By Any Other Name (Cont'd)
January 1462
(SCENE: The Great Hall of Edinburgh Castle. JAMES II of Scotland and his nobles are gathered on one side of a grand table whilst YORK et al are on the other side)
JAMES (to YORK): We concede defeat, Lord York. What with half my men struck down with the tremors from lack of whiskey (looks evilly at FLUX) and the others incapacitated by unnatural mutilations of their genitals (looks evilly at NICK), we can resist no more. But know this. You may take our lands, you make take our sheep. But you will NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM.
(NICK struggles to restrain FLUX whilst everyone cringes before her blonde fury)
YORK (composing himself): Don’t want it.
JAMES (quizzically): What?
YORK: I don’t want your land or your sheep. Or your freedom.
GEORGE: So we fought the war for nothing?
YORK: If I take so much as one acre of Scottish land, I will have to give the same to the Portuguese as reward for honouring our alliance, even though I did not call for their support. Otherwise, I risk alienating England’s only ally. And the last thing I want is a foreign power with a foothold in these Isles. Worse still, if England takes the land, all we will earn is endless revolts from cantankerous Scots. I have more than enough rebels in England to deal with without adding to my concerns.
GEORGE: But what of your promise to Lord Percy in Durham?
HASTINGS: News has just arrived that Lord Percy died storming the walls at Dundee last week. He was too anxious to grab the city before the peace was finalised.
YORK: In any event, I will honour my promise. Lord Percy shall have all the soil that he took from the Scots. All 6 feet of it.
JAMES (perking up): Then it’s a white peace? Well, it’s been a tough fight but I’m willing to let bygones be…
YORK: No, I not quite that generous. England needs a long peace so that I can finish my work. That means a peace with no distractions from the North. I want a peace based on your friendship. A very special, very close friendship that I like to call vassalage. You keep your lands, and titles and internal governance, in return for a small annual contribution and a promise not to make war without England’s approval.
JAMES: I have no problem with the war part. The only people we fight are the English anyway and it will be years before we would be in any fit state to do that again. But I may have a wee problem with the money. You see, whiskey exports are our biggest earner and yon lass has drained the better part of our income for the next 2 years. So money is going to be a little tight. In fact, what with the cost of purchasing bandages and ointments for the hundreds of damaged willys, I could use a little gold myself. Asking as a loyal vassal, of course.
YORK: I see. (pauses) Very well. As a gesture of good faith, I will arrange for 100,000 pounds to be sent from London upon my return.
GEORGE: Father, this is outrageous. Not only are we not making any money from this expedition but you are pledging our credit when the treasury is bare.
YORK: The treasury is not as empty as you imagine, George. Providentially, I recently instructed Lord Warwick to negotiate the sale of Calais to the highest bidder. Apparently 1 January is the best time of year to sell real estate, and Lord Warwick reports that he was able to extract 150,000 pounds from the French.
GEORGE: But we lost Calais, father.
YORK: George, we lose Calais whenever France or Burgundy get the itch to declare war. It costs more money to recover it than we ever make from taxes. Besides, it removes the casus belli with France, a further guarantee of peace and quiet. And now we have the funds to purchase the goodwill of our new best friend forever.
JAMES: Come, let us have a feast to celebrate our new friendship.
(general cheers all round)
(SCENE: Feast in the Great Hall. There is riotous music, dancing, drinking and eating. The women are gathered around a fatigued NICK as HASTINGS and EDWARD pick off the stragglers at the edges)
JAMES (sighing to himself): That man will be the ruin of us all.
FLUX (sidling up to JAMES): It’s just a fad. Pretty soon all the uncut men will be the new sexy because they’ll be different. It’s just like Brazilians.
JAMES: What is a Brazilian?
FLUX: Well, you haven’t found Brazil yet, but it is where… (FLUX whispers in JAMES ear, with his eyes widening)
JAMES: And people from this Brazil are bereft of…? And you?
FLUX: Hell no, sugar. I gave up on that when my lame arse boyfriend didn’t notice the lightning bolt I did for him in my freshman year. No way was I going to waste all that time and go through all that pain again. Besides, I like it here, all the girls go au naturel, even the armpits. I fell right at home.
(JAMES looks disappointed)
FLUX: Don’t worry, honey. It ain’t the wrappin’ that matters, it’s what you do with the present inside. (FLUX eyes off JAMES and bites her lip in thought. She suddenly slips her hand under his kilt) Hmm, good enough. Just hold that... thought for a minute.
(FLUX goes over to NICK, who wearily has his head in his hands as Scottish floosies paw at him)
FLUX: Say, can I have the ring again.
NICK: Yeah, sure. Why?
FLUX (gesturing back at JAMES): I need the +5 sexterity.
NICK: Flux, what are you doing? You can’t race off a king like that?
FLUX: Look, I’ve had so much water of life lately, that if I don’t have a sietch tau orgy soon, I’m going to explode. ‘Sides, I ain’t had nothin’ twixt my nethers weren’t made of polished wood for 7 years now.
NICK (putting his hands over his ears): God, I don’t want to hear that.
EDWARD (interjecting): I could stand to hear a bit more.
FLUX: Nnn, nnn, honey. (coquettishly waves goodbye to NICK)
(to JAMES) Come on, darlin’. (FLUX takes JAMES’ hand and leads him away)
There can be only one!
(So chop his damn head off already – No, wait, maybe not this time)
(Next morning, in the Royal bedroom)
JAMES: You were magnificent.
FLUX: I know, sugar. You were pretty good yourself in a Ewen McGregor kinda way.
JAMES: That thing you did with your finger…
FLUX: We can work our way up to the whole fist next time, if you like. (alarmed look on JAMES’ face) Don’t worry, honey. It doesn’t make you any less a man. Now, I’m starvin’. What’s for breakfast?
JAMES: What would you like?
FLUX: I don’t know. You’re Scottish. Fry something.
(Later, in the Great Hall)
JAMES: My Lord York, Scotland is forever in your debt. We gratefully acknowledge vassalage to England and fervently hope that this new bond will be as fruitful and mutually pleasing as the last 2 days have been.
YORK: Well, I think our work here is done. Now it is time for us to return to London and to finally resolve the issue of the crown. I will be looking for the support of our new Scottish friends in presenting a persuasive argument to Parliament for some regime change.
(A mud splattered COURIER enters)
COURIER: My Lord, an urgent message from London. (hands paper to YORK. YORK’s smile falls from his face)
YORK: It is a message from Warwick. Henry has regained his sanity. Margaret is back. The Regency is ended. Warwick still holds the Tower but is besieged by a rebel force. He has word that Oxford is leading an army north to block our return. And the Tudors have risen in Wales in support of the Lancastrians.
(everyone is silenced by the news)
EDWARD: We must seize the initiative, father. We hold the better hand in this game. With the largest and most professional army in these Isles at our disposal, we can still retrieve the situation. And more, we can finally bring the question of the crown to a head.
YORK: We must march on London immediately to relieve Warwick as soon as possible. But we cannot leave to the Tudors alone, otherwise it will take years to chase them up and down the valleys of Wales. Edward, you are to take 5,000 men and head to Manchester. Hasting’s connections in Cumbria and the Marches should allow you to build a large enough force to march on Cardiff and put down the Tudors. I will take the main army and head south, collecting as many of our followers as possible in York. Once Wales is suppressed, come to me at Cambridge and we will march together to London. And remember, at all times, we must act quickly. Boldness will make up for our lack of numbers. Edmund will come with me for insurance. You take George and Richard, and keep them safe at all cost. The York bloodline must be preserved. Now, God’s speed and protection be to us all.
(SCENE: The English Welsh border, at night. EDWARD, GEORGE, RICHARD, NICK and FLUX stand quietly beside their mounts, listening attentively. HASTINGS approaches the group from out of the shadows)
HASTINGS: It is as my sources reported, my Lord. Locals showed me the Tudors’ camp about three miles ahead. They mean to ambush us in the valley. And they look to have about 10,000 men.
EDWARD: That is almost half again as many as our men.
GEORGE: It’s a trap!
(FLUX round houses GEORGE. Everyone pats her on the back in thanks)
EDWARD: We can’t march around them, and if we turn and run now, we’ll probably lose most of the men in the pursuit. Well, there is nothing for it but to try our luck in battle tomorrow. Sir William, have the men bed down for the night in their lines of battle. I will take the right with you. George, you take the centre and Doctor, you and Flux take the left with Richard.
GEORGE: But Richard is just a boy.
EDWARD: Tomorrow, everyone fights. (hands RICHARD a short sword) We must all be men. (turning to Flux) Present company excepted, of course.
FLUX: Of course.
YORK: Now go and rest. We will need all of our strength to make sure tomorrow is not our last day.
(Early morning, dawn. EDWARD et al gather for a final meeting before the battle as the men stir and ready themselves. Suddenly there is a commotion, with shouts of alarm and men running around wildly)
GEORGE: Are we under attack?
PASSING SOLDIER (running away in panic): The sun is sundered in twain.
(Everyone suddenly looks to the east)
NICK: That’s not twain. There’s three of them. More like thrain.
GEORGE: Tis an omen. An evil foreboding. We are doomed to die in battle today. We must run, run. Run for your lives…
(Thwack)
NICK: I didn’t hear a meme.
FLUX (shrugs): I know.
NICK: It can’t be an omen. The sun is the sun, it has nothing to do with the battle.
GEORGE (picking himself up off the ground): It is a sign from God.
NICK: Which is shining on both sides equally.
RICHARD: No, it is an omen!
FLUX: Not you too, Richard?!?
RICHARD: It is an omen but an omen of good fortune. Don’t you see? It is a sign that the three sons of York will triumph today. Look! Look! Now the three pieces come together as one! We must give thanks to God immediately, on bended knee for His promise to vouchsafe our victory.
(Men stop running and start kneeling. EDWARD puts a grateful hand on RICHARD’S shoulder. RICHARD grins back at his brother)
EDWARD: Come men, be of joyful heart and give thanks that you will fight this day at the Cross of Mortimer with the chosen three - Edward, George and Richard.
FLUX (whispers to NICK): You know it is just an optical illusion as the light passes through ice crystals in the upper atmosphere.
NICK (whispers back): Even if we had the time to explain the principles of refraction we should just go with the moment for once.
(SCENE: EDWARD, HASTINGS, GEORGE, RICHARD, NICK and FLUX gathered in their armour or scanty loincloths, depending on the person)
EDWARD: The Tudors will have seen our battle lines by now and will know that they will have to take us here. Sir William and I will strike with the right as the enemy starts to form up their line from the road. Hopefully, they will be so tightly packed together that the advantage of their numbers will be negated. I need you to then bring the Centre forward, George, to seal off the Tudors and stop them from deploying a line which may overlap my flank. You must follow my attack swiftly or my men will tire and we will be pushed back. Speed is the key. (GEORGE nods solemnly)
RICHARD: And the left?
EDWARD: You are to hold back and wait to see how the battle progresses. If all goes well, your men will be fresh for the pursuit. If all does not go well, you will form the rearguard to cover the retreat and save as many as you can. But I want you to stay out of harm’s way until then. I don’t want to needlessly risk your life. (to GEORGE and RICHARD) And if the battle turns against us, both of you must do everything to save yourselves. At least one of the brothers must survive to keep the York faction alive.
(The brothers hug and the group breaks up. Everyone geso to their posts.)
(SCENE: The left wing of the Yorkist army. RICHARD, NICK and FLUX mounted and in battle array)
FLUX: Here they come.
NICK: The Tudors have taken the bait and are pushing on Edward’s men. (turns to RICHARD) Richard, it’s going to get a little hairy soon. I want you to stay behind me and stay out of trouble. If the worst happens, remember what Edward said. Just run. Flux and I will hold them as long as we can. There is no shame in living.
(RICHARD, NICK and FLUX watch on as the battle unfolds)
RICHARD: Edward is charging. The Welsh are being pushed back. Now for George’s attack. (after a few moments) Where’s George?
NICK: What is he doing? They’re pulling back.
SOLDIER (behind NICK): The Centre gives way!!!
(generally murmuring of consternation from the troops)
RICHARD: But Edward will be cut off! George must go forward now or it will be too late!
SOLDIER: The battle is lost! Flee, flee!
NICK: Richard, run! Flux and I will set up the rearguard…
RICHARD: Bugger that! I won’t leave my brother to be carved up by Lancastrian swords! (draws his short sword) For Edward, England and St George!!!
(RICHARD spurs his horse forward)
NICK: Bloody Hell!!! (spurs his horse after RICHARD)
LEEERRROOOYYY JEEENNNKKKIIINNSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(FLUX also charges forward in paroxysm of fury. The rest of the left wing follows with a roar)
(SCENE: EDWARD and HASTINGS stand back to back, badly bloodied and fatigued, with a dwindling number of Yorkist troops as Lancastrians press in from all sides. They swing their swords furiously, parrying blows)
HASTINGS: Well, I guess this is it, Ed. It’s been a pleasure working with you.
EDWARD: Come on, Will. We’re not done yet.
HASTINGS: Not yet. (chops down another attacker) But soon. I just wanted you to know that, well, that it has been an honour to raise you over all these years. And even though I thought we would have ended our days in a slightly less bloody way, I’m happy that at least I will be here with you at the end
EDWARD: I would have asked my father to make you a Lord if we had won, Will. You have been closer to me than my father ever was. (slashing furiously) I have always held you in the deepest and abiding…
(EDWARD’s blind swing is blocked by a katana)
FLUX: Oh for God’s sake, why don’t you two just get a room.
RICHARD: Edward!!!
(RICHARD rushes forward and hugs his brother)
(EDWARD stops and suddenly notices that the Welsh are fleeing)
EDWARD: Didn’t I send you to the left wing?
NICK: Yeah, well, after we chopped through their right and centre, we had nothing left to do so we thought we might drop over to see if you needed a hand.
(GEORGE arrives)
GEORGE (triumphantly): Well met, brothers. The day is ours! I have sent my men to round up the rebel scum.
HASTINGS: Congratulations, my Lord Edward. Your first victory in the field!
(The Yorkist troop cheer)
(Enter a badly bloodied Yorkist HORSEMAN , his horse foaming at the mouth)
HORSEMAN (in exhaustion): My Lord Edward. I bring, I bring dire tidings. From Tewkesbury. Your father… is dead, slain in battle. Your brother Edmund was taken prisoner and... has been executed by the Prince of Wales in person. The army is scattered. Many Yorkist nobles have been slain. The Lancastrians hold London and have issued writs of attainder against you and your brothers.
(everyone goes quiet in shock)
GEORGE: We are the rebels now. We must flee to Scotland. Or France. Anywhere to escape this foul fate. All is lost for us in England.
RICHARD: Not all. We still have our wits and our limbs. And this good army of loyal men. With everything stripped from us, we have everything to gain. (turns to EDWARD) Including a crown. Edward, you must do what our father hesitated to achieve. Be bold, seize the title which you were most assuredly born to wear. For comparing man to man who could not say that majesty rests better upon your broad shoulders than upon the pitiful shell that is Henry. Or his miscreant son who has our family’s blood on his hands. Revenge Edmund and father. Become King!
(turns to the troops)
Hail Edward! Hail Edward, King of England!
(The troops cheer in approbation. EDWARD steps forward confidently and the cry of “King Edward” goes up. NICK looks at FLUX quizzically)
FLUX: Hail to the king, baby.
Falalalan, falalalera……..
Closing Credits
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“Come see me again some time, darlin”
