firm dominating everything! My poor beloved Jambos ever suffering...

    Iain Wilson - How true that is! A team of semi-trained animals would probably outplay any football team Scotland can field!

    sjones25 - Nevermind those illustrious footballing nations, simply having somewhere such as Liechtenstein still alive in the game throws huge doubt on future Scottish football hopes!

    I have some good news and some bad news.
    Bad news; the next update is a bit larger than usual, thus more drivel to suffer I'm afraid.
    Good news; I won't be able to update the AAR for the next few days, thus less drivel overall!
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  11. #91
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    A week after the Austria peace deal, The Mamluks too sue for peace. A white peace. During this epic conflict which will live long in the memory of Scots everywhere, The Mamluks did...well...nothing. With no land border and a pathetic navy, no actual battles were fought. The only injury suffered by anyone on either side was my gaining a slightly sprained finger from tapping the mouse too often.

    On the 16th January 1479 Savoy is annexed. Savoy, Dauphine and France had been left alive for sometime so as to keep the land border with Burgundy as narrow as possible. Now that both Scotland and Burgundy are locked in war things shall change.

    Scots make use of the newly acquired Piedmont to launch their favourite type of attack on Burgundy...one from the rear.



    On the 20th January 1479 Scotland finally gets around to completing her reconquest of Barcelona...at the 20th attempt. Aragon is annexed.

    The primary reason that Scotland had not suffered more at the hands of Burgundy's attack is that the great bulk of Burgundy's army is actually overseas...in Greece. So Burgundy decided to launch a surprise attack on Scotland without the majority of her forces, despite their being no reason for her not to bring these men back before beginning her war. That is an act truly worthy of a Scot.

    [Another act truly worthy of a Scot is thinking you have taken a screenshot when you actually have not. Sorry, I thought I had taken a screenshot of Burgundy's large army stacks in her Greek holdings of Morea (which Burgundy gained during one of her pointless wars as Defender of the Faith), but alas I cannot find the damned file! So you will just have to trust me on this. Yes, thats right, trust the person who has been proving himself a conniving git all game.]

    The logic cannot be faulted on the part of the fortunate Burgundian soldiers stationed in Greece however. Attack the rain infested lands of madmen, or top up your sun tan? Tough choice.

    In September 1479 Salzburg declares war on Scotland, dragging her lucky ally The Palatinate into the conflict as well. These two can muster 5,000 men. Perfect applicants once again.

    Burgundy is collapsing with German minors able to occupy a number of provinces, she is forced into a very damaging peace deal.



    Massive swathes of Burgundy are thus released as minor nations. The vicious predator in every Scot crows in delight. More small fries to bully.

    March 1480 witnesses The Palatinate ceding Pfalz and a wad of cash to get the ravening Scots off her remaining land, bringing Palatinate to OPM status. Scotland thanks Salzburg.

    Peace once more returns to Scotland (well we're still at war with Salzburg). Finally her inhabitants can return to ruining their newly acquired empire, infighting, inbreeding and drinking themselves to an early death.



    The King uses this lull to solve a problem which has been vexing Him for some time. Namely the constant abuse of His Majesty.



    No longer shall lies about the King's corruptness, drunkness, wastefulness, debauchery, foolishness and backwardness be told! No, truth shall reign supreme. The recent allegations have been unfair. The King has been far more corrupt, drunk, wasteful, debauching, foolish and backward than had previously been reported - this shall be set right!

    The Pope takes leave of his senses and forgets about Scotland having annexed his traditional home, constantly warred with Catholics for years on end and the fact that he only recently excommunicated Scotland...



    One can only imagine the now accurate reporting of how shockingly inept the Scottish King is, has made the Pope feel mercy for the people of Scotland and thus brought about this decision.

    Therefore Scotland is now at peace (nearly) having smashed most of her rivals and has just been given the accolade of Papal Controller. People of Scotland know how this goes. Something is about to go wrong...



    Damnation.

    Despite having considerably larger forces, the situation is a bit worrying for Scotland. The bulk of our armies are still in Burgundy, with no direct land route to our Austrian holdings, Scottish forces need to make a long march around through southern France and northern Italy in order to reach the theatre. Thankfully there are still 40,000 or so stilll in this new theatre however. Considering the fact that the average Scottish soldier can only manage a moderately quick waddle, as opposed to a march, it will fall upon these brave 40,000 to defend Scotland for quite some time.

    More worrying however is the simple fact that after years of non-stop war the people of Scotland's empire are close to mass riots. Frankly most Scots are surprised it has taken this long for the newly conquered people to realise how useless Scots are in rule (Gordon Brown for example...). Stability is a long way off recovery. War exhaustion is ever growing. Scotland could truly do with a period of rest.

    With that in mind...



    Oh joy. The Pope has gone to war against the Papal Controller...Scots return to drinking, the situation is too confusing for logic to have any chance.

    Some more minor nations join the Alliance to Conquer the Evil Scottish Gits.



    Andrea Law participates in one of Scotland's most successful battles. The fact that Scotland actually lost the battle is a moot point. Bohemia have suffered massive casualties.



    Has Scotland found its new David Livingston?
    Law: 'Well yes, I hope I can eclipse the brilliant Livingston. We fought a defensive battle, hoping to buy time for our onrushing (read as; waddling quite quickly) reinforcements. It is a pity the battle was lost, but the casualties should make Bohemia wary.'
    Evidently Scotland has not found the new Livingston, Law is far too coherent and intelligent. He is quickly given a desk job. Leave the fighting to imbeciles, thank you.

    Beathan Ruthven is found slobbering on a bench outside. He is instantly given command.



    The lesson: Imbecility wins wars. The fact that Ruthven had overwhelming numbers was clearly of no consequance.

    The King views a fleeing army and quickly gets stuck in, here is a chance for glory!



    Imbecility gains Scotland another victory.

    Bohemia's army is utterly shattered. Her forces are being harried to destruction.



    On the 14th November 1481 Switzerland is annexed.

    For some reason having the Pope go to war with you seems to bring about...



    Honestly, you'd have thought he'd give Scotland more warning. ah well from Papal Controller to excommunicated. One benefit of being excommunicated is that when countries declare war on Scotland it is on the basis of excommunication. The alternative, with such high infamy, is on the grounds of 'dishonourable scum'. An apt definition of Scotland, but so very hurtful.

    Despite having shattered Bohemia's forces, the war exhaustion has risen to massive heights due to Scottish forces chasing Bohemia for so long within their territory. Revolts have become widespread. Bohemia has also been able to easily begin rebuilding her army due to the massive size of her lands.



    Taking the cowards approach to warfare, Scotland peace out.



    The peace deal is very unsatisfactory. However the Scottish army had spent such a long time in Bohemian land, without reinforcement that it had dropped to a size of 13,000 from a possible size of 45,000. Scotland need some time of peace, in order to despoil her new lands, grow larger bellies and recoup for further conquests.

    Despite the revolts, the Portuguese seem to have accepted their fate. Joint losers with the rest of Scotland.



    On the 6th July 1482 Salzburg is finally annexed.

    On the 27th August 1482 Ansbach is annexed.

    Ocober 1482 witnesses the Papal States ceding Bamberg to Scotland, recuding the Papacy to OPM status. You really have to wonder why they excommunicated the peaceful Scotland in the first place.

    In the same month Liege desides to delcare war on Scotland! With all of 3,000 men...

    The band of losers swells.



    On the 21rst November 1482 Mainz is annexed.

    Much talk has been made of Scotland needing time out to allow revolts to die down.



    It was all lies. Its war-diddly-ino (sorry, couldn't help myself...) with Flanders!
    Last edited by morningSIDEr; 26-02-2010 at 02:16.
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  12. #92
    Field Marshal blsteen's Avatar
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    Me thinks the Scots aren't going to get much peace if they don't stop grabbing provinces. Just for a while of course.
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  13. #93
    Field Marshal loki100's Avatar
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    has your finger fully recovered from pointing it at the Mameluks ... looks like you're going to have plenty of practice at squashing small but slightly annoying minor enemies for quite a while.

  14. #94
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    bah, stupid Flanders fighting with is big, drunk and ugly neighbour*

    * you are sure that Homer Simpson wasn't a scot?
    Attack them with groundskeeper Willie's forces!
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  15. #95


    VS.


  16. #96
    did general livingston die? if i died, i better have died from alcohol poisoning

  17. #97
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    Great AAR... even if I am an englishman

  18. #98
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    Very well done. I assume you've been given and declined the opportunity to become Great Britain?

  19. #99
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Thank you kindly for the replies!

    blsteen - How true that is. However I cannot stop the incessant warring now, even if I wished to! Scots drink and eat a province bare within no time whatsoever. Thus new lands to loot and despoil must be ever added to the burgeoning empire!

    loki100 - My finger was recovering before a sudden resumption of war with the dastardly Mamluks in this update! How true with regards to those opponents still left standing, I am rather fearing the increasing amount of rebels as well.

    Mico94 - I actually attacked Flanders! Scotland really needed a bit of a break from the constant warring in order to let war exhaustion go down but I couldn't help myself. Homer Simpson is obese, stupid and a semi-alcoholic...so yes, he must be at least part Scottish!

    I'd make use of Groundskeeper Willie's forces but as he says himself, we Scots don't exactly trust one and other (and if anyone wondered why this WC is being attempted...well Willie explains the reason perfectly here)!

    sjones25 - Brilliant!

    Kingawsomeness - Alas the legendary Livingston has passed away. Some say it was alcohol poisoning which caused his death. Others point out that he had just been decapitated accidentally by one of his own drunken troops (this bring the primary cause of Scottish casualities in battles, attacks from their own side). Its impossible to say what the real reason is. He was given a fitting burial though, his grave overlooks a brewery!

    Keinwyn - Thank you kindly (bribe in the post of course)! If not for my shockingly underhand tactics I could have never taken down the mighty England. Thus know that a Scot must act as a conniving git to have any kind of chance!

    TonyJoe - Thank you kindly (a bribe for you too of course)! I do indeed have the decision available to form Great Britain, but do not intend to do so primarily because I have been hugely lucky whilst playing as Scotland but fear the AI were I to turn into Great Britain. Scotland is pitied, Great Britain is feared! Furthermore Scotland's yellow colour on the diplomatic mapmode suits my yellow bellied playing style!
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  20. #100
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Attacking Flanders whilst suffering from massive war exhaustion, and thus constant rebel attack, was probably not a clever idea. However the cassus beli event 'dishonoured call' fired, and Scotland being as war hungry as it is could not let such an opportunity to oppress a smaller neighbour pass.

    For some reason Scotland's constant warring seems to have irked a few people.





    Honestly, you'd think Scotland was annoying everyone, attempting a world conquest or something...ah...right.

    Thankfully Austria is nowhere near rebuilt to her former worrying glory. Her armies seem to know it too. Upon viewing their home provinces under siege they...march off.

    Going...



    Gone!



    This baffling move is due to the fact that Austria is also at war with Scandinavia (Sweden managed to dominate Denmark and Norway, thus creating the new country). Scotland's joy is shortlived however as the stack suddenly returns killing one of the 2,000 siege forces. Austria shall pay!

    Dribbling moron Reathven gains the win and chases the Austrian stack.



    Thats actually the smaller of Austria's stacks. Scotland's lesser defended German theatre is being besieged by an Austrian force of 18,000. Scottish forces are too small to beat back this force. Thankfully Scotland has other allies...



    Scandinavia is happily assaulting Austrian held Scottish provinces, returning them to Scotland. Thank you Scandinavia! Scotland swears eternal friendship and brotherhood to you, for your aid in this war.

    On the 22nd September 1483 Dauphine is annexed.

    Finally Scotland has mustered enough men in Germany to beat back some of the opposing forces. Flanders is the first sent into rout (yup, I declared war on Flanders without having enough men nearby to sack her provinces until now...yes, I really am that useless).



    Who the hell put Law in charge of another army?! He's too competent dammit!

    On the 5th January 1484 Liege is annexed.

    The Mamluks declare war on Scotland in the same month. The people of Scotland cower in fear. And quickly get themselves ready for another titanic clash between both nations...by sitting on their backsides and doing nothing. I fear for my partially healed finger.

    In order to simply get Austria out of the war so as to make the German theatre alot easier to manage, a peace deal is thrashed out.



    Austria is beginning to learn to her cost the lesson which other vanquished nations have long since learnt; Scots have become inured to pain due to their rampant drinking and stupidity. Its near impossible to stop them.

    Scandinavia's aid during this war will never be forgotten. Scotland shall ever stand by their new brothers, hoping to bring about peace to a shattered world (shattered as it has been by Scotland *cough*). Scotland did not beg Austria for peace mere days beforehand in order to avoid the impending strike from the Austrian stack, thus leaving her Scandinavian brothers cruelly alone. To say otherwise is a slanderous lie!



    Oh well, enjoy getting hammered Scandinavia.

    July 1484 bears witness to France ceding Caux and Lyon, she is now a OPM. Nice to see the Auld Alliance bearing such fruit.

    September of the same year witnesses Trier becoming a OPM as she cedes Koblenz.

    The next month Venice cedes Treviso.

    Pea-diddly-eace (yeah, I used the same rotten attempt at a joke once again) with Flanders!



    As can be seen, Burgundy was truly hurt when she released Flanders. Scotland gratefully takes the new land. It shall become a backwater craphole within mere months.

    April 1485 witnesses The Palatinate declare war on Scotland with her allies. Their application shall be rushed through.

    On the 20th May 1485 Cleves is annexed.

    On the 9th June 1485 Hesse is annexed.

    An end to the non-stop warring is surely in sight. Once these German minors are vanquished hopefully Scotland can enjoy some peace.



    That would be a no then.

    Despite pillaging most of Europe, Scotland is beginning to become exhausted from its near constant exertions. The reason for this is two-fold. Firstly Scots are by their very nature a country of obese numpties. Having dragged their amble posteriors miles around Europe, most Scots are wanting a break. In order to reinforce their beer bellies, and clog up their arteries once more.

    The second reason for Scotland's rising war exhaustion is that every country Scotland has thus far conquered is so far advanced and generally better than Scotland itself, that her armies can only feel utter depression. Look at the great cities of Lisbon, Madrid, London and so forth. Compare them to Edinburgh, Falkirk and Cowdenbeath (always a forerunner in 'Most Stupidly Named Town' competitions), and it is easy to see why Scottish soldiers feel so depressed.

    The war exhaustion of 9.84 really needs to be addressed. Scottish forces will attempt to viciously shatter the remaining enemy field armies in order to have a break from warring. They would rather eat and drink themselves to an early grave, as opposed to having an enemies sword send them to one.

    On the 12th May 1486 Anhalt is annexed.

    June 1486 allows for a slider movement. I am far too inept at this game to have known what would happen if a slider is moved past its country specified limits. The extra revolt risk accrued from putting Scotland on -1 centralization when 0 is the slider limit, had been proving a pain. Thus the slider was moved back to the right.



    Finally some luck! Evidently the newly acquired lands had enough alcohol in them to improve stability a bit.

    The same month brings Sicily to war with Scotland...again. Dragging in various allies. Their application for Scottish citizenship is carefully considered...until Scotland learns that Sicily is renowned for its wine. Conquest ahoy!

    August 1486 brings Thuringia to the peace table. This German minor must have been doing quite well until now, as it has a number of provinces. Once again Scotland ruins a country out to improve itself. Scotland is dragging people down to her level! Brunswick, Meissen, Thuringen and Kassel are ceded.

    On the 3rd of November 1486 The Palatinate is annexed. No doubt making her allies happy she shared their fate.

    January 1487 and Crotia is brought to the peace table.



    As can be seen, Dalmatia is not connected to any of Scotland's other land provinces. Thus it is a bit worrying gaining this province whilst revolt risk is so high. However Croatia can always be annexed later to link the land up. Plus Scotland is always hungry for more land to despoil.

    With such high war exhaustion Scotland is happy to go around slapping about minor nations, but the people of Scotland fervently hope no major power attacks.



    Oh joy.

    War with Moldavia is quickly brought to an end. Having men strung out in her provinces would not be wise. Scotland gains Istria in the peace deal. Scotland should be able to beat back the current enemies arrayed against her. Austria is severly weakened. Bohemia are the only country to pose a significant threat.



    Fantastic.

    ah yes, Dalmatia borders the Ottoman's vassals...damn that province!

    The war with Bohemia is mercifully short-lived. Austrian forces, what little of them there now are, are utterly shattered.



    Bohemia is no doubt horrified to see what alcohol addled Scots can do to a once strong country, and quickly white peace out.



    May 1488 bears witness to the Scottish heir sadly passing away. Is this the end of the hugely inept, corrupt and debauching line of Stuart?



    The people of Luxembourg certainly pray so.

    Having finally gained something of a navy in recent years, Sicily is at last made to pay for her incessant warring. How dare she have fought the peaceable people of Scotland on so many occasions! Only idiot nations, filled with ignorant foolish people would dare engage in incassant wa-uhm...nevermind. She cedes Messina, Apulia and Malta, thus bringing her to OPM status.

    After occupying Dalmatia for a good few months and gaining some war exhaustion into the bargain, the Ottomans finally realise that without a decent navy, and having no other land borders with Scotland there really is only one option...



    Well done Ottomans. And people say the Scottish are stupid (with good reason)...
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