SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 12 - WOULD THE LAST PERSON OUT PLEASE SHUT THE DOOR?
(1097 - 1099)
Behold! Mleh the Invincible! Survivor of assassins! Mighty ruler of Suenik!
(Ok - so he damn near crippled me, but I survived!)
I've still no idea who sent him after me, but I have my suspicions. None the less, I order a huge festival to celebrate my invincibility.
Toros is seen openly weeping in the streets and giving thanks to the Almighty for my safety.
Further evidence of the hand of the Divine at work in Suenik is provided when my poorly, sick brother is healed of whatever ailment it was he picked up from an Albanian prostit...er...when out campaigning.
I relax in the comforting knowledge that Suenik is obviously being looked after by a higher power...
...then this idiot shows up and spoils my mood by demanding to be able to fight with Toros.
Naturally I allow it - one so manly as Toros should be able to best any foe.
There is a lot of chest-puffing-out, dramatic pointing, pacing, pouting and yelling (mainly about things like "honour" - whatever that is).
The resulting duel is more like a game of girly slaps and they both walk away unscathed and still hating each other.
Dissappointed, I shoot the breeze with the Emir of Azerbijan and we slaughter some pigs.
I arrive back at the castle, laden down with sodden chunks of hog flesh only to find the whole place in an uproar. Once I calm everyone down I find out that this joker has a death wish.
Given that my sister has just invested in a new pirhana pool I exile him for his own safety.
I then get good news wrapped in bad news.
Yes - my randy, wife seducing Bishop has left my sister and run away to join the Arabs. Maybe it was something to do with the pirhanas? Whatever the case I chuckle darkly to myself. Let's see how much employment a Bishop can find in a Muslim court.
Mind you, he's probably just in it for the chicks to be fair.
Personally though, I don't care. I knock down his palace and hand his estate over to the peasants. They're puzzled by this display of love and affection. Some of them are downright suspicious and demand to be flogged just to be sure that this isn't some kind of trick.
Meanwhile, because the last duel was such an anti-climax, Mr Toros hater tries his luck again.
After much shoving and hair-pulling we have yet another non-commital result. I imply to Toros that he may not be as manly as he name suggests.
He cries.
I suggest that my step-sister Leyli (one of these irritating child prodigies) should maybe fight in his place.
Toros, being Toros, weeps like a girl. It amuses me that people think Leyli is a "thrill seeker". Just how thrilling can sewing be exactly?
My chancellor then storms up to me and bleats on about being unappreciated. I palm him off with some gold.
A little while later my sister brings me two pieces of interesting news. On one hand the peasants in Suenik have finally found a use for sand...
...while on the other it seems that the Sheikdom of Derbent has had a change of leadership and that the new sheik has different ideas of how it should be run.
We chat over lunch (served on gold plates) and some wine (served in gold goblets) before sitting out on the battlements (on gold chairs) and deciding that we should be friends. I let him take one item of gold away with him. He plumps for the chairs. As a token of good will he sends me his first born daughter.
Good - we need another kitchen hand after the old one spilled soup on my sister. That poor girl... I never knew the horror that could be inflicted on another human being using only a candle, three inches of twine and a Gurgen (a small, burrowing mammal native to Suenik)...
Urgh. Gives me shivers just thinking about it. I advise Roxanna to walk very slowly when carrying soup.
News soon reaches me that the peasants, still slightly spooked by my gesture of good will, would like a return to the status quo. The just can't handle me being nice so they deliberatly try and provoke me.
I oblige by having them put to the sword. Some of them even say "thank you" while they are being beaten. That's the spirit that made Suenik great!
I sit back and relax as I watch my soldiers chase screaming peasants across the desert. My chancellor further cheers me up with the news that the COUNT of Derbent thinks I'm great. Has he converted? Wow. He must really love those chairs.
I celebrate by hanging some Albanians.
Try it sometime - you'll feel good...
...however, your good mood will doubtlessly be spoiled by some whining bitch coming to you and moaning about how they're not valued.
Ok, why don't you just fu...hang on. You look familiar.
It's Levon the randy Bishop! He's come back from Bira with his tail between his legs and is now sulking because nobody is paying him any attention! I keep him around just to taunt him!
...and then my Bishop mysteriously "dies of old age". Since when has "accidentally" stabbing yourself in the face with a dagger been considered "dying of old age"?
As Prince, I demand that this be investigated!
My sister then points out that there's nothing to be worried about; that she, as my spy master, would doubtlessly be aware if anything suspicious was going on...
I nervously ask her how things are going with Levon. She smiles in that predatory way of hers and purrs that everything is just fine. I go to leave and she archly wonders if I've given any thought to who my new Bishop is going to be.
Bah.
However, the worst is yet to come. I'm awakened in the small hours to news that Toros has been seen running through the streets naked (save for a terrfied Gurgen that he is wearing on his head as a hat) yelling that the end is nigh!
Oh.
Has the Almighty turned His gaze away from Suenik? Is the end nigh? What has driven Toros to maddness? Will Mleh ever be man enough to stand up to his sister? Find out in the next exciting installment of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!