SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 4 - THE BOY WITH A SICKY NAME
(1078 - 1084)
If you've read the previous episode and seen the above you'll realise that things didn't end well for Hovhannes Senek'erim Garman-Aghbania...
My name is Mleh and I'm a kid. My name sounds like someone being sick. I think my dad liked me but with that name... I know so little that I didn't even think to take a screen capture of myself.
Thankfully, there are funny ladies in my court and I'm kept amused.
Apparently something bad's happened. Lots of grown ups are running around clutching their heads and saying "Oh no not again."
Thankfully a nice man with a long beard comes to me and says I can make the baddness stop by giving him some money. I can't count yet so I have no idea if I'm being ripped off or not. For some reason Uncle David is running around using a word I don't understand. He seems sad. The word is "bankrupt". Does anyone know what that means?
A group of smelly people with goats have come to see me. They're annoyed about something called "serfdom". I don't know what that means so I ask my advisors. They shake their heads and say that I shouldn't worry about it so I send the men with the goats away. They are muttering about "pitchforks" and "burning torches". And they look annoyed. Everyone assures me that this isn't anything to worry about.
Fast forward a few years and my mother believes me to be a great disappointment. I tell the stupid woman to shut up and lock her in a tower. Silly cow.
To celebrate I send my army out and I butcher a bunch of people who were smuggling heads. Apparently this makes me wise and just.
My sister is such a swot. Everyone loves her. Bah.
I may only be a young 'un but I set a Suenik record and start improving my provinces. Behold! A forestry!
My granny storms out of the castle declaring that I'm a "sexist little brat who will burn in hell". Silly old bag. Hasn't she got some sewing to be getting on with or something.
A desperate, pleading Arab comes to court puffing and panting, claiming that only we can save them from the Seljuk Turks. I've never heard of his country. I've heard of the Turks. I throw him down a well and kid on that he never arrived.
Celi...celib...I don't understand. Would someone explain this to me please?
The funny lady has gone very quiet...
No! She's back on form! She's so funny. I think I'll give her a funny hat and some bells.
My marshal is getting really worked up these days. I think he's married to the funny lady.
This is my Uncle David - he's well cool!
...so cool in fact he can marry my mum! With my dad out of the way it's about time I had a new one. Especially if he's as cool as Uncle Dave! He's killed LOADS of people!
The funny lady's not so funny anymore. She tried to gouge my eyes out with her bare hands whilst I was chanting "What are the angels saying now, sweetheart?" To the tower with her!
Clearly it's catching though. My marshal's taken over from where his wife left off! Not so funny when he's meant to be commanding the military might of Suenik!
Woo! I've grown up! What a handsome devil! I look just like dad.
Someone explained that celibacy thing to me and it sounds like it sucks - I'm going to get myself a wife!
And to celebrate I build a mine and name it in honour of my wife. My sappy sister says that I don't understand romance. I point to the increased gold output we can expect. My sister bursts into tears and runs off to write a poem. Bloody women...
I get to leave school now and take up Countly duties! Woohoo!
More well fodder shows up. Whoops.
Oh no. Time for another wa...eh? What? Hang on! That's not right is it? Damn. Whatever. I bite their hand off!
My father in law keeps looking down his nose at me. Nothing I can do is good enough. He's got himself a title now and thinks he's great and growls at me everytime he comes to dinner.
I therefore do the natural thing and knock his daughter up. I'm tempted to have woodcarvers commission a work of art celebrating the conception and send it to my father-in-law but thy say that they need more than five minutes within which to work...
My new ally then goes and does something very wonderful. He declares war on my father-in-law's liege. Well - what can I say? I'm duty bound to honour an alliance aren't I? Before things kick off too badly the old man sends envoys begging for mercy. I accept with a smug grin on my face.
And then his liege does the same! Life is SWEET as an Arab toadying Christian. I can't imagine anything going wrong, can you?
Is everything going to continue going well for Mleh? With the Emir of Edessa finally on his side does this put an end to the perpetual cycle of invasion and bribery that has been with Suenik since its inception? Or is it all going to go horribly wrong in true Garman-Aghbania style? Tune in for the next exciting episode!