Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

Hi guys,

Apologies about the almost-five-months of absence. As the astute of you might have guessed, things have been rather busy in Wilson land.

However, I *HAVE* found the time to do another brief update. I'm not promising anything but I would like to make them a wee bit more regular (half a year seems a long time to wait between chapters!).

Also, apologies about the lack of piccies. One of my trials at the moment is the fact that my computer is throwing a wobbly (that's the technical term) and therefore I'm battling to get data (like screen captures) back from it. Therefore, I'm working largely from memory - hence the slightly non-gamey nature of this update!

Fingers crossed, normal service will be resumed soon!

Until then, I hope you enjoy the update.

Iain

"Ulp. Hi. You must be...er...you know..."

"Satan? The Adversary? The Devil? Lucifer? El Diablo? The Deceiver? The Great Dragon? The Serpent? Shaitan? The accuser of Job? The Wicked one? The..."

"Er...yeah. Him"

"I'm afraid not - he's out for lunch at the moment. I'm his personal assistant. Belial. Very pleased to meet you."

"Likewise - I think... So you're definately not..."

"...the boss? Of course not! What made you think that?"

"You know... Little things. The horns. The cloven hooves. The scales. The red skin. The trident. The tail. The wings. The fiery halo. The mantle of hatred, damnation and suffering that you wear like other lesser beings would wear a cloak..."

"Oh dear. You silly little thing. We ALL have those. It's like a uniform. Pay no heed to it. You'll get used to it. In fact, you'll have a lot of time to get used to it. An AWFUL lot of time. Eternity to be precise."

"Really?"

"REALLY."

" *sighs *"

"Cheer up you silly sausage!"

"Ow! Why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Punch me on the shoulder like that! It really hurt!"

"I'm sorry - it was meant to be a friendly, comforting gesture."

"Really? No offence, but in what universe can be being punched in the arm by a seven foot demon who is attempting to convey an atmosphere of Bon viveur be construed as in any way comforting?"

"Sorry. I'm afraid I've never been very empathetic. I try, but I think all those years working as Head Torturer eroded every tiny shred of humanity and pity I may have possessed and in their place filled me with bile. hatred, sadism and contempt for the rest of Creation. What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"The fact that you're terrifying me beyond my capacity for sane thought might have something to do with it."

"See? There I go again. How's about this? I'll take you for a little tour of the Pits. An induction if you like. Help you settle in and make this place feel a wee bit more like home."

"Home? This is a place where people are routinely tortured for fun by crazed maniacs, where no sane rule of law applies, where death and destruction are viewed as harmless pasttimes and which is ruled over by a despotic entity who is the very personification of evil. How on earth could this place feel like it was hom...ah... I see what you did there."

"Like I said - I want you to feel like you're at home."

"That was quite clever you know."

"I have my moments. Now, would you like to come this way."


"...and what is left we feed to the hellhounds. Now, over here we have the pits where the more 'fleshy' sinners are tortured."

"People are damned to hell just for being fat?!?"

"No - I mean those that have committed sins of the flesh. Over here you've got your adulterers, your fornicators, your..."

"Excuse me - aren't they the same thing?"

"What?"

"Fornication and adultery - they mean the same thing."

"No they don't."

"Yes the do - they both refer to extra-marital sex!"

"That they do - however, in adultery, at least one of the parties will be married to someone other than whoever they're...adultering with. And before you chime in 'adultering' IS a word. I just made it up and I'm carrying the trident."

"I wasn't going to say a thing."

"Good. Now as I was saying before you interrupted me..."

"I didn't interupt you - you derailed your own train of thought."

"There you go again. You know that I have the boss' ear, yeah?"

"Ok, ok - point taken. Please continue."

"Right. So your adultering couple..."

"Couple commiting adultery, surley?"

"You're really, REALLY trying my patience."

"Sorry, sorry! It just scans better, that's all."

"Your average ADULTERING couple - one or both of them will be married to a person other than the other adulterer. Wheras your fornicating couple will simply be a couple not married to EACH OTHER."

"Ah - I see! It's a subtle difference."

"That it is."

"So an unmarried couple doing 'it' - they would be guilty of fornication?"

"Yup."

"Wow - every day's a school day isn't it?"

"Damned right."

"That wasn't funny you know."

"What?"

"'Damned' right?"

"Oh - I see. Sorry, that wasn't intentional! Anyway, where were we? Right, adulterers, fornicators, masturbators, sodomites, voyeurs, necrophilics..."

"Hang on - who did you say those guys were?"

"Who?"

"Those ones over there. The ones making that wierd, muffled yapping sound. The ones that that demon is...actually, I don't know what he's doing. What IS he doing?"

"You don't want to know."

"Probably not. But who did you say they were?"

"Sodomites."

"But those people over there... They're like a who's-who of Byzantine Royalty through the ages!"

"Well, perhaps not everything that Aboulgharib said about them was flagrant propoganda after all..."

"Ouch. That really looks painful. Is that his job to do that to them?"

"Yes it is."

"But he looks really happy at his work!"

"Oh he is. Sulpherborn Spaniel-lodger loves his job. Infact, most of us love our jobs here - it's a great place to work."

"Really? Do you mean...hang on! 'Spaniel-lodger'?!?! That's really his name?"

"Of course - just like you humans have names that reflect your occupations, so to do we demons."

"Ah - that explains the muffled yapping. Urgh. Can we go elsewhere?"

"Certainly. So, lets move past the adulterers, fornicators, maturbators, sodomites, voyeurs, and necrophilics. Mind the burning brimstone. Right, over there, still in the Pits of Flesh, we have the sadists, the masochists, the coprophiles..."

"The who?"

"You REALLY don't want to know."

"Looking at what's happening to them I think you're right..."

"...the exhibitionists, the zoophiles and the French."

"The French?!?"

"Yes - the French."

"ALL of the French."

"Well, I've not counted them, but it looks like that's about all of them."

"You're telling me that an entire nation is heading towards damnation?"

"Have you ever been to France?"

"No...but..."

"But nothing...trust me on this one. So, as you can see..."

"What's that ringing noise coming from that cage over there?"

"Ah - hang on - that's my cell phone! I'll be right back. You wait here."

"Given that those are the coprowhatevers down there believe me when I state that I'm staying right here and not moving."

"Good - and don't talk to any strange demons while I'm gone. That's probably the boss calling to say he'll see you."

What's next for Ruben? An audience with Satan? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik: the Beleaguered!

Qorten said:

You are back. Excellent. Nice update, very funny!

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Thank you kindly. I aim to please!

Enewald said:

What bad did Ruben do during his lifetime?
Pay church taxes?

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That will be forthcoming...

loki100 said:

ah, log on for a bit of work evasion and I find this gem ... so Ruben really cranked up his act after bothering the Pope then?

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Yeah. Could have been a bit of Papal death involved...

Cornelius Rex said:

The day keeps getting better and better. This was one AAR I read complete and really hoped to continue reading.

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I'm glad I could be your little ray of sunshine!

Malurous said:

Great writing, so British. Happy to see the Suenik saga proceed!

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Being a Brit I should hope it was!

4th Dimension said:

Is it what my eyes see true. Has an update happened?!? Oh glorious day.

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Thank you

Space Oddity said:

I'm just happy to that this is back on.

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Back on it is indeed (bit Yodaesqe there). In fact, another update is just on its way.

morningSIDEr said:

Very good, extremely pleased to see an update for this once more. Rather makes me think that Suenik is not only similar to Hell but also very similar to Aberdeen.

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Well, it is a bit like Aberdeen. After all, the peasants and those goats...

Cunobelinus54 said:

Nice to have this back after a long wait. What is it with the French that makes them so universally despised?

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I actually don't mind the French but there's nothing like playing to the masses to get a cheap laugh

Johan11 said:

I need to stop laughing out loud in class.

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No you don't - it's a sign of a healthy mind

Thank you all - again - for your comments and continuing support!

"...and after that we cut off his eyelids and staked him out in the sun. Believe me when I say he's really regretting being so lecherous in life now!"

"That's lovely Belial. Really. Why are you telling me all this stuff?"

"Well, there's nothing like a jolly anecdote or two on your first day in a new place to settle you in, is there?"

"Ordinarily I'd agree, but when all of those anecdotes are about torturing the souls of the damned in grisly and creative ways..."

"I'm not helping, am I? I'm sorry - it's just that all of my experience to date concerns itself almost exclusively with torturing the souls of the damned in exciting and creative ways. Obviously there was the time before The Fall, but that was ages ago and not very exciting."

"The Fall? You mean the War in Heaven and..."

"Ssh! Ssh! Don't use the 'H' word! Gives me the heebie-jeebies!"

"Sorry. But that sounds very exciting! Tell me more!"

"There's nothing really to tell. A few of us got drunk and started an argument over who borrowed the lawnmower..."

"The what?"

"A lawnmower...ah...no temporal point of reference. How can I put it? Basically it's kind of automated goat that you lead round the garden and it trims your grass."

"Wait a minute - you're telling me that your fall from grace, the creation of hell and the influx of demons into our world was caused by some angels bickering over A GOAT?"

"Kind of. Look, we'd drunk a LOT, the boss was moaning about the fact that Him Upstairs had borrowed his lawnmower and never given it back and we all started egging him on to march round there and take it back. When he refused someone - I think it might have been Elogartha - started making chicken sounds and we all joined in. He then gave in and we all rocked over to the Big Man's house. I still remember Lucifer standing on the doorstep, and just before he pressed the bell saying 'What's the worse that can happen? He can only tell me to go to hell, right?' Boy - those were prophetic words..."

"You're joking surely?"

"Take a look around - does this look like a joke?"

"So the Almighty damned you to hellfire everlasting because Satan wanted his goat back?"

"Yes and no. I think Lucifer's tone irked him - there was a lot of slurred ranting and accusatory finger jabbing. Our timing wasn't great either. If memory serves me correctly we turned up around two in the morning, and when you're woken by a bunch of drunken angels in the middle of the night who are yelling 'MOWER! MOWER! MOWER!' at the top of their voices outside of your celestial palace you're never going to be in the best of moods, are you?"

"I can't say I've ever been in such a situation."

"I think the icing on the cake was probably when Dantalion was sick on His rhododendrons. None of us are quite sure of exactly what happened after that, but there was a flash of white light and next thing we knew we were here, horns and all."

"Wow. That's incredible."

"Not as incredible as my hangover the next day. You might say, it was a helluva hangover. Eh? Get it. Helluv..."

"Yeah. I get it. Just don't leer at me like that - it's terrifying."

"I wasn't leering. I was winking at you in a jolly, conspiratorial fashion."

"You're a seven foot personification of evil incarnate. Please take my word for it when I say you can't really pull off quirky camaraderie. Anyway, are we almost there yet?"

"Yup - we just have to take a short cut through the Pits of the Lost, turn left at the Sulphurous Springs of Eternal Torment and take the boat across the Lake of Burning Idolaters. Actually, here's a fine factoid for you! I think one of your relatives, Krikor I, can be found there from time to time. Isn't that nice?"

"Time to time?"

"Yeah - its a curious one. Under Divine Law he is destined to eternal damnation in the Lake of Burning Idolaters. However, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young feels some degree of responsibility for his actions so she occasionally lets him out for good behaviour."

"Good behaviour? How can you be well behaved in a lake of burning sinners."

"Writhing around, repenting of your sins and screaming generally qualifies as acceptable."

"And where does a damned sinner go on his day off?"

"Well, they've got the choice of doing the whole ghost thing, but I believe a lot of them wander the reaches of hell, looking into the other pits and thanking their lucky stars that they aren't receiving the tender ministrations of Sulpherborn Spaniellodger. It helps give them perspective."

"I'm sure."

"Anyway, the boat's here. I'm just going to nip over and use that cell phone to arrange your appointment - don't go away!"

"Like I have any choice."

"You'd be surprised."

Will Ruben ever get his audience? What will his punishment be? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik: the Beleaguered!