Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

[Murmurandus]

I bet he'll get pneumonia and will die of old age...

[TheExecuter]

My bet is that he is captured and held for ransom.

[Threedog43]

The only thing to do with a Krikor is to burn it!

[Ovg]

I bet he'll die and join Mleh&co in the Afterlife.
Great AAR . Just finished catching up.

[Iain Wilson]

I bet he'll die and join Mleh&co in the Afterlife.
Great AAR . Just finished catching up.

Hi Ovg,

Welcome aboard - I'm glad you like what you've read so far.

The rest of you: Naysayers! Krikor II dedicates this next update to you!

[Iain Wilson]

SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 76 - HA! NAYSAYERS!
(1179-1181)

I have a lot of critics - all of whom assume that I'm going to fail miserably and end up as fodder for the carrion birds like so many of Suenik's previous rulers.



I'm happy to prove them wrong. The Emir is routed and his army slaughtered. I may veer on the side of cautious most of the time, but when I have to fight I'm damn good at it. Top of my class for strategy you know!



None the less I make a point of returning to the capital and proclaiming my victory - behind stone walls several feet thick.

Can't be too careful - that's what I say.

Besides - my marshal is en route to Granada to sort out the Emir and he and his boys should be landing there very soon.



I wouldn't presume to steal his glory - what sort of ruler would I be if I did? No, probably best if I co-ordinate things from the capital. Just in case any Granadans sneak up you understand.

It seems that the Emir is a mind reader...



The only way he can sneak up on me is from Aintab and he wisely offers to yield this as well as paying for all the trouble he's caused.

I accept and tell a rather disappointed marshal that he and his men can come home. He's not happy about this and makes it clear when he gets back. What's wrong with these people? Do they actually LIKE being near a battlefield.

That's just crazy.

I decide to celebrate liberating Aintab from the heathen by passing it to my bishop to administer.



Thankfully I have a very capable theologian waiting in the wings.



With Gurgen preaching in the cathedral I can't help but feel that the spiritual health of the Empire is in good hands!



This is more than I can say for Gurgen’s own health - he is so excited about his new role that he has a heart attack.

I pass the mitre to a distant cousin - Shahram.



I can't help but feel sorry for him. Due to an administrative error his inauguration coincides with Gurgen's funeral and he's left feeling somewhat short changed. I'm sure he won't resent me for this in years to come.

No sooner is Gurgen in the ground than the Principality of Thrace - who recently split from someone else's kingdom - decides to try their luck against the Prince of Mosul.



This makes NO sense. Thrace is next to Constantinople and Mosul is in Iraq...

Am I the only sane one here?

I send my marshal (who is still smarting from me cutting his boat trip short) in to sort out the Thracian.



However, he turns up and finds this fellow commanding the siege.



I guess this solves the mystery of who he's ceded from. With this in mind I call a white peace - I don't want my men spilling their blood for the glory of some land hungry Russian.

My marshal really hates me now.

Meanwhile it appears that Bogomilism is catching.



Honestly - it's worse than malaria. I'm sure my new bishop will send his merry inquisitors over to sort her out. After all, they did a grand job with the whore's former lover.

I still smile when I think of him slowly roasting.

I wonder what he would have tasted like?

Pork?

My musings are interrupted by the news that somewhere called "Lut" has attacked my vassals.



Lut? Maybe once I conquer it I could dedicate it to my dead ex-wife by adding an extra letter to the beginning...

Lut, as you can probably imagine, is not a big player on the international stage.



See the white? It's down there. Yup - the ruler is insane.

He'll fit in perfectly.



He doesn't bother raising an army and gives in before my troops even get there.

I'm not disappointed, and I pass the now vacant title over to the Prince of Khorasan...



...who appears to be French?

I have Frenchmen amongst my vassals?

Can I get cream for that?

Just as things are settling down after the Lut incident I receive word that the holiest city in Islam has declared war on my vassals.



Well, I've got Constantinople - the holiest city in the Orthodox world. Why not take Mecca too?

Who knows - one day Rome could be mine too!

MWUH-hahahaha.

Damn - where did that come from?

Where did that come from? How will the war with Mecca go? What of the "update where special stuff happens"? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

[Eams]

Great, one visit to a battlefield and Krikor's considering cannibalism and the establishment of a military-religioustral complex.

[Iain Wilson]

Great, one visit to a battlefield and Krikor's considering cannibalism and the establishment of a military-religioustral complex.

Hey - you should be happy. He's going to come to you for a song to celebrate his accomplishments

[Raaritsgozilla]

Mecca? Really? This can only end well...

[morningSIDEr]

MWUH-hahahaha.

Damn - where did that come from?

Succumb Krikor, give in to the urges, your Gardman-Aghbania blood compells you!

[KaiserMuffin]

I'd like to see the establishment of theocratic Suenik and an EU III game continuing from this game

[Ovg]

Kirkor doing evil laughter and considering cannibalism. Seems like Gardman-Aghbania will never change
And +1 for KiaserMuffin's suggestion

[loki100]

ok, so he survived the battle ... but is now on his way to full blown, no excesses spared, Suenikian normalcy ... quite handy really

[Enewald]

What all kind of nationalities do you have as dukes and counts?

[Malurous]

I vote that the former lover tasted like chicken.

[Iain Wilson]

SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 77 - SOMEBODY PINCH ME...
(1181-1182)

Although they're making encouraging noises I get the impression that my nobles aren't exactly taking the war with Mecca seriously...



...and thankfully the Sheik of Mecca reinforces this by giving them a sound kicking.



Obviously by "thankfully" I mean "thankfully Suenik’s leaders might shape up".

I'm not thankful that lots of young Suenikains have died.

That would be wrong.

MWUHA-hahaha.

Er...

Sorry.

I think I must be getting upset by all the nasty whisperings at court.



I mean - honestly... I'm a war leader! How dare they!

I decide to hammer home the point by making it quite clear (from the confines of my castle) to the Sheik of Mecca that I'm his rightful master.



Then the Catholics show their true colours. Here I am, fighting the good fight against the heart of the Islamic faith and what do they do?



Maybe I should book that trip to Rome I was considering and have words with the Pope...

My ponderings are interrupted by news from the front that my generals have decided to stop arsing around and treat the war with Mecca seriously.



Sure, Mecca's a nobody but this is a case of Orthodoxy against Islam - we need to assert our authority boys! Pull it together!

I may be telepathic. This news, just in from Rome:



Jerusalem, eh? I forgot about that. Maybe I should pay it a visit too...

My musing on future holiday destinations is rudely shattered by the news that my idiotic, layabout half-German kid brother, the so called Holy Roman Emperor, has decided that he wants to impress the Pope with his zealous treatment of heathens by taking a long, bloody route to Jerusalem - through my Empire.



They may be Muslims but they're MY Muslims! Leave them alone, junior!

As I raise the Empire to a war footing I know exactly what to do.



Yes! There is an outpost of the Holy Roman Empire right next door to the capital. Clearly this is a target of huge strategic importance so I raise my personal guard, deliver a resounding speech promising glory, honour and dead Germans in abundance and begin the short trot towards my brother's neighbouring province. Hopefully by the time he's made it over here from wherever in Europe he is, this little province will be aflame.

Elsewhere, the dismal performance of my forces in Mecca (read: most nobles dead or fleeing) has upset the red messiah...



I make an executive decision and decide that if my nobles can't sort this out then the solution to the problem of Mecca's stubborn resistance is clearly...



...a bunch of blood thirsty Vikings who were formally in the employ of the emperor of Byzantium before he became a bit rubbish.

Some people find this more exciting than others. As my little Norse army departs for Mecca I find cousin Toros running around the palace wearing a blonde wig and a pointed helmet yelling "VAL-HALLA! NORSE POWER!" at the top of his voice.



No idea what that's all about.

I eventually arrive at my brother's province but unfortunately find an army already there...led by my brother.

This is awkward.

I sound the charge.

Our armies clash.

As the battle rages my brother seeks me out, drawn to my standard deep in the Suenikian reserves (where I'm co-ordinating some extremely important manoeuvres you understand).

Impetuously he yells a challenge.

My men turn to me.

The Germans turn to look at me.

Word spreads down the ranks.

Nobody is fighting anymore - they're all staring at me.

I step forward, my hand on my sword, looking imploringly at my brother, my eyes begging him to back down. I may not be the bravest, but when I have to fight few can stand against me.

My brother is a wet-behind-the-ears nineteen year old who was intended for a career in the Church.

Our eyes meet.

His face is alive with excitement – the rush of his first real battle and a desire to prove himself. I may be the youngest son it says but glory will be mine.

He raises his sword.

I draw, and strike.

He falls to the earth, clutching his stomach - hands uselessly trying to stem the tide of crimson spilling from the massive gash in his chest.

And then he does the oddest thing.

He laughs, coughs, smiles despite the pain and points his sword in my direction before whispering something to one of his officers who has rushed to his side. The man looks goggle-eyed at his liege who simply nods and smiles. Shrugging, the soldier takes his emperor's sword, points it at me and yells to the assembled German host.

"ALL HAIL THE NEW HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR!"



I rush to my brother's side and he pulls me close, his breath coming in short gasps. Despite the pain he grins.

"I never even had a chance to practice making children never mind having any of my own."

With that, Ruben I, the first Armenian Holy Roman Emperor dies and passes his crown to Emperor Krikor II of Suenik.

What do I do now?

What next??? Can this get any more bizarre? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

[Eams]

So, I take it this means that the German-Suenikian war is over? Right?

[Marco Oliverio]

That's cool! You're the new Charlemagne. Or he was the prototype of you!

[Vesimir]

OK, that's too much!

World map please?

[morningSIDEr]

I love how CK can turnout at times. Brother v. brother, the fates of empires entwined in the conflict...priceless!