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That ninja-wife is the scariest of all... :eek::D
 
SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 3 - HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE (or not)
(1075 - 1078)

Hello. I'm Hovhannes Senek'erim Garman-Aghbania - count of Suenik and Mesopotamia. That's MesopotAMia and not MesopotANia as my late father called me. To think he had the cheek to call ME an idiot.

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One of my first actions as count is to receive a visitor who has been hanging around since my father's day.

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Clearly the Turks are still ripping the Empire apart. Is it flattering that they think I will be their saviour? Probably not.

No sooner am I settled into my palace than I hear grim tidings.

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Clearly the Emir's coffers are running empty and he's awaiting the "Grigor Defence" to be activated. Honestly, he could just ask for a loan - I'd be happy to help a neighbour out.

None the less I go ahead with the predicatable ritual of mobilizing my host, meeting his in battle and losing. Horribly.

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On the upside some genius on my side realises that if we make our bows bigger we can shoot our sharp sticks further.

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Still, war's a funny old thing. While I'm busy concentrating on fighting the infidel (I bet if we stopped referring to them in this way they'd stop invading) my wife appears to be busy making eyes at that bald headed psycho that my father was so scared of.

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We have words. She assures me that they're "just good friends". I'm skeptical. She says that I'm the only one for her and that she'll show me just how true this is.

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I'm convinced.

Getting back to the serious business of work I write the Emir a cheque.

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Nice to know how things work in this part of the world. At round about the same time I get another offer...

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Here we have another count who cedes from the Seljuk Turks and believes that I am their saviour. I ignore him as I have more pressing things to worry about. Bastard Uncle David (who is younger than me) needs an education. I pop him off to the army so he can learn the fine art of bribery.

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At the same time a group of concerned citizens complain about the smelly peasants coming to town and violating animals in public.

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I agree. Let them stay in their farms where they belong! I'm sure this won't have any reprecussions.

A few months later we have cause to celebrate again!

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...which is then spoilt by my tramp of a wife hanging around with the bald psycho again.

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She's only just given birth for goodness sake! SOMETHING has to be done about this.

I stroke my beard darkly and think even darker thoughts.

Thankfully my chancellor lightens my mood with the following news:

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We have a big party. The goat-bothering peasantry aren't invited. I'm sure they understand.

News soon reaches me that Christian armies may presently be trundling around this area in great numbers. The news fills me with joy and trepidation. Will I be a target? After all, my swarthy good looks can seem a bit Moorish...

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As if reading my mind the local Arabs invite me along to a tournament and proceed to make fun of me.

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I fume and spit and swear revenge and insult their mothers.

Soon I am cheered up by good news.

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MWUHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That'll teach you to slag it up with my wife! MWUHahahahahahahahaha!

*ahem*

It *WAS* suicide you realise. Some people throw themselves under carts. From the top of buildings. After stabbing themselves in the head as a form of suicide. Perfectly normal.

With all the tension building in the realm some enterprising citizens decide to take to smuggling human heads for some reason.

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Well, aside from impending Christian hordes everything seems to be going ok. My realm is prosperous, we have a fine local body-farming industry and my wife's "friend" is now a pile of meaty chunks. I think I can relax.

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Oh.

What next for Suenik? Does Hovhannes Senek'erim Garman-Aghbania survive or will the strangely named Mleh Garman-Aghbania be forced to inherit at an extremely early age? Who is behind this mysterious assassin? Is it the wife? Is it the Emir? Is it the peasants?

Tune in for the next exciting installment of Suenik - Land of the Beleagured!
 
One thing I know for sure is that the assassin will have a funny name... maybe it is that infamous Toros...;):D
 
...the King of Nubia.

*waits for Enron12 to cheer*

I have to admit, when I first read this I only scrolled down to see the picture.

And I did cheer.

Then I scrolled down and saw the comment.

Then I laughed out loud.
 
With all the tension building in the realm some enterprising citizens decide to take to smuggling human heads for some reason.

Maybe they're heads of John the Baptist. Apparently your populace has read "Baudolino" a few too many times.
 
It's the ninja wife!
 
SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 4 - THE BOY WITH A SICKY NAME
(1078 - 1084)

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If you've read the previous episode and seen the above you'll realise that things didn't end well for Hovhannes Senek'erim Garman-Aghbania...

My name is Mleh and I'm a kid. My name sounds like someone being sick. I think my dad liked me but with that name... I know so little that I didn't even think to take a screen capture of myself.

Thankfully, there are funny ladies in my court and I'm kept amused.

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Apparently something bad's happened. Lots of grown ups are running around clutching their heads and saying "Oh no not again."

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Thankfully a nice man with a long beard comes to me and says I can make the baddness stop by giving him some money. I can't count yet so I have no idea if I'm being ripped off or not. For some reason Uncle David is running around using a word I don't understand. He seems sad. The word is "bankrupt". Does anyone know what that means?

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A group of smelly people with goats have come to see me. They're annoyed about something called "serfdom". I don't know what that means so I ask my advisors. They shake their heads and say that I shouldn't worry about it so I send the men with the goats away. They are muttering about "pitchforks" and "burning torches". And they look annoyed. Everyone assures me that this isn't anything to worry about.

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Fast forward a few years and my mother believes me to be a great disappointment. I tell the stupid woman to shut up and lock her in a tower. Silly cow.

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To celebrate I send my army out and I butcher a bunch of people who were smuggling heads. Apparently this makes me wise and just.

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My sister is such a swot. Everyone loves her. Bah.

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I may only be a young 'un but I set a Suenik record and start improving my provinces. Behold! A forestry!

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My granny storms out of the castle declaring that I'm a "sexist little brat who will burn in hell". Silly old bag. Hasn't she got some sewing to be getting on with or something.

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A desperate, pleading Arab comes to court puffing and panting, claiming that only we can save them from the Seljuk Turks. I've never heard of his country. I've heard of the Turks. I throw him down a well and kid on that he never arrived.

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Celi...celib...I don't understand. Would someone explain this to me please?

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The funny lady has gone very quiet...

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No! She's back on form! She's so funny. I think I'll give her a funny hat and some bells.

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My marshal is getting really worked up these days. I think he's married to the funny lady.

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This is my Uncle David - he's well cool!

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...so cool in fact he can marry my mum! With my dad out of the way it's about time I had a new one. Especially if he's as cool as Uncle Dave! He's killed LOADS of people!

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The funny lady's not so funny anymore. She tried to gouge my eyes out with her bare hands whilst I was chanting "What are the angels saying now, sweetheart?" To the tower with her!

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Clearly it's catching though. My marshal's taken over from where his wife left off! Not so funny when he's meant to be commanding the military might of Suenik!

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Woo! I've grown up! What a handsome devil! I look just like dad.

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Someone explained that celibacy thing to me and it sounds like it sucks - I'm going to get myself a wife!

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And to celebrate I build a mine and name it in honour of my wife. My sappy sister says that I don't understand romance. I point to the increased gold output we can expect. My sister bursts into tears and runs off to write a poem. Bloody women...

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I get to leave school now and take up Countly duties! Woohoo!

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More well fodder shows up. Whoops.

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Oh no. Time for another wa...eh? What? Hang on! That's not right is it? Damn. Whatever. I bite their hand off!

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My father in law keeps looking down his nose at me. Nothing I can do is good enough. He's got himself a title now and thinks he's great and growls at me everytime he comes to dinner.

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I therefore do the natural thing and knock his daughter up. I'm tempted to have woodcarvers commission a work of art celebrating the conception and send it to my father-in-law but thy say that they need more than five minutes within which to work...

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My new ally then goes and does something very wonderful. He declares war on my father-in-law's liege. Well - what can I say? I'm duty bound to honour an alliance aren't I? Before things kick off too badly the old man sends envoys begging for mercy. I accept with a smug grin on my face.

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And then his liege does the same! Life is SWEET as an Arab toadying Christian. I can't imagine anything going wrong, can you?

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Is everything going to continue going well for Mleh? With the Emir of Edessa finally on his side does this put an end to the perpetual cycle of invasion and bribery that has been with Suenik since its inception? Or is it all going to go horribly wrong in true Garman-Aghbania style? Tune in for the next exciting episode!
 
You should have conquered Edessa. :p
meh... :D

I SHOULD. However, it's the slight problem of them out numbering me and being more advanced than me that's holding me back... I'm sure that situation will rectify itself soon.

Honest.
 
I like how well this is going for an obscure county with an even more obscure dynasty name, surrounded by enemies and leeches. If things continue to go well... Mleh, who knows... It's always just entertaining to watch courtiers go into schizophrenia :D

I'm curious what mods you use though. Muslims never offer alliances to me, and those Muslim sheikdom shields just look too cool! No more boring two-color banners.
 
It's going well at the moment... There are a few twists and turns around the corner. It's nice to play as something a bit different though (thanks to those of you who offered suggestions of counties to play) and even more interesting to see how it's panning out!

As for mods, I'm using Sarmatia1871's "Medieval-izing Crusader Kings" graphics mod for some of the event and action pictures. For the coats of arms I'm using Solo_Adhemar's metallic heraldry mod . As for game mods, I'm playing Deus Vult version 2.0.

Naturally I recommend both graphics mods highly (and should probably have given them credit where credit's due at the begining)!
 
SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 5 - I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS...
(1084 - 1086)

Hello. Mleh here again. Remember how well things were going last episode. Well they've become somewhat more complicated... Pay attention, I shall say this only once...

Everything was bimbling along nicely until somewhere called the Emirate of Mazandaran declared war on me. No, I have no idea who they are or where they are. Unfortunatly they brought their mates along with them - the Beydom of Vaspurakan, the Shiekdom of Gilan and some other guys...what were there names again?

Oh yeah - the Seljuk Turks...

Uh huh. All together now "Ouch".

In fact, this sent me into such a frenzy of panic that I forgot to get screen captures of the many "You're at war and are in a lot of trouble!" messages that popped up.

For those of you who were wondering, my new "allies" were nowhere to be seen!

However, rest assured that poor old Suenik is at war. It's not all bad news. The Beydom of Vaspurakan is right next door to me so I might be able to flee there when my fort is torched...

Thankfully, the infidels' campaign doesn't exactly get off to a flyer. Mazandaran makes some remark to Gila about camels that he takes the wrong way and they have a falling out.

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Naturally I accept! Gift horses (or camels in this case) and all that jazz.

I manage to get an army to Vaspurakan and find one waiting for me - commanded by the Sultan of the Seljuk Turks himself!

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Thankfully he's only brought a small bodyguard of troops with him so I get rather overexcited at the thought of besting him and start showing off slightly.

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The filthy Turks flee like the dogs they are! Yes, they'll be back in force but I bask in the glory of victory for the time being.

My former marshal, Smbat, doesn't see it this way though. In fact, his swansong isn't really that mad at all.

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Having swatted away the Turks I lay siege to the province and capture it, declaring it part of my realm!

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The secret of my success? Double Mleh power! That's my little joke. It helps to laugh at times like this.

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I've got some cash left so I employ the time-honoured Grigor Defence on Mazandaran.

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Great success!

I try the same on the Turks.

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Bugger. Oh well. Guess I'm just going to have to take them on militarily now. I've got three provinces now so I must be a force to reckon with, right?

As a sop to my onrushing depression my wife gives me some good news.

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Oh great. She's named him after the dead mad guy.

I ask her if she likes the thought of living in a harem and having her children speaking Turkish. She cries "Can't you just be happy for me!" and runs off wailing. Bloody women.

Stomping angrily back to my tent I ask my marshal for news on the war. I think he's been drinking because he giggles and indcates the smoke rising in the distance before breaking into great gasping sobs.

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Oh.

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Oh.

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Oh.

I had three provinces...

...and I have a bad feelng about this!

Is this the end for brave Suenik? Will it become merely another three yellow blobs in the Seljuk Sultante? What fate awaits Mleh's wife in the harem? Has it all gonoe wrong? Find out in the next exciting episode (even if it is just an inevitable "game over")!
 
The Grigor Defense! Quick! The Grigor Defense!;):D
 
great aar, makes me feel like giving the old CK another go :D

feed the seldjuks on one prov if they don't want to take the monies
i'll keep my fingers crossed and hope you'll wiggle out of this... crap

btw; it's Gardman-Aghbania, your dynasty dynasty name :p
 
btw; it's Gardman-Aghbania, your dynasty dynasty name :p

I knew that. Honest.

Well spotted. Deliberate mistake, you know...

Have a magic biscuit!