A History Of England Part II 1522-1538

PART 2

Lorraine loses their hard fought gain in Helvetia, and that province becomes part of Savoy in July. However, the Lorraine army is on the verge of taking Paris, when what would become known as 'The Waiters Revolt' breaks out. The Lorraines deal with the rebels and force a peace on France, claiming Milan in the treaty. I shrug, Milan will be hard to hold as it's seperated from mainland Lorraine. After years of chaos, Europe is at peace, I would wager, this is only a cease fire.

In November 1524, tragedy strikes England when Richard Earl of Norfolk, Duke of Orleans, Prince of Paris, and High Protector Of England dies. His twenty years of service will be remembered for the two heroic battles of Burgogne, repeatedly storming the walls of Normandy, and his capture of Paris. The country is in mourning, and I arrange for him to be buried within Westminster. His corpse is the only one not being a monarch to be entombed there. The loss ruins my Christmas. While we still have Brandon in the field, he cannot compare to our fallen Hero of France. In December we lose another trusted friend, as Admiral Howard meets his death in a bizzare dining accident. Although our fleet is less important now, the political capital of sinking the enemy's invasion forces is vital. We bury Howard in Plymouth, building a small memorial there. I make some modest improvements to the army, and promote a few more Chief Justices. When they are invested we will solve Henry's marriage woes.

Prussia becomes the first nation to change religion when they declare their break from Rome in January 1526, Hesse follows a few days later. We wait to see Europe's reaction to the news. In May, Milan ceedes from Lorraine and declare's it's independence. We immediately invite them into our alliance. The peace of Europe is shattered when Hanover declares war on Hesse. They are backed by Spain, Cologne, Portugal, the Teutons, Tripoli, and heavyweight Cyranaica. Bookies are no longer taking bets to the outcome of this little scrap. Hesse stands alone, we did broach the subject of an alliance with them shortly before the war broke out, but Reverend Beckenbauer, their emissary here called me a Papist bootlicker, in a less than cordial exchange. The valiant Carlisle has reached California. I don't know what they are using for shoes as they've been out of supply for over a year. We ask them to continue their march up the coastline. At year's end, Sir Kim Philby rushes into my office with the exiting news that our spies have stolen sea charts from another nation. I order champaigne to be delivered, only to keep the bubbly on ice when my masterspy tells me it's the Austrian charts which we have aquired. They don't have a port, most of the seafaring nations hate them, the only useful information we glean are the locations of strategicaly important Schnitzel bakeries in Vienna. Sometimes the incompetence I have to put up with here is intolerable.

Hanover's Catholic crusade against Hesse is a sham, they turn Protestant at new year. The Palatine, and Sweden follow suit. We don't have a spare diplomat to send to Palatine, so we have to hope that they remain free agents until I can dispatch one.

I have been called many things, but lecherous maggot was a new one, that ephithet was directed at me by Ambassador Klinsman, when I politely inquired whether the Palatines wouldn't mind coming back to our alliance. Oh well, just a temporary set back. On June 1st 1527 England makes the break with Rome. King Henry is now head of the church, and in fact he just awarded himself a whole bunch of titles. Formally, Hal is known as His Brittanic Majesty, King of England, Ireland and France, Protector of The Faith. We crush a small number of revolts, and prepare for the Catholic world, and in particular the French world to attack us. The change is mysteriously peaceful. Perhaps Europe is too war weary to start another round of chaos. The Scots excitedly invite us back into the alliance, so our security is quite good, and that appears to be that. We keep all the money collected from church seizures in the treasury in case we need to raise troops in a hurry, but time passes by with no adverse affects.

Henry marries Anne, granting himself a divorce from Catherine, and he sets to work on creating an heir. I find a new generation of lazy royal cousins and marry them off to Sweden, Hesse, The Palatine, and The Hanseatic League, pretty much anyone that will have us. The Earl Of Suffolk's son win's the marriage sweepstakes when he draws Sweden out of the hat and marries Inge of Malmo. We're not sure how Royal she is, but her beauty makes the rest of us extremely jealous. That smug bugger claims he will do his duty for King and country. A couple of thousand miles away 'Marching' Carlisle continues his astounding series of discoveries. He reaches Alaska, we celebrate in London around a nice warm fire, wondering how the explorers are faring in their cave.

I have dinner with Klinsman and Beckanbauer, and they make apologies for their previous burst of insults. I graciously accept, and we make plans to form a new alliance in the future. I bid them goodnight, but not before introducing them to Lord Tourette. His refreshing candor should be just what they need. Another boatload of settlers departed for America, the lure of the gold in Monterrey was too much. 1529 will be known as the year of revolutions, as all over Europe provinces are in flames. Rebels from Spanish occupied Lyonnaise march on Franche Comte and slaughter the garrison there. Caux is in flames too. As predicted Thuringen ceedes from Austria. The poor choice of provinces Princes choose in their peace negotioations is coming back to haunt them. In Venice there seem to be a brand of super-rebel who have resisted everything sent at them so far. Worse, the revolt has spread to Emilia.

The Austrians claim rights of passage through the Holy Roman Empire and crush Thuringen independence. Maybe they'll leave enough troops there to hold the place this time. In France the rebels have a much better time of it. As Paris has not been besieged for a couple of years life must be too mundane there so the French rebels from Caux decide to besiege their own capital. When Ile De France falls a few months later the rebels become the ninth army to capture the city. I wonder if at any time during the last 30 years some French bureacrat has had the idea to maybe strengthen the walls there. It's moot point now, as King Francoise has to flee Paris and set up shop somewhere else. In November 1530 Poland declares war on the solitary Hanseatic League. We're rooting for Hansa, but when reports of 132,0000 Poles crossing the borders falls on my desk, the talk turns not to whether Hansa can win the war, but how many provinces they will lose. At year's end Scotland decides its time to be the third man in a gang tackle as King James declares war on The Hanseatic League. After 38 years of friendship we have to wave bye-bye to the Scots and drop out of the alliance. Knowing their previous performance in wars we wonder if a Scotish pikeman will ever be shipped to Germany, my guess is no. A month later we are invited back into the Scottish alliance, but just as I am placing the Treaty Instrument in the hands of a courier we get a request from Hesse to join their alliance. We mull the options carefully, and while I don't like the idea of Scotland allying with the wrong power, the 60,000 Spanish troops in Caux prompt us to sign with the Germans. The block of Palatine, Hesse and Kleeves can be of immediate assistance should the Spanish decide to flex their muscle. The alliance is a temporary situation, as soon as it expires we plan to be putting our own group together.

The Poles win an easy victory at the Battle of Straslund. Their huge army meets just 11,000 Hanseatic mercenaries. You'd think being one of the richest nations in Europe that they would plough some of that money into defense, but no. The Poles run through the North German coastline like a bad curry, and when the dust has settled Hansa ceedes both Western and Eastern Pommerania to the Poles. Russia declares yet another war on Kazan, and this time we decide to offer a Royal marrage to Russia just to take a peek at their conflict. The Muscovites have had a rough time of it, they possess only only 5 provinces, while the Polish monster to the south has expanded up and down the Baltic. We assume that the famed Russian infantry is off in Kazan somewhere, as only their Swedish allies are moving troops across the frozen north. Our summer residence in Burgogne is a lot more pleasant these days since we sponsored a new winery. While relaxing one afternoon, a courier arrives from the King announcing that Anne is pregnant. I feel a tinge of sympathy for the Queen, as unless I'm very wrong that's Elizabeth inside her, and Hal is going to snap when he walks into the delivery room.

PART 3

In the Americas we control the eastern seaboard from Connecticut to Roanoake, and we have placed colonies in the wine rich Sacremento, and golden Monterrey. The change to Protestantism has sparked off a consistent number of settlers. When we scrape them all together we can found one colony a year. Currently we are shipping boatloads over to Roanoake to expand the colony as soon as possible. The unstoppable General Carlisle is still walking, he discovers where Spain get's it's wealth from in the Americas, I decide to send him back across the country to do some charting of the SE seaboard.

As I feared, Princess Elizabeth is born, and Anne's lustre has dimmed somewhat in our monarch's eyes. Though Henry is an unusualy good father, he's an awful husband, and the think-tank is convened to find a solution to marriage number two. A quiet summer in France is only disturbed by the news that Russia pays Kazan 42 roubles for peace. Perhaps they will get the message and try fighting in another direction?

I'm sitting at my desk one cold and dreary November afternoon when Cardinal Cantona requests an audience. He walks in with a sheepish look on his face and hands me the French declaration of war. Mad Franky has done it again, so we brace for attack. Of our allies, only Palatine can come to our aid, and those provinces are poorly defended. I fear the Savoyan army more than the French, but I don't expect to see the armies of Georgia, Naples or Poland involved. I decide to send our siege force west to deal with the three lightly armed provinces in the Brittany peninsular, while Brandon's mobile force will sit in Orleans, and hit any force trying to cross the Loire, or walk into Burgogne. Paris is still controlled by rebels, so we'll only take that as a last resort.

It takes until December to issue the marching orders, Waller's siege force is sent west to Armour, whilst the French and Savoyan army move on Auvergne. Acting on their natural German attraction to Paris, the small Palatine army stationed in France head there. Some Frech activists in Burgogne start a revolt and take over the city and it’s defenses. Usualy I’d order some cannons and prison ships made available, but if the French decide to attack the city they’l do our work for us. I order 80 guns to be added to a reserve force sitting in Normandy, having two siege armies should speed up the war. Auvergne's walls are weakening by February, so I order Brandon to Berri, and then to relieve the city. Our rebels in Bourgogne are cut to pieces by the Palatine army on route to Paris. In April, we receive good and bad news at our Orleans headquaters, Armour has fallen, and Exeter is on his way to Moribun, however, Brandon arrives in Auvergne at precisely the wrong moment, just at the French siege force is being reinforced by another army. The 1v4 odds don't deter Brandon who engages, but soon sees the folly of his attack, and retreats to Berri. After picking up the rearguard in Berri, Brandon recrosses the Loire and returns to base at Orleans. The French meanwhile have sent a 60k siege force to Bourgogne.

By September, the Palatine forces say Auf Wiedesein to Paris, marking the tenth capture of the French capital. Our allies get the contents of France's treasury in the peace agreement. When Moribun falls Exeter is ordered to Berri, while our second siege army heads to Bretagne. Exeter drives off a couple of French detachments and sets about reducing the walls of the fortress. Brandon times his relief of Bourgogne a little better, and defeats a French army outnumbering him 3 to 1. The surviors flee to Berri, where Exeter's men gleefully send them on their way again. With their field army destroyed France offers Armour and Moribun, we don't want those provinces, not enough money and too many long term problems, so we decide to wait until January to demand cold hard cash.

I put the finishing touches to a victory parade scheduled for January 2nd, when to my horror the French refuse our modest request. We hold three provinces, we've destroyed their army but they won't stump up the 500 crowns we demand. Exeter finished off Berri's walls, and as the city falls the French offer it in the latest round of peace talks. The Treaty Of Mainz is signed in May, ceeding yet another French province to us. Privately, I warn Cantona, that if his King attacks again, I will not rest until France is removed from the map. Although much of the wine has been drunk in the intervening months, we at long last have our victory celebration. Exeter is abscent, he has to quash the Burgogne uprising, but we toast him fondly. We also toast Carlisle, who is on his return leg across America. I receive some bad news later that evening when Cromwell informs me that Anne Boleyn is dead. Cromwell's timing is as awful, as I was indulged in discussions with a lady-in-waiting from Hesse at the time. It turns out, that while I have been immersed in the logistical problems of moving cannon around the North West of France, Wolsley has been running things in London. He trumped up some charges of treason and had her head cut off. I see now that Catherine got off easily. I take my leave and ride to the channel to see what the hell has been going on at home.

I have been away in France too long, when I meet Henry again, he's put on 40 pounds, and is in a constant state of inebriation. He's entered his 'fat Elvis' period and looks nothing like the young athlete I once knew. Bad news is waiting for me when I get to Wolsley's office, our settlement in Connecticut has been wiped out by indians. I dispatch the Cornwall garrison to America to ensure that we have no more of these little disasters. Apparantley our new Queen is Jane Seymour, wasting the biggest trump card in the Royal marriage stakes we have, the former Cardinal has paired Henry off with a Division 2 English noble. I decide that my luxurious days in Orleans are over, and that to get a grip back on the kingdom the administration must be moved back to London. At years end Brandenburg and Kleeves become Protestant, hmm that gives me an idea to dispose of the Kings's other minister.

In 1537 Denmark joins the growing number of Protestant states. With a strong Austria, I wonder if the scene will be set for the 30 years war which is looming a few decades away. In September, the new French Ambassador, Lord Zidane sheepishly knocks on my door. When I see who it is, I cry out 'Not again!' but alas, yes once again King Francoise the Certifiably Insane of France, who has already ceeded 10 French provinces during his inglorious reign has declared war again. Just as I am about to rush out the door, Zidane tells me that the target this time is Spain. It appears that Spain is without an ally, and although the French foreign ministry tried their best to conceal this fact, the King found out and declared war before anyone could shoot him. We have a limited view from our spies, we note that Spainish troops are already in Paris, and we graciously allow the French government to flee across our territory to their Western provinces. The Savoyans assault and capture Lyonnaise, all I can say is that they must make some sauce there. That is the most contested province in Europe. Who wants to attack a more profitable location, when you can watch your army starve to death in Lyon?

At year's end, Carlisle arrives back in Roanoke after 15 years in the wilderness. The 3000 man expedition is down to a straggle of 285 refugees. Reading the colonial govenor's letter I get the impression that all those years of exploring have taken their toll on high standards of European etiquette the noble General once possessed. The sight of the survivors foraging for supplies in downtown Jamestown prompted the Governor to inquire when I might be sending the good General on his way again. The most shocking news is from Hamburg, where the Hansa have stumped up 145 marks to make peace with the Scots. Apparantly our highland friends finally got their feet wet and landed troops in Mecklenburg. After 40 years I'm surprised their men know which end of the arquebois to point at the enemy.

By early 1538 the Franco-Spanish war is almost over. Savoy assaults and captures Franche-Compte, but their two successes are wasted when the French capitulate in July with France paying a grand total of 14 francs to Spain. Historicaly, Francoise was one of the less aggressive French Kings, I shiver at the thought of what will happen when La Roi De Soleil arrives there in a hundred years. Noticing the ferocity and success with which Savoy have fought these last 40 years I broach the subject with their foreign representative, and inquire as to whether they ever gave a thought to switching horses, perhaps allying with a more stable nation. 'We would, but never with heretical English scum such as yourself,' was the rather too honest reply. It's a shame, the leadership of Savoy must be the most talented in Europe to have survived and prospered even while being dragged into countless wars by their suicidal allies. I resisit the temptation to wave at King Francoise's procession as they make their way across Orleans and back to Paris, I don't want to start another war.