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Thread: If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can! A (hopefully) comedic AAR

  1. #21
    Human Enewald's Avatar
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    I fear your heirs might not be your own kids. Just compare their skin colours with that of yours... I'm sorry. The father is a Ethiopian.

  2. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    I fear your heirs might not be your own kids. Just compare their skin colours with that of yours... I'm sorry. The father is a Ethiopian.
    In Nubia there is a more important trait than skin tone. I hope you'll be as amused as I was with how that trait manifests in the children.

  3. #23

    God loves Nubia?

    If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
    A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words


    Georgios I, the Great, and his Struggle for Survival

    1072-1073







    If we don’t use the nannies, there is no point in paying them.







    Nothing like handing off children to fire up the old drive!







    I decide to offer a few extra prayers for Nubia’s safety and protection from its neighbors. Luckily I get along well with God and the church, so I’m feeling pretty confident about things.








    What! The Church kicked out my merchants. I needed those merchants to make Nubia not a worthless craphole. Clearly the Church has far too much power in this realm. Time to make some changes.







    That’s more like it. All power to Georgios baby. It’s a good thing I’m modest, or I’d go on a whole long rant about how cool I am.







    Let me get this straight. First the clergy gets rid of my merchants, now they want me to let them get more taxes. And on top of it all, they demand it. Well screw you clerics. No extra taxes for you. Teach you to get rid of my merchants.







    Look, I made a new friend. Thomas is the independent prince of Crete, which is due north of Egypt. That makes him the closest Christian realm, and he’s in my corner. The door of Church friendship may have closed, but the window of Cretan friendship swings open.







    Sneeze child can go off and play with his real dad in the army. I can’t stand seeing his face about court anymore.







    And finally meet the newest child in the of Dongola family. This brings the total count to one child I’m sure is a bastard, two I’m not sure about, and two I know are mine.

    Are God and Georgios no longer good friends? Will the loss of the merchants spell the end of Nubian development? How long will Georgios keep his wife locked in a tower? Find out when If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can! continues.
    Last edited by Eron12; 15-10-2009 at 20:55.

  4. #24
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Oh, mighty Crete as an ally! Nothing can go wrong now!
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  5. #25
    Patron Saint of Suenik Iain Wilson's Avatar
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    "Sneeze child can go off and play with his real dad in the army."

    I actually laughed out loud at that - well done!

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  6. #26
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    With Crete on your side, you can seriously sandwich Egypt by forcefully penetrating her soft parts with your armies.

    You probably fucked up with god though. Remember it's never wise to piss off somebody you can't see

  7. #27
    Human Enewald's Avatar
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    Why have Cretan friends when you can have Cretan slaves?

  8. #28
    I'm sorry I missed an update, so just for you guys here is a double dose of Nubian goodness.


    If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
    A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words


    Georgios I, the Great, and his Struggle for Survival

    1073-1077







    Who knew years of religious oppression would lead to an increase in organized crime.

    Also, you can see the Fatamids have taken their wayward province back. It’s a good thing I didn’t become the Sheik’s friend or things might look very bad for Nubia right now. I mean worse that being a backwards craphole living in constant fear of invasion by vastly more powerful neighbors.








    When I said I wanted to have a hand in John’s education I didn’t know it would mean having to deal with crap like this. I’m not going to hold his hand. That’s what his mother who is locked up in a tower is for. Working through problems on his own will build character.







    Okay clerics, here’s an olive branch. Behave yourselves, don’t harass my merchants, and I’ll let you educate my daughter.







    Why do they even keep asking me this? Sure I did something different with John, but he’s a unique child.







    And Nubia becomes the first realm in the world to tell long detailed stories of its history. Such as the one you are reading now. Go Nubia!







    I’m going to keep John close so I can continue to shape his development. Since I plan on him ruling this court someday he better learn how it works.







    Nothing like visiting my imprisoned wife to fire up the old drive.







    And the result of that visit. Finally a child with an almost normal name. This also evens up the genders nicely making it three sons and three daughters.








    And just to cover my bases I send Mirza to a monastery. Maybe I’ll make him a bishop someday.


    Wow look at that we’ve made it ten years and still going. What will the next decade hold for the Kingdom of Nubia? Find out in future updates of If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!

    Next time: PEOPLE WATCH1077
    Last edited by Eron12; 16-10-2009 at 03:47.

  9. #29
    And here's Part 2



    If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
    A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words


    Georgios I, the Great, and his Struggle for Survival


    Welcome to another exciting edition of PEOPLE WATCH, where we look at what’s going on with people throughout Europe.








    First up is my nemesis, al-Mustansir. Despite being rude and talking with a lisp, he still manages to rule the Kingdom of the Fatimids due to the skill of his chancellor. He’s got nine vassals who love to suck up to him and do whatever he says. Despite his crazy oldest son’s death, al-Mustansir skill has two others who are ready to take over if he kicks the bucket. Looks like the Fatimids aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.








    Werner von Habsburg is such a real man that he can sit in his county for ten years and do nothing and still be manlier than most. His son Otto has come of age, but has no sons, meaning the county’s future could get interesting, but for now old Werner is just going to lay back and bask in his manliness.








    Oh and in case any of you are too geographically challenged to know where Aargau is, it’s that county in the middle.








    Dirk van Holland has had more than his share of sorrow in the last decade as he has buried two wives and a daughter. Now single again he spends his days raising his two remaining daughters and his son. I’d like to point out that he still rules the same number of provinces I do, makes more money and doesn’t lie awake at night dreading an invasion by neighboring Muslim hordes.
    Lucky bastard.








    And here is the peaceful County of Holland in green.








    Knud Knytling’s life has taken a turn for the better. In addition to becoming the count of Halland, he has an attractive wife and a large brood of children. He doesn’t seem to be getting along with his father the king, but I’m sure that will sort itself out.








    And here is Halland.








    Finally, we look at Harold. He’s left Ireland (no surprise there) and is living his life of exile in Denmark. He seems to have abandoned his dreams of restoring his family to the English throne and is instead studying to be a priest.


    It’s been an interesting ten years, but what will the future hold? Find out with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!
    Last edited by Eron12; 16-10-2009 at 03:46.

  10. #30
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Good to see that the others neither did any progress in the last 10 years...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  11. #31
    Everyone's Comrade th3freakie's Avatar
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    Knud having the good life?

  12. #32
    Patron Saint of Suenik Iain Wilson's Avatar
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    What made you pick the characters you've picked for People Watch?
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  13. #33
    Human Enewald's Avatar
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    Bring Harold to Nubia?

  14. #34

    Happy Labor Day Everyone!

    If You Can't Do It, Nubia Can!
    A story with lots of pictures and plenty of words


    Georgios I, the Great, and his Struggle for Survival

    1077-79

    Welcome back. If you don’t remember, I’m King Georgios of Nubia. If you do remember, then my spy master isn’t doing his job properly.







    Today my people informed me that they had made a great discovery. Apparently outside the village there is a hole in the ground with rocks in it. The peasants decided to take stones from the hole and build things.

    I’ve lived in a wooden fort for the last decade because the peasants lost the rocks.







    Ten years locked in a tower starts to take a toll on my wife. I’m not sure what she has to be stressed about. It’s not like she has anything pressing going on in her life.







    Today John asked me about his future. Apparently someone has been talking to him about primogeniture.

    I told him a) We don’t use that here in Nubia and b) Sneeze-child is a bastard in non-bastard’s clothing, so he is actually my eldest true son.

    Nothing will come between John and the throne.






    Justice continues to visit Nubia, as Marshal Alim died of his Divinely inflicted illness. Let all those who would sleep with my wife take warning from his fate.








    Not only would it be a waste to pay nannies and not use them, but a small tower is no place to raise a little girl.






    And now a PEOPLE WATCH interlude, Dirk van Holland has married a third time and has another child on the way.








    After years of intermittent violence with dissidents in Aswan as ceasefire is signed. I’m still going to convert them, but now things can calm down for a while.









    In another great day for Nubia, the peasants say that instead of dragging their hands through fields to get them ready for sowing, they can use this thing called a plow to do it.

    I hate peasants.






    Well, we do need a new marshal. Though I have to question his intelligence in choosing my court. We aren’t the safest place in the world. And leading a vastly inferior force against the Fatimids is a highly stressful job for a young man.









    This guy is great! Young, bald, and highly talented in the military arts. Hello new marshal. You also might be seeing a princess in your future.


    A change of marshals, and further proof and peasant incompetence rears its head. But Nubia is still hidden from the world, and who knows what the future will bring? Find out with If You Can’t Do It, Nubia Can!
    Last edited by Eron12; 16-10-2009 at 03:46.

  15. #35
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Ah, we do indeed welcome bold, bearded and handsome warriors... Just keep the wife in the tower, one never knows...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

    "Never change a winning avatar..."

    "Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes."

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  16. #36
    Who am I? Cecasander's Avatar
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    It's the great scientific achievements your peasants accomplish that will one day lead Nubia to its true glory.

    Also, the new marshal does look handsome. And his intrigue is very low, so he won't back stab you by sleeping with the queen either (I hope)

  17. #37
    Everyone's Comrade th3freakie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iain Wilson View Post
    What made you pick the characters you've picked for People Watch?
    Knud comes from Phargle's Epic Tale The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud. Don't read this at work. Much laughter to be had.

  18. #38
    Patron Saint of Suenik Iain Wilson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by th3freakie View Post
    Knud comes from Phargle's Epic Tale The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud. Don't read this at work. Much laughter to be had.

    You realise I'm going to have to read this at work now...
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  19. #39
    Everyone's Comrade th3freakie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iain Wilson View Post
    You realise I'm going to have to read this at work now...
    I gave you a fair warning, what you do is up to your conscience and how your boss deals with laughs.

  20. #40
    Patron Saint of Suenik Iain Wilson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by th3freakie View Post
    I gave you a fair warning, what you do is up to your conscience and how your boss deals with laughs.
    Ok - I really should have paid heed to your warning... The guy opposite me (who isn't even a Paradox gamer) is now reading it and laughing (he's spluttering "thanks a lot dad" between mouthfuls of tea) after asking me what was so funny...
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