Love(craft) Day (cont'd)
[General uproar in the chamber. SOMERSET is helped to his feet by the other Regents. He wipes blood from his nose]
FLUX: I’m so, so sorry.
SOMERSET: Who is this person?
NICK: Bob.
FLUX: Flux.
TALBOT: Oh God! We’re not doing that routine again. My apologies, Lord Somerset. This is Bob Flux, the manservant (off a look from FLUX) companion of my physician.
NICK: It’s not her.. his fault.
SOMERSET: He struck me in the face with his foot. How is that not his fault?
NICK: Well, it’s a long story.
FLUX: They hypnotised me.
NICK: Which apparently isn’t that long. (off bemused looks by everyone except FLUX who is looking particularly peeved) You see, a while back we were at a bar, Flux was mouthing off, as usual (FLUX looks more peeved) and anyway, we had a few too many bottles of Wild Turkey when…
(Scooby Doo cut scene - to a bar with FLUX, NICK and 2 other guys)
Modprod offered to hypnotise Flux and whilst she was under, we were joking about the trigger. The F*ck Off Kid suggested internet memes because Flux was always looking for the latest fad, but before we could agree on the response, the F*ck Off Kid was still rambling on about memes and said “Chuck Norris”. Flux then woke up.
(Back to the chamber)
NICK: So every time she hears a meme, she turns into Chuck Norris.
FLUX: That was such a stupid thing to do.
NICK: Tell me about it, I so wanted them to get you to flash your tits. (whack from FLUX) Anyway, Lord Somerset said the meme, so she did the roundhouse.
SOMERSET: But all I said was THIS IS..
(NICK ducks as FLUX knocks SOMERSET down again)
SOMERSET: Guards, seize her!!!
NICK: Quick, Flux! LOLCATS!
(FLUX knocks 3 guards flying)
NICK: O RLY!
(Flux knocks down 3 more guards)
NICK: ALL YOUR BASES…
High Pitched Yell: ORDER!!! ORDER!!! I DEMAND ORDER!!!
(Everyone looks at MARGARET who looks bemused and points to MORTON)
MORTON (gathering himself): There will be order in this chamber!
SOMERSET: In the name of the Regents, arrest that man.
(FLUX tenses up for another onslaught)
WARWICK (stepping forward): Halt guards!
SOMERSET: By what authority do you overrule my command?!?
WARWICK: By authority of the 3rd Act of the Parliament of the 2nd year of our good king Henry II. No member of Parliament or their retainer may be arrested, seized or attainted whilst Parliament is in session or for 1 week afore or after said session save for a capital offence. You have no power to seize anyone in this chamber.
SOMERSET: But he struck me! Twice!
WARWICK: Which is no capital offence.
SOMERSET: Shall I have no redress?
MORTON: The Act, my Lord, restrains the Crown but does not prevent the private right to trial by combat.
(knowing glances exchanged between WARWICK and MORTON)
But Mr Flux is not a noble or knight so an opponent would have to be found to stand in his place. Should your lordship wish to pursue such a recourse.
SOMERSET: Well, he belongs to Lord York’s faction. He can stand vicariously liable for his servant’s misdeeds.
MORTON: Normally that would be the case, my lord but...
SOMERSET: What now?
WARWICK: By the 4th Act of the Parliament of the 17th year of our present sovereign, Henry VI, Lord York and yourself are expressly injuncted from drawing weapons or directly or indirectly causing harm to the persons of each other upon pain of death and forfeiture of property of the aggressor.
MORTON: But the injunction does not apply to other members of Lord York’s faction.
(WARWICK nods knowingly again to MORTON)
Voice at the back of the chamber: Let me answer the challenge then, father!
YORK: Edward! No! He will kill you.
SOMERSET (facing YORK): Come, come, my Lord. Have some faith in your offspring. The Earl of March must grow up sometime.
(turns around to see EDWARD, a 6 foot 4 inches 18 year old, with handsome features and a broad chest striding forth)
But not today.
(has an epiphany)
I have a better solution.
(SOMERSET whips his sword out to the surprise of all and points it at FLUX)
I dub thee, Sir Bob.
FLUX: Flux.
SOMERSET: of Flux. Arise. And face your trial.
MORTON: The trial must be held not earlier than 7 days hence under the Act.
SOMERSET: Very well, let it take place on Michaelmas morn at St Albans. Then we can put this unpleasantness behind us and after your death, enter in brotherly love to the Love Day. Now, what weopon do you choose for the trial - lance, mace or sword?
FLUX: Swhat?
[SCENE: Courtyard at TALBOT’s estate. TALBOT and FLUX are in chainmail and armed with 2 handed swords. NICK watches on.
FLUX charges awkwardly and trips over her mail shirt]
TALBOT: The armour belonged to my son. I’m sorry that I did not have anything more your size. Here. Try this stance instead – it is called the Hawke Guard.
(FLUX tries to imitate TALBOT by raising her sword above her head, but overbalances and falls backward)
FLUX: I’m sorry, honey, This just ain’t my style.
(has an epiphany)
But I know what is. Take me to the blacksmith.
[SCENE: NICK, FLUX and TALBOT at a Smith’s forge]
FLUX: Okay, now spread wet ash along one side of the blade before the final heating.
SMITH: But my lady, that will…
FLUX: Precisely. Do it.
(MONTAGE of heating and beating before the blade is quenched in a barrel of water.
Ominous tympanies and horns play in the background.
Until FLUX reverentially raises the new sword)
NICK: A katana!?!
FLUX (nodding and grinning): Crom!
Michaelmas, 22 September 1453
St Albans
[SCENE: FLUX’s tent. FLUX is getting dressed behind a screen as NICK paces anxiously in the foreground]
NICK: Are sure about going ahead with this? It’s not too late to back out.
FLUX: Yes it is.
NICK: I know, but they always say it in the movies. Besides there has to be another way.
FLUX: Relax, sugar. It’s fine.
(FLUX emerges from behind the screen with red hair and little else)
A preliminary sketch taken by Paolo Uccello shortly before the fight
NICK: What are you doing? Why are you going clothy? Even rogues wear leather armour.
FLUX: I was thinking of going with the Red Sonja look (points to hair) but chain mail bikinis really chafe the lady bits. Besides, no amount of armour is going to save me if he catches me. I need speed.
NICK: I hope you know what you are doing. This isn’t like you kicking my arse in kendo.
FLUX: Don’t worry. I’m Fedaykin. I’ll just use my weirding ways.
NICK (reluctantly): Anyway, here, take this. (NICK hands over a gold ring) I always put it on before a session. It gives +5 dexterity and +2 THAC0.
FLUX (incredulously): Really?
NICK: That’s what the DM told me.
[SCENE: Jousting field with a large crowd in bleachers on 3 sides. HENRY VI (drooling), MARAGARET and the Regents sit in a large stand on the 4th side.
SOMERSET enters in full armour and sword, with red roses on his livery. FLUX enters in a dressing gown with a large white rose, shadowing boxing. NICK and TALBOT follow her.]
MORTON: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this morning's tournament, a trial by combat. In the red corner, the 2nd Duke of Somerset, Lieutenant General of France, Regent and favourite of her majesty, the victor of 10 single combats, the Somerset Smasher, Edmund Beaufort.
(General cheering. MARGARET hands down a white scarf to an attendant who takes it to SOMERSET. He ties it around his right arm. There is more cheering and MARGARET looks very pleased with herself)
MORTON: And in the white corner, for the glory of the House of York, the newly ennobled and inappropriately attired, the Georgia Peach, Sir Bob.
FLUX: Flux.
MORTON: Of Flux.
(General sound of crickets with sporadic clapping)
(MORTON motions FLUX and SOMERSET to step forward and meet in the middle)
MORTON: Now the first rule of fight club..
(FLUX starts to tense up menancingly)
MORTON: Um, we might skip the rules this time. Now gentleman, stay within the square. The fight will continue until 1 or both are dead or there is a submission. Now go to your corners and may God judge the righteous cause.
SOMERSET: You will know fear, fear in the face of certain death.
FLUX: I will not allow you to lecture me on fear. May your blade chip and shatter.
(They part and go to their corners. SOMERSET kneels before a priest who gives a blessing)
FLUX (kneels and prayers to self): Cthulu, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. And also because you are a fictitious deity created a guy with some serious gender and racial issue. Anyway, no one, not even you, will remember if we were good or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that I stood against insanity. That's what's important! Madness pleases you... so grant me one request. Grant me not to get cut up into tiny pieces! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!
MORTON: Lets get ready to rrruuummmbbbllleee!
(SOMERSET strides forward confidently. FLUX gingerly puts her sword up on guard. SOMERSET swings a few times with FLUX moving out of the way ungainly.
SOMERSET manoeuvres FLUX into a tight position. They clash swords)
SOMERSET: You fool! You cannot defeat me! The Queen’s astrologer has foretold that no man shall kill me.
FLUX: No man, huh? Then check out these babies!
(FLUX lifts her top. SOMERSET gives a bemused look and shrugs)
FLUX (insistently): They’re breasts.
SOMERSET (equally insistently): No they’re not.
FLUX: Have you never seen a woman’s breasts before?
SOMERSET: I most certainly have, and I remember them being considerably larger than that. Look, you wouldn’t be the first boy who tried to get me to hand over 5 shillings by pretending they were a girl until we got into the alleyway and I felt their… ah, forget I said that.
FLUX: Damn IBT’s. All right, how about this?
(FLUX lifts her loin clothe)
SOMERSET (in slight surprise and acknowledgment): Oh, right then.
(FLUX charges but SOMERSET parries and they fight on.
SOMERSET advances again, raining blows down on FLUX who desperately parries them. SOMERSET is getting hot. He removes his helm and pushes back the mail cowl.)
SOMERSET: Enough running. It ends now!
(SOMERSET lands three blows in quick succession and finishes off with a pommel strike to FLUX’s head. Flux is knocked to the ground and is concussed. SOMERSET stands over her, raising his sword for the final blow. FLUX instinctively raises her hand. The sun catches NICK’s ring and the glare blinds SOMERSET. A vision of NICK appears before the dazed FLUX and extends a hand to help her up)
Vision NICK (in an unappealing chain mail bikini): Do you want to live forever?
(FLUX stands up with a determined look)
Real NICK (from the corner): Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!!!
(FLUX launches a flurry of blows on SOMERSET who is forced backwards.
SOMERSET finally trips and falls backwards. FLUX kicks his sword away and puts the tip of her katana to SOMERSET”s throat)
FLUX: I guess this is pretty humiliating. Having to lie there whilst the better man..
SOMERSET: You’re not a man.
FLUX: Huh, shen me? Don’t interrupt! I was having a Captain Tight Pants moment. Ta ma de! Where was I?
SOMERSET: Being a man.
FLUX: Right, thanks. I guess it is pretty humiliating having to lie there whilst the better… person refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great person. (suddenly stabs SOMERSET in the leg) I guess I’m just a good one. (suddenly stabs SOMERSET again in the other leg) Well, I’m alright.
(FLUX walks away. NICK and TALBOT come over to to FLUX as attendants rush to SOMERSET)
TALBOT: You must kill him. Honour demands it.
FLUX (walking past TALBOT, tiredly): I don’t kill for honour.
(Sudden commotion behind FLUX. There screams as SOMERSET struggles to his feet and grabs his sword. He charges at FLUX)
SOMERSET: Die you, bi…
(FLUX does a lightning fast spin. Shenk. The sound of something like a soggy football is heard off screen as the headless trunk of SOMERSET runs past FLUX)
FLUX: I also don’t give second chances.
A brief sketch of Flux by Piero Della Francesca at the climax of the fight
[SCENE: FLUX’s tent – There is the noise of fighting in the distance. FLUX is seated, head in hands, sobbing slightly. NICK enters]
NICK (initially jovially): Nice natural 20 back there.
(NICK sees FLUX sobbing and goes to comfort her. They hear the fighting eventually stop. WARWICK enters the tent)
WARWICK: Well, well. Life is always full of little surprises. Well done, my dear for helping to narrow my options. Not the result I was expecting. But not without its benefits too. The Queen’s party is on the run, more than a few of the Regency seats have become vacant through decapitation, and I get the chance to cement my worth to Lord York at no expense to myself. Yes, all round a very good day’s work.
(YORK and TALBOT enter)
YORK: The Lancastrians flee, or at least those whom our swords cannot reach. The sheep of Somerset will shall know true fear.
WARWICK: The day is yours. (bowing obsequiously to YORK) And the government too, my Lord. For in their haste, our erstwhile Love Day brothers forgot a most important piece of the chess board. Which I now happily render unto you as a token of my loyalty to your cause. And as a fellow regent.
(WARWICK takes them to a nearby abbey to reveal his prize)
Henry VI and his newest, bestest buddy, Richard Nevill, Earl of Warwick
Falalalan, falalalera……..
Closing Credits
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“Come see me again some time, darlin”