Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

For a change, the nurseries seem to have stopped churning out mass-murderers and cowardly bullies and have instead taken to producing worth heirs to Suenik's glory.



As if that wasn't enough, here's a daring young soul who impresses me with her foresight, intelligence and er...ability to perform surgery upon herself.




She's obviously learned from the best. Well done step-mother. It's about time you had some success with the spawn of Suenik.

Speaking of mothers, my daughter seems to have taken her demotion from chancellor very well, and seems content to spend her days gossiping aimlessly with the other preganant mummies at court.



Well, that's good. I was expecting some kind of hissy fit.



Ah. My mistake.

I tell her to quit whining and go back to chattering about breastfeeding or whatever it is that she does now that she's not chancellor.



Oh.

That was unexpected.

On the plus side, Suenik gets some decent roads at last.



Every cloud.

I then learn that poor old Ruben, having finally overcome the stigma of being mad Krikor's "dark messiah", has caught a really bad cold.



Consdering you could merrily fry an egg on Suenik's brand new roads that's some stinking bad luck.

That gives me a thought - I like my brand new roads and want them kept clean and tidy. Anyone caught frying an egg on them will be stoned to death. My bishop assures me that's a fitting punishment. It's in the Bible or something.

Since we've not done it in a while, here's a quick People Watch so you can all take a look at my son and heir.



I think he's going to work out just fine should I meet some horrible end.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of horrible, here's some fool who fancies ending up as List Fodder.




If he even THINKS about going near Suenik's new roads...



Right. That does it! To arms!

Is there any chance of peace any time soon? Will Suenik's cobbles be scratched? Will the nurseries produce anyone else worthwhile? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

Raaritsgozilla said:

Your Heir looks pretty reasonable, nothing to worry about there.

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Nothing but the fear of cheese...

My plan to deal with the traitorous prince of Mesopotamia and his snivelling little lackey is simple, yet beautiful.



For a change I lead the attack my self. Now, I know what you're thinking. A Suenikian ruler, riding off to deal with errant vassals - it's a death trap. But rest assured, there's nothing to be worried about.

Don't be so foolish my boy! That's what I thought before I was Toros'ed!

Yeah! Look at the smug little sod giving it the big 'I am'. Hey! Kiddo! I was like you before I ended up dead in a ditch in Dwin!

Try saying that when you're drunk!

...or decapitated!

I too shed my mortal meat sack in a similarly foolish endeavour, but now I have life eternal! Ia! Shub-Niggurath!

Eek! What in the name of fuck is that????

Ah. Cousin Krikor I assume.

The one and the same.

Really? Urgh. How come he's all burnt and decaying and the like?

I wait in perpetuity for the day the Dark Mother calls me.

Er...what?

I think he means he's in hell.

Hell, eh? What's it like down there boy?

My immortal soul strives to earn the Dark Mother's favour.

You know, I don't remember you being so incomprehensible in life my boy. I bet it's Mira's fault you ended up like you are. Tell you what though - if you're in hell why don't you say hello to the old sow for me? If you're anything to go by she must smell like an open sewer by now. Tell her the view up here in limbo is lovely.

Limbo?

Yeah. So what? Nothing wrong with limbo.

Of course not. It's just that...well...

Well what?

Nothing.

Ah. I see. It's written all over your face. You thought I'd be in hell didn't you?

I said nothing of the sort!

You didn't have to. It's in your eyes. An evil er...helly kind of look!

WILL YOU LOT SHUT UP OR I'M GETTING AN EXORCIST IN HERE!!!!

Good.

Sorry about that. I wonder if dead people can be added to The List?

Where were we? Ah yes - marching as to war.

Despite me leading from the front my marshal wants to take credit for everything.



I offer him a generous "gold for traitors' heads scheme" in return for him returning to the front and ceasing to be an unholy annoyance.

While I'm away from the helm a bunch of enterprising Suenikians start up a merchant house.



Ordinarily this wouldn't bother me but I am presently striving to be most pious King in the universe so it's a wee bit of a pain. Mind you, it wouldn't be Suenik if my subjects managed to get things right at the right time.

However, I do get interesting news from Constantinople.



It seems that they've gathered all the greatest minds in the city into one location where they will then dole out their knowledge to other worthies in return for vast sums of cash. A bit like intellectual robbery. They make people feel bad for not being as bright as them and in return said people dig deep to overcome their inadequacies.

I think I approve.

Meanwhile I meet Michael, the traitorous count of Guria and engadge in some aggressive negotiations.



If anyone starts whining about this being an unfair fight they know where they're going. Curiously Suenikians don't appear to have learned to use the bow and arrow yet.

I then get two pieces of interesting news.



1) Prince Kevork is too poor to afford a Grigor Defence.
2) My money in Theodosiopolis was well spent.

Clearly my troops have an issue with the fact that the Gurians have mastered the bow and arrow and we haven't, for they merrily slaughter nearly everyone who was holding one at the start of the battle.



In short order Guria is wrested from the traitors...



...but sadly the capital is under siege by the Prince's traitorous hordes. Dammit.

Michael is then offered the standard "sign it or die" Suenikian peace contract.



Naturally he recognises the folly of his actions and begs for mercy.

Good puppy.

Now to kick those Mesopotamians out of the capital...

Next up - death, violence, warring and weddings! Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

Eams said:

Gosh, I do hope that your king goes crazy as the people on the List start manifesting themselves as ghosts.

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Stop giving me ideas

Snaake said:

I'm confused with the different ghostly voices, then again this isn't something that's unique to Suenik. The black one is Krikor the Servant of the Black Goat with a Thousand Young.

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Don't worry about being confused - it'll make you feel more Suenikian.

Snaake said:

I should probably reread the AAR, because to be honest, even if you tell me the names of who's who, I probably wouldn't remember what they were like in life.

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Well, orange is Prince Mleh - Krikor's father, while red is King Bagrat, Kirkor's cousin and Aboulgharib's father. If you do fancy rereading it I've included a handy index at the front (as the AAR is getting fairly lengthy) and you can just read the relevant King's entries (although Mleh and Bagrat both had fairly substantial reigns).

Murmurandus said:

... death, violence, warring and weddings...

Ah, more of the same kind...

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What can I say? I know my target audience

Malurous said:

Great update! Really liked the speaking dead - it's a statement to the quality of your characters that even the ghost forms entertain.

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Aww! Thank you very much! I've got a warm happy glow about me now