Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

Needless to say I waste little time in declaring war on the dear, little Beydom of Ani. Let's face it, if I don't the Turks will and then my dream of Princely glory will fade like the dying rays of the sun.

Wow - that was quite poetic for a Gardman-Aghbania. I must be getting soft. Or smarter. Probably smarter. I have made some amazing decisions recently.

Annnnnnnyhoo... I get some great news from the front. My beast of a brother has engadged the awesome might of the Beydom's military.



I love a fair fight. I also love disproportionate casualties.



I can hear my brother braying like a happy donkey from here. With a big grin on my face I settle back and wait for the siege to finish and the Bey to surrender his lands to me. However, my Steward storms into my chambers, frothing at the mouth and demanding to be allowed to fight a duel.



Now, I like my Steward. He's good at what he does. I don't really like the thought of him getting pointlessly wasted in a fight. However, when he tells me who the duel's against I change my mind.



This ugly beast is the seducer of the ex missus Garman-Aghbania (she of the unfortunate "Oh Mleh you're such a kinslayer!" incident). Not only do I authorise the duel but I pay for my Steward to be given a brand new, very shiny and VERY sharp sword.

Sadly nobody dies but there IS blood and Aboughamr ends up massivly wounded.

Serves him right. Besides, he sounds like something you'd get stuck in your nose.

My desire to see all those that oppose me injured horribly temporarily sated, I turn my attention back to the war. My sister is taking an interest too (technically this is her doing).



Anyone good at maths? If I'm right (and I'm rarely wrong as I'm sure you'll agree) one hundred and twenty men minus seventy four is forty six. My army amounts to over seven thousand. I pat my sister on the head and point out that war is a man's game and didn't she have some knitting she could be getting on with.

Her response was somewhat alarming.



Now. Don't get me wrong. I'm not one to be dicated to by a woman. Oh no. Not me. I wear thr trousers around here thank you very much. Are we all clear on that? Good.

This means that it's obvious to you all that I'm not caving into her demands by showering gold upon her, nor am I really scared about her going to work for the enemy. Ok? She's just a frail, helpless woman who I'm giving some money to to buy a pretty frock so she gets over whatever hormonal imbalance caused her last outburst. Just so there's no rumourmongering, ok?

So, back to the war.

It goes well, the Bey caves and I rule his land.



Hurrah!

Now, as those of you who have been paying attention will know, I have a claim on the Princedom of Trebizond. The current (ha!) Prince of Trebizond is clearly not aware (or bothered) by this and decides to voice an opinion of his own at a tournament. Apparently my trusty steed Conkers is a "girl's horse".



A GIRL'S horse? A HORSE FOR GIRLS???? Why you... How DARE he refer to Conkers like that! Well, I know the best way to deal with THAT sort of behaviour!



Clearly my decision to arbitarily wage war on the Prince and his people is a popular one because this nice chap turns up complete with a claim to the Prince's county.



Interesting. I may have my first ever vassal here. He seems to like me so he's a good choice.

The war starts well for me. Ol' Princey starts to regret his big mouth at the tournie...



...no sale! It's over fairly quickly and soon we're at the negotiating table and I'm sitting behind a large mural spelling out "who rides a girl's horse now, bitch?" in big, gold letters.



I let the ex-Prince stay on as Conkers' stable boy. That'll learn him. I commison Manuel a special "My First Vassal" hat. He doesn't look too happy wearing it. My brother is equally unhappy in Trebizond. He keeps refering to it as a "craphole". I think he's been hanging around with the King of Nubia too long.



Suenik is now a realm of prosperity and plenty. I'm a Prince! I have vassals! My bureacrats say I'm wonderfully efficent. Hopefully we can put this whole sorry "kinslayer" business behind us. Now that I'm a Prince, nobody's going to care about what happened to my last cheating whore of a wife, right?



Ah. That'll be my brother the extremely capable chancellor. I have a feeling that this is going to get expensive...

Will Mleh's reputation finally catch up with him? Will he ever shake off his overbearing sister? Does that fact that it's all going well mean that everything's about to go horribly, terribly wrong? Find out in the next exciting installment of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

As things stand, I Mleh, Prince of Trebizond (although I prefer the title "Grand Overlord of Suenik and it's dominions) am in pretty good cheer. After all, it's not every day you become the most successfull warlord in history (Suenik history) and control the mightiest empire (Suenik Empire) ever seen (by Suenikites).

It therefore blackens my mood somewhat when I find that the viscious, squabbling black-hearted collection of wretches that I call my court get together and collectivly thumb their noses at my step father.



Don't worry Step-Daddy-Dave - I still love and admire you despite your dubious parentage!

I'm all ready for a round of "let's play with branding irons and find out who started the rumours about Step Dad Dave" when I receive news that has me stroking my beard evilly (give it a try - it's very theraputic).



Yes, the Emirate of Derbent has split from the Seljuk Turks! I waste no time in initiating a cowardly land grab...er...I mean putting my realm on a war footing to reclaim Shemakha in the name of the Patriarch and Christianity!



To my joy the Sheiks of Shirvan and Albania get involved along with the Emir himself. I purr "ECCCCCKS-ellent" to myself and stroke an imaginary white cat. Sadly my dreams of global dominion are ruined by some noisy whining from outside. Looking out the window I see some goat people being loud and obnoxious and clearly in need of a good stabbing.



As I ride off with my army and I can hear the soothing sound of blade on peasant wafting through the air. It's like music. Beautiful, cruel, opressive music.

Not long after I meet the Sheik of Shemakha's army on the field of battle!



...and find out that my wife has somehow "miraculously" conceived whilst I've been away.



Honestly! What is it with me and marrying disloyal skanks who drop their drawers every single sodding time I turn my back????

I'm about to order another round of kinslaying fun when my adulterous whore of a wife is saved by a messenger bearing good news.



I'll take that - Shirvan was never part of my plans and I can dispose of them at my leisure later on. Shemakha surrenders soon after.



I'm in the money! In fact, I might use this money to buy my peasants in Mespotamia some dung to put on their fields...



...failing that, they can take some of the bull that habitually drops from the mouth of that scarlet jezzabell that I married.

Yes.

I'm sulking.

The King of Nubia takes pity on me though and offers a hug.



Apparently he has problems too with peasants failing to keep their fields suitably crappy and sympathises. What a guy!

I then find out that I've conquered yet another hive of scum and villany.



But I'm cheered up massivly when I find out that old Aboogeymar is really suffering after the leathering my steward gave him last year.



Ha! May God have mercy on him indeed! It's the pit of fire for you adulterer!!!! Speaking of adulterers...



Yes - she's at it again! With the Diocese bishop this time! WHILST PREGNANT! She's worse than the last one! I have words.



Oh ha bloody ha. So your new boyfriend is able to tarnish my reputation is he? Bloody women. After this one goes I'm staying single and that's that.



Somehow this isn't the happy event it should be. Odd how having a priest-chasing slag of a wife can do that to a celebration, isn't it?



And look! Said wife's unhappy about the fact that I'm not screaming my joy from the top of the palace! NEWSFLASH - THE BABY'S PROBABLY NOT EVEN MINE YOU BLOODY HARPY! Now button it!

Right - back to war and other man's stuff.



Good - three down, an Emir to go! I then get news that, whilst distressing, proves to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that my cause is just, that this is a Good War (with a capital "G" and a capital "W" no less!) and that I am on the side of the Almighty (and not merely picking on someone smaller than me who has no bigger friends).



Dirty, murdering, child-butchering scum bags! Did you all see that? THEY BURNT DOWN A SCHOOL!!!! Now, not only do I have the bigger army I have the moral high ground too!

Occasionally my advisors make me laugh and I forget that I should be slapping them and yelling at them to get out of my sight.




Not bloody likely!

My "Champion of God" complex takes a slight blow when I find out that my gigolo of a Bishop has in fact been cured of whatever foul STD it was that he managed to contract from one of my syphalitic, plague dog wives.



...but I ignore this when the Emirate falls before the might of Suenik! Hurrah for me!



Will Mleh ever find happiness in anything other than bloodshed and conquest? Will all women continue to treat him like a Princely Doormat? Will he end up picking off the provinces of the Seljuk Sultanate one territory at a time? Will anyone ever consider him pious? Find out in the next exciting installment of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

Hi viewers!

Apologies for the absence of new material in the last week - work and real life have proven to be mentally busy. However, never fear - Suenik will be back tonight (or "this morning" depending on your time zone)!

Iain

Apologies about the delay in updating...


Ah...

Land.

Lots of lovely land.

Unfortunatly I can't hang on to it. I have the administrative ability of a ferret and I suspect that my steward is on the take. So I start farming out my new provinces.



There you go son! You can build some krikors of your own there.



Cousin Bagrat - you sound like a drowned rodent but I think you'd make a decent ruler. Have an expanse of barren desert to tend to. If you're really lucky the peasants might even remember to distribute poo over their fields to make what little grassland you have fertile.



Step Daddy Dave - you can rule over this new place. I don't know what it's like but it's got a beach!

I'm told a beach is like a desert but with lots of water. Sounds amazing.



...and Derbent goes to my good heathen chum Kurush. May you rule over your conquered people wisely and tyrannically.

I'm sitting looking pleased with my first act of Just'n'Wise leadership (TM) when my sister comes to me and moans that she needs a husband. Sitting steepling my fingers I come up with a plan...



...that's it! You can marry my randy, wife-bothering bishop! And if he gets out of line you can poision him. Great success!

I'm so pleased with how clever I am that I order some brigands hanged.




Nothing like hearing the snap of the trapdoor and the creak of the hangman's rope to make you feel like a proper Prince. I bet this is what the Emperor of Byzantium feels like every day.

I decide that I'm great at this marriage game so I arrange an exotic marriage for Toros 'cos he's got such a manly name!



"Aren't I a great ruler day?" ends abruptly when I get news that a "valued" courtier is going to leave!



The face isn't familiar so I ask my sister for some advice. Who is this important personage who is abandoning me? How badly is the realm going to be affected by her departure?



Riiiiiight... So I'm meant to be concerned that the schizo mad woman is leaving my court? Pah! If this is the only downside of being a kinslayer be off with her I say!

I chuckle to myself. Some maniac throwing a strop is not going to dampen my mood.



Ah - this guy is actually quite useful. I bribe him and he begrudgingly stays. My sister tells me that this is a temporary fix at best - most of my courtiers are whispering disloyally about me and threatening to walk. And it's getting worse every month.

I take no notice of rumours (in fact, rumours are now treason) and I award myself another title!



Now that I'm a big shot I arrange cousin Gurgen (almost as manly a name as Toros) a big shot marriage.



Oh yeah. Friends in high places. Check me out.



Wha...what? ANOTHER pissed off courtier? Honestly - guys! Come on! What have I done wrong? Let's just forget about the whole "dead wife" thing, ok? Let's just agree that it was a shame that it happened and that I'm oh so sorry that it did and we can draw a line in a sand and say nothing more about it.

Deal?



Oh.


Will Mleh survive? Who is behind the mysterious assassin? Will Krikor be forced to inherit at an early age? Have the Bishop's lusts been sated? Find out in the next exciting installment of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

You got that, huh?

Behold! Mleh the Invincible! Survivor of assassins! Mighty ruler of Suenik!



(Ok - so he damn near crippled me, but I survived!)

I've still no idea who sent him after me, but I have my suspicions. None the less, I order a huge festival to celebrate my invincibility.

Toros is seen openly weeping in the streets and giving thanks to the Almighty for my safety.



Further evidence of the hand of the Divine at work in Suenik is provided when my poorly, sick brother is healed of whatever ailment it was he picked up from an Albanian prostit...er...when out campaigning.



I relax in the comforting knowledge that Suenik is obviously being looked after by a higher power...

...then this idiot shows up and spoils my mood by demanding to be able to fight with Toros.



Naturally I allow it - one so manly as Toros should be able to best any foe.

There is a lot of chest-puffing-out, dramatic pointing, pacing, pouting and yelling (mainly about things like "honour" - whatever that is).

The resulting duel is more like a game of girly slaps and they both walk away unscathed and still hating each other.

Dissappointed, I shoot the breeze with the Emir of Azerbijan and we slaughter some pigs.



I arrive back at the castle, laden down with sodden chunks of hog flesh only to find the whole place in an uproar. Once I calm everyone down I find out that this joker has a death wish.



Given that my sister has just invested in a new pirhana pool I exile him for his own safety.

I then get good news wrapped in bad news.



Yes - my randy, wife seducing Bishop has left my sister and run away to join the Arabs. Maybe it was something to do with the pirhanas? Whatever the case I chuckle darkly to myself. Let's see how much employment a Bishop can find in a Muslim court.

Mind you, he's probably just in it for the chicks to be fair.

Personally though, I don't care. I knock down his palace and hand his estate over to the peasants. They're puzzled by this display of love and affection. Some of them are downright suspicious and demand to be flogged just to be sure that this isn't some kind of trick.



Meanwhile, because the last duel was such an anti-climax, Mr Toros hater tries his luck again.



After much shoving and hair-pulling we have yet another non-commital result. I imply to Toros that he may not be as manly as he name suggests.

He cries.

I suggest that my step-sister Leyli (one of these irritating child prodigies) should maybe fight in his place.



Toros, being Toros, weeps like a girl. It amuses me that people think Leyli is a "thrill seeker". Just how thrilling can sewing be exactly?

My chancellor then storms up to me and bleats on about being unappreciated. I palm him off with some gold.



A little while later my sister brings me two pieces of interesting news. On one hand the peasants in Suenik have finally found a use for sand...



...while on the other it seems that the Sheikdom of Derbent has had a change of leadership and that the new sheik has different ideas of how it should be run.



We chat over lunch (served on gold plates) and some wine (served in gold goblets) before sitting out on the battlements (on gold chairs) and deciding that we should be friends. I let him take one item of gold away with him. He plumps for the chairs. As a token of good will he sends me his first born daughter.



Good - we need another kitchen hand after the old one spilled soup on my sister. That poor girl... I never knew the horror that could be inflicted on another human being using only a candle, three inches of twine and a Gurgen (a small, burrowing mammal native to Suenik)...

Urgh. Gives me shivers just thinking about it. I advise Roxanna to walk very slowly when carrying soup.

News soon reaches me that the peasants, still slightly spooked by my gesture of good will, would like a return to the status quo. The just can't handle me being nice so they deliberatly try and provoke me.



I oblige by having them put to the sword. Some of them even say "thank you" while they are being beaten. That's the spirit that made Suenik great!

I sit back and relax as I watch my soldiers chase screaming peasants across the desert. My chancellor further cheers me up with the news that the COUNT of Derbent thinks I'm great. Has he converted? Wow. He must really love those chairs.



I celebrate by hanging some Albanians.



Try it sometime - you'll feel good...

...however, your good mood will doubtlessly be spoiled by some whining bitch coming to you and moaning about how they're not valued.



Ok, why don't you just fu...hang on. You look familiar.



It's Levon the randy Bishop! He's come back from Bira with his tail between his legs and is now sulking because nobody is paying him any attention! I keep him around just to taunt him!



...and then my Bishop mysteriously "dies of old age". Since when has "accidentally" stabbing yourself in the face with a dagger been considered "dying of old age"?

As Prince, I demand that this be investigated!

My sister then points out that there's nothing to be worried about; that she, as my spy master, would doubtlessly be aware if anything suspicious was going on...

I nervously ask her how things are going with Levon. She smiles in that predatory way of hers and purrs that everything is just fine. I go to leave and she archly wonders if I've given any thought to who my new Bishop is going to be.

Bah.

However, the worst is yet to come. I'm awakened in the small hours to news that Toros has been seen running through the streets naked (save for a terrfied Gurgen that he is wearing on his head as a hat) yelling that the end is nigh!



Oh.

Has the Almighty turned His gaze away from Suenik? Is the end nigh? What has driven Toros to maddness? Will Mleh ever be man enough to stand up to his sister? Find out in the next exciting installment of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!