SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 80 - THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (FINALLY)!
(1185-1186)
Er...
Hi everyone!
My name is Ruben Gardman-Aghbania and I've, rather inconveniently, ended up as the Holy Roman Emperor of Suenik.
I know, I know... Some might say
ungrateful but honestly... I was kind of hoping that my old man would go on for a bit longer and one of my younger brothers would outlive me.
The whole thing is just a bit...you know...daunting... I'm not sure I'm built to handle it.
For starters, nobody likes me!
Well, not quite "no-one" but a sizable portion of my vassals want to gut me like a fish.
I don't even know why - I'm sure half of these sycophants used to bring me presents to my father's court when I was younger.
My
father's court...
Why can't it still be that way?
However, not everyone hates me.
Here's my wife.
As you can see, I've given her a job and she is now busy defending me from men in black pyjamas who want to give me an enema with a poisoned dagger.
All employed by my supposedly loyal vassals.
Or, in this case, not so loyal vassals...
I let him go. I really, really, REALLY can't handle the thought of a war with anyone. With this in mind I retire to my chamber and think dark thoughts. Hopefully he'll commit some massive social gaffe and end up as some Hungarian's court jester.
It's not just my vassals though. In fact, I think I've been unfair in branding my vassals as disloyal bitches worthy of flogging. It's not them that's the problem - it's these bloody Catholics!
I've grown up in the near east - I don't think I've ever met a Catholic! Aren't they just the same as us (only slightly more hung up on Latin)? And why should they hate me so much? What have I done to them?
Cast your mind back to my previous sentence.
Now answer it with "Burnt down some villages and hung the traitorous inhabitants within".
They had it coming to them.
Clearly my new image as peasant-burning-tyrant goes down like a cold beer on a hot day with the local Orthodox independents, as no sooner has the slightly nauseating meaty smell from what used to be a village vanished than I get offers like this:
My vassals then jump on the bandwagon and start declaring war on Catholic bishops!
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Hopefully this will send out a strong, forceful message to any of those Catholics stupid enough to still oppose me.
...or not.
Stupid Catholics.
I hand out this Bishop's title to some guy who's friends with the Prince of Arabia Felix. He should do a grand job of governing those irritating little Catholics.
This new piece of land also allows me to add another title to my collection.
I went to Sicily with my father once, back before the Catholics started trying to bring about the apocalypse.
I miss my dad.
He'd know what to do.
Especially what to do with these sodding Catholics...
Actually, I've just had a genius idea!
I give my new title to some Sicilian Catholic. That way, he'll go to his people, tell them what a great guy I am and maybe they'll stop burning effigies of me in the streets!
Sadly, not everyone agrees with the new, slightly fiery direction I'm taking the Orthodox faith in.
Toros gets a punch in the cock and a reminder to toe the party line.
As he's picking himself up off the floor Mira proves herself to be a fast learner.
God then proves he can go one better than me. I met out justice of the most harsh, genital kind to my subjects, while the Almighty really, really, REALLY messes them up.
Did I mention that Smbat is a Catholic?
That, ladies and gents, is what we in the trade refer to as "a sign from Above"!
Quite clearly, what I am being told by no less than the Ultimate Power in the Universe is that I should wipe Catholicism from the face of the earth. That's the only logical interpretation, right?
To this end, I have a cunning plan...
Oh YEAH! Let's dance Your Holiness! Let's see who's side our Lord is truly on!
Yes, Suenik is back! But is this the end? A mental ruler from the word go - what could be more Suenikian? What could possible go wrong? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!