Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR
- Thread starter iain_a_wilson
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Despite the fact that this really is just a light-hearted comedic take on Hell, you really have hidden some profound philosophical questions in here.
Thank you very much - I'm very flattered by this!
Reminds me awfully of someone I know...
You have to elaborate on that you realise! It's the law in these here parts.
Ha! Well, we've already established that kilts are manly in the extreme, so that leaves us with Irn Bru and Ibrox.
For those of you not aware, Scotland is the ONLY nation on God's fair earth where Coca-Cola is NOT the number one soft drink. Instead, we adore something called Irn-Bru which is part soft drink, part oven cleaner, and the world's BEST hangover cure (which, if you take Darwinism to heart makes perfect sense - either the Scots or the Irish were sure to stumble upon one at some point). You only need to look at Irn Bru to realise just how bad it is for you - it's a really garsih day-glo orange in colour, and it leaves the insides of glasses having the same kind of sheen. But damn, does it taste nice (and after a night on the beer it is a Godsend!). Mind you, I recall reading that it's illegal in some American states because of the sheer amount of crap in it.
But if you've not tried it, give it a go. You can always use it to clean an engine or something if you don't like it.
As for Ibrox (or Castle Greyskull as I prefer to refer to it as) it is home of Glasgow Rangers, Scotlands other big football club (the other being the glorious Glasgow Celtic). I won't go too deeply into this, as I'm a Celtic fan myself (so I will be accused of horrendous bias) but the short version is that Glasgow (and by extension Scotland as a whole given that the majority of the country's population live in the Greater Glasgow area) is stricken with sectarian er...problems that are largely reflected in Glasgow's two football clubs. Take a read of this for more information (and come back thinking "But aren't we living in the 21st century?").
Aye...spill the beans ya shameless tease, Ian!
This is known as "building dramatic tension".
It appears to be working
What?
Don't worry - I've been called worse!
Thank you very much, although I doubt that John Milton is worried about me stealing his credentials yet!
You're too kind to him!
You've followed Suenik's rulers for long enough to know to expect this. Remember Krikor I?
Should I trade mark it?
Thanks again to everyone for their comments - I appreciate them all!
On a different note, if none of you have done so yet, I recommend swinging by the bAAR. It's initiatives like this that will help bolster the community feel of AARLand, and I urge you all to take part! Do it for Suenik
Dear lovely readers,
I heartily recommend that you all go and show this AAR a bit of support - it's the only other AAR I know of that features a List. And in the title no less.
Go and spread some Suenikian love!
Iain
I heartily recommend that you all go and show this AAR a bit of support - it's the only other AAR I know of that features a List. And in the title no less.
Go and spread some Suenikian love!
Iain
God, why do I get the sense that "Suenikian love" is something that involves a lot of fumbling about and horrible mistakes, with the end-results of it being both painful and embarrassing?
So Satan has a list of his own, eh? Makes sense. I do wonder what effect 'black marks' would have on one's soul. After all, Ruben's already in hell..
It's called "continuous evaluation", I think . In the right hands, can keep you in hell for eternity even if you're just an innocent lamb like Ruben. What's a Papicide or three, after all? Didn't Popes do worse things to each other, and to their corpses? And he *was* crazy at the time. No, it's just an elaborate frame-up, I'm sure...
. In the right hands, can keep you in hell for eternity even if you're just an innocent lamb like Ruben. What's a Papicide or three, after all? Didn't Popes do worse things to each other, and to their corpses? And he *was* crazy at the time. No, it's just an elaborate frame-up, I'm sure...The next Suenikian (Suenikean?) innocent ruler will be the first. Except maybe Krikor II, and he's probably in Hell just to make sure he feels at home. Heaven would be too disconcerting.
Seconding those praising this depiction of Hell and Lucifer. Seems appropriate.
Seconding those praising this depiction of Hell and Lucifer. Seems appropriate.
You've described the formative years of most British teenagers there...
Ever been in a meeting where everything's been going wrong, and you open your mouth to try and make things right, but some little weasel scribbles down everything that you say and you know they're going to use it against you later? It's that kind of feeling.
It's called "continuous evaluation", I think
See below...
Thanks! I'm glad you like it.
Ok folks - here goes...
SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 86 - The Final Chapter
(1191)
CHAPTER 86 - The Final Chapter
(1191)
"Ok - here we go. The real reason you're sitting talking to me..."
"Come on! Tell me! I'm fit to burst!"
"Fit to burst you say? Hmmm. Maybe I could arrange some sessions with Mr Spaniellodger and then you'd really know what that term means."
"Sorry, I'm just - you know - impatient."
"Oh I'm very aware of that. I know everyone's sins, remember? I'm kind of like Santa Claus in that sense."
"Santa who? Is he some Iberian saint?"
"No - he's a commercial, American bastardisation of Christian principles."
"American? Don't you mean Aremenian? And if you do, I don't seem to remember us ever thinking up something like that. Although, saying that Krikor I may have, and if he did, Bagrat I probably removed it from the history books. After all, the whole Krikor business was a bit embar..."
"Are you finished?"
"Yes. Sorry. Just a bit nervous that's all."
"So you should be. The reason you're here is because you've offended God."
"WHAT?!?!?"
"That's what it says here."
"I've offended God? How? By killing the Pope?"
"Popes. Plural."
"But I thought you said that wasn't the reason I'm here!"
"It's not."
"But you just said I had offended God by killing His Popes."
"No I didn't. I merely corrected you when you said you'd only killed one Pope. I didn't say anything about that being the reason God had inflicted you upon me."
"So that's not the reason I'm here?"
"No. Look; let me break it down for you. Why do Kings and Emperors rule?"
"Simple - they have a divine right to do so!"
"Exactly. They have a mandate from The Most High to rule on earth. Now, why is suicide a sin?"
"Er? What? I didn't kill myself did I?"
"No. Just answer the question."
"Suicide is a sin because God gave you life and it is not yours to extinguish. Look. I really don't see what this...ah..."
"Penny dropped?"
"Er...kind of. You mentioned earlier that I was the Count of Suenik, didn't you?"
"That I did."
"And I wasn't deposed in a violent uprising?"
"Nope."
"And no foreign army cast me from my throne?"
"There was no power in place that could even begin to challenge Greater Suenik's power."
"Ah."
"Indeed."
"I gave away all of my titles didn't I?"
"Bingo."
"And because of the Divine Right to rule this really peeved God?"
"Yup."
"Would it help if I said I wasn't of sound mind and I'm really sorry for what I did?"
"Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to consider just how sorry you are over the ensuing epochs."
"Why did I do it?"
"Why? Apparently you wanted a 'quiet' life and wanted to 'go back to basics'."
"Really? Wow. Simply wow. I'm screwed aren't it?"
"I prefer to use the term 'in for a world of spiritual rehabilitation'."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"One question - who did I give the titles to?"
"Remember your wife?"
"Vaguely."
"Your cunning wife that also used to be your spy master before you replaced her with some bimbling idiot with a bad hair cut?"
"Ah. Yes. I do. She was following a fine Suenikian tradition wasn't she?"
"You bet - I've got dibs on her should she ever end up down here. She was the one that fostered your desire for a quiet life."
"Damn. I must have been REALLY out of it."
"Well, she convinced you that after killing every Pope in sight that you had done God's work and deserved a rest. That you could relax as Count of Suenik and be lauded as a hero for the rest of your days without having to concern yourself with the onerous duties of state."
"And that's it? That's how I ended up here?"
"Well, there was the small matter of the assassins that she sent to your bedchamber, and the army that she was sending to Suenik, but yeah - that was largely it."
"Ouch. That's really bad."
"Yeah - sucks to be you."
"Actually, one question - what about my son? Surely he would take over in my stead? Surely even now he is plotting a war of revenge against that wretched harridan that I married?"
"Well, he tried."
"Tried?"
"Yeah - Suenik is now a backwater province of the Holy Roman Empress' domain, that's ruled over by some relative of the King of Nubia."
"Really?"
"R E A L L Y."
"Oh."
"Oh indeed. Anyway, that's our little chat over. I'll let Belial take you to the Pit of Lamentable Ignorance where your rehabilitation will begin. All that is left is for me to wish you all the best and to let you know that I sincerely hope you learn something from your time here."
"But...but...I was the head of great dynasty! A dynasty that rose from nothing to greatness!"
"...and which has nosedived back into nothingness. The irony, eh? Belial - once you've finished with Mr Gardman-Aghbania here can you send in Mira? There's a certain self-styled Holy Roman Empress I'd like her to keep an eye on. Suenikian women always have such a flair for the creative. Shame the same couldn't be said of their men."
F I N I S
so the big sin was a degree of unplanned downsizing ... followed by being murdered by his wife ... odd I just thought that sort of thing was normal in CK.
well many thanks for this genuinely brilliant AAR. I'm sure you'll get lots of comments from people who were in from the start. To me the highest praise is that discovering it late, reading most of it in a single afternoon (so the client got the report late ... these things happen), and then being disappointed that I'd have to wait along with everyone else. If Knut created the idea that comedy and CK were natural bedfellows, you've raised it to a higher form ...
well many thanks for this genuinely brilliant AAR. I'm sure you'll get lots of comments from people who were in from the start. To me the highest praise is that discovering it late, reading most of it in a single afternoon (so the client got the report late ... these things happen), and then being disappointed that I'd have to wait along with everyone else. If Knut created the idea that comedy and CK were natural bedfellows, you've raised it to a higher form ...
Excellent, excellent stuff. Very sorry to see this end but quite a stupendous ending. It does seem very Suenikan to give away your lands to the very person who will end up overthrowing you. Even more Suenikan that said person is your wife, the legacy of Mira lives on! I do love that Suenik is now part of the realms of a relative of the King of Nubia, is this relative from the same line as the Dongola restored to the throne of Nubia some years ago, only to be promptly conquered again, by that earlier Suenikan ruler (alas, the name of the ruler escapes me now)? I rather hope so!
Oh and this line is fantastic;
A Gardman-Aghbania is punishment for a demon rather than the otherway around! Congratulations on having finished this wonderful epic, I greatly look forward to your next AAR.
Oh and this line is fantastic;
A Gardman-Aghbania is punishment for a demon rather than the otherway around! Congratulations on having finished this wonderful epic, I greatly look forward to your next AAR.
Thank you for this great read! I suppose it's fitting that Suenik returns to its beleaguered form in the end.
I'll be honest, I'm really sad to see this AAR end but I'm glad that its been resolved and the loose ends have been tied up.
It's been quite a rollercoaster ride reading this and in the end, I must say that you gave it quite a fitting ending. As was said, this is the story of a kingdom that rose from nothingness to become a superpower only to nosedive into nothingness once more.
Brilliant work, good sir, I tip my hat to you.
It's been quite a rollercoaster ride reading this and in the end, I must say that you gave it quite a fitting ending. As was said, this is the story of a kingdom that rose from nothingness to become a superpower only to nosedive into nothingness once more.
Brilliant work, good sir, I tip my hat to you.