SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 84 - Enter the Dragon
(1191)
"Ah! Ruben. At last. Please - take a seat."
"You're Satan?"
"I prefer not to be known by my nickname - Lucifer will suffice."
"Really?"
"Yes - the 'S' word always grates a bit. Imagine people called you 'King Everything's-Your-Fault'. You wouldn't like it much would yo..."
"No - I didn't mean 'Really? Is that what you prefer to be known as?' Rather, I meant 'Really? You're the be all and end all of evil?' Why are you sighing like that?"
"Mud REALLY sticks doesn't it? Honestly it's been...eternity and still I'm tarred with the naughty brush all because..."
"Belial explained about the goat."
"Goat? I'll be having words with him! I've never done ANYTHING with a goat!"
"But he said..."
"What do you take me for - a Frenchman?"
"No... Not at all - if you were I would imagine you'd be out there screaming as Spaniellodger er...lodged spaniels into you."
"Spaniellodger? I thought he was on sodomy detail this quarter? And before you say anything, that means he's in charged of metting out punishment to them, not..."
"I wasn't going to say a thing."
"Good."
"So..."
"Yeah. Shall we start again?"
"Sounds like a good idea."
"I'm Lucifer and you, Ruben Count of Suenik are here because..."
"Hang on, hang on - COUNT of Suenik?"
"That's what it says here."
"That must be some kind of scribal error."
"This leaf comes from the Book of Very Bad Deeds - there are no errors in it."
"Well, you've just had your first one! I am - sorry WAS - Emperor of Greater Suenik. Why are you chuckling like that?"
"You don't remember much of your time on Earth do you?"
"Things certainly were confusing, I'll give you that."
"You were mad."
"There was that too."
"Ok, let me give you the short version of events...wait a minute. Back at the begining of this conversation you were surprised that I was Lucifer. Why was that?"
"For starters, you don't look very demonic. Everyone else here has hooves, horns, tails - the whole demonic kit and caboodle. You though - you look a bit angelic."
"Ah - I see. Don't you worry your pretty little head about that - we'll come onto that later. Was that all?"
"Was that all? That's a pretty big deal if you ask me! I was already to come face to face with the most horrific horror the pit had to offer, and instead I find myself talking to something that wouldn't look out of place picked out in stained glass on a cathedral's window!"
"Some 'thing'?"
"Er...you know what I mean?"
"Considering your current predicament you really should choose your words more carefully Ruben."
"Apologies."
"Right... Your mind is clearly not up to remembering much of what happened during your brief tenure at the helm of the Suenikian Empire, so allow me to give you a whistle-stop tour."
"Ok - I can't say I'm looking forward to this."
"Good, good. Setting your own expectations early on - that's what I like to see. So - 1185 you come to the throne. You're not happy about it, but you're in good company because a whole load of your vassals are similarly displeased. To further add to your headache a lot of your Catholic subjects get up in arms at the thought of Orthodoxy being the state religion and this in turn leads to much tension in the Empire. And by tension I obviously mean 'Royal armies burning villages and hanging Catholics.' Is this making sense?"
"Sadly I do remember most of that. In my defence I was the one who was provoked."
"I wouldn't worry about that if I were you."
"Really? So you're ok with my unleashing my armies on rebellious peasants?"
"Personally I don't give a hoot. When you consider what you did later on a few barbequed serfs is small fry."
"Ah - it's the whole 'later on' bit I'm not too clear with."
"Where DO you remember up to?"
"Well, I remember seeing Catholic conspiracies everywhere, and I remember getting REALLY, REALLY stressed about it. And I remember a sign from God...and then I remember lots of people screaming and then I woke up here."
"Ok - well if we start with the old 'sign from God' business. Given your present predicament, do you REALLY think that what you saw as a sign from God was actually anything of the kind."
"You mean..."
"Yes, I'm afraid you mortals are hellishly - if you'll excuse the pun - good at misinterpreting what are perfectly natural occurances and transforming them into Decrees From On High."
"But what happened blew my mind!"
"That's because you're a flawed, imperfect creature from a flawed imperfect species."
"But if we were created by God..."
"Look, that's a whole different argument. It's got a lot to do with free will. Suffice it to say, if your mind went gaga over some poor guy catching leperosy, it's going to boil away into nothingness when I start explaining the mysterious of the cosmos."
"I see."
"You really don't. But lets carry on... Shortly after your epiphany you declared war on the Pope. And you slew the Pope in battle."
"Oops. I did, didn't I?"
"You did. But you didn't do it just once..."
"The Pope ressurected? I faced off some kind of zombie Pope?"
"No - I mean that you made it your mission to hunt down and declare war on the Papacy every time it resurfaced."
"Really????"
"Oh yes. When you consider how much trouble you get into for killing one Pope, just how much do-do do you think you're in for killing three of them?"
"Three?"
"Yup - count 'em..."
"Woah. That's...er...bad. Isn't it?"
"Well, he IS meant to be God's representative on earth."
"Hmmm... Ok. What's my punishment? I'm ready."
"Hold your horses there, bucko. We're not finished yet. A pile of dead Popes is the least of your worries."
"What? I did something worse?"
"Several things."
"Oh."
What has Ruben done? What will his punishment be? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik: the Beleaguered!