No reshuffling the cabinet for a while, unless the readAARs ask for it. Or unless I change my mind
Berlin, the Reichskanzlei. Jan. 5th, 1936.
The Glorious German Cabinet. There are no cats in this picture. You can show it to your hamster, he won't be scared.
Hitler: Heil everybody. Lammers insisted we should hold regular full cabinet meetings, so here we are. It's totally pointless since my Plans for World Conquest™ cannot fail, but it gives the readAARs something to satisfy their greedy eyes.
Hitler scowls at you.
Try to understand him. He was having such a nice time before you started reading this post!
Hitler: OK, we'll make this faster than the invasion of Poland. Do any of you guys want to complain about something?
Everybody starts talking at the same time. Of course everybody's complaints are INFINITELY more important than everybody else's, so it degenerates in absolute chaos. Fortunately Hitler has a foolproof means of restoring order: dialing 1-900-GESTAPO.
To avoid moderator censorship of this thread, we will replace the scenes of Gestapo intervention with a short discussion on langoustine.
In contrary to common belief, the langoustine feeds exclusively on shellfish.
This is not because it lacks in humanity.
Ten minutes and an undisclosed number of Human Rights violations later, order is restored.
Hitler: So... Let's do this again, one by one, gents. Constantin?
Neurath: We have no friends!
Hitler: We're Nazis. We need no friends. Hjalmar?
Schacht: I have no money!
Hitler: Less money for you means more money for Germany.
Schacht: No money for my ministry means no oil for our tanks and no steel to make even more tanks.
Hitler dials another number and starts to speak in Russian over the phone. Everybody stares at him: nobody knew Hitler could speak Russian.
To tell the truth, I didn't know either.
After thirty seconds he puts down the phone.
Hitler: I've made an agreement to sell the Russians 30 tons supplies for 5.63 million RM everyday. Will this do?
Schacht: Hmph. It's a start.
Hitler: Ask Constantin for more trades.
Neurath: Couldn't manage any. I did say we have no friends.
Hitler grumbles and turns to Ludwig Beck.
Hitler: What are your reasons to complain.
Beck: We're Naz-OUCH!
Canaris: I agree with Ludwig, we're nasally impaired after our inspection of OKW Headquarters. With all the sleet it's no surprise we caught a cold. And it's annoying when you can't smell the cordite during military exercises.
Hitler, suspicious: Is that the only reason why you two were complaining?
Canaris: It was Ludwig's only-
Canaris: -reason. I have another reason - this one:
Canaris: As you can see, our spies are so few in numbers we can't even stop hostile espionage missions from Tannu Tuva.
Hitler, raising a brow: Oh? And how did you manage this brilliant result?
Canaris: I don't have enough spies. Remember you asked for high priority operations in two foreign countries.
Neurath, outraged: How am I supposed to make friends with other countries if you start sabotaging their governments without telling me?
Canaris: Well the first set of agents are working in Austria, and the Führer says it isn't a foreign country but a rebel province. And the other set are helping you convince the USA we're not as bad as Churchill says we are.
Neurath, sarcastic: Oh? And what brilliant operation will help them stop those English-speaking pig-headed isolationists from joining the Allies after Pearl Harbor?
Everyone sings: Blame Canada!
Canaris: It seems that everything's gone wrong / Since Canada came along
Everyone: Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
Canaris: I could have blamed France or the UK, but since that would invite a DoW by them before we have fifty divisions I thought it wasn't such a good idea.
Canaris stares at Hitler, who looks away and twiddles his thumbs.
Hitler: Blame Canada...
Schacht: The Admiral has a point. If we're going to have an entirely motorized army, it will be rather expensive. See for yourselves:
Hitler: Could we have a translation in proper German?
Goebbels: We've been speaking English since the beginning of this AAR.
Goebbels: It gives us a better audience. There are more English-speaking readAARs on this forum than there are German-speaking ones, you see.
Hitler: Once I'm through with the implementation of my Plans for World Conquest™ we'll remedy that situation! Hjalmar, translate your document in proper English!
Schacht: It means it's 164% more expensive to build one decent reserve Infantry divisions when you put it on wheels. Hate to break this to you, mein Führer, but between Hess and me you're only getting a 15% IC bonus.
Hitler, furious: Couldn't you say this before?
Schacht: I was appointed Armaments Minister after you gave the order to disband all our Infantry.
Hitler, furious: It's Canada's fault!
Canaris: Of course
Hitler: Werner! Any more reasons to blame Canada?
Fritsch: I have no soldiers. I'm feeling lonely.
Hitler: We'll remedy that! Hjalmar! Order as many of those Infantry-on-wheels as you can afford without compromising our industrial expansion.
Schacht: That'll mean only two divisions for starters, mein Führer. We're building 19 more factories at this time, and those don't come cheap without practical experience.
Hitler: Why are we building so many factories?
Schacht: It's only a start. We'll need 191 other factory builds to cover for our increased IC needs.
Hitler: And where are we going to find the resources to run such a big industry?
Schacht: I did tell you I needed money.
Hitler: We'll never have enough money to buy this many resources! We're already importing a third of our Rares, and now you tell me you want our imports to be at least six times bigger - not to mention all the purchases in Steel!
Schacht: You're the Führer. You'll think of something.
Hitler: And how am I going to find that much Rares and Steel?
Goebbels: Invade Russia?
Hitler, sarcastic: Sure. We're going to conquer Russia with three Light Armored Divisions and three SS Motorized regiments! Where did you get this idea, genius?
Goebbels: It's written in Mein Kampf.
Goebbels: You WERE sober when you wrote that book, weren't you?
Hess shakes his head affirmatively. Hitler scowls at Hess. Hess whimpers, leaps off his chair flees from the room.
Hitler, grumbling: Alright, now we've heard Rudolf's complaints. Erich?
Raeder: I have no navy.
Hitler, still grumbling: We'll build one for you, but we'll do it later. It'll be expensive since one of your geniuses at the Ministry for Marine has already tried to force a bill forbidding us from building anything but SHBBs... Joseph, what was your problem?
Goebbels: I was complaining because I had no reasons to complain. It's lucky Himmler and I are friends, the Gestapo failed to understand this was humour.
Hitler: How surprising. And now that I've heard everybody, let me get out of here!
Göring: What about me?
Hitler: Well, what about you?
Göring: I have no friends!
Hitler: Buy yourself a hamster!
Will Germany be able to invade Russia? Hell, can they even manage Luxemburg? Will phargle hate me for stealing his way to end a chapter? Stay tuned and don't find the answers in the next exciting chapter of 'The Führer Goes Nuts!'
Last edited by Lordban; 28-03-2010 at 16:41.
Ahh, plans going awry before they're even being planned! Always fun.
You know, normal people buy their rares from the world market, not many try to get them via conquests.
SHEEP ARE THE FUTURE
While Thou Shalt Flourish Great and Free (Saxon England, pt. 3) (Started 11 October 2010)
Scenario progress: Base maps complete, pops and diplomacy in progress.
Hello everybody, this is your dear friend Adolf. Did you miss me?
Nothing of interest happened for five months, and my ministers angled for a pay rise if they were to keep playing their parts in this AAR. The money would have paid for admission into sports clubs during the boring pre-war months, and everybody would have played their favorite sport, like watching soccer on TV, feeding Göring and other dangerous wild animals, or shooting innocent deer and innocent passers-by.
We needed the money to buy Oil from the US, so I didn't give them that pay rise. In response Goebbels convinced everybody else to begin an unlimited strike, so we'll be doing an update without them arguing and complaining. Instead we'll be commenting their activities during their subsequent stay at one of Himmler's recreational camps for over-stressed Nazis.
Beck said he didn't need the 300,000 rifles and their ammunition left by the disbanded Infantry divisions, so Neurath started selling them left and right to make money and get his pay rise without asking for it.
Most of the money vanished along the way: I signed ten absolutely non-gamey trade deals, each of them to buy 2 or 3 Oil from the USA. The first readAAR who dares and suggests we signed ten trade deals instead of one because of the +135 net boost in Relations with the USA will have a talk with Himmler.
Canaris gave orders to shoot perfectly innocent tourists. He loves being a Nazi.
Göring bought a hamster. He drove it mad in 4 seconds.
The Soviets decided to prove the world Stalin is nicer than me. The British and the French gathered non-existent intelligence on our non-existent Wehrmacht. And the Austrians decided to wake German opinion up to the necessities of Anschluss.
We had leftover rifles, so I gave some to the Chinese. I even sent men to teach them how to use the rifles.
In return they gave me a bunch of stuff Schacht wanted.
I didn't even KNOW we had a spy in Manchukuo.
And Roosevelt actually started thinking Canada is more dangerous for world peace than I am.
Meanwhile Neurath had a stroke of genius:
Neurath must be going senile.
I didn't fire him because this happened:
You have no idea how angry Mussolini was when he heard about this. He conquered Ethiopia in six months with 100,000 soldiers armed with rifles and supported by 300 planes, while Germany conquered Austria in five months with 10 WWI veterans armed with toothpicks supported by three Volkswagens.
I think I'll ask Himmler to give my ministers back. Somebody has to take the blame for Anschluss, and I'd rather it wasn't me.
Last edited by Lordban; 03-04-2010 at 20:25.
What mod are you using that gave you that China event? It seems good.
Yes it is very good is it not?
I'm just glad it is back
Goering is indeed a very dangerous animal!
Berlin, Jul. 14th, 1936. The office of the Minister of Security.
Hitler enters Goebbels' office without an invitation.
Hitler always enters a minister's office without an invitation.
He looks pretty annoyed.
Hitler: Joseph, we need to talk.
Goebbels: Is this urgent? I'm trying to find ideas to make the French believe our army is bigger than theirs.
Hitler: Swap the number of active troops with the number of recruits in the Manpower pool.
Goebbels: Since we disbanded the Infantry Divisions our Manpower pool is twice bigger than the Red Army, they'll never fall for that.
Hitler: Then find another idea and don't waste my time!
Goebbels: You're the one who just barged into someone else's office here.
Hitler: You're the one who made great speeches about improving the German Worker's Condition.
Goebbels, shrugging: Magda wants another child, so we need a bigger house.
Hitler: How about ASKING ME for a house?
Goebbels: And miss a chance to piss you off royally? No way.
Hitler, shouting: And do you know what happened because A COMPLETE IDIOT wanted to piss me off???
Goebbels: You actually had a reason for breaking into my office?
Hitler: LOOK AT THIS!
Goebbels, totally unimpressed: The Spaniards have civil wars every five or ten years. What does this have to do with me?
Hitler: Well, a French Socialist heard your speeches on the radio and plagiarized them for the French electoral campaign of his Front Populaire. It's worked, he's been elected Prime Minister.
Goebbels: Of course he won. He used my speeches.
Hitler: Then a Spanish Socialist decided to plagiarize the speeches the French Socialist had plagiarized in the first place for the electoral campaign of his own Frente Popular. It's worked, he's been elected Prime Minister.
Goebbels: Of course he won. He used my speeches. I still don't see what I have to do with that civil war.
Hitler, hissing: The Spanish Fascists would rather die than have a Socialist Prime Minister, that's what you have to do with that civil war.
Goebbels: And what does Canaris say about the Spanish Fascists' chances?
Hitler, fulminating: He says they can only lose that war if they do it on purpose.
Goebbels: Then I fail to see the problem. You should be thanking me for bringing Fascism to the Spanish masses, shouldn't you?
Hitler, shouting: And what am I supposed to tell the Volk when we invade Spain? How am I going to gain their support for the oppression of fellow Fascist brothers?
Goebbels: Just lie to them. I always do.
Hitler: That one'll take a VERY convincing lie.
Goebbels: I can invent your lies for you if you're lacking inspiration. My speeches always work.
Hitler: You're impossible.
Goebbels: I know I am. Now do be a good Führer and get out of my office. I've got serious work to do.
Hitler: I won't forget this!
Hitler leaves the office and slams the door. Goebbels looks at the readAARs and winks
It is compared with the demobilized Red Army. We've got a Manpower pool of 1634.
Last edited by Lordban; 29-03-2010 at 03:02.
Goebbels has got some balls. Goebballs!
I see what you did there
Geeez whats he got up his sleeve though? Serious business now!
I love this craziness, Lordban. Keep up the great work!
The Rodina and the Shackles of Humanity - A Soviet HOI3 AAR
"The Italians have a saying, Lemon, 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' And, although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct." - Jack in 30 Rock
I continue to totally enjoy this completely crazy AAR
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