SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 78 - HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE GARDMAN (AGHBANIA)!
(1182-1184)
My name's Krikor - Emperor of Greater Suenik and the Holy Roman Empire.
Yes - I still find it hard to believe.
I've got so much to contend with. Dukes that don't speak my language, wars with nations I've never heard of it, political power plays by people who don't have names that look anywhere nearly Armenian enough for my liking, and, most confusingly of all, lots of Catholics.
However, some things stay constant.
Like my wife, for example. Once again she proves that there's nothing more likely to get women turned on than crowns, gold, sceptres, swords and all that other pomp and circumstance I now have in bucket loads.
Many things are often cited as aphrodisiacs - power being one of them. If this is the case I'm packing the equivalent of three tons of oysters, fried in asparagus sauce, drenched in champagne and topped off with a healthy dose of powdered rhino horn.
Not that any other woman has a chance - I'm a one woman man. As the most prominent figure in Christian society it wouldn't be fitting for me to behave in any other way.
Phew. I feel so much better. Having the love of a good woman is incredible. It's almost like a burden has lifted from my shoulders and I can just relax again.
However, as well as lustful women, my new title has sadly attracted to it a smattering of lunatics and fanatics.
Grigor here charmingly promises me a "harvest" of dead Bogomils (is that even the correct collective noun?)...
...whilst dear old cousin Toros here has spent every waking moment pouring over maps of the world claiming that soon he will have found a way to sweep away all of the enemies of the god emperor of mankind once and for all. He's even been badgering the royal chef to bake little cakes in my honour that he calls "Emperor Muffins". Apparently my German subjects have a different name for them...
Speaking of these enemies, it seems that the King of Croatia is close to collapse.
Drogo?!? What sort of name is that? Toros cackles and suggests that he sounds like the sort of man to lose his ring in the cracks of doom.
Whatever that means.
It sounds painful.
I have Toros taken back to his map room.
Probably for the best.
I have my herald advise "Drogo" what he can do with his offer, and a few weeks later receive word that the Croats have somehow landed a force outside the walls of Constantinople.
I admire Drogo’s audacity.
However, I also happen to like the walls of Constantinople the way they are. To great cheers I assemble my host and ride out to meet my foe.
Some might suggest that odds of thirty nine to one are unfair (or even cowardly) but I suggest to them that when one rules most the Middle East and Europe one can pretty much bloody dictate the odds as he pleases.
At the same time Mecca falls.
Toros tries to take the credit (ordering an extra large "Emperor Muffin" to celebrate) but everyone knows that it was I who masterminded it. They know this because I have heralds proclaim it all around the kingdom.
I'm the emperor of everywhere - I can do that you know.
Not everyone appreciates this though. People like the count of Ikonion still think they can take what they want from me.
Clearly he's never heard the "thirty nine to one" story...
My wife celebrates the fall of the holiest city in Islam by naming our new child after her.
It's a joyous occasion, but I can't help but feel nervous at the thought of living in a house with two Miras...
More great tidings soon arrive, when the King of Croatia agrees to bugger off and leave me in peace.
I remind him to leave all of his gold at the door on the way out.
Happy times.
It's almost as if I have been blessed.
I don't want to tempt fate, but in my new position of power it feels as if nothing could possibly go wrong.
Is this the end? Has Krikor tempted fate? Who is behind the assassins? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!