Blame Canada.
Berlin, the Reichskanzlei. Jan. 5th, 1936.
The Glorious German Cabinet. There are no cats in this picture. You can show it to your hamster, he won't be scared.
**
Hitler: Heil everybody. Lammers insisted we should hold regular full cabinet meetings, so here we are. It's totally pointless since my Plans for World Conquest™ cannot fail, but it gives the readAARs something to satisfy their greedy eyes.
Hitler scowls at you.
Try to understand him. He was having such a nice time before you started reading this post!
Hitler: OK, we'll make this faster than the invasion of Poland. Do any of you guys want to complain about something?
Everybody starts talking at the same time. Of course everybody's complaints are INFINITELY more important than everybody else's, so it degenerates in absolute chaos. Fortunately Hitler has a foolproof means of restoring order: dialing 1-900-GESTAPO.
**
To avoid moderator censorship of this thread, we will replace the scenes of Gestapo intervention with a short discussion on langoustine.
In contrary to common belief, the langoustine feeds exclusively on shellfish.
This is not because it lacks in humanity.
**
Ten minutes and an undisclosed number of Human Rights violations later, order is restored.
Hitler: So... Let's do this again, one by one, gents. Constantin?
Neurath: We have no friends!
Hitler: We're Nazis. We need no friends. Hjalmar?
Schacht: I have no money!
Hitler: Less money for you means more money for Germany.
Schacht: No money for my ministry means no oil for our tanks and no steel to make even more tanks.
Hitler: Whoops.
Hitler dials another number and starts to speak in Russian over the phone. Everybody stares at him: nobody knew Hitler could speak Russian.
To tell the truth, I didn't know either.
After thirty seconds he puts down the phone.
Hitler: I've made an agreement to sell the Russians 30 tons supplies for 5.63 million RM everyday. Will this do?
Schacht: Hmph. It's a start.
Hitler: Ask Constantin for more trades.
Neurath: Couldn't manage any. I did say we have no friends.
Hitler grumbles and turns to Ludwig Beck.
Hitler: What are
your reasons to complain.
Beck: We're Naz-OUCH!
Canaris: I agree with Ludwig, we're nasally impaired after our inspection of OKW Headquarters. With all the sleet it's no surprise we caught a cold. And it's annoying when you can't smell the cordite during military exercises.
Hitler, suspicious: Is that the only reason why you two were complaining?
Canaris: It was Ludwig's only-
Beck: OUCH!
Canaris: -reason. I have another reason - this one:
Canaris: As you can see, our spies are so few in numbers we can't even stop hostile espionage missions from Tannu Tuva.
Hitler, raising a brow: Oh? And how did you manage this brilliant result?
Canaris: I don't have enough spies. Remember you asked for high priority operations in two foreign countries.
Neurath, outraged: How am I supposed to make friends with other countries if you start sabotaging their governments without telling me?
Canaris: Well the first set of agents are working in Austria, and the Führer says it isn't a foreign country but a rebel province. And the other set are helping you convince the USA we're not as bad as Churchill says we are.
Neurath, sarcastic: Oh? And what brilliant operation will help them stop those English-speaking pig-headed isolationists from joining the Allies after Pearl Harbor?
Canaris: This:
Blame Canada!
Everyone sings: Blame Canada!
Canaris: It seems that everything's gone wrong / Since Canada came along
Everyone: Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
Neurath:
Canaris: I could have blamed France or the UK, but since that would invite a DoW by them before we have fifty divisions I thought it wasn't such a good idea.
Canaris stares at Hitler, who looks away and twiddles his thumbs.
Hitler: Blame Canada...
Canaris: Sure
Schacht: The Admiral has a point. If we're going to have an entirely motorized army, it will be rather expensive. See for yourselves:
Hitler: Could we have a translation in proper German?
Goebbels: We've been speaking English since the beginning of this AAR.
Hitler: WAS???
Goebbels: It gives us a better audience. There are more English-speaking readAARs on this forum than there are German-speaking ones, you see.
Hitler: Once I'm through with the implementation of my Plans for World Conquest™ we'll remedy that situation!
Hjalmar, translate your document in proper English!
Schacht: It means it's 164% more expensive to build one decent reserve Infantry divisions when you put it on wheels. Hate to break this to you, mein Führer, but between Hess and me you're only getting a 15% IC bonus.
Goebbels: Ouch.
Hitler, furious: Couldn't you say this before?
Schacht: I was appointed Armaments Minister
after you gave the order to disband all our Infantry.
Hitler, furious: It's Canada's fault!
Canaris: Of course
Hitler: Werner! Any more reasons to blame Canada?
Fritsch: I have no soldiers. I'm feeling lonely.
Hitler: We'll remedy that! Hjalmar! Order as many of those Infantry-on-wheels as you can afford without compromising our industrial expansion.
Schacht: That'll mean only two divisions for starters, mein Führer. We're building 19 more factories at this time, and those don't come cheap without practical experience.
Hitler: Why are we building so many factories?
Schacht: It's only a start. We'll need 191 other factory builds to cover for our increased IC needs.
Hitler: And where are we going to find the resources to run such a big industry?
Schacht: I did tell you I needed money.
Hitler: We'll never have enough money to buy this many resources! We're already importing a third of our Rares, and now you tell me you want our imports to be at least six times bigger - not to mention all the purchases in Steel!
Schacht: You're the Führer. You'll think of something.
Hitler: And how am I going to find that much Rares and Steel?
Goebbels: Invade Russia?
Hitler, sarcastic: Sure. We're going to conquer Russia with three Light Armored Divisions and three SS Motorized regiments! Where did you get this idea, genius?
Goebbels: It's written in
Mein Kampf.
Hitler: ...
Goebbels: You WERE sober when you wrote that book, weren't you?
Hess shakes his head affirmatively. Hitler scowls at Hess. Hess whimpers, leaps off his chair flees from the room.
Hitler, grumbling: Alright, now we've heard Rudolf's complaints. Erich?
Raeder: I have no navy.
Hitler, still grumbling: We'll build one for you, but we'll do it later. It'll be expensive since one of your geniuses at the Ministry for Marine has already tried to force a bill forbidding us from building anything but SHBBs... Joseph, what was your problem?
Goebbels: I was complaining because I had no reasons to complain. It's lucky Himmler and I are friends, the Gestapo failed to understand this was humour.
Hitler: How surprising. And now that I've heard everybody, let me get out of here!
Göring: What about me?
Hitler: Well, what about you?
Göring: I have no friends!
Hitler: Buy yourself a hamster!
**
Will Germany be able to invade Russia? Hell, can they even manage Luxemburg? Will
phargle hate me for stealing his way to end a chapter? Stay tuned and don't find the answers in the next exciting chapter of 'The Führer Goes Nuts!'