Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

My sister informs me that the Count of Derbent's army is considerably larger than the paltry force fielded by the traitorous count of Kakheti.



I puff out my chest and proudly declare that regardless of the size of the Count's forces that God is on our side and that we shall prevail.

I then ask her to tell everyone how brave I am.



The masses love it.

Much to my consternation some brigands from Derbent sneak into one of my provinces and set the fishery ablaze!



Now, this might not seem a big deal to you but bear in mind that for decades Suenik was landlocked. Fish are a complete and utter big deal here.

I order a day of mourning.

With renewed vigor I anihilate Kakheti's army and bring them back into the fold...



...at sword point.

As I bask in my success a messenger arrives from my sister. It reads:

"Brother Dearest,
Remember that large Derbentian army I mentioned? It's come right for you.

Would you prefer to be buried or cremated?

Love,

Mira"



The filthy traitor! What sort of coward goes up against an opponent at odds of 4-1? Face me like a man!



Shahab remarks that he learned from the best (whatever that means).

Thankfully (although slightly humilatingly) Abogeymar is en route with a large force of his own.



As I'm licking my wounds in the palace my sister asks me if I'd like her to conquer Derbent for me. I snort and ask just exactly how she intends to do that.



Smirking I tell her to do her best.

What do women know about warfare after all?



Quite a bit it seems. I begrudgingly congratulate Mira on her good work. She smiles in that barracuda like way of her and says that seeing my impotent frustration and humilation blaze behind my eyes is all the thanks she neeeds.

As I'm relaxing I get some terrible news.



Isn't that part of the Kingdom of Nubia? I send out a messenger who returns with grave tidings.



It seems like the King of Nubia has been kicked out of Nubia and is currently living in exile in Aswan and that the Royal Palace is beseiged by rebels.

A dark day indeed.

Mira cheers me up with some good news.



If that swine tries anything I'll be ready.



Blimey - that was pre-emptive. Oh well, once more into the breach.

I get an estimate of Dwinese forces.



Pah - this'll be easy. I raise my personal army and we set out for Dwin. Look out - there's some hurting coming your way!



We meet in battle!

CHAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGG...

*twang*

*thud*




Yes - Mleh was one of the first to die. How embarassing.



How will Krikor fare? Will he be able to shake off his father's horrendous reputation? Will he live up to his namesake (and be a title factory)? Will Suenik fracture further? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - land of the beleaguered!

praxiteles said:

Bets about kingdomship anyone? I say Krikor will do it.

Click to expand...

Ooh. Interesting! Anyone want to take bets on whether he will manage it and if so what kingdom?

As Mleh's army bravely battles on without their leader...



...I, Krikor son of Mleh take up the mantle of Prince of Suenik. I tell you, it's not an easy role. It seems that my father spent the vast majority of his time antagonising his subjects, his family and his vassals and the rest of the time behaving like a hooligan and beating them into submission. Then, just as the whole country started creaking at the seams he very selfishly gets shot with an arrow and dies in a ditch somewhere in Dwin!

Honestly - I'm now left trying to hold Suenik together, and by now it has all the integrity of a four week old corpse that's been left out in the sun near a nest of hungry Gurgens...

Thankfully my father's men persevere and I bring Dwin back into the fold.



He explains that he's never had any problem with me and thinks I would make a wonderful soverign. I'm not sure I believe him.

I'm also rather puzzled when a group of ragged looking tramps turn up in my court wailing and gnashing their teeth and asking for "asylum". Intrigued I ask who they are and they claim to be refugees from the Kingdom of Nubia. I'm about to ask why they're here when trumpets herald the arrival of another envoy.



It seems like the rebels in Nubia have finally won their struggle.

Speaking of rebels...



Honestly! How did my father deal with stuff like this? I was quite happy being the son of a Prince and contenting myself with hunting, wenching and that sort of stuff. Nobody mentioned anything about having to put down revolts!

Thankfully aunt Mira (my spymaster and my dad's sister) is on hand. She places a soothing hand on my shoulder and explains that I simply need to relax and that she'll help sort this out. She just has to speak with a few people.



I soon receive news that the Count of Theodosiopolis' castle is beseiged by his own men. Phew. I tell aunt Mira that I don't know how she did it, but she knows all the right people. She smiles and purrs that I shouldn't forget it.

Was that a threat?

I'm so confused.

Bishop Levon comes to advise me and explains that he may be able to help repair some of the damage done by my "viscious, tyrannical, irresponsible father". I can't argue there so I agree to his plan.



Very soon the Count of Theodosiopolis is begging for mercy.



My aunt smiles and pats me on the head before swishing off.

However, my joy is short lived when someone else declares war...



I have no idea who these people are or where they are so I ask the royal cartographer to show me on a map. When I see how geographically remote they are I ask just why exactly could they have a grievance with us? Someone points out that my father may have antagonised them...

Thankfully, before they have amassed an expeditionary force (and before I've had to raise an army to bankrupt the realm further) the invading arab hordes have a falling out.



I accept!

As fate would have it though I simply bounce from one disaster to another. A few days later this guy shows up challenging Aboughamar (I think my dad disliked him) to a duel.



Being a responsible ruler I deny permission. I'm not my father - I've no reason to want to see Aboughamar hurt.



WHAAAAAAAT? Is everyone here MAD or something? I've spared him a potentially lethal duel and he leaves in disgust? I don't understand any of this!

Some good news arrives. Before he died Toros sired another little Toros.



Hopefully Toros II will be less crazy than his dad!

My chancellor then comes up with a very sensible suggestion.



Suenik's reputation is complete dirt thanks to my father's shenanigans. I have no desire to go waltzing off on foreign adventures while I've got a fracturing realm to contend with. Therefore I agree with this wise advice.

The Count of Derbent then decides that he wants to go it alone.



I will NOT allow the realm to fall apart!



It's then that my step-grandfather decides to pitch in on Derbent's side.



I'm not amused by any of this. Nobody mentioned how horrible being a Prince was. Worry, anger and rage fuelling me I steam into Semender and put my traitorous grandfather's armies to the sword.



As my armies head toward Derbent I am then bothered with some trivia.



At this stage I don't care what they do as long as they don't join the hordes of people taking up arms against me! Everyone stares at me before someone dares to say "But Mleh wouldn't..." He doesn't finish his sentance. I think he sees the look in my eyes.

The crazy, just-this-far-from-ripping-your-throat-out look.

My pagan subject build an idol in my image.

I'm not sure if this is good.

However, what IS good is this:



Given that my realm's treasury is looking like this:



...what do you think I did?

That's right - I refused it, took BOTH of their provinces AND all of their money! Suenik is in the black again!

I decide to keep one of the provinces for myself and award the other to Gurgen.



It's then just a matter of mopping up Semender. My grandfather is dead and his son (my uncle?) seems a lot more amiable to my terms.



So...

Rebellions...

Intrigue...

Death...

Destruction...

I'm really not sure I'm cut out for this...



Will Krikor manage to hold it together? Will Suenik fracture? Will Toros II mature into a mighty beast of a man? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - land of the beleaguered!

My step-mother (who I understand was largely responsible for a good proportion of my father's moodiness) claims that she is unloved and unwanted.



Personally I don't have time for the old hag's moaning so I scream at her to get out of my sight. This seems to shock people and start a lot of hushed whispering in corners, but I don't care. It makes me feel better.

A LOT better...

Which is fortunate as I start to feel a whole lot worse when I get the following news.



I make it quite clear to the imbecile who she is sleeping with that he has precisely till sundown to leave my realm or I will have him hunted for sport.



He enquires if by "realm" I mean my demense or that of my subjects too so I simply smile like a shark. He leaves. In a hurry.

This makes me feel better.

A LOT better...

However, as day follows night complete and utter calamity follows mild good fortune.



I can't even pronounce the agressor in this case, let alone find him on the map! However, I mobilize my host and prepare for war.

He's allied with the eternal foe of Suenik, the Emir of Derbent, so I order my forces to take a detour via his land and wrench it from him.



This makes me feel better.

A L...oh, you know what's going to happen next by now, surely?



Yes.

Defeat.

Huge, crushing, violent, nauseating defeat. Poor Levon is sent fleeing from the field after his forces are completely massacared by the enemy. Who then proceed to bed in and conquer the province.



This makes me feel worse.

A LOT worse...

I spend some time trying to find where my foe it and my wisest scholars eventually find them on a map (check out the white dot).



This can only mean one thing - these people are attacking me because of something my father did. I have no interest in becoming involved in a long drawn out conflict with someone who I have no quarrel with, so I employ a time honoured Grigor Defence.



Meanwhile Levon struggles on against the, suddenly significantly reduced, force of the Emir of Derbent.



This doesn't do much to improve my mood, but just on the off chance that it might have, fate throws another random foe at me.



It seems they have issues with my harbouring of "dangerous Nubian rebels". I close my eyes, take a deep breath and count to ten.

It works - I receive good news almost straight away. Levon has managed to put the Emir to flight despite losing almost all his men!



Out in the streets there is much consternation...



I'm not my father - I don't have any issues with my peasantry. In fact, I believe them to be the backbone of this realm. They have supported me so I shall support them.

Their tears of joy and gratitude make me feel most humble.

But not as humble as the Emir of Derbent must be feeling.



I am not a greedy ruler though so I hand out some land to my loyal subjects.





(truth be told I'm ready to explode with the stress of managing my demense as it is!)

With calm and order slowly returning to the realm, some of my grateful peasants invite me to a celebration.



I accept and am made guest of honour. It's an interesting affair - very different from the staid Orthodox ceremonies. For starters, it takes place in the heart of the woods, not some cold, dusty cathedral...

My guide (and the group's high priestess) explains that their ritual is to give thanks for the bountiful harvest and the continuing prosperity of the realm. They form a circle and start chanting. She raises a chalice over an altar that's made of some slick, dark stone. Wait! Is that stone or is it...no...have they spilt blood on the altar? What can this mean?

I go to leave - disgusted, nauseated - but strong arms grip me and drag me forwards. I scream to my bodyguard but they are pulled down by the peasantry and slaughtered like animals. Sgruggling and fighting - I desperatly try to stave off the inevitable but it is no good. I am made to face the high priestess and am thrown at her feet.

She lowers her arms and there is silence. Then, fixing me with her gaze she says "And now, oh prince, you shall know the truth, and by knowing you shall become one of us."

A mist starts to form over the alter, a stinking, fetid cloud that hangs there obscenly; pulsating like a rotten heart threatening to burst and spray its foul ichor over all assembled. As I watch it slowly expands and grows till it is larger than us all. I try to turn my face away but then I catch a glimpse of something within the mist and I suddenly know...



Ia! Shub-Niggurath! The black goat of the woods with a thousand young!

Has Krikor lost it completely? Will he take up the peasantry's evil ways? What does this mean for the realm? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - land of the beleaguered!