SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 85 - WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN THREE DEAD POPES?
(1191)
"Let me get this straight. I systematically hunted down and killed God's representatives on earth not once, not twice but THREE times, yet you're telling me what's really landed me in the doo-doo is something else. Something worse than being a serial Papicidal maniac?"
"Papicidal - I like that..."
"You mean you APPROVE?"
"Yes, what's not to like?"
"What's not to like? My actions were deplorable! Still, perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that you appr..."
"Woah! I approve of the word 'papicidal' that's all! It's catchy and fresh. I didn't say anything about condoning your mad rampages! Remember - I'm only here because of mower and alcohol related offences; I'm not ACTUALLY evil and horrible! Try and put all the Judeo-Christian propoganda aside and think of me as the reluctant overseer of an extra-dimensional retreat; a place where people can come to reflect on their mistakes in life and seek a measure of spiritual purity that their earthly antics may have denied them."
"You're joking, right?"
"Not at all - the whole point of hell is to help people come to terms with their transgressions and purify their souls for what comes next."
"But out there...in the Pits..."
"Granted, we have a very hands-on approach to our customers' spiritual wellfare..."
"Hands on? You employ a demon called 'Spaniellodger' to..."
"I'm fully aware of Mr Spaniellodger's brief, thank you very much. But you take my point, surely? Hell's one big washing machine for the soul - those of us who are working here are just doing a job, and aren't necessarily evil. Just following orders you might say."
"Why are you winking like that?"
"Ah - sorry. It'll take you another seven hundred and fifty years or so before that makes sense. But don't worry - you'll be here all that time so I'll catch up with you then to see what you make of it."
"I'm going to be here for seven hundred and fifty years?"
"What part of eternal damnation do you not understand?"
"But you said earlier...you know...the whole bit about purification..."
"Of course, once you're purified you're free to leave."
"But how does that gel with ETERNAL damnation?"
"Well, as long as your soul is damned, you're here. As soon as you've been cleansed of all impurities that you're off..."
"Off where?"
"Now that WOULD be telling!"
"How about I save you the bother and just say I'm really sorry now?"
"Oooh. There you go again! You've just blackened your soul a bit more!"
"What? How?!?"
"Well, you have no idea why you're here yet, have you? But there you are saying 'Oooh! I'm SOOOOO sorry!' without even knowing what it is you're sorry for or even attempting to understand WHY you should be sorry. Quid pro quo, you're telling me a lie, and that's a sin."
"Ok. Maybe I should just shut up."
"Maybe you should try and pay attention and understand the gravity of your actions. That was certainly a quality your mortal escapades lacked. When someone - I forget who - said 'patience is a virtue' they weren't lying!"
"Ok - I'm all ears..."
"That you go with the lies again!"
"What? Oh for fuck's sake stop being so literal! Wait! Why are you scribbling in that notebook?"
"I'm just adding 'cursing' to your tally..."
"Oh come on!"
"Just doing my job. If you knew what a traffic warden was you'd make a comparison right now."
"What's a traffic warden?"
"A breed of human. Who are kind of like me. Without the charisma and the devillish good looks."
"They must be horrible."
"You have no idea. So - would you like to know why you're here?"
"Very much so!"
"Are you sitting comfortably?"
"No..."
"Ah! The truth for a change - you're catching on. Ok, since you're sitting uncomfortably I'll begin..."
Will we ever find out what Ruben's done? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik: the Beleaguered!