Indies

[Davout]

That must have been a night to remember!

It was all good. I learnt the Portguese for "pre-op", I made a new friend and she became a model after the surgery.

Oh damn, I promised Giselle I'd never to revel her secret. I suppose it doesn't matter. It's not like anyone reads this anyway.

Ad thanks for filling in the page, Sweboy. Time for the next update.

[Davout]

Love(craft) Day (cont'd)

[SCENE: The Chamber of the house of Lords in the English Parliament, with heraldric shields displayed along the walls. A long table on a dais sits at the head of the hall, with 2 thrones, bearing HENRY VI and MARGARET D’ANJOU, positioned behind the table. HENRY sits quietly, drooling slightly from the right corner of his mouth. MARGARET is in animated conversation with the nobles seated at the head table.

To HENRY’s left sit the 3 court advisers, Richard Talbot, the Lord High Admiral of the Cinque Ports wearing a chain bearing 6 stars around his neck, and 2 artists, Piero Della Francesca and the older Paolo Uccello, each wearing a chain with 4 stars.

The nobles sit in rows around the side of the chamber whilst the aldermen and squires of the Commons sit in the well of the chamber.]

YORK and his cronies relax and discuss their plans shortly before the opening of Parliament

[A Herald strikes the floor thrice with a black rod to call the parliament to order. Silence descends on the chamber as everyone takes their seats.]

SOMERSET (rising from the middle chair of the head table): The Council of the Regents, the House of Lords and the House of the Commons of His Highness, Henry, King of England, Wales and France shall come to order. May all do their duty to their beloved Sovereign that he may with good guidance graciously rule this bless’d realm for the common weal. Long may he reign.

(general silence)

The first bill shall be read. Whereas our Sovereign doth wish his subjects to live in perfect happiness and brotherhood, to set aside petty strife and differences, and to raise the stability of the realm by at least one point to a neutral setting, it is hereby decreed that there shall be convened a Love Day at which there will be much feasting and carousing and general expressions of satisfaction with the government of the kingdom. All shall embrace as friends and hold their neighbour in as high esteem as they hold their king.

(MARGARET wipes some drool from the side of HENRY’s mouth)

Whereof all nobles are invited upon threat of forfeiture of their lands to attend a Feast at St Albans this Michelmas, 10 days hence.

YORK (Loudly from the side of the Hall): And how shall such satisfaction to be paid for?

SOMERSET (self-confidantly): The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Lord Oxford, has discovered a process called Minting. He assures me that we can pay for the expenses of the Love Day, and much more besides, by simply making more coins.

(general murmurings of satisfaction from the aldermen)

NICK (interjecting from behind YORK): But that just creates inflation. (stunned silence from the crowd and a quizzical look from both YORK and SOMERSET) The oversupply of specie will cause the true purchasing value of each unit to be diminished. (still stunned silence) It means it will cost more to buy less.

(general murmurings of disquiet from the aldermen)

SOMERSET: Even better. More money for the merchants.
NICK: Which will be worth less in their hands.

(increasing murmurings of disquiet from the merchants)

FLUX (whispering to NICK): Are you sure about this?
NICK (whispering back): Sure, I dated a girl doing an accountancy major last year. She taught me how to do double entries.
SOMERSET (composing himself over the general murmuring): We might pass to more grave matters. I call forth the Commander of the Royal Army, Lord Shrewsbury, to give an account of his recent campaign in France.

(TALBOT rises from next to NICK and stands before the Regency’s table)

SOMERSET: My Lord Talbot. It gives us great joy to behold you here today, late returned from France. Pray, tell us of your victories and triumphs in defending your King’s lands, for you would surely not have returned so soon unless the task be already accomplished.
TALBOT: My Lord Somerset, and My Lords Regents, I report my success in extricating my army and myself from the certain doom which awaited us in pursuing the fool’s errand we were sent on.
(general murmuring from the squires)
SOMERSET: Right glad we are that the army is safe but what of the royal demesne in France? What provinces did you conquer?
TALBOT: None, my Lord.
(murmuring from the squires)
SOMERSET: Then at least you defended the King’s existing holdings and turn back the French invaders?
TALBOT: I did not, my Lord.
(more murmuring)
SOMERSET: I see. Is this not brave Talbot before me, the man likened as the English Achilles? (turning on TALBOT) Or is this a craven coward, who has assumed the form of Talbot, fleeing at the first sight of his opponents’ spears for fear of shedding his own blood for the glory of his name and his King?
TALBOT: There was no cowardice, my Lord. My men and I fought hard and well for England. Many gave their lives. (staring bitterly at SOMERSET) Including my only son.
(SOMERSET begins to inject but TALBOT continues on)
This expedition was doomed to failure. And I say was always intended to fail, by those high gentlemen who sent too few to fight too many with insufficient supplies.
SOMERSET: Excuses! You had 10,000 men.
TALBOT: When we left Portsmouth. But far fewer after spending months marching through Gascony, as any experienced commander would know. And we faced a French army three times our size.
SOMERSET: Pah, good King Henry faced worse odds at Agincourt.
TALBOT: But I am not Henry. And nor are any of the other gentlemen who sit upon this Council. (ruefully) Henry is log dead, and we are left with madmen to rules us.

(MARGARET wipes some more drool away from HENRY’s mouth)

SOMERSET: Ridiculous. You simply lacked sufficient resolve to see the job through. Now, it will be necessary to take steps to recover the lands immediately>
YORK (interjecting, stepping towards the Regency Table): Why, my Lord?
SOMERSET (somewhat thrown by the comment): What? Did you not hear the tale of your man’s incompetence? Gascony must be returned to England.
YORK: And so it has.
(general murmuring by everyone)
SOMERSET: What?
(YORK produces a parchment with a flourish)
YORK: I have here a treaty from the Lord High Constable of France, Seigneur de Xaintrailles, on behalf of the French King offering a peace status quo ante bellum. All lands and titles previously enjoyed by our King to be returned.
SOMERSET: At what price.
YORK: None.
MARGARET: Ampossible! My oncle would never agree to zis.
YORK: He would and he has. Your uncle, Madam, is served by wiser counsellors than those serving your husband, it would seem.
SOMERSET: But why? They already held the land!
YORK: But not the sea. Thanks to the Lord High Admiral’s destruction of the French fleet, the Lord High Constable knows he cannot force a peace on us, and the war exhaustion from the blockade of the French ports would effect their stability faster than ours. As the Council appeared to be unable to grasp these basic lessons of statesmanship, it fell to me to negotiate these most sensible terms and to lay this deliverance from disaster before the Council for ratification.

(general cheers and chanting of YORK’s name)(SOMERSET, the Council and MARGARET confer)

SOMERSET: No.
YORK: What?
SOMERSET: The decision of the Regency is to reject this offer. We direct that Lord Talbot shall return to France to recover the lost lands by force of arms. Furthermore, he is take up the mission of recovering Normandy.
YORK: You are as big a fool as he is. (gesturing towards HENRY) No, worse. At least he keeps his mouth shut.

(MARGARET wipes more drool away)

SOMERSET (to TALBOT) : And you shall take a more select force this time so that supplies are not an issue. The Regency shall provide you with a list of 299 nobles who will accompany you to France. (turning to YORK) First, on the list being you, my Lord. A French army of 30,000 should be no problem to such a noble force. Every one knows one noble is worth ten mercenaries. It is further decreed that none shall return to England until you shall have succeeded in full, upon pain of death and forfeiture of your chattels and lands to the Crown.
YORK: You would breach the sacred oath of a treaty to shed blood for what is given peacefully?!? This is madness.
SOMERSET: MADNESS? THIS. IS.

(THWACK)

(SOMERSET goes flying across the room)

FLUX: Sorry.

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[canonized]

You nearly couldn't help yourself there XD

Ahh the 100 years war . How nostalgic .

[Davout]

canonized - Its all part of a cunning plan. I would have liked to have a slightly longer entry but when editing, I found this was a logical point to set up a cliff hanger. The concluding act in this episode should be up by Friday.

[aldriq]

Ah, so that was the use of France in those days, so that one English faction could get rid of the other through war... couldn't they just settle it in a game of cricket? It would have taken just as long but at least no sheep would have been raped

Which leads me to my thanks to you for giving me the courage to leave England to the AI once I have finished the current arc. I had always intended Flux and Nick to travel around Europe and parts beyond, as they were always meant to be independant (ie indies) of any one nation's ambitions. But I have grown to love building up the English, and I didn't want to let go. However, after following your Mama Mia AAR, I feel confident enough to let the AI to care for my baby whilst my hero(ine)s do their thing.

I think the AI is relatively reliable with big countries, especially an island nation what other countries have you set your eyes on?

[Davout]

aldriq: Well the AI wasn't too kind to France in your Mama Mia AAR. But still what could possibly go wrong?

Provided my dynamic duo can survive the War of the Roses, I plan a quick trip to France followed by a lengthy stay in Italy. Mantua isn't on the itinerary at this stage but since those episodes haven't been written yet, we will have to wait and see.

Speaking of which...

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Update due early this week.

[Davout]

Love(craft) Day (cont'd)

[General uproar in the chamber. SOMERSET is helped to his feet by the other Regents. He wipes blood from his nose]

FLUX: I’m so, so sorry.
SOMERSET: Who is this person?
NICK: Bob.
FLUX: Flux.
TALBOT: Oh God! We’re not doing that routine again. My apologies, Lord Somerset. This is Bob Flux, the manservant (off a look from FLUX) companion of my physician.
NICK: It’s not her.. his fault.
SOMERSET: He struck me in the face with his foot. How is that not his fault?
NICK: Well, it’s a long story.
FLUX: They hypnotised me.
NICK: Which apparently isn’t that long. (off bemused looks by everyone except FLUX who is looking particularly peeved) You see, a while back we were at a bar, Flux was mouthing off, as usual (FLUX looks more peeved) and anyway, we had a few too many bottles of Wild Turkey when…

(Scooby Doo cut scene - to a bar with FLUX, NICK and 2 other guys)

Modprod offered to hypnotise Flux and whilst she was under, we were joking about the trigger. The F*ck Off Kid suggested internet memes because Flux was always looking for the latest fad, but before we could agree on the response, the F*ck Off Kid was still rambling on about memes and said “Chuck Norris”. Flux then woke up.

(Back to the chamber)

NICK: So every time she hears a meme, she turns into Chuck Norris.
FLUX: That was such a stupid thing to do.
NICK: Tell me about it, I so wanted them to get you to flash your tits. (whack from FLUX) Anyway, Lord Somerset said the meme, so she did the roundhouse.
SOMERSET: But all I said was THIS IS..

(NICK ducks as FLUX knocks SOMERSET down again)

SOMERSET: Guards, seize her!!!
NICK: Quick, Flux! LOLCATS!

(FLUX knocks 3 guards flying)

NICK: O RLY!

(Flux knocks down 3 more guards)

NICK: ALL YOUR BASES…

High Pitched Yell: ORDER!!! ORDER!!! I DEMAND ORDER!!!

(Everyone looks at MARGARET who looks bemused and points to MORTON)

MORTON (gathering himself): There will be order in this chamber!
SOMERSET: In the name of the Regents, arrest that man.

(FLUX tenses up for another onslaught)

WARWICK (stepping forward): Halt guards!
SOMERSET: By what authority do you overrule my command?!?
WARWICK: By authority of the 3rd Act of the Parliament of the 2nd year of our good king Henry II. No member of Parliament or their retainer may be arrested, seized or attainted whilst Parliament is in session or for 1 week afore or after said session save for a capital offence. You have no power to seize anyone in this chamber.
SOMERSET: But he struck me! Twice!
WARWICK: Which is no capital offence.
SOMERSET: Shall I have no redress?
MORTON: The Act, my Lord, restrains the Crown but does not prevent the private right to trial by combat.
(knowing glances exchanged between WARWICK and MORTON)
But Mr Flux is not a noble or knight so an opponent would have to be found to stand in his place. Should your lordship wish to pursue such a recourse.
SOMERSET: Well, he belongs to Lord York’s faction. He can stand vicariously liable for his servant’s misdeeds.
MORTON: Normally that would be the case, my lord but...
SOMERSET: What now?
WARWICK: By the 4th Act of the Parliament of the 17th year of our present sovereign, Henry VI, Lord York and yourself are expressly injuncted from drawing weapons or directly or indirectly causing harm to the persons of each other upon pain of death and forfeiture of property of the aggressor.
MORTON: But the injunction does not apply to other members of Lord York’s faction.

(WARWICK nods knowingly again to MORTON)

Voice at the back of the chamber: Let me answer the challenge then, father!
YORK: Edward! No! He will kill you.
SOMERSET (facing YORK): Come, come, my Lord. Have some faith in your offspring. The Earl of March must grow up sometime.
(turns around to see EDWARD, a 6 foot 4 inches 18 year old, with handsome features and a broad chest striding forth)
But not today.
(has an epiphany)
I have a better solution.
(SOMERSET whips his sword out to the surprise of all and points it at FLUX)
I dub thee, Sir Bob.
FLUX: Flux.
SOMERSET: of Flux. Arise. And face your trial.
MORTON: The trial must be held not earlier than 7 days hence under the Act.
SOMERSET: Very well, let it take place on Michaelmas morn at St Albans. Then we can put this unpleasantness behind us and after your death, enter in brotherly love to the Love Day. Now, what weopon do you choose for the trial - lance, mace or sword?
FLUX: Swhat?



[SCENE: Courtyard at TALBOT’s estate. TALBOT and FLUX are in chainmail and armed with 2 handed swords. NICK watches on.

FLUX charges awkwardly and trips over her mail shirt]

TALBOT: The armour belonged to my son. I’m sorry that I did not have anything more your size. Here. Try this stance instead – it is called the Hawke Guard.

(FLUX tries to imitate TALBOT by raising her sword above her head, but overbalances and falls backward)

FLUX: I’m sorry, honey, This just ain’t my style.
(has an epiphany)
But I know what is. Take me to the blacksmith.



[SCENE: NICK, FLUX and TALBOT at a Smith’s forge]

FLUX: Okay, now spread wet ash along one side of the blade before the final heating.
SMITH: But my lady, that will…
FLUX: Precisely. Do it.

(MONTAGE of heating and beating before the blade is quenched in a barrel of water.

Ominous tympanies and horns play in the background.

Until FLUX reverentially raises the new sword)

NICK: A katana!?!
FLUX (nodding and grinning): Crom!


Michaelmas, 22 September 1453
St Albans

[SCENE: FLUX’s tent. FLUX is getting dressed behind a screen as NICK paces anxiously in the foreground]

NICK: Are sure about going ahead with this? It’s not too late to back out.
FLUX: Yes it is.
NICK: I know, but they always say it in the movies. Besides there has to be another way.
FLUX: Relax, sugar. It’s fine.

(FLUX emerges from behind the screen with red hair and little else)

A preliminary sketch taken by Paolo Uccello shortly before the fight

NICK: What are you doing? Why are you going clothy? Even rogues wear leather armour.
FLUX: I was thinking of going with the Red Sonja look (points to hair) but chain mail bikinis really chafe the lady bits. Besides, no amount of armour is going to save me if he catches me. I need speed.
NICK: I hope you know what you are doing. This isn’t like you kicking my arse in kendo.
FLUX: Don’t worry. I’m Fedaykin. I’ll just use my weirding ways.
NICK (reluctantly): Anyway, here, take this. (NICK hands over a gold ring) I always put it on before a session. It gives +5 dexterity and +2 THAC0.
FLUX (incredulously): Really?
NICK: That’s what the DM told me.



[SCENE: Jousting field with a large crowd in bleachers on 3 sides. HENRY VI (drooling), MARAGARET and the Regents sit in a large stand on the 4th side.

SOMERSET enters in full armour and sword, with red roses on his livery. FLUX enters in a dressing gown with a large white rose, shadowing boxing. NICK and TALBOT follow her.]

MORTON: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this morning's tournament, a trial by combat. In the red corner, the 2nd Duke of Somerset, Lieutenant General of France, Regent and favourite of her majesty, the victor of 10 single combats, the Somerset Smasher, Edmund Beaufort.

(General cheering. MARGARET hands down a white scarf to an attendant who takes it to SOMERSET. He ties it around his right arm. There is more cheering and MARGARET looks very pleased with herself)

MORTON: And in the white corner, for the glory of the House of York, the newly ennobled and inappropriately attired, the Georgia Peach, Sir Bob.
FLUX: Flux.
MORTON: Of Flux.

(General sound of crickets with sporadic clapping)

(MORTON motions FLUX and SOMERSET to step forward and meet in the middle)

MORTON: Now the first rule of fight club..

(FLUX starts to tense up menancingly)

MORTON: Um, we might skip the rules this time. Now gentleman, stay within the square. The fight will continue until 1 or both are dead or there is a submission. Now go to your corners and may God judge the righteous cause.
SOMERSET: You will know fear, fear in the face of certain death.
FLUX: I will not allow you to lecture me on fear. May your blade chip and shatter.

(They part and go to their corners. SOMERSET kneels before a priest who gives a blessing)

FLUX (kneels and prayers to self): Cthulu, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. And also because you are a fictitious deity created a guy with some serious gender and racial issue. Anyway, no one, not even you, will remember if we were good or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that I stood against insanity. That's what's important! Madness pleases you... so grant me one request. Grant me not to get cut up into tiny pieces! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!

MORTON: Lets get ready to rrruuummmbbbllleee!

(SOMERSET strides forward confidently. FLUX gingerly puts her sword up on guard. SOMERSET swings a few times with FLUX moving out of the way ungainly.

SOMERSET manoeuvres FLUX into a tight position. They clash swords)

SOMERSET: You fool! You cannot defeat me! The Queen’s astrologer has foretold that no man shall kill me.
FLUX: No man, huh? Then check out these babies!

(FLUX lifts her top. SOMERSET gives a bemused look and shrugs)

FLUX (insistently): They’re breasts.
SOMERSET (equally insistently): No they’re not.
FLUX: Have you never seen a woman’s breasts before?
SOMERSET: I most certainly have, and I remember them being considerably larger than that. Look, you wouldn’t be the first boy who tried to get me to hand over 5 shillings by pretending they were a girl until we got into the alleyway and I felt their… ah, forget I said that.
FLUX: Damn IBT’s. All right, how about this?
(FLUX lifts her loin clothe)
SOMERSET (in slight surprise and acknowledgment): Oh, right then.

(FLUX charges but SOMERSET parries and they fight on.

SOMERSET advances again, raining blows down on FLUX who desperately parries them. SOMERSET is getting hot. He removes his helm and pushes back the mail cowl.)

SOMERSET: Enough running. It ends now!

(SOMERSET lands three blows in quick succession and finishes off with a pommel strike to FLUX’s head. Flux is knocked to the ground and is concussed. SOMERSET stands over her, raising his sword for the final blow. FLUX instinctively raises her hand. The sun catches NICK’s ring and the glare blinds SOMERSET. A vision of NICK appears before the dazed FLUX and extends a hand to help her up)

Vision NICK (in an unappealing chain mail bikini): Do you want to live forever?

(FLUX stands up with a determined look)

Real NICK (from the corner): Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!!!

(FLUX launches a flurry of blows on SOMERSET who is forced backwards.

SOMERSET finally trips and falls backwards. FLUX kicks his sword away and puts the tip of her katana to SOMERSET”s throat)

FLUX: I guess this is pretty humiliating. Having to lie there whilst the better man..
SOMERSET: You’re not a man.
FLUX: Huh, shen me? Don’t interrupt! I was having a Captain Tight Pants moment. Ta ma de! Where was I?
SOMERSET: Being a man.
FLUX: Right, thanks. I guess it is pretty humiliating having to lie there whilst the better… person refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great person. (suddenly stabs SOMERSET in the leg) I guess I’m just a good one. (suddenly stabs SOMERSET again in the other leg) Well, I’m alright.

(FLUX walks away. NICK and TALBOT come over to to FLUX as attendants rush to SOMERSET)

TALBOT: You must kill him. Honour demands it.
FLUX (walking past TALBOT, tiredly): I don’t kill for honour.

(Sudden commotion behind FLUX. There screams as SOMERSET struggles to his feet and grabs his sword. He charges at FLUX)

SOMERSET: Die you, bi…

(FLUX does a lightning fast spin. Shenk. The sound of something like a soggy football is heard off screen as the headless trunk of SOMERSET runs past FLUX)

FLUX: I also don’t give second chances.

A brief sketch of Flux by Piero Della Francesca at the climax of the fight

[SCENE: FLUX’s tent – There is the noise of fighting in the distance. FLUX is seated, head in hands, sobbing slightly. NICK enters]

NICK (initially jovially): Nice natural 20 back there.

(NICK sees FLUX sobbing and goes to comfort her. They hear the fighting eventually stop. WARWICK enters the tent)

WARWICK: Well, well. Life is always full of little surprises. Well done, my dear for helping to narrow my options. Not the result I was expecting. But not without its benefits too. The Queen’s party is on the run, more than a few of the Regency seats have become vacant through decapitation, and I get the chance to cement my worth to Lord York at no expense to myself. Yes, all round a very good day’s work.

(YORK and TALBOT enter)

YORK: The Lancastrians flee, or at least those whom our swords cannot reach. The sheep of Somerset will shall know true fear.
WARWICK: The day is yours. (bowing obsequiously to YORK) And the government too, my Lord. For in their haste, our erstwhile Love Day brothers forgot a most important piece of the chess board. Which I now happily render unto you as a token of my loyalty to your cause. And as a fellow regent.

(WARWICK takes them to a nearby abbey to reveal his prize)

Henry VI and his newest, bestest buddy, Richard Nevill, Earl of Warwick


Falalalan, falalalera……..


Closing Credits

A Clear Lotus Production
Copyright MMX

“Come see me again some time, darlin”

[canonized]

This is a geek's dream AAR .

Palm D'Or , Meastro . You had me at the memes but you just wouldn't stop .

Surprisingly amazing adventure too , you are a true genius ! - bow bow - Not worthy !

[Davout]

canonized - Thank you for your support, as always. It is greatly appreciated. Thank you again for the inspiration which Timelines gave me to follow through with this.

Unfortunately I now have to go back to the task of compiling the next chapter, to be entitled "By Any Other Name". More notes, plotlines and trawling for pictures. Hopefully it won't take 5 months this time.

[aldriq]

Quick, Flux! LOLCATS!

...I was thinking of going with the Red Sonja look (points to hair) but chain mail bikinis really chafe the lady bits...

...Cthulu, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. And also because you are a fictitious deity created a guy with some serious gender and racial issue....

...Look, you wouldn’t be the first boy who tried to get me to hand over 5 shillings by pretending they were a girl until we got into the alleyway and I felt their...

Classic! I guess after this you can confidently take your characters to Japan any time...

Well the AI wasn't too kind to France in your Mama Mia AAR. But still what could possibly go wrong?

Well, some may say that for France to embrace the enlightened rule of an English monarch through a holy marital union is a good outcome...

[Davout]

aldriq - Your comments and ongoing support are greatly appreciated. I am a bit reluctant to venture a trip to Japan as my knowledge of anime is sadly lacking although I have plenty ideas for a trip to China, eventually.

And at the risk of going off topic, an update to your Mama Mia AAR would be greatly appreciated some time soon. kthnxbai

[canonized]

By the way , I meant to ask : did you make those pictures yourself ?

[Keinwyn]

Brilliant! I thank you sir for providing my morning giggle.

[Davout]

canonized - Sadly, I am completely lacking in the artistic genes. The pictures were done by fans of Flux which she displayed in her now defunct blog on another site. When I was planning the plot, I already had these pictures in mind so I had to fashion the plotlines (katana, clothy) to fit the accessories rather than usual way around. Sadly, I don't think there are any other appropriate (SFW) pictures of our heroine which I can post here until we hit the Renaissance.

keinwyn - Welcome. I aim to please.

[Davout]

[Black screen, NICK’s voice over as tympanums beat ominously in the background:

Between the time of the decline of the House of Gaunt and the rise of the sons of York, there was an age undreamed of. Hither came Flux the Fedaykin, blonde-ish of hair (most of the time), doe eyed, sword in hand – a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and small breasts, destined to tread the jewelled land of England under her stylish yet affordable footwear. It is I, her chronicler, who alone can tell thee of this saga. Let me tell you of these days of high adventure]

INDIES

Episode 1.3
“By Any Other Name”

[Opening credits:

I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
This close to me

Just try to see in the dark
Just try to make it work
To feel the fear before you're here
I make the shapes come much too close
I pull my eyes out
Hold my breath
And wait until I shake...

But if I had your faith
Then I could make it safe and clean
If only I was sure
That my head on the door was a dream]

May 1460

[SCENE: FLUX enters the surgeon’s tent. There is a table in the centre with buckets containing bloody rags beside it. FLUX’s sparse clothing is blood spattered and she appears tired. A 9 year old RICHARD of Gloucester is cleaning up as NICK attends to laying out his instruments on a side table]

NICK (absentmindedly): Please state the nature of… (turns around and sees FLUX) Oh, it’s you. (turns back to the instruments)
FLUX: Isn’t that getting old? You’ve been doing the EMH schtick for 7 years now.
NICK: Actually, Richard and I have been working on a new routine. Observe. (in aslightly Hungarian accent) Hi everybody!
RICHARD: Hi, Dr Nick.

(They both look at FLUX who shakes her head wearily)

RICHARD: Good afternoon, Mistress Flux. I am happy to see that you survived the battle.
FLUX: Good to know someone cares, Dick.
RICHARD: Mistress, please! The First Law of Wheaton.
FLUX: Don’t be a Dick. Right, right, sorry, Richard. (sits down exhausted) God! I am so tired of playing whack a mole with all these darn rebels.
NICK: Who were we repressing today?
FLUX: The Lollard Army of Kent. You’d think Lollards would be all cats and funny captions but they are such surly bastards. And they run like the dickens.
RICHARD: Well, your reputation proceeds you, Mistress. Once the men raise the war cry the Doctor taught them, the enemy knows it’s time to flee your roundhouses of fury. Although I still do not understand what is so special about “Fortune”?
NICK: No, Richard, that’s 4chan. (thwack)

(A herald walks in as NICK picks himself up off the ground)

HERALD: My Lords and Lady, Lord York requests your attendance at the council tent with all haste.

[SCENE: Inside the Council Tent, YORK, WARWICK, HASTINGS, EDWARD and various nobles are gathered around the campaign table. EDMUND of Rutland (17 years old) and GEORGE of Clarence (11 years old) stand to the side but listen intently to the main group. NICK, FLUX and RICHARD enter and join the 2 boys.]

YORK: Lord Oxford’s Lancastrians have been scattered and the sheep are safe. It will take him at least another year to gather a new army. Unfortunately, another crisis is at hand. Lord Warwick?
WARWICK: Thank you, my Lord. Word has reached me from my sources in the North that my nemesis, Lord Percy, is about to declare an independent Kingdom of Northumbria.
GEORGE (cheerily): Well, that will make a nice change from the Welsh and the Cornish declaring independence.
HASTINGS (ignoring GEORGE): We always knew this day would come. The Hotspurs have shown more patience to date than they have been known for. Lucky for us that Lord Percy’s timing is so poor.
YORK: Not as poor as I would like, Sir William. Lord Warwick will ensure that Parliament has refused Lord Percy’s demands but he has raised 20,000 men to march on London.
EDWARD: That is as many as all of our regiments combined!
YORK: Precisely. And manpower is getting pretty thin. We lose more men marching in the muck and mire from one side of England to the other than we lose in battle, and most of the able bodied men are turning up in the opposing ranks. We take longer and longer to refill the regiments. Unless something is done soon, we will simply run out of soldiers.
GEORGE: Maybe we should negotiate with Lord Percy. Strike a deal to give him part of the North and see if he will lend us some of his men to help us hold on to what is left.
YORK (ignoring GEORGE): I have sent word to Lord Norfolk to bring the Army of Ireland to Manchester, to join with the Calais garrison there and march overland to meet up with us at Leeds. We will then march north to Durham to smash Percy’s army before it can grow any larger.
GEORGE: But what about Ireland? And Calais?
YORK (sternly): There will be no half measures! The local castles can hold out long enough if there are any rebels or foreign invaders until we can deal with the Northumbrians and send the forces back to relieve them. And if not, we can reclaim that land after we deal with the threat at home. If we can crush Lord Warwick’s rival, we may be in a position to finally secure the support of the Northern knights in Parliament.
EDWARD: And maybe pass the bill removing Henry as king.
YORK: Precisely. This may our best opportunity to break the deadlock and unite the kingdom behind us at last. Lord Warwick will return to London to ensure its loyalty during our absence. We will rest for a few days to restore our numbers and then march North. You have your orders, gentlemen.

[SCENE: On the Royal Road, 20 miles south of Durham. YORK riding at the head of the column of mud splattered troops. EDWARD, EDMUND, GEORGE and RICHARD follow further down the line]

GEORGE: I still say father should have introduced a policy of Grand Armies. We need the better morale to keep the troops together and win battles. Besides, things are much better when they are grand.
EDWARD: It’s no good having high morale if we don’t have the dosh to pay for the troops in the first place. The country is split in half and coin is harder to find than soldiers. Father needs to secure as much of the gold as possible that is floating around by tightening the tax collectors’ net.
GEORGE: But what good is an army of bureaucrats in London when we face a row of pikes in Durham? Better to give Dr Morton a sword and send him and his pen pushers marching to join us.
RICHARD: The Bureaucracy is not just for this war. One day, the English Civil Service will be admired across the world as a model for the efficient and selfless service of the Crown and the people, maintaining a firm but unobtrusive grip on the reins of the nation to the betterment of all.

(looks at NICK who rolls his eyes)

Or not. Anyway, the country is at the extreme range of decentralisation at the moment. It keeps the people happy but weakens the government. We need something which will tie the people to the Crown again and the Bureaucracy is the first step to ensuring that the people listen to the government, not the local lords.
EDWARD: Provided the government listens to us.
EDMUND: Or we are the government.

[The column comes to a halt]

GEORGE: What on Earth is going on?

(A rider comes up to EDWARD’s group)

RIDER: Your father requests your presence at the head of the column. Lord Percy and his knights approach.

(The group ride forward to join YORK)

NICK: Please state the nature of the military emergency.
(FLUX rolls eyes)
YORK: Lord Percy approaches under a flag of truce. With only a handful of knights. I don’t know what to make of it. The Percys don’t parlay, they fight. And where are the 20,000 men?
GEORGE: Is it a trap?
(FLUX twitches but NICK calms her)
HASTINGS: Only one way to find out.
(HASTINGS rides forward with EDWARD, RICHARD, NICK and FLUX following, to catch up. They meet with PERCY and a dozen knights)
HASTINGS: Good day and well met, my Lord Percy. That is far enough, thank you. We were just on our way to see you. To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit.
PERCY: I have come to seek the aid and protection of your master, Lord York.
HASTINGS: Our aid and protection? The last our heard, that was the last things you wanted north of the Tyne.
PERCY (sullenly): I take no pleasure in the asking, Sir William. But a foe of greater darkness and deeper hatred has come to my door.
HASTINGS: You don’t mean…
PERCY: Yes. That unspeakable evil has arisen and now blights the land. It is…. (pause for dramatic effect)
The Scots!

(sudden gasp from all)

(Well, almost all. Quietly between themselves
NICK: Technically that’s not unspeakable.
FLUX: What?
NICK: Well, he just spoke it so it’s not..
FLUX (frustrated): Shut up and listen!)

PERCY: Two weeks ago, the Scottish king and his army crossed the border. They fell on my army as we were about to head south. My men fought hard but they were raw recruits. The savage beasts from the North scattered them to the four winds. As we speak, the Scots besiege Durham.
EDWARD: And you want us to pull your fannys out of the fire.
PERCY (proudly and angrily): I come to negotiate terms to fight together against our most ancient enemy. Something all Englishmen should join as one to achieve.
HASTINGS: Quite so, my Lord. And a proposition which my Lord York would be happy to discuss further.

[SCENE: Meeting in a field between YORK’s group and PERCY and his knights. YORK and PERCY are seated around an improvised table.]
YORK: It is an intriguing opportunity that you present, Lord Percy.
PERCY: And in return for your aid, I believe I can assist you in the enterprise in Scotland. To our mutual benefit.
YORK: Will your men be ready to sally forth to distract the Scots as we approach?
PERCY: Yes, there is a secret entrance to the castle known only to my family. We will return tonight. I held back my personal retainer of 1,000 knights and 2,000 men at arms from my Army of Independence for just such an emergency. We won’t be able to stand toe to toe with the Scots for long but we should hold long enough for your army to take them in the rear.
GEORGE (enthusiastically interjecting): I can’t wait to take a Scot in the rear.
(Off a look from everyone, GEORGE settles down)
PERCY: Ahem, yes, but you must not delay or all will be lost if they have overrun us and taken the castle walls.
YORK: Do not worry. I have further need for your men after this battle. But will your men willingly serve the Crown again?!
PERCY: In exchange for pardons. And possession of all of the Scottish land my men conquer when you invade. After this army is crushed, the country will be wide open and the castles will be there for the taking.
EDWARD: An invasion of Scotland does sound appealing, father. The war against the Scots should unite the country behind us. And as the Scottish king started the war, there will be no hit in stability.
RICHARD: And any plunder would greatly assist the treasury.
YORK: Agreed. Very, well, Lord Percy. Have your men ready to ride forth from the walls at first light on the morning after tomorrow.
PERCY (shakes YORK’s hand): May we meet again on the field of victory. Or in hell.

An early Pict-et fence…. Lolz (thwack)

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[4th Dimension]

Scots?
Free Deep Fried Mars bars for everyone!

[canonized]

AHHH I'm so happy for an update ! two highlights:

NICK: Actually, Richard and I have been working on a new routine. Observe. (in aslightly Hungarian accent) Hi everybody!
RICHARD: Hi, Dr Nick.

ROFL AMAZING

FLUX: The Lollard Army of Kent. You’d think Lollards would be all cats and funny captions but they are such surly bastards. And they run like the dickens.

You are a genius .

A genius .

And gosh , the Scots . That seems to be a theme for me these weeks .

A very good update , sir !

[Davout]

4th Dimension - Thanks for joining in. Actually Scotland has a lot to recommend itself. The finest single malts in the world, hot accents and very fit women (Sharleen Spiteri, Shirley Manson and Karen Gillan come to mind.... frequently) and not necessarily in that order of importance. I defy any man not to lose his shit when a tight Glaswegian lass who tastes of Lagavulin says "Go harder, big boy". But enough reminiscing (and foreshadowing).

canonized - Thanks. As is always the case, I wrote this months ago before the Picts became fashionable but it took me ages to find the time to type it up and find some appropriate photos (I had some great ones for the next instalment but unfortunately they were NSFW). The good news is that I will have the rest of this episode up during the week and I have fleshed out the plot points for the next episode so I hope to have it up by the end of this month. Which is pretty fast for me.

I had the Simpsons joke in mind pretty early on when I was writing the first 2 episodes but I soon realised that it was never going to be sustainable because the character is just too 1 dimensional. Still, it would have been a shame to waste the joke.

[aldriq]

Nice to get an update - still recovering from the lollards

If you manage another two updates this month we are going to be truly spoilt...

[Davout]

aldriq - *waves* Hi. Thanks for your comment, they are always appreciated. This AAR seems to be getting a good quota of views but not many comments. I think it is Cthulu cursing me for all those years of lurking here. At least, I will have got the the "last page" marker with the next update.

It's funny how much mention the Lollards are getting. That was just a last minute throw away idea for exposition whereas the gags I really slaved on seem to have gone through to the keeper.

Also, good to see Mama Mia back on track. One would almost think that people had a sudden burst of spare time what with alll the wonderful AAR's being revived/started this month. And given the long gap in your last update....

If you manage another two updates this month we are going to be truly spoilt...

People/Glass houses < stones

Pt 2 of this episode should be typed up tonight and posted tomorrow. Until then....

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