Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

[KaiserMuffin]

and yay Mleh did typeth into the console f12 die!

IA SHUB NIGGURATH

[Murmurandus]

I wonder if an era can count less than a year...

[Enewald]

Build an gigantic temple for the Great Gods of Goats!
The christian god has been hiding since eternity, time to find the true gods!

[Malurous]

Hehe, the ghosts are brilliant like always

The Emir actually put up a fight Nothing that Suenik couldn't handle, of course.

[Iain Wilson]

this Al-Jazeera you've just conquered ... are you going into the mass media business then?

Nah - Bagrat was the one into self promotion. Aboulgharib is egotistical enough to assume that everyone worships him anyway.

Who needs television? Excellent update!

Glad you enjoyed it sir!

How long until he beats Mleh's Record?

See the last update - we're talking a matter of months!

... said the serial killer

I don't know WHAT you're talking about...

BE QUIET DOWN THERE IN THE BASEMENT!

*ahem*

That was seriously sad. For such a mighty foe to fall with barely a wimper.

Yeah - I was quite dissapointed!

The bigger they are (were) the farther they fall!!!!

In this case, down a well!

Oh-oh. The only thing worse that the vengeance of Suenikan kings is the vengeance of dead Suenikan ghost kings!

Yeah - they're not a nice bunch, are they?

and yay Mleh did typeth into the console f12 die!

IA SHUB NIGGURATH

Hehe - but no. I'm a no cheats kind of guy

I wonder if an era can count less than a year...

That was almost the case for my second ruler! His "era" was one update.

Build an gigantic temple for the Great Gods of Goats!
The christian god has been hiding since eternity, time to find the true gods!

Man, you Finns never got over your pagan past, did you?

Hehe, the ghosts are brilliant like always

The Emir actually put up a fight Nothing that Suenik couldn't handle, of course.

I'm glad you enjoyed the ghosts - they are proving to be a rather popular feature of this AAR!

As for the Emir, I will confess I was worried for a while until I realised that I could raise about a bazillion times the amount of men that he could!

[morningSIDEr]

I ask Mleh to speak with the chroniclers and take them for a tour of the Chamber of Wells.

Huzzah! I was getting well withdrawl symptoms. Things are going scarily well.

Excellent update!

[Enewald]

Actually we Finns call the gods of old daily in our speech, Perkele.
It can be used in any content as a curse word, it cannot be translated.

[KaiserMuffin]

Hehe. Google says Satan!

And I use Perkele. It's great cos Finnish people think I speak Finn and non-Finns go 'huh?'

[Enewald]

Hehe. Google says Satan!

And I use Perkele. It's great cos Finnish people think I speak Finn and non-Finns go 'huh?'

That is wrong.
Perkele is a name for the old pagan high god Ukko Ylijumala, the church changed it into a curse word since old pagan gods had to be bad guys.

Saatana is satan.

[KaiserMuffin]

Santana? That explains so much...

[Enewald]

Santana? That explains so much...

No not that.

Look the lyrics of this song and how perkele is used in it.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xbyf3E6BSg

It can be used as devil, fuck, satan, damn, shit et cetera.
Use your imagination.

[AllmyJames]

I know where Smaland is - that's where Ikea is from. Aboulgarib could have got himself a Well extension kit and tasty meatballs. What a missed opportunity!

[loki100]

I know where Smaland is - that's where Ikea is from. Aboulgarib could have got himself a Well extension kit and tasty meatballs. What a missed opportunity!

Even more useful, Suenik could leave the store with a portable well - handy for those moments when one needs a well but is away from the palace?

[Eron12]

You're lucky you have rulers that can approach the record for rule. My first one clocked in at 41 years and no one has come close since then.

[Cunobelinus54]

Looks like Mleh's coming to get his vengeance, I've got no idea how that can be seeing as he's a ghost, but we'll see...

[Iain Wilson]

SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 69 - AND FOR MY NEXT TRICK...
(1170-1171)

Suenik is still busy with victory celebrations, but my mind is elsewhere. Although I dismissed a couple of wars out of hand earlier in the year I still have plans for conquest. My reason for refusing to be dragged into my vassals petty squabbles was down to the fact that I wasn't prepared for those conflicts and that they didn't feed into my bigger picture.

This, however, does:



How a man who lives in northern France and has no influence in the Balkans can dare call himself King of the Croats is beyond me.

His title will be mine.

Still, before then I shall take some time to relax and recuperate. After all, continuous war can take its toll on a man my age.

Perhaps I will go and relax in my tomato garden with my grandson. Maybe chase him around and kid on that I'm a monster. Maybe...



What? What's going on?

Oh thank you God. Thank you thank you thank you!

Who the hell are you? Where the hell am I?

Not hell my son, more like limbo.

Father?

The one and the same.

Does this mean...

I'm afraid so.

But...but...I've got so much to do...

You've had your time I'm afraid.

Oh.

Oh indeed.

One question then...

Only the one?

Well, actually, I've got a shed load of questions, but one I need answering now.

Very well son, but I should warn you that even the dead are no wiser where the greater questions of existence are concerned. If it's "What is God's plan?" for instance...

What? No. Nothing like that. I'm sure I'll figure that out myself. No, my question is this: who is that funny little man dancing around over there chanting "It's still intact! It's still intact!"? Is he and imp or a goblin perchance?

That, my son, is Prince Mleh I.

What? Really? Wow - I thought he'd be taller.

Oi! I heard that junior! You should pay your betters some respect! For I hold the record for longest reign of any Suenikian monarch!

Hmph. You realise you weren't even a monarch! You were just a prince, and not a very good one at that!

I still reigned for longer than you did though! How does it feel, to have missed the record by TWO MONTHS! TWO MONTHS!

How does it feel to have never experienced what it was like having the divine right to rule handed down from the Almighty Himself?

Hmph.

I thought as much.

Anyway, come my son - we have much to talk about.

Certainly. I am looking forw...oh no! I'm dead!

Calm my son - there will be a period of adjustment where you come to terms with shrugging off your mortal coil and...

Shush! I'm not bothered about being in dead. I'm more bothered about the fact that Krikor is now in charge!

Ia! Shub-niggurath! The time of resurrection is at hand!

Uncle Krikor? Sorry to burst your bubble, but it's not you I'm talking about. It's him. My son. Down there. Crying. Like a girl. Oh please Krikor. Don't throw away all I have accomplished!

Odd. I'm sure I said the same thing when I died.

Gee. Thanks dad.

Quit sulking. It doesn't suit a herald of the old gods.

Would you pair hush? I'm trying to see how he's doing.

This is not good.

My dad has just died.

I am completely unprepared to be Emperor.

No sooner has my coronation finished than my spymaster has come to me and informed me that pretty much everyone I rule over hates my guts.



"He's no Aboulgharib" they're all saying.

"I wonder if he'll go the way of the last Krikor we had."

I don't like this atmosphere at all, so I lock myself in my keep and consider what to do next. First things first, I send gifts of gold and jewels to all of those who hate me. Hopefully if I can't impress them with my leadership I'll be able to buy them off! I can't stand war. A war now would not be good. All I want to do is build on what dad has left me, improve the Empire and make its people happy. War doesn't feature any where in my plans.



Oh dear.

I can't call upon my vassals to fight this for me at this stage - none of them trust me enough to let me anywhere near their forces! I guess I'm going to have to deal with this one myself!

When it becomes apparent that I'm not just going to roll over and take it (although, if I were more established I might!) the Sheik sends me tidings of peace.



I'm REALLY tempted to take this offer if it means avoiding a fight, but I can't lose face at this early stage of my rule. As a result, I lead my force into the heart of the Sheik's realm, confront his force and ask them to withdraw peacefully.



Miraculously, it works!

Phew.

I thought I was going to have to draw my sword for a moment there.

The siege is over quickly and it turns out that the sheik is actually a toddler, doubtlessly manipulated into war by his cruel and evil advisors! He agrees to rejoin the Empire. He also agrees to stop claiming that Constantinople is rightfully his.



I hate the business of state. It's so dirty and corrupt. That poor child might have died in this war!

I return to the capital (there were no cheering crowds to greet me - father always got those...) and set down to the serious business of marrying off my stepmother. She's been playing the grieving widow which is frankly getting on my nerves. So, I set her up with cousin Smbat and they go off to live in the Ryn Desert.



Well done my boy! He might not be a complete lost cause after all!

I then duly hand titles out to my two sons. Ruben, the eldest and count of Philippopolis, receives the Crown Prince's title...



...while Konstandin, who is only four, is made count of Serdica - somewhere father wrested from a disloyal Sheik.



It's a long way from home but I'm sure he'll be ok. Hopefully such a posting will teach him independence!

...and to be not as much of a wet blanket as his father!

Right! To building! Where shall we look to improve first?



What? I don't even know what is going on here! Emirate of Hormuz? They're attacking my vassals? I suppose I'd better wade in. Oh I really, REALLY hate war!



ARGH! Who are these people? What do they want?

RIP



Is the King of Croatia safe? Will Krikor prove to be nothing more than an invertebrate coward? Will the Empire fracture? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

[Iain Wilson]

So, with Aboulgharib out of the way, what is his honourific going to be? The vote was held a while back and I don't think I reckoned on him living THIS long!

[KaiserMuffin]

Aboulgharib the Deer-Molester.

[Murmurandus]

Aboulgharib the Close-but-no-Cigar... :nods:

[Enewald]

Aboulgharib the Chaste.

And he was quite piteous compared with other monarchs of yours, enough modest and just, no signs of madness. A average monarch.

And No bestiality involved.