Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

So, the fighting, the killing and the spilling of blood has ceased, the wounded have been bandaged, the flames have been doused and I've had a hot bath.

Suitably refreshed I spread a large map of the Empire out on my table and plan the resumption of the Time of Peace (TM). It's going to be good. I can already see my people hard at work, raising the buildings that will bring wealth and prosperity to my kingdom...

Now...

How are the ol' coffers looking?



Oh.

I guess the Time of Peace (TM) is going to have to wait until the Time of Sitting Around Waiting For Funds to Replenish (patent pending) has come to pass.

In the meantime I decide that I'm fed up with the ungrateful pagan peasantry in the north of the Empire continually revolting, so I decide to encourage my well-meaning and loving clergy to roam the countryside spreading the love of Christ (expressed via the medium of torture and immolation).



Hopefully, after the flames on the first few burning pyres have died down, and the smell of barbecuing heretic has started wafting gently on the breeze the pagan population of Alania will take the hint, put away the robes and the over the top rituals and embrace Orthodox Christianity (with its robes and er...over the top rituals...).

With the coffers busy filling with gold and the priesthood busy cremating pagans, what are my peasants getting up to? Well, coincidentally this is the 666th picture in our tale...

666.

The number of the beast.

Sounds pretty serious.

What could this mean for Suenik? What will it show? Dire prophecies of times to come? A long look into the abyss? Satan's own visage? Fire and brimstone?



No - just the usual hodge-potch of Suenikian agricultural mayhem. On one hand the peasants in the capital show their displeasure at my "Burn a Heathen For God" initiative and manage to turn the jewel in the crown of the Empire into even more of a hole than a dysantry-ravaged, war-torn pile of rubble can be; while on the other the good people of Suenik and Kurdistan make a valient effort to improve their lot in life. Well done them (and boo sucks to the ungrateful devil-worshipping ingrates in the north)!

Still, I'm somewhat disappointed at the content of the 666th picture. I was expecting a dire portent or omen.

Ho hum.

To pass the time I decide to assert my moral superiority and follow the advice of a friend and faithful reader (you know who you are!) and relinquish some of my claims.



I don't think my rival's unduely patronised...

As I'm waiting for my loyal subjects to turn Suenik into a blazing economic powerhouse I decide to pay a visit to my couriters and see how they're getting on. Everyone is doing well and enjoying the break from insurrection and rebellion that the Time of Sitting Around Waiting For Funds to Replinsh (patent pending) brings. However, all is not well at my marshall's castle.



I TOLD him he could lose the dress and go back to wearing normal clothes, but would he listen to me? Oh no - he would rather go prancing around in the middle of winter wearing a little chiffon number. Dear oh dear. I pat him on the back, smile and assure him that everything will be ok. How worse can it get?



Somehow the big blouse doesn't seem reassured. I need to get myself a new marshall.

Months pass and everything begins to look rosier. I settle back with a glass of wine (NOT the stuff they produce in Amida - it's probably fermented with adder venom or something!) and flick through the plan I've written for rebuilding during the Time of Peace. As long as there are no more upsets I can see a glorious, golden future for the Empire.



Oh.

Clearly my priests are doing a completely crap job if I'm still being troubled with this superstitious nonsense. I sit down and pen a missive to them instituting performance-related pay. Their Key Performance Indicators? Pagans converted or pagans burned!

Hopefully that will put an end to me being bothered with guff like this! I mean, who believes in this sort of rubbish anyway?

Hang on - what's that noise? It sounds like a commotion. I take a peek outside of my throne room door.

Oh no...

Not again...



Why exactly is my one and only daughter running around screaming "THE STARS ARE RIGHT???"

I've got a bad feeling about this...

Will Bagrat ever get his Time of Peace? Is Yeva lost to the Dark Side? Will anyone ever get agriculture right in Suenik? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

truth is life: The mods I'm using are Sarmatia1871's "Medieval-izing Crusader Kings" graphics mod (the Orthodox version) for some of the event and action pictures.

The lovely shiny coats of arms are from Solo_Adhemar's metallic heraldry mod .

Gameplay wise I'm using DV with the latest beta patch. Nothing else.

Raaritsgozilla: Nothing to do with poor old Bagrat. People have been going mad in his family long before he showed up!

Farquharson: I think increasing clergy power increases the chance of some conversion events firing in a province that doesn't share the ruler's faith. Or I could just be barking up the wrong tree - my peasants seem more concerned with preaching doom and causing trouble rather than converting. Nothing from Suenik should ever be taken as gospel!

praxiteles: I'll try really, really, really hard to remember next time! And a people watch will be coming shortly!

Murmurandus: Yeah. They are a bit shi...er...less than dedicated, aren't they?

jordarkelf: I have never noticed it in any other of the CK games I've played, but in this one it certainly seems to keep on a-coming. My money's on it being inherited!

Just added an index. Bloody hell, that took FOREVER!

Eams said:

Bagrat isn't lower middle class, is he?

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Bagrat's Suenikian royalty...

...make of that what you will...

Malurous said:

Just caught up, kudos to your signature for catching my attention.

Great sense of humor here and hilarious events! I'll be following.

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Glad you're enjoying it! And I'm glad my signature is working!

QUOTE=Judas Maccabeus;10424923]*sigh* Basil, if you're going to be wearing a dress, that's fine, but do try and do it properly. You could probably find a lovely selection of fur coats to go with them... quite stylish and keeps you very warm, too. [/QUOTE]

You know, I think you'd fit right in in Suenik...

Johan11 said:

Caught up!!!!

This is Oshin.

Quick question, what are you gonna do if you want to get Beatified?

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Glad you're enjoying it! As for being beatified I have absolutely no idea what to do - is it even worthwhile? Bagrat's plan at the moment is simply to keep away from the ladies and hope that the Good Lord will smile down upon him for bottling up his frustrations!

So, by popular request here is my son and heir - the servant of the miserable one. I think my wife named him.



As you can see he's proud and zealous, yet chaste with it. However, judging by his piety he's not paid much attention to his good Christian upbringing! He's also a rebellious little scamp and bears watching!

Next up we have...



...my poor, mad daughter. Like most mad Gardman-Aghbanias she's a dab hand when it comes to the shadier aspects of life - namely the aspects that involve lying to people, poisioning them, spying on them and having venemous insects left in their latrines. All the good stuff. I suppose what the good Lord takes away with one hand he gives with the other.

Now we have...



...my lovely young bride. As you can see she's a ditsy, overly romantic child whose head is full of nonsense, and who isn't particularly good at anything. She's nice to have around the house though and we're terribly, terribly in love. Warms your heart, doesn't it?

Now, this next guy is going to be very important to the following chapters of our story so pay attention...



I'm not exactly sure what he's got to be depressed about. He's stinking rich, married to a ninja and currently squatting in the Roman Emperor's palace! Ballsy little sod, eh? But take a closer look - he's not some random, lucky nobody who caught the Emperor with his pants down. Look who his oldest son is:



That's right - his son is my occasional nemesis, the Sultan of the Seljuk Turks! I'm not quite sure how that happened - perhaps Daddy decided that he quite liked prancing around in the Emperor's old clothes, eating in his palace and cavorting with his well-oiled slave girls and boys? Or maybe the ungrateful little oik that he calls his son simply pushed him out. Who knows - all part of life's rich tapestry I guess.

As well as having a hugely powerful son (who even has holdings in Spain!) he is also friends with this chap:



The German King of Italy...whose holdings are largely in Germany. And who used to be the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire. This is a mad, mad world we live in.

I hope you enjoyed that little snapshot of the world in 1140. More will follow soon!

AllmyJames said:

What kind of Armenian name is Aboulgharib anyway? Sounds Arabic to me...

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Funny you should say that. When he first surface I managed to get my top scholars on the case *coughs* and got some answers here and here.

Thanks chaps!