Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

Welcome back to Suenik. Conscious of the fact that I'm becoming an imperialistic warmonger my sister comes to me with a grand plan.



It's worth a try - after all last time we did this a nice new non-Seljuk realm popped up and I got to bring them into the fold.

It doesn't work though - like most things these days.

*sighs*

I cheer myself up by asking my minions for some cash.



They begrudingly agree and then walk off muttering. When I next see them they're clustered together whispering and eyeing me darkly.

Like everyone else these days.

*sighs*

A few days later my bishop points out to me that I'm not very well thought of in the church but not to fear; he's got a wonderful plan to make everyone believe I'm a veritable saint. I ask him what he means and he points out that nothing says "pious" more than a massive financial gesture. I look at all that lovely gold that my minions coughed up...





Seems I just can't keep hold of my money these days.

*sighs*

As I'm wallowing in self-pity I hear a rumour that my chancellor has branded me a "fiscally irresponsible kin-slaying freak". I storm round to have it out with him and find his estate empty.



Damn! I doubt I'll ever see a chancellor as good as him again.

Everyone's leaving me these days.

*sighs*

There's some good news though - seems like the people of Suenik have decided to expand their towns. More slums that I can tax! And less peasants!



I'm then called upon by my minions. They use words like "disaster", "falling apart", "not like this in your father's day" and "loser". And they offer to help. As long as I say that it was their idea.



I agree, the realm becomes less chaotic and it becomes blatent to my citizens that I'm not calling all the shots.

Everyone's laughing at me these days.

*sighs*

Abbogeymar choses the wrong moment to whine at me.



I threaten to sick Toros on him and he runs like a girl.

Toros overhears this conversation and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Apparantly all Toros wanted was to make me happy. And to make Abbogeymar bleed.



Everyone important to me is either insane or leaving these days.

*sighs*

A stern letter arrives from the Patriarch citing my numerous lapses in eclesiastical responsibility. I wasn't aware I had any!



I have words with my bishop who just shrugs and advises me not to test him.

Nobody loves me these days.

*sighs*

To confound matters worse it seems like the peasants in Albania still haven't mastered the whole "poo on the fields" business.



Even the peasants are more idiotic than usual these days.

*sighs*

I should probably just have them put to the sword but I really can't be bothered.

Another letter from the Patriarch arrives...



My sister advises me that her husband isn't available for comment.

Even my family hate me these days.

*sighs*

In fact...



...really bad timing my dear. I lock her in the dungeons for a few days.

And what's the first thing she does when she comes out?



With, guess who? We "have words".



Gurgen acuses me of being a mysognistic pig and storms out in a strop to be with his friends the Arabs.



Even my most manly courtiers are becoming hissy big bitches these days.

*sighs*

And, to confound it all, I find out that I now have Jack the Ripper as my chancellor...



Even my closest advisors are mimicking serial killers that won't be born for another seven hundred years these days.

*sighs*

To cheer myself up I give the wife another stint in the dungeon.



Clearly this goes down well in the cheap seats...



...but not with distant realtives that I've never really paid attention to.



With my realm rapidly emptying I do what any sensible ruler would do.



I build a castle to cheer myself up.

Will Mleh be able to raise himself out of his blues? Will the steady flow of people from Suenik end? Will Toros cease his rampage? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - land of the beleaguered!

the_hdk: Thank you - I'm glad you're enjoying it. The mod I use for the shields is Solo_Adhemar's metallic heraldry pack. It's been around for a good while and well worth an install.

Nodscouterr: Thanks for the vote of confidence! We shall soon see if there are any more victories to be had for mighty Suenik!

Alcohol is a dreadful thing...



It seems that Toros has given up his serial killer tendancies and has gone loopy in a way that actually makes him a better steward...



Bizzare but a welcome change to the reams and reams of bad news that has been swamping me of late.

I decide I want more good news so I go and wail on some tiny Arab state. As someone else would say, "the plan was simple".



...and five will give you ten this little guy's not mine!



And lo! The sands of Alania did run with blood!



I'm sure I dated a girl called Alania once.

The peasantry return to their old ways and take advantage of the fact that I'm off on a jaunt to throw sand in the air and make angry noises.



Anyone want to guess how I dealt with them?

Meanwhile I prove my military might by losing NO troops in battle.



Oh yeah - I'm on top of the world!

Could things be looking up?

Certainly looks like it!



I'm not sure what the outcome of this peace negotion is, but I get some more land...



...and the land is so crappy that I instantly start handing it out. Here you go step-Daddy Dave! Yup - things are good!



Oh.



Thanks sis. Like you had to do a lot of work to guess that one.

This time I take action - the filthy whore is off to a nunnery. Maybe you'll learn about sin and fidelity there you dirty harpy!



My steward also points out how much this whole war business is costing me so I ask my vassals to cough up and pay for it.



Nobody's too happy about it.

However, I'm very happy with my new castle!



Oh yeah ladies, check out the guns! It's stony, moaty and spacious.

Very spacious in fact - not that many people want to stay in it for some reason. No mind though - all the more castley goodness for me.

Oooh. Someone new to make friends with I think.



I wonder if they fancy coming into the fold? Failing that I wonder how disposed they are to being completely battered by my mighty army?

Meanwhile, my aunt follows that fine Suenik tradition of going completely, bloody bonkers.



When someone discovers genes I'll have my answer to why this keeps on happening.

Toros interrupts my revery screaming that the badgers have taken all of our money and that we're doomed.



Thankfully he keeps his clothes on this time.

Aunt Mira then pops her head round the door and apologises for her previous outburst. She claim's she's ok now.



I'm not sure I believe her but I let her take over stewardship duties from Toros. I think I'm making a wise and just decision here, even though Toros starts sobbing and giggling at the same time when I mention it to him.

My sis then comes up with a brilliant scheme to replinish the realm's coffers and stop Toros from going off on another murderfest.



These guys have nothing to do with me, ok?



Oh for goodness sake chaps it's not hard! We've been trying to work this out for almost forty bloody years now. The poo goes ON the field...



Should I kill my bishop? Should I? Should I sick Toros on him?



I have no idea what a complot is, but clearly Manuel digs it and rallies to my side in the most minor way possible.



Oooh. There's a turn up for the books! Someone who WANTS to be my vassal and didn't have to be convinced at swordpoint!



My chancellor then brings me a request...



...given my track record for putting the peasantry to the sword for making fairly reasonable requests I can't believe they didn't pre-empt my possible response to this and just do their naked dancing round the fire in secret.

Lots of screaming ensues.

For some reason this upsets Bishop McRandy who storms off in a huff...



...and who promptly returns six days later.




Will the Suenik empire continue to grow? Will Mleh's bishop ever cease his gypsy-like wanderings? Will Toros find the badgers that stole the gold? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - land of the beleaguered!

Welcome back to the Empire of Suenik!



A glorious sight, no?

Before we go any further, time for a little...


(was that loud enough?)

Does anyone remember Oddone di Montferratto? The inbred, dribbling idiot that was holding out against, the French, the English and the Germans?



Well, seems like someone in the Papacy was so impressed by his performance that they decided to beatify him!!! I've been putting heathens to the sword for YEARS and I don't get so much as a thank you!

Anyway, here's a quick glance at western Europe before we go back to Suenik:



It's a bit of a mess, isn't it? Not sure what's happening other than Germany exploded and the map suddenly became a mass of pretty colours. Oh and ignore the stabby dagger in the top right. It's become a bit of a permanent fixture there...

Anyway, back in Suenik Toros is so overcome with the news that Oddone di Montferratto is in line for sainthood that he collapses and dies of shock.



I order a week of mourning. It's not every day you lose a serial killing couriter with a hellishly manly name. Don't get me wrong, I'm very, very used to people vanishing on me - it seems to happen every few months - but Toros was special. In a deranged, murderous kind of way.

I'm pleased to see that The Almighty shows his sorrow at Toros' passing and leaves a little gift for his most bitter rival.



My mourning is interrupted by the important news that Roxana has learnt a lot working in the scullery. I beat the messenger.



After a week my mind is made up, and I decide that the best way to honour Toros' name is by butchering a smaller neighbour. I nod solemnly. It's what he would have wanted. I can just imagine his happy little face as he listens to the screams of the dying.



...and odds like these are always good!



Oh.

What's not so good is failing to pay attention and declaring war on a smaller neighbour just at the very moment they accept a vassalisation offer from the Kingdom of Egypt.

None the less I lead my men into glorious battle and slaughter my enemy's entire army (bar six scallywags who hit behind a cactus rather than fight)!



As I'm lining the catapults up for the siege some Egyptian shows up with a far bigger force. My men look to me for inspiration...



...and I lead them to glorious victory!



Oh happy days! I force the last ninja in Taron to accept my wise and just rule.



How cool is this? I've defeated a wildly smaller foe on my own without my sister's help!

And nobody's run away yet!

I feel happier than I have in a long time.

So happy infact that I give cousin Bagrat overlordship of Torosland (formally Taron).



Now for the Egyptians...

Will Mleh triumph against the Egyptians? Will Torosland prosper? Has Mleh's fear of his sister finally ebbed? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - land of the beleaguered!

Judas Maccabeus said:

Wait wait wait wait wait. Did Toros get killed by a little girl? Good heavens, that must be embarrasing. :rofl:

Click to expand...

Sssh! We don't talk about that...

Welcome back to Suenik. My name's Mleh, and I'll be with you in a minute - I'm a bit busy slaughtering my former allies in the Sheikdom of Bira.



There. Done and dusted.

Sorry about that.

So, where were we?

Oh yeah - I'd miscalculated horribly and attacked a vassal of the Egyptians which pee'd them off and now we were now at war. In fact, I'm busy tramping through some place called Palmyra, leading Suenik's finest against the heathen.



Take that heathens!

Meanwhile my sister comes up with a great idea to find an excuse to war with someone else...



...I point out that we're doing quite enough fighting at the moment thank you very much...



...and she throws a hissy fit. Naturally I cave an buy her off. I don't like scorpions in my bed.

Mira placated I wrench Palyra from the Egyptians. Mleh the mighty strikes again!



However, whilst I'm busy congratulating myself it seems like some sneaky Egyptian types have snuck into one of my provinces and are making a nuisance of themselves. I send Abogeymar after them.



The Egyptians are put to flight. However, one of my stroppy vassals decides to take advantage of the struggle I'm embroiled in and decides to have a go.



He can wait. I concentrate on winning the war against the Egyptians first.



While it would be nice to push on and cause their whole kingdom to fall apart I've got more pressing concerns. I make it clear to the King of Egypt that this should be a lesson to him and I settle for a white peace.



What? Stop looking at me like that! I know what I'm doing...

So - let's see this force that the Count of Kakheti has raised against me.



*helpless laughter*

I'm almost tempted not to even raise an army in challenge and simply let them starve to death en route!

Sadly, the count of Derbent seems to be following in the footsteps of the Emir of Derbent in being a complete and utter annoyance.



I guess I'm going to have to raise that army after all.

Will Suenik ever be at peace? Has Mleh's kinslaying finally caught up with him? Will the Count of Kakheti's army all desert before they reach their target? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - land of the beleaguered!