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Thread: The Swiss Account

  1. #1
    Roman LibrAARian comagoosie's Avatar
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    The Swiss Account



    Preface

    As you might have guessed from the graphic this will be a Swiss AAR based off my 3.2b game. What category this will be written in? Good question, probably a history-book. Unfortunately, I ended the game a bit ago, but I did keep all the save games, so luckily I can use my EU3 Stats Generator to remind of what all my mind has forgotten. All the graphs that are shown are from my stats generator, I have not manipulated the data in any form. This may be a little different from other AAR as it uses my stats generator, so hopefully that won’t turn you off

    Oh and don’t forget to comment on the graphs that will be shown. If you don’t like the style I can change them in a heartbeat!


    Prologue


    Dearest reader, my name is Lukas Helwyg, scribe of the Switzerland Administrative Republic. I have been recruited from the depths of Germany to record this nation’s rise – or fall be it that manner. The country’s leaders have presented me with many articles and things of interest to which I am suppose to make heads or tail out of it. While I have already done the basic organizing, shifting the articles to where they belong chronologically, I must admit I do not know how long my task is. Be it 1 year of 10 years, I will finish, as I have reputation to maintain.

    In preparation of my report I have already broken the 150 timeframe given to me into three equal parts of 50 years. This way I won’t get drowned in the sheer information given. I hope you enjoy your read

    Index of Greatness:
    Chapter 1: 1400-1410. The Swiss Big Red Ally.
    Chapter 2: 1410-1420. The Nothing.
    Chapter 3: 1420-1440. Money, Money, Money
    Chapter 4: 1440 – 1450. Or how the Swiss learned that everything isn’t money.
    Part I In Review: The National bank idea.
    Chapter 5: 1450 - 1460. A woman's freedom.
    Chapter 6: 1460 - 1470. Finally something happens.
    Chapter 7: 1470 - 1480. Some More Things Happen.
    Chapter 8: 1480-1490. Oh Really?
    Last edited by comagoosie; 18-03-2010 at 20:15.

  2. #2
    Roman LibrAARian comagoosie's Avatar
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    Chapter 1


    1400-1410

    The Swiss love to do what they do best: take other people’s goods and money and profit from them. It is habitual for them, almost like an addiction, I fear. The worst part is that they are good at it, despite their decentralized ways. The only reason that I can find why they were still alive at that point was because if someone did invade them, they would lose all of their money! It’s either that or most countries didn’t know that Switzerland is covered by mountains inhabited by smug men that yodel with tight shorts and have a wife named Heidi. And somehow these people are the richest in the world, instead of the hard working French Monarch.

    The first thing that the ruler of Switzerland did in early days of 1400 was demand that every other man venture out of the country and into a center of trade, and market their “Holy Cheese”, which had been a closely harbored secret known only to a few. Anyways, almost surprisingly, the Swiss merchants were met with instant success. Everywhere towns would rejoice when a Swiss came to town so that they may hear of his cheese and his wife named Heidi. Remarkably, a young Swiss entrepreneur was giving his “Holy Cheese” speech in Rome and the Pope happened to be nearby. Upon hearing the completion of the young man’s speech, the Pope sanctioned the cheese, daring any country to mess with his lifetime order of cheese he placed lest they want a crusade sent against them. The Swiss were an instant success, as if I haven’t said that before.


    Cheese please!


    So not only did the Swiss economy experience a surge in trading income, it also had protection. In thanks for the safety, the Swiss gave the Papacy a discounted rate, which made hundreds of countries flock to Switzerland and swear protection. The Swiss king decided that the wisest course of action would be to choose the biggest aggressor that also could be easily pummeled into submission by France so an allegiance to England was sworn.

    With the cheese heads, as the Swiss were now known, behind them, the English decided to go on a conquering spree in their friendly little neighbor island, Ireland. They first focused on Tyrone, which was so overwhelmed that the English only lost 33 men total during that war. (It is expected that the 33 men died of carrying all the Swiss gold coins on their backs, which is why paper money is so prominent today. The English would soon learn that the Swiss deadliest weapon was their money, so in future wars, the English would attack by throwing Swiss money at the defenders.) The Tyronians were annexed promptly.


    A typical cheese head warrior at the time period


    Next on the agenda to destroy was a country, whose initials were CNN. CNN did happen to have an ally, BRI. Not too much is known. It is assumed that CNN was another Irish country because as soon as the English declared war, news headlines were switched from “Potatoe or Potato?” to “…”. The English may have actually suffered some deaths due to events unrelated to Swiss money, as a total of 290 English men died (They were buried in money graves, as the English learned not to take prime potato growing land from an Irishman.) It seemed that nothing could stop the juggernaut known as the Swiss Big Red Ally.

    Fortunately, or unfortunately (it is yet to be determined) the eye of an envious Frenchmen turned towards an English vineyard on French soil and plucked a grape. Long story short, a war was started. The Swiss promptly withdrew all their investments from England and kept all of the money England had invested in Switzerland (no one said the Swiss play nice). With no money to throw at the French, the English were demolished, 13,978 dead Englishmen to 3,590 French. The smug smile the Swiss ambassador wore in England during the war has been said to be unforgettable.

    Unbeknownst to the Swiss, saving one’s hide is a very dishonorable thing to do, but they didn’t care one bit because they were skiing down mountains of cash. Indeed, there were positive things about having no allies. The Swiss treasury grew and grew until it could grow no more. Never mind, I lied; the Swiss money warehouses know no bounds, so it had no limits. The time was prosperity for all Swissmen and Swisswomen, as the Swiss had gone from being no one to the world’s largest land-owning bank. Needless to say with all of their money, the Swiss had to become creative in how they used it.


    I hear it’s soft


    The saddest thing was that the Swiss would soon get bored of having so much money.

    Prestige drop
    Last edited by comagoosie; 08-07-2009 at 18:18.
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  3. #3
    Übër Pwnägë rexodia48's Avatar
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    Cheese!!!! Swiss cheese!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?! And money toilet paper. It is very soft. Very very soft.
    _[]_ Look at my special hat!!!!!!!!

    rvf e3xs0odei8a8 Wow. Spellin my name with my nose.

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    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    Non sufficit orbis Lord E's Avatar
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    This looks like it is going to be a very funny story to read. I am looking forward to read more about the money loving Swiss…
    Nice start comagoosie
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    saw what you did there Davout's Avatar
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    I see no pics.

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    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald View Post
    I see no pics.
    Yeah, a few of th pics have disappeared since last night!
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  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by demokratickid View Post
    Yeah, a few of th pics have disappeared since last night!
    Weird, I can see them all

    I'll transfer these pics to imageshack.

    EDIT: how about now?
    Last edited by comagoosie; 08-07-2009 at 18:18.
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    I see them!
    I'm not blind!
    Hallelujah!

  13. #13
    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    Most excellent, coma!
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  14. #14
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    Haha i like those images.
    But i don't like swiss cheese.
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    If it were stinky cheese hats then that would explain the success of Swiss mercenaries on the late medieval/early renaissance European battlefields! Everyone 'd be running away from the smell Later on however, as the enemie gets a bit used to it, the effect dwindles.


    When I use this color I am speaking as a Moderator.

  16. #16
    o_0

    Intriquing....

    Ill be watching

  17. #17
    Roman LibrAARian comagoosie's Avatar
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    rexodia48: I hear people like Bill Gates only use Money toliet rolls. Since each bill is unique it's as if a different bill touches you each time.

    demokratickid: You better or the swiss ain't going to throw money at you

    canonized: I wasn't going for cute

    Lord E: And the money loving swiss would love to...make more money. Thank's for reading

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    cocodtim : Well, then Swiss cheese doesn't like you


    Qorten: It's either that or the enemy started to wear gas masks. That or maybe guns did the trick...

    JosunUrashima: The Swiss thank you for following!

    Update in a few hours!
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    Chapter 2


    1410-1420: The Nothing.

    This is a most difficult time period to write about. Not because it is confusing or that, but rather nothing happened! Even in notes that I was given there was nothing in the column that said “Summary/Notes”, so basically I am going to write on thin air, however hard that may be. So to start off this report I deemed it necessary for a poem by Roger Federer (1390-1418) to be included. Note: He was the only Swiss not known for his cheese, rather his hitting of cheese balls.

    Let me tell you a grand story of me,
    Of how I grew up to be so fine.
    When I was the height of a wee knee
    My father taught me to sip cheese wine.
    Though I enjoyed the thought with delight,
    I couldn’t get my tongue around it,
    The taste – the horrid taste wasn’t right.
    So I hollered for a work permit.
    Speedily my dad sent me away,
    With nothing but some spherical cheese.
    Oddly the cheese started to decay
    When it happened to catch the swift breeze.
    So I did what any Swiss child would do;
    Pick up a stick and whack it cruelly,
    And so I said to the cheese, adieu.
    This is the Swiss that I am, truly.

    As much as I would love to compliment this poem, I cannot, nor will not, but this is the most prime piece of literature produced during the time period. All the Swiss were worried about were their pocketbooks and how deep they are. The stereotypes about the Swiss are true.

    So while the Swiss were being isolationist, hiding in their caves built of money, the rest of the world decided to expand rapidly. Notably France was the main aggressor. They saw the English holding vineyards, which is the gravest threat to a Frenchmen, so the 2nd French-English war was started. England got decimated again, as usual when faced with an equal foe. Sometimes the English would lose entire 10,000 armies to a single French maid (indeed the French finally found their ultimate weapon of doom). The end result didn’t bode well to England, losing 24,707 men out of the 30,000 total casualties for the war.



    While England was throwing a temper tantrum at their overall pathetic performance at making war, Burgundy decided to challenge France to a wine war. It was decided to hold it over a two week period (October 7, 1418 – October 21, 1418), and whoever won got be called the wine champion. What the Burgundians didn’t know about the French is that they can both fight the English and drink wine at the same time! During the bloody wine fest, 12,573 men died with Burgundy shouldering 11,000 (exactly). The war would forever be known as the Burgundian-NeverIASE (Is Able to Swallow Eggnog!). Needless to say the French got to wear the drunken crown of wine until Burgundy challenged them again…




    The heated wine competition


    Status of the world wars…



    In other news, the world’s badboy jumped. Nothing new. The big guy picks on the little guy. It’s a fact of life that the Swiss seem to be ignoring…




    Status of a tiny part of the world that no one cares about


    The decade 1420-1440 may be skipped as the only thing interesting is that Swiss scientists found out how to make women give birth to money

  19. #19
    Cisár všetkých Slovákov demokratickid's Avatar
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    Franco-Asian Wine Tasters? AhAHAhAhAHhAHhAhAH!

    Nice work, sir, and I love your stats generator...
    Current AAR: Das Vereinigte Königreich von Mitteleuropa - Last Updated: October 19, 2011
    My illustrious Inkwell is right here for your enjoyment!
    AWARDED: Irish Shamrock Cookie by King_Richard_XI
    I'VE BEEN CANONIZED

  20. #20
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
    Crusader Kings II

    Join Date
    Apr 2005
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    Las Cruces, NM
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    Lovely stats generator. I'm intrigued by the cash pregnancies, and by the wine tasting. Carry on.

    This AAR is just the right size, btw: good for the digestive system and yummy, to boot. Double carry on.
    Last edited by phargle; 10-07-2009 at 18:43.

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