Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

Previously, on Suenik the Beleaguered...



Things are not going well.

There are Turks besieging all my provinces. Buildings are aflame. The coffers are bare, so the Grigor Defence is not an option and to make matters worse, I lose my double Mleh power!



I mean, honestly! Could he choose a more inconvenient time to die? I then receive news that my swotty sister has finished her education.



Clearly she's been drinking in the happy-clappy, non-conspiratorial, non-backstabbing atmosphere of my court.



She smugly opines if I had the money to pay her she could arrange to deliver me the head of the Sultan. I indicate the empty coffers to which she archly raises an eyebrow, smirks and goes back to her sewing.

Cow.

As I'm trying to get to sleep (being lulled off to the land of nod by the gentle thump of trebuchets trying to knock down my city's walls) a huge hubub errupts outside.



Stupid timing goat botherers! I'm NOT in a good mood. What's left of the palace guard get orders to go outside and wail on the smelly ingrates until they run screaming into the hills. Mind you, the way my army has fared these days I wouldn't be surprised if the goat-botherers get the better of them!

Then the impossible happens. Something I didn't think possible.



I wasn't even aware they were with someone who they could splinter with! However, I see the hand of the Almighty at work here, and after I pick myself up off the floor and stob sobbing like a little bitch I accept, throw a huge party and declare myself the saviour of Suenik. In the midst of it all I get a bit carried away and promise to personally raise the heir to the throne.



Time passes and the geniuses in my landlocked realm come up with a new technological innovation.



Thanks guys. Time well spent.

The golden age of Suenik continues as my lovely wife brings me more good news.



I name him Krikor meaning "Tile Factory" in Armenian. To commemorate this I build his namesake.



Suenik truly is the land of plenty.

Plenty of tiles at least.

Meanwhile my brother comes back from his army school weighing 250lbs and built like a musk ox.



Guess that's my new marshal sorted!

Sadly it turns out that my wife is a filthy, cheating whore.



My new marshal gets his first job. A quick flight from the top of the palace teaches my diocese bishop to keep his allegedly celibate paws away from my wife.

It seems like I've got some good courtiers. My smug sister comes to me and states that she has managed to fabricate a claim to the Principality of Trebizond. I look blankly and she dryly asks me if I'd like her to show me where it was on a map. I scowl and ask her whatever happened to chivalry. She replies that making a chauvinist pig depend on a woman was more fun than being chivalrous. I hate her. But she's damn good at her job. I think she's plotting my demise.



Some Arab Shiek comes to visit craving an alliance and brandishing books that seem to get the boffins very excited. Seeing the happy little look on their faces brings a warm glow to my heart and I agree.




Two to one they're no bloody help at all!

The golden age of Suenik continues with the evil former Archbishop of Mesoptamia and his cohorts being run to ground.



I keep his head in a jar in the throne room until it starts attracting flies.

Finally, three years into the golden age I get grim tidings. Familiar grim tidings.



Already my chancellor is counting out the gold for the Grigor Defence but I hold a hand up and the court falls silent. There will be no payment. This time things will be different.



Has Mleh gone bonkers? Has the golden age gone to his head? Can Suenik prevail against the Emir or will they be left hoping for another "The Heathens are Splintered" message? Find out in the next exciting installment of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

Judas Maccabeus said:

the Turks are feeling awfully merciful today...

Click to expand...

Today, yes. Later on...well... (I've played into the 1100s).



As most of you know, when doing these AARs periods of great success tend to be followed by periods of everything going horribly badly wrong.

Which is a shame as I'm getting quite attached to Suenik.

But never fear - there's more goodness to come!

Enewald said:

Now, conquer Edessa!

Click to expand...

Patience Grasshopper!

My name is Mleh (try not to sound like a sheep when saying it) and I am at war.

I shall not prostitute my realm to the Emir of Edessa like my forebearers.

They shall not get a single ducet from us.

This time we shall stand firm.

This time we shall prevail.

Behold! The master plan!



It seems like everyone is getting in on the act. My sister has the genius idea of paying criminals in the Emir's country to generally misbehave.




I think this is a brilliant idea so I agree to it, with the proviso that everyone thinks it was me that came up with it. Can't have some sappy woman take the credit.

When I arrive in Amida I find myself facing down the army of my supposed ally, the Shiek of Bira.



Bloody Arabs! I can't trust them at all, can I? I think I'll go back to the "throwing them down the well" approach from days gone by. With my anger fuelling me I put his army to the sword.



Even though the war is going well my Bishop proves himself to be a craven coward and runs from the court yelling "We're doomed! We're doomed!". Pah. I let him go!



For good measure I mention (loudly and dramatically) to my sister that I'd be very displeased if I heard of anyone else following my LATE bishop's lead. She turns to the court and smiles with all the charm of an irate puff adder. I think they get the message.

I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a new sensation. We're winning! We're not running away! We're actually winning battles comfortably! This is better than sex! When I get the following news...



...I merely laugh (somewhat louder than normal and the laugh itself probably goes on slightly too long to be considered entirely sane) and drag my army over the desert to slaughter the filthy, goat-bothering perverts myself.



Then it's back to the Emir's castle and ON WITH THE SIEGE!!!!

I'm laughing again. People are eyeing me nervously but I don't care! My herald looks shocked and surprised when he bears me some bad tidings and I merely clap him on the back and tell him not to worry.



Even the thought of my realm ablaze doesn't dampen my spirits.



I'm fighting Arabs and for a change my people are WINNING! We're not running to the hills and we're not bribing them to leave us alone - we're ACTUALLY WINNING!!! This feels like I'm drinking gold. Mleh the mighty they will call me! Mleh the slayer! In fact check out the guns:



Yeah baby. That was your province Emir. It's mine now. Let's see if you can take it off me. Oh? What's that? You want some? You want your province back? Well - come on then! Let's be having you! You and your army! Come on then.



I see the Emir on the battlefield, heft my sword and yell a challenge. Our eyes lock and there is a flash of blades.



Yes! He's outta here! I'm so completely elated that I wave my hand and dismiss the news that my filthy whore of a wife has been messing around in my absence (again)!



She can spend some time in the oubliette when I get back and I'll feed her lover to some pigs. For the moment I'm just awash with the joy of being the most superb military commander of all time. Well, SUENIK's most superb military commander of all time at least but it's more than my forebearers accomplished!

With the most passive-aggresive motivational speech of all time to my men ("Never again shall a slightly stronger neighbour force us to pay them a reasonable sum of cash to leave us alone!") my army sets forth for Mesopotamia and liberates it. Then I notice that the Emir has troubles of his own and will probably be turning yellow very, very soon.



Yes - the Turks are picking on him for a change! Fearing that I may soon lose the chance to negotiate peace with the Emir (IE strip him of all his lands) I send an envoy to him carrying harsh (for Suenik at least) terms:



I await his return with baited breath.



*thud*

I'm pretty soon the people are going to worship me as a god.

Or at least errect a small statue in my honour.

Is Suenik finally secure? Will the Turks crush the evil Emir once and for all? How much longer can the golden age last for? Find out in the next exciting installment of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

Cromelex - You're more than welcome! As you can tell, I'm having fun with this!

Cecasander - you're damn right I need a Duchy. Poor old Mleh is operating at about 73% efficency at the moment. Still, I've got a claim to the Duchy of Trebizond (or however it's spelled). If only I could get past the Turks! Or I could make Mleh Prince of Armenia if I could only get my hands on one more lousy northern province. Curiously, the self same province is the one I have to get through to get to my other claim but I'm not brave enough to declare war! As an aside I'd be interested to see any statue sketches you may have. A magic biscuit for the best one And you can become Mleh's imperial architecht.

Murmurandus - *YOU* fear the Turks? How do you think Mleh feels? Despite all his bravado he's still cacking himself at the though of impending invasion. He'd never admit that though. Especially not to his sister.

Jordarkelf - thank you! It is your fault that I'm doing this after all. And isn't "Mleh" a great expression of complete indifference? "Fancy coming to the pub?" "Mleh - I'm not bothered..."

Hello and welcome back to the rapidly expanding county of Suenik. My name's Mleh and I'm your host. To be honest, now that all the excitment of battle has calmed down I'm a bit daunted by the size of my realm. I need some vassals soon, and to get vassals I need to become a Prince. If only I could reach the Princedom of Trebizond...

Anyway, idle hands do the devil's work (or something) so I decide to cement my reputation as the Builder of Mighty Suenik and furnish my people with the following luxuries:



A place for peasants to cut down trees (why do they do that? I'll never understand poor people)!



A place for peasants to get together and chop up the trees they cut down!



ANOTHER place for peasants to cut down trees!

Suenik - the realm of plenty.

Don't you forget it.

In fact, the good people of Amida don't forget it and show me their gratitude.



Cultural imperialism rocks!

It also seems that my step sister is going to be a real asset. At aged six she's more capable than most of my ministers.



THEN it all starts to go down hill...

My sister comes to me and reveals that, once again, my filthy whore of a wife has been smooching with other men.

Worse - she's been doing it with my BISHOP! The dirty slut!



I confront her with the news and she...she...she...



That does it! I can't stand it any more! I won't tolerate this kind of humilation any more! As I pace up and down ranting and spitting my sister is rubbing her hands and smiling. She sidles over, places a hand on my shoulder and suggests that my wife could be made to "go away". Blinded by rage I agree!



My sister takes the cash, smiles like a pirhana and sneaks off. A few hours later I get the good news.



WHAT? What's this "were discovered" crap? She promised me she'd make her go away and...and... My sister smiles and points out that she DID fulfill her side of the baragain. Besides, being called a "kinslayer" is kind of a cool title.

I'm not sure I believe her. People are eyeing me awfully nervously. I try to smile to reassure them.

It doesn't work.

Still, there are upsides to feeding your whore-bitch-slut wife to leopards. You get to marry cute 16 year olds from your court...



...you get a shed-load of cash...



...you get to build two "Krikors" in honour of your new bride...





...and you get to jump in the sack with your new 16 year old bride.



Great success!

Even better I find that my late bitch of a wife left her lover the bishop a little present before passing on...



Hope the itching stops soon buddy boy!

Seeing that I've calmed slightly, my sister comes to me with another genius idea. She assures me that this time it will really work and I'll be really pleased with her efforts.



I'm pleasantly surprised when she shows me the fruit of her labours.



The province of Ani, gateway to Trepizond, is now no longer part of the Sultanate of the Seljuk Turks.

I stroke my beard and smile.

Does Mleh have his wish? Will Ani and then Trebizond be subjegated? Will Mleh finally get to become a Prince? Or will it all crumble to bits? Find out in the next exciting installment of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!