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Thread: Glasgow Kiss - A Scottish WC HttT AAR

  1. #41
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    The war against France is one of manoeuvre. Apart from the units of 1-2,000 Scots sitting on their backsides besieging a few provinces. Despite several victories in battles, it is proving near impossible to shatter the French forces.



    Added to this, an event of massive magnitude befalls the Scottish people.



    Truly Paradox has made a mistake here. If this event occurs for someone playing as Scotland, stability should fall to zero, infamy, war exhaustion and manpower should hit the maximum and minimum respectively and Scotland should simply cease to exist. There is nothing worse for a Scot than poor alcohol. We'll still drink it, but even so...

    Connacht suffers the wrath of Scotland's shame in our poor alcohol. She's forced into ceding one of her two provinces.

    Livingston has done it again!



    'Pfrfr smah!' As the great man would say.

    The French force is then harried to death.

    An overview of the war shows the remarkably low war exhaustion Scotland is enjoying.



    This is down to the fact that the Scottish women are running the country with a great deal more skill than the absent men could ever achieve. That and the country being liberally soaked in alcohol.

    France appears creaking, but she still has the money and manpower to once again stage a rebuilding effort. With a reasonably high war score, we begin peace negotiations.



    The peace is quite acceptable. Scottish cartogrophers were told to make absolutely sure that Scotland did not gain another land border with Burgundy from this peace deal.

    An overview of our new conquests in the Iberia and France.



    As you can see our canny Scottish diplomats made sure our peace with France keeps us from opening up another border with Burgundy. Wait a minute...

    Damnation.

    The women of Scotland realise that without a war there is a good chance that many of their feckless men will return and thus ruin the country once more. Quickly a suitable war target is found.



    Disaster has been averted, the men will stay overseas for now. Those few men who have remained in Scotland are having a positive effect on things...by doing absolutely nothing.



    Truly things flourish when a Scotsman leaves well alone.

    Algiers has little by way of a standing army. This was one of the major reasons Scotland attacked the country. Always pick on those weaker than you.

    Algiers army is quickly dispatched by the simple exponent of a huge Scottish horde swarming down on them. As can be seen, this strategy took years for Scotland to forumulate. The war is going too well. Scottish admirals rectify this alarming occurence by having all 5 of their large ships sunk by the Ottoman navy whilst making the crossing from Iberia into mainland Algiers.



    Fantastic. An island nation bereft of any attacking naval power.

    The Scottish men back at home begin making some noises about actually attempting to do some work in running the country. Disaster is averted, they are hastily bribed to return to their drunken stupor.



    Peace is achieved with Algiers. Scotland has gained quite a bit of new land, and establised itself in a third continent. Now Scotland has land in Europe, Africa and Glasgow (Glasgow truly is a place unto itself).



    French patience wears thin. After having heard cunning, incessant argument from Scottish diplomats along the lines of, 'Gimme the land.' They readily agree that Dauphine is actually somewhere Scotland has a valid claim to. I wonder who it was in Dauphine who vexed the King so much as to bring about this judgement...



    Records are checked. Castille now has a smaller army than Scotland. Scottish cowardice evapourates now that we have the upper hand. Always pick on those smaller and weaker than yourself...



    Scots give their heads some last minute massaging, its kissing time.

  2. #42
    Colonel History_Buff's Avatar
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    Well, I'd say England is doomed at this point. As you said before, make sure that you link up Aragon and Portugal in the peace and steal Barcelona from Aragon. Try to make sure that you get ALL of Spain south of your current lands in Castille in the peace if at all possible. Do not take lands North of your current holdings unless you have warscore room. As is, Castille can attack the land bridge between Aragon and Portugal and cut it off very easily by attacking from two directions. If you remove the southern threat, you will only have to focus on one direction. Also, my favorite tactic in a war is to position as many men as the support limit of the province and my force limit will allow in every province bordering my enemy. That way, I can siege, storm, and take them quickly and create a buffer between my own lands and the enemy. If you defend them long enough for the garrisons to recover, They will most likely try to take back those lands before invading yours, buying you valuable time to react.

  3. #43
    Patron Saint of Suenik Iain Wilson's Avatar
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    As a fellow Scot I can't help but love this AAR. The self-depricating manner in which you have written it is characteristically Scottish - the only thing we love more than a good drink is glorious defeat!

    Keep up the good work!
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  4. #44
    Field Marshal blsteen's Avatar
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    I'm sure that the Castillians will once again feel the fury of the highland roll!
    I was Sir blsteen, Knight of the Eastern West... in :One Last HurRAAh: A Milanese Empire Interactive AAR:

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  5. #45
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Thank you for the replies!

    History_Buff - Yes, England is a spent force. I cannot yet make any land gains from Aragon as I have no fleet whatsoever with which to occupy her islands (yay for my incompetence). Regarding peace deals, when it is a large country being dealt with, I prefer to split the country up, via narrow strips of land. The opponent then usually finds it very difficult to move around his remaining land. This usually then cripples the country due to the inevitable rebels popping up due to war exhaustion (as the opponent cannot get to them most of the time).

    You have a very sound strategy, I can see how that would work very well. I prefer to fight slightly differently. As with yourself, I like to entice the enemy onto my land, so as to have them suffer the attrition penalties. I usually have my forces near to the main enemy force prior to war, and use a small unit to draw that main enemy force onto a hastily reinforce province, as I have been doing. This allows for me to gain the defensive bonus, plus the enemy is hit by attrition.

    Once the main enemy force is killed, I quickly scramble 2-3k units into every enemy province. They are more than enough to kill any reinforcements the enemy creates, and whilst siege work can take a while, I am not suffering attrition with such small stacks. Whereas my enemy is losing manpower, as I constantly maul his newly created units!

    Thank you for the advice though. I hugely appreciate advice from anyone, as I'm always interested in improving my playing (I certainly need to!). I can tell you are a very good player.

    Iain Wilson - You are far too kind! Your bribe is, of course, in the post!

    blsteen - Indeed! There are few things more frightening than 115 kg Scotsman rolling at you! I merely fear for the Scottish troops returning over the Pyrenees, if any of them begin rolling there, they'll probably end up in the Mediterranean!

  6. #46
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    The war is going surprisingly well. Womenfolk in Scotland have made it clear that an early return home due to a loss will not be tolerated. Scottish men thus fight with panache and skill for the first time. A Scottish womans threatened wrath will drive most to achieve miracles.

    Scottish strategy has not changed from earlier wars. The men are too stupid to learn something new. Thus the old ploy of drawing an enemy attack onto a thinly defended province, only for that province to suddenly be reinforced, brings about the death of the main Castilian force in Iberia.



    The remaining countries at war with Scotland from the previous war against Algiers are whitepeaced out. Scottish diplomats ask the simple question of them, 'Is all the effort required to defeat Scotland (not that much effort is needed of course) actually worth it considering the likely reward of a province such as Lothian?'

    Scotland's backstabbing in this war is only matched by Castilian idiocy. Castille had the great bulk of her army in Africa before the war began. Of the 50,000 or so men Castille has, 30,000 are in Africa. They march into Scotland's empty Algerian territory (Scots having fled the land beforehand). Scotland happily allow occupation of their northern African holdings for the chance to rampage about the empty Iberia.



    Nonetheless Scotland remains true to usual form and prove that even a seemingly easy victory can always be fouled up in some way.



    Campbell had always been told he'd go far in the Scottish army. As far as a Castilian prisoner of war camp. He's upholding the Scottish armed forces proud traditions.

    England had no army at all at this time, thus making them the perfect opponents for Scotland. The following screenshot should truly be the subject of an update all by itself...



    Castille has evidently been listening to advice from stategic genius Campbell. They finally begin ferrying men back to their homelands after taking occupation of Scottish African holdings. Instead of making an amphibious attack on southern Iberia, which is but a short journey from their starting point and lightly defended by Scottish forces, Castille instead sail all the way around to northern Iberia, where most Scottish forces are concentrated. I salute thee Campbell.



    Aragon sue for peace after Barcelona falls. Scotland is offered 325 ducats. Aragon knows this be enough for the Scottish army to drink itself to death for a few years, thus giving them peace (Scotland's utter lack of a navy means that Aragon's island provinces remain safe for now).

    Throughout this war Scots were constantly pertified of an attack from Burgundy. As the war draws to a close the reason for this lack of an attack becomes clear.



    Milan is suffering instead. Burgundy's thinking on this matter has to be applauded. Either they attacked the rain soaked island fastness of madmen. Or they enjoy a jaunt in the lovely lands of Italy. Tough call.

    Eventually peace is agreed.



    A good deal all round. Although not for Castille of course. Nor the poor people now part of Scotland's burgeoning empire.

  7. #47
    First Lieutenant Alikchi's Avatar
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    This is awfully enjoyable, keep it up sir!

  8. #48
    Field Marshal blsteen's Avatar
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    A nice slice out of the middle of Iberia. I can't believe everybody and their dog isn't jumping on your behind before the Scottish pay them a visit!
    I was Sir blsteen, Knight of the Eastern West... in :One Last HurRAAh: A Milanese Empire Interactive AAR:

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  9. #49
    If Burgundy jumps on France and eats up what they have left up north, you might be in for a real fight.

    burgundy also has awesome offense/quality/land/free subject sliders.

  10. #50
    People's Commissar of the Navy Demi Moderator Avindian's Avatar
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    Do you need Meath to form Great Britain or do you intend not to form GB?

    Love the AAR so far!

  11. #51
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Thank you hugely for the replies!

    Alikchi - I'm sure the bribes flowing from me to everyone who says kind words had no influence on you whatsoever! Thank you for the kind words (the bribe is in the post).

    blsteen - I too have been very shocked at the AI sitting back and letting me carve my empire out of so many nations. I guess its down to my cunning peace deals wherein new borders are kept restricted. No wait...I extended my border with Burgundy recently...Uhm, maybe its down to the AI understanding that Scottish provinces are not worth any effort being expended in capturing them? Probably. That and a massive slice of luck!

    mje173 - Burgundy scare me hugely. I have a spare pair of underpants sitting ready for when they do declare war on Scotland. This update shall show you why they seem even more scary than usual...

    Avindian - Meath is not one of the required cores. I'm not however planning to form Great Britain. If I did, my store of awful attempts at humour would instantly be depleted (which is probably a good thing actually...). Scotland would lose its lovely Lion Rampant flag. And my current run of luck would probably end instantly. Whilst the AI seems to feel sorry for Scotland. A competent and able nation such as the UK would probably be taken seriously, and I would instantly be defeated. Furthermore yellow is the perfect colour for any nation I play. For I play as I am, a yellow bellied coward!

    Thank you for the continued support!

  12. #52
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    The people of Scotland are depressed. More so than usual. And not merely due to the fact that they know themselves to be Scottish. Despite conniving, backstabbing and acting like the opportunistic scum that they are for the past few years, other nations are still stronger than them. Granted Scotland has gained control of new lands wherein summer is not 5 minutes long, and being sober for more than 10 seconds is not something only achieved by corpses. But the thought that yet more...work (queue a collective shudder though Scotland at the mere mention of this word!) need be done before Scotland can rise to the top of the heap (cream is not the only thing which rises to the top afterall) causes alot of Scots to balk.



    How is it that Scotland has not yet reached supremacy?



    ah...He'll be after Spain then...

    I pray he does not have a brother called Napoleon...

    Scotland's spy extraordinaire, Jimmy McBond, is sent out on another mission...minus the kilt. Surely now our subterfuge will be accomplished without discovery?



    Note to self; Order spies to ditch the 'Hey Jimmy!' hats in future...

    War is promptly joined. The reason for this subterfuge when Scotland has a reconquest cassus beli v. France, due to her core on Dauphine, is simple. Burgundy has gauranteed France. Scotland is a nation of cowards. Brittany was not gauranteed. Scotland attacks Brittany.



    The usual strategy is employed against France. Its surprising how Scottish-like in stupidity each nation which fights Scotland has proven. None seem to wise up to the trick. Or perhaps its the thought of attacking men wearing skirts which prompts most to underestimate Scotland. That and Scottish armies being so drunk that they often attack themselves.

    Connacht has been feeling lonely. The rest of Ireland has been enjoying the drunken way of Scottish life. They apply for membership.



    Sweden beat Castille in the foolish amphibious attack stakes. Sailing all the way from Scandinavia, past a scarcely defended Britain, they land in Scottish held Algiers.



    But of course.

    War against Fance goes well. The country had not fully recovered from Scotland's last attack. Scotland would never have attacked them again if they had. As things are thus far going well, what can complicate matters?



    Damnation.

    It says alot for a country when a small island lying mere miles off their coast would rather be a part of a near-conquered country lying some hundreds of miles to the east. It also says alot for a player when they fail to notice that a rebel occupied province had not yet been won back to Scotland. What a bloody idiot that player is.

    War is promptly declared.



    Its nice to see that Denmark, a country which had been expanding and doing well until a short alliance with Scotland, is now falling apart.

    Our King is aghast at what is going on. Even for Scotland this is massively incompetent. He sets out to lead by example.



    Fantastic.

    With the King recovering in his sick bed, things begin to perk up once more without his meddling.



    Orkney is returned to Scotland. Norway quickly severed ties with a province which was making them neighbours to drink addled madmen. From this Orkney's residents have learned a harsh lesson. Once stuck with losers, you are invariably going to be a loser for the rest of your life.

    Algiers notes Scottish disarray.



    Damnation.

    Thankfully the King has yet to recover from his wounds.



    Tripoli show the celebrated naval powers of Sweden and Castille how to make an amphibious attack. Attacking Scotland's clear weak spot at present.



    Vikings and conquistador's eat your heart out.

    Despite the upheaval elsewhere, the war against France has went very well. Something calamitous must be about to befall Scotland...



    Looks good so far...

  13. #53
    Field Marshal blsteen's Avatar
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    The French are getting the Scottish roll!
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  14. #54
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    Very enjoyable so count me in *Subscribes*

    Absolutely agree BB is all about high scores

    (Of course the generous reference to one of my AARs is appreciated. Cheques to cross in the post?)


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  15. #55
    I love haggis! *Subscribes*

    England had no army at all at this time, thus making them the perfect opponents for Scotland. The following screenshot should truly be the subject of an update all by itself... [screenshot of Scotland annexing England]
    This is truly the highlight of every Scotland game. And I agree with not forming GB. Sure they have some nice decisions and free cores (on lands that are already going to be core by then...), but your nations becomes red like your hated enemies, your leaders all get English names, and worst of all: you have to move you capitol to London!
    Last edited by sjones25; 20-02-2010 at 03:10.

  16. #56
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Thank you kindly for the replies!

    blsteen - Indeed! The Pyrenees were once again called into action, and Scottish soldiers were rolled from there in the direction of France. Its a fearsome tactic!

    PrawnStar - I am not worthy! *grovels before the WC God*

    No need for cross cheques. You can send me 999.99 which the mention clearly merits *cough*. And I'll keep the penny I would have sent you (hey, I'm Scottish, did people really expect my bribes to be for large sums?)!

    sjones25 - I concur! However I also fear the other reasons I alluded to earlier. I cannot shake the belief that changing from Scotland to Great Britain would bring about my quick death. Scotland is pitied, Great Britain is feared!

  17. #57
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    The Scottish people are getting very worried. Things are going disconcertingly well at present. More land has been added to the sprawling empire...



    More cash flows into Scotland's coffers (and promptly flows out again in the direction of the nearest pub).



    What exactly is going to befall a cowering people? Things can never go this well without some kind of payment being exacted in return.

    The people of Scotland decide that they need a holiday in order to alleviate their worry. Castille is nice at this time of year...



    The war progresses well. Castille puts up little of a fight these days. Her citizens have learned to welcome Scots. Unlike most conquering armies, the Scottish force always leaves her victims richer after victory. Most of the average Scottish soldiers cash dissappearing into the nearest pub.

    Aragon is nice enough to hand over Nice (don't worry, I slapped myself after typing this).



    Castille is no less forthcoming after her provinces are once again occupied.



    Publicans throughout the newly acquired Scottish lands recjoice.

    1456 is a quiet year. Unless you are an Aberdonian.



    (no doubt that horrendous attempt at a joke went over the top of all non-Scot's heads. Probably went over the heads of most Scots come to think of it... - and yes, I slapped myself again after typing it)

    1457 is a more lively year. Scotland loses her reconquest cassus beli v. France. France is a mere shadow of her former self, unable to gain access to large swathes of her land, rebel occupation of Dauphine was able to fester away.



    Once again a small state has cast away the chains of an incompetent, tyannical government! Part of the newly and proudly independent Dauphine is once again shackled. As Rouergue is promptly seized by Scotland.

    The national focus is moved to Auvergne. For some reason the citizens of newly acquired French land are considering revolts against Scotland! Anyone would think that being part of a nation famed for drinking, skulduggery, oafishness and obesity was a bad thing.

    Claims are once again fabricated against Brittany. How anyone accepts these things as genuine is truly puzzling. Especially considering said claims are written on the back of Jimmy McBonds shopping list. Nonetheless...



    Finally Scotland's long feared disaster has struck! Truly few things could occur which would more strike fear into a Scottish heart!



    Woe is us!

    Oh yes, and Genoa declare war on Scotland. Nowhere near as serious an issue.



    France are soon brought to the peace table. They have been shocked by Scotland's verve, tenacity and skill in battle over the last few months. Scottish soldiers have been left cruelly sober since the wine crops failed. They fought desperately in order to secure a new source of alcohol. At last this is accomplished.



    A short while later some peasants approach the King. They explain that if given a bit of freedom, they could take on a bit of his, no doubt, strenous workload (they manage to keep straight faces whilst saying this). The King when confronted with reasoning which will mean he can do less work, readily agrees.



    Genoa is annexed on the 15th July 1459. A date to go down as a black day in Scottish history. With yet another centre of trade now under Scottish control, alcohol has risen in price once again.
    Last edited by morningSIDEr; 20-02-2010 at 04:09.

  18. #58
    Field Marshal blsteen's Avatar
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    My heart bleeds for the poor Scot's who had to endure the...foul brew. Always nice to see France be humbled again and again.
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  19. #59
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    Thank you hugely for the continued interest blsteen, it is greatly appreciated!

    Regarding the constant wars against France and Castille...its proving sadly very monotonous at present (much like my attempts at jokes). I am actually wanting to strike at Burgundy, but as they are part of the Empire, the HRE of Austria would most likely take part in any such war. Whereas war against one or the other could possibly end in a Scottish victory. I think my own poor playing ability would bring about defeat if I faced both countries at the same time, at present.

    Thus I continue to pick the cowards path of hammering two half-dead nations. I've checked Burgundy's gaurantee's and there does appear to be a way to get them into war without also bringing Austria in - namely declaring war on Cyprus, who they do gaurantee. However fabricate claims is greyed out as an option against Cyprus at present. I am far too wary to declare war on them without a cassus beli, especially now that overextension has fired...so at present I'm afraid things will remain rather dull. Unless a large nation actually attacks me!

    However if my army grows a bit larger...

  20. #60
    General morningSIDEr's Avatar
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    The Scottish people have finally realised they have land in three continents. Things are going well. Heads begin to explode.



    Algiers is annexed on the 17th May 1460. The Pope had declared a crusade against the infidels. Scotland rallied to the call desperately repentant after recent allegations made regarding our drinking, viciousness and imbecility to the Curia. The fact that this new land connected Biskra with the rest of Scotland's African land did not enter the heads of those involved at all.



    In what has become something of a tradition now, Scotland declares war on Castille. Castilians everywhere are confused as to why Scottish wars of reconquest never actually see Castilla La Vieja become a Scottish province. They are further confused as to why it was ever considered a Scottish province...until visitors to the province notice that La Viejan's are flabby, rum sodden oafs.



    Of Castilla's army of approximately 30,000 men, 20,000 were garrisoned in Africa. This time Scottish men were left to defend Scotland's African provinces. The 20,000 Castillians fell to the usual Scottish war strategy.



    A new King takes to the throne! All hail the new King (apart from those 2,000 in the Western Isles apparently)!



    It transpires that the previous King had never really left his sickbed all those years ago. He could well have been dead for years. Considering how well things have been going recently, it is likely he has been.

    Robert IV is a man of diplomacy. He actually stumps up when its his time for the round of drinks. He also attempts to refrain from throwing up over other people and their property. Such a man would easily have won Scotland friends...if only everyone did not already hate her so much.

    Truly Robert proves himself a man of unsurpassed ability!



    Never before has Scotland seen such competence. You shall ever after be dubbed Robert the Great...ly Drunk.

    Robert's great diplomacy is actually winning Scotland friends.



    Okay, well sparring buddies then.

    Scotland's long held policy of neglecting her navy, due to the fact that her citizens would flee from Scotland at the drop of the hat if given the means to do so, has finally been ended. Robert is quite the moderniser. After hearing a sterling joke he decides that the navy cannot be all that bad.

    What is long, hard and full of seamen? The, as yet uninvented, submarine (yes, I slapped myself hard after typing this)!



    Milanese forces fall to the usual ruse. Its simply astounding that numpties such as the Scots are actually able to dupe anyone.



    Alongside nicking Castille's colonies of Rio del Oro and Tuat, Scotland gain substantial new swathes of land in the ensuing peace deal with Castille. More land to ruin!



    Robert IV is proving himself a man of unprecedented ability. Admittedly being able to put his trousers on the right way around at the first attempt would gain him such a reputation in Scotland. The peace deals secured with Robert at the helm, the victories in battle...truly he is proving himself Scotland's greatest Ki-



    Damnation.

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