Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

[Raaritsgozilla]

If he's hearing Mleh... Its all over sunshine. All hail Mira!

[Murmurandus]

Mmm, that party sounds like fun... do we need to bring the booze and the wenches?

[Eron12]

Best of luck with you Turkish War. You're going to try someting I haven't even concidered and I'm fifty years ahead of you in my game.

Down with the Seljuks!

[Threedog43]

Holy Crap that took forever to read through, worth it for the list though... Anybody see Freeman's Mind?

[Johan11]

oh, no. It won't go over well, fighting the Seljuks.

Aboulgharib does not know how to celebrate.

And where's my Esthonia?!?

[Iain Wilson]

SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 67 - WHAT A SELJUKING LAUGH
(1168)

Suenik is now at war with it's ancestral enemy - the power the threatened to sweep through the middle east and enslave all of Christanity under the banner of Islam. I will put an end to the possibility of that nightmare ever coming true here and now.



To be honest, I expected more of a fight - a battle royale. After all, this is a foe of old we're talking about; an age old emnity that has bitterly festered down the years. And yet, what do I find? That they send two paltry armies out against me. Two weak, pathetic forces that I crush to dust beneath my tread.

It feels anti-climatic.




(they did have six provinces but I have no idea where the other two screenies ended up - Iain)

Still, despite the lack of resistance there is something completely amazing about giving the order "Bring me the Sultan!". I sit smugly in the throne room and wait for my defeated foe to be brought to me in shackles.

Of course, this being Suenik, my wife chooses this EXACT momement to throw a hissy fit, yelling that I treat her like a louse and that she would be better off back in Germany.



I wave my hand dismissivly.

I've got more important things to be getting on with than listening to the whingey rantings of some spoiled little Teutonic brat.



...like, for example, putting an end to the Seljuk empire. The Sultan - a spotty teenage oik - agrees to cede everything to me. I, in return, keep him chained in the corner of my throne room. Occasionally I make him dance for me.

Nothing like keeping trophies of your conquests is there?

I've never been one for keeping territory myself, so I start parcelling out my conquests to my courtiers. I'm very conscious of the fact that the locals might not be too happy with Christian overlords, and I could do without my new conquests bursting into the fires of open rebellion. So, I decide to reward my more loyal Muslim courtiers instead. I also reward the heir of Toros as he's been pretty good these days and actually seized one of the provinces (right next door to Toros land) himself.






Cilen proves to be a BAD choice.



I can only assume that someone lied to me about her loyalty.

What does she do next? Declare independance that's what. Hands up if you think that was a good idea?



Yup - I don't even spend the time adding her to the List. I'll settle with just crushing her outright.

Once she's finished with I turn my attention to the Turk's long time allies.



At last! A challenge! Hopefully there will be more fight in the Emir than the sultan!

Will there be a challenge? Will Aboulgharib see the Emir humbled? Will more rebellions develop? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

[Cunobelinus54]

The Seljuks - how far the mighty have fallen...

[Malurous]

Ha, down with the Seljuks!

Of course, this being Suenik, my wife chooses this EXACT momement to throw a hissy fit

Pure awesomeness. CK at its best

At last! A challenge! Hopefully there will be more fight in the Emir than the sultan!

Which Emir?

Hopefully there will be a bit more of a challenge - you don't want the celebration to end up being less than advertised, do you?

[Murmurandus]

Mmm, something seems to got lost in copy/pasting...

Anyway, challenges are fun (or so they say...)

[Iain Wilson]

Mmm, something seems to got lost in copy/pasting...

Anyway, challenges are fun (or so they say...)

Well spotted! Corrected!

[Enewald]

Success shall be guaranteed if you sacrifice to the old gods.

[Malurous]

Well spotted! Corrected!

Well, this answers my question

[loki100]

this Al-Jazeera you've just conquered ... are you going into the mass media business then?

[morningSIDEr]

I, in return, keep him chained in the corner of my throne room. Occasionally I make him dance for me.

Who needs television? Excellent update!

[Johan11]

How long until he beats Mleh's Record?

[Raaritsgozilla]

Nothing like keeping trophies of your conquests is there?

... said the serial killer

[Eron12]

That was seriously sad. For such a mighty foe to fall with barely a wimper.

[Fookison]

The bigger they are (were) the farther they fall!!!!

[Iain Wilson]

SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 68 - ENOUGH WITH THE RANDOM WARS!
(1168-1170)

The war with Khwarizmian starts with a new sensation for Suenik's generals.



Hmmm...

This leads to the Emir getting cockey and thinking that winning this one battle means that he has won the war.



339? Is that all you're asking for? Dear child - you have a lot to learn!

I speak with Mleh and ask him whether he can find out the secret of the Emir's success. My spymaster is good to his word and is not long in coming back with an answer.



So that's it - he's clustered all his armies together in one mega army. And as any general worth his salt knows, nasty big hordes are extremely vulnerable to attrition, disease and desertion. I therefore make a calculated decision to leave the Emir's legions alone until mother nature (and human nature) has cut it down to a reasonable size for my forces to slaughter.



Of course, this doesn't stop the Emir's forces almost anhilating Senekerim's army as it withdraws.

I think that's the most crushing defeat the Empire has ever suffered. This makes me more and more determined to crush the Emirate once and for all!

I pray to God for his assistance and my prayers are answered!



Proof, if any is needed, that the Almighty is on the side of Suenik!

Enboldened by this, I strap on my armour and lead my personal guard against the Bey of Emba (the Bishopric having been dismantled by the Emir's horde). For the Empire!



I should point out that I was unaware of the 4693:1 odds before I attacked! None the less, I'll get the chroniclers to write it up as a glorious victory to inspire all of Suenik!



I ask Mleh to speak with the chroniclers and take them for a tour of the Chamber of Wells. This was not what I meant when I said "Beef up the opposition"! Simply adding a couple more knights, some extra archers and some more infantry does not a glorious epic make!

None the less, the sight of the Emperor in full armour smiting the infidel clearly has the desired effect, because before long the victories are flying in and the Emir's horde has disintegrated into nothingness!



Because I'm wise and just, I forgive the Emir the slaughter of 6000 brave Suenikians and instead grant him the privellage of being my subject. He quite wisely agrees.



It is then that Krikor's "dark messiah" shrugs off this mortal coil without having brought about the apocalypse.



Poor Ruben - I don't think he was ever quite sure what it was he was meant to do with his life.

I know what my purpose is though, and that's to bring an era of properous peace to the Empire.

Right after an amazing celebration of my military prowess that is!

As I'm settling down to a well-earned victory feast, I receive news that some idiot vassal of mine, somewhere near the Baltic, has declared war on somewhere called Smaland.



Smaland? Is that even a real place? I have no appetite for war at the moment though (but plenty of appetite for wild boar and ale), so I tell the Duke that this underling of mine is not in his right mind (let's face it - with Suenik being Suenik that's a fair possibility) and to disregard any declarations of war.



He's a sensible man and rightly agrees to peace on earth for all mankind.

Anyway, back to the victory feast! Pass me some boar, Mira, and...WHAT NOW?!?!?



What? Who? Why are we at war with Leon, and who the hell is he?!?

I sit my vassals and the King of Leon down and explain to them all that we're at peace and that's how it's going to stay. I'm too old to be jaunting over to the far side of Europe to take on Kings of places I've never heard of before.

Impressed by my wise, just and benevolant rule, the Count of Belgrade asks to join the Happy Suenik Family.



Naturally, he's welcomed into the fold with open arms.

Speaking of the fold, ex-marshal Gurgan is unable to cope with the concept of a Suenikian ruler choosing peace over war and descends into the depths of maddness as a result.



Soon to be joining him is this young man - can you tell what's wrong with this picture?



That's right - HE HAS NO LOVED ONE!!! Unless, like most sixteen year old lads he is reffering to his right hand as his "loved one" but even then, falling out with your right hand is a bit bonkers (not to mention downright creepy).

So, with 1170 dawning it appears that Suenik, under my wise stewardship, is the most powerful and respected nation on God's earth. None come close to us in standing.



1170? No way! That means he's months off taking my record!

What record's this?

The record for longest reign!

We're not talking like for like though, are we? You were some jumped up little Prince and he's Emperor of an enormous Empire the likes of which the world hasn't seen since Roman times?

And who do you think laid the groundwork for that, hmm?

I think you'll find that was me.

Or me. I was the first King of Suenik after all.

What's this "Or me"? Where's all the chanting and the screaming praises to your dark god?

Oh I still do that. Just not ALL THE TIME. And quit with doing the whiney, nasal voice when impersonating me! I can't believe how stereotyped I am. If all I did was chant and scream then nobody would understand me. That sort of behaviour would be insane!

...

...

What? Oh for goodness sake. Ia Shub-niggurath. There? Happy?

Much better thank you.

Right - back to the subject at hand. I need to find someway of dealing with this upstart before he steals the only piece of dignity that I have left. And Mira, if you can hear me, STOP BLOODY LAUGHING!

What does Mleh have planned? Will Aboulgharib beat his record? Will an era of peace ensue? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

[AllmyJames]

Oh-oh. The only thing worse that the vengeance of Suenikan kings is the vengeance of dead Suenikan ghost kings!