WAAR of the Worlds
Vienna, September 1552
MY EMPEROR. I BRING YOU MOMENTOUS NEWS!
Don't you have anything better to do, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
NO, MY EMPEROR. I REPORT THE TAKING OF HANNOVER AND MÜNSTER FROM KLEVES, OSTMARCH AND MAINZ FROM HESSEN, THE DIPLOMATIC ANNEXATION OF GENOA, AND THE ANNEXATION OF HELVETIA.
How quaint, how about
*aah* NO, MY EMPEROR. I DIDN'T SEE ANY ANGELS, BEASTS RIDING FORTH, INVISIBLE FLAMING SWORDS, NOR SIGNS OF THE COMING APOCALYPSE, EXCEPT FOR THE PRESENCE OF THE DEMONS. *hhsss*
Well, in that case, do you have anything of substance to tell me at all?
AUSTRIA IS AT PEACE.
Peace?
THE BRIEF INTERLUDE BETWEEN WARS, THE REARMAMENT PHASE.
Oh that. I'd quite forgotten what peace felt like after these seven years of war! See that it doesn't happen again.
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, April 1553
I'm at war again!? Against Mecklenburg & Co. ?
YES, MY EMPEROR.
Vienna, May 1553
Scotland as well, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
YES, MY EMPEROR. THE SO-CALLED NATIONS THAT HAVE ARISEN FROM THE DEMONSPAWN CIVIL WAR AREN'T LED BY TRUE HUMANS. THEY HAVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN POSSESSED BY THE DEMONS.
Allll right. And that's bad, I take it?
YES, MY EMPEROR: VERY BAD. THEY UTILISE THE INFERNAL WEAPONRY BUT USE HUMAN BODIES FOR SOLDIERS, WHICH MEANS THEY ARE MORE NUMEROUS THAN THE DEMONS THEMSELVES.
Okay, bad. I just wanted to be sure. Don't you think this might be one of the signs?
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, August 1554
Emperor! It has gone too far! The Lord of Bones must be stopped. He is leading Austria ever deeper into the Abyss
I thought that was where we were headed anyway, Count Dynamo, it is the last days, after all.
Quite. However, sacrificing thousands of soldiers to his vainglorious dreams of conquest against the entire world is madness. Madness! Emperor.
Do you have a point, Count Dynamo?
I'm telling you, that unless you remove that monstrosity from his position posthaste, you will be facing a political crisis!
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, COUNT.
Hah! See him being carried in by his minions, the unholy creature. My strength is as ten because my cause is just!
SO MOTE IT BE.
Arrrrgghhh. No! Not the..the...the....
THUS PERISH ALL OPPOSITION, MY EMPEROR. NOTICE: HIS STRENGTH WAS ONLY AS FOUR. THUS, BY IMPLICATION, HIS CAUSE WAS UNJUST.
Good point, Supreme Fieldmarshal. But what about this Political Crisis?
LEAVE THAT TO ME, MY EMPEROR.
Augsburg, January 1555
*hhhssss* ON BEHALF OF THE EMPEROR: THE RELIGIOUS STRIFE IN EUROPE WILL END. WHILE THE PROTESTANT DELEGATES HAVE MADE MANY INTERESTING POINTS, THEY ARE NEVERTHELESS IN A SUBSTANTIAL MINORITY. THUS IN THE SPIRIT OF COOPERATION AND UNIVERSAL GOODWILL, THE RELIGIOUS PEACE TERMS ARE AS FOLLOWS: THERE IS ONLY ONE RELIGION, CATHOLICISM. *aaah*
SO CONVERT TO THE TRUE FAITH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE OR BE CONVERTED. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Vienna, January 1556
LISTEN TO ME WELL, GENERALS. I KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU HAVE BEEN ADVERTISING A FLEXIBLE FRONTIER STRATEGY BASED ON HIGH QUALITY RAPID REACTION FORCES. *aaah* THE EMPEROR WILL HEAR NOTHING OF IT, AND NEITHER WILL I. *hhsss* AUSTRIA WILL CONTINUE TO USE A CENTRALISED DEFENSIVE STRATEGY.
But, Lord of Bones, this will dramatically lower the quality of our troops!
*hhsss* JUST DO IT, GENERAL SHACKLES *aaah*
Vienna, October 1556
It was a dark and stormy night, but then it would be, wouldn't it? While sunny and a gentle breeze may be all right for some occasions, for others only one sort of weather will do. And this dark and stormy night was dark and stormy with a vengeance, having been excluded from the narrative ever since 1419.
Have you brought momentous news, again, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
*aah* AS A MATTER OF FACT, MY EMPEROR, YES. *hhssss*
Regarding conquests, annexations, bloody wars and such?
VERY PERSPIRACIOUS, EMPEROR. HOW DID YOU KNOW?
Everything that has transpired has done so according to my plan...
REALLY?
Not hardly. Just a qualified guess, really. Well, whatever. Unless Austria is at peace, I couldn't care less. I've had a vision, you see.
*hhsss* NOT BEING AT PEACE, MY EMPEROR, I ASK OF YOU: WHAT VISION? *aaah*
I saw myself in a strange place, throwing lightning and glorying in my power, which had brought me domination over everything.
TELL ME MORE, MY EMPEROR.
You were there, by my side, standing tall and strong, and nobody could stand against us. Some demon-possessed one-handed punk with a demonclaw replacing a truehand attacked us in a last-ditch attempt to bring the plans of his demonic masters to fruition.
INTERESTING.
To me, it is clear. It is a sign from God that together we may prevail against the Legions of Hell, thus halting the encroaching darkness.
*aah* MY EMPEROR: TELL ME MORE *hhss*
Yet it will take much hard work to bring this about. In my vision I saw you fail against the demon-punk in a battle with swords of light, before I brought my powers to bear upon him.
UNFORTUNATE THAT I MUST FALL, YET A SMALL PRICE FOR VICTORY.
As I see it, Supreme Fieldmarshal. We have three immediate problems. One, to get you a mobile body
I'LL GET SOME OF THE ARTIFICERS WORKING ON IT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, MY EMPEROR.
Two, design swords of light.
A TASK FOR THE PRIESTS.
Quite. And three, I need to learn how to throw lighting.
I THINK I CAN HELP YOU THERE, MY EMPEROR. AMONGST THE WRECKAGE LEFT BY THE DEMONS, I HAVE FOUND THAT WHICH MAY HELP DEVELOP THESE POWERS.
...
Sure is cold up here on the parapet, isn't it, Supreme Fieldmarshal?
*hsss* I WOULDN'T KNOW, MY EMPEROR. *ssshh*
What with the heavy rain, the roar of the storm, the dark and cloudy night sky, and the sound of wolves howling from the forest.
THERE IS NO FOREST WITHIN MILES, MY EMPEROR.
Whatever. Now, what was I to do again?
TAKE THESE DEMONIC RODS. THRUST THEM TOWARDS THE HEAVENS TO HARNESS THE POWER OF THE LIGHTNING, THEN POINT THEM AS YOU DIRECT THE FORCE.
Oh, right. Let's see left hand, check. Right hand, check. In the name of God!
With an ear-shattering boom, the storm releases its pent-up lightning with a vengeance. Stabbing down from the heavens, once, twice, thrice, a dozen times, nay a score, the lightning flows through the lightning rods and through the Emperor Karl V
Supreme Fieldmarshal! I can feel the Force within me! Noooooooooooooo
*UNTRANSLATABLE*
Vienna, the next day
*aaah* MY CONDOLENCES ON THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER, MY EMPEROR. HE WAS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD EMPEROR *hssss*
And now he's dead, and I'm in command! By golly, this is going to be G R E A T !
AS YOU SAY, MY EMPEROR.
Vienna, March 1560
MY EMPEROR, I BRING MOMENTOUS NEWS.
Right on! I've never had you bring me momentous news before, but I've heard all about it. I have my sources, you know, or my name isn't Ferdinand.
*aaah* THE EMPIRE HAS DIPLOMATICALLY ANNEXED FRANCE, TAKEN SIX TRADING POSTS FROM MECKLENBURG, ANNEXED MANTUA, ANNEXED SAVOY *hhhsss* ANNEXED DULKADIR,
Is that all?
TAKEN ADANA AND TRABZON FROM THE OTTOMANS, ANNEXED SAXONY, TAKEN GALICIEN, POZNAN, and *aaah* WIELPOLSKI FROM POLAND...
That is old news. You did that before I became Emperor. Haven't you done anything since?
KILLED REBELS, MY EMPEROR, AND ANNEXED MOLDAVIA AND GEORGIA.
That's not very impressive, Supreme Fieldmarshal.
*aaaahhh* AND WHEN THE DUTCH NOBILITY DEMANDED GENERAL ESTATES, I SHOWED NO MERCY AND GAVE THEM NO CONCESSIONS, WHICH MEANS THAT NOW THEY FEEL THE STEEL GLOVE OF THE EMPIRE, AND THUS THE EMPEROR, ON AN ALMOST DAILY BASIS. *hhhhssss*
That's better.
THUS, AFTER SEVEN YEARS OF WARS, AUSTRIA IS A PEACE.
What a shame. But it won't last, will it? The ladies of the court are so impressed by conquests, that I need a few conquests to fuel my conquests, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do.
*aaah* I WOULDN'T COUNT ON A LASTING PEACE, NO. *hhsssss*
This is going to be G R E A T !