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Guess the Author - May[/anchor]
by The Yogi
Below follows this months most popular contribution to the Guess-the-Author: Analysis and Critique thread, and the comments it received. Note that at the time of writing comments, the identity of the winning writer was not yet revealed.
A Moment of Horror: An Execution
by Peter Ebbesen
Say this if nothing else, say he was an evil man.
The keeper's voice gently broke the silence, slithering through the bars, calling me, telling me that it was time, finally my time. No doubt, no despair, no enthusiasm, and no joy ever graced his face, nor found a home in his speech. He was, as ever, unaffected by the spectacle of life and death that day when he broke my reverie.
The door to my cell swung open noiselessly on its well-oiled hinges, a sliver of wavering light from beyond illuminating the darkness in which I dwelt, as I rose to my feet. I raised the hood of my robes to cover my head and went penitently to join him in the corridor, bidding the cell that had been mine for these last days a final goodbye.
The keeper had brought along two guards, great and muscular brutes, presumably as a precaution against my legend, for I had been a man of renown once, and much feared before so many things went wrong, but I had confessed and given my word, and even in my depravity my word was my bond still, a greater bond than ever before, my wows sealed in a pact unbreakable – they would not be needed this day.
So many crimes to atone for, my accusers had claimed at the secular trial, the hypocrites. So many deaths every day of the god-blessed year, and they had chosen to single out my few murders? My experiments? My heresy? My
unnatural acts? Accusing a baron over the loss of
peasants? over wayward sons and daughters of the salt of the earth? The shit of the earth, I say. I caused more damage and ruination in my youth in the king's service, which could never ever have been worthy of any god's plan, no matter what the clergy said, and was lauded for it by all who mattered. My wrath grew, even now, to think of the unfairness of it all, but I clamped down the rising heat. My wrath was ever my servant, not my master, and I would go to my destiny as my own man.
The ecclesiastical court had been so much easier to deal with – a showing of true remorse had voided the excommunication and granted the opportunity for confession. It probably wasn't needed, really, since I did then piss on their god, but I have found during my long life that it is best to cover your bases. If guilt be determined by intent, I was certainly a most guilty man, but why should not a man reasonably balance the power of God (or gods) and of demons? All this either-or seemed a conjecture of human frailty! When Barron offered me power to the left hand, did that not leave the right hand free to accept the church? A much more reasonable entity to deal with than human institutions.
A flung root vegetable of some sort greeted my down-turned face as I entered the courtyard, soon to be followed by cries and jeers of the peasantry and a veritable airborne cascade of rotted produce and stones. My guards did nothing to protect me, it goes without saying, harrying me on towards the scaffold. Just for a moment I let my temper get the better of me – I straightened out, removed my hood, and with blood streaming down my broken face I stared down the mob. It was a feeble effort, no power was there in it but that of my personality, and soon the cries rose again:
sorcerer, child abductor, heretic, witch, but I had steeled myself against mere words decades ago.
I wondered then briefly what my accusers would have said had I told them I took their precious 'maid' for my own for a time during the war, binding her with my power, before I led her to her doom? She really was an awful example of the human race, but she broke well and, in the end, she burned well. Silly bitch didn't even have the guts to avoid her excommunication, she probably did believe in her own legend, and if I'd spoken up to my accusers I'd probably only have added to hers rather than my own in the end. I, who was once a marshal of France and always, to the end, a nobleman!
A push – an insolent push to my back – set me walking the few steps to the scaffold where the noose awaited. No burning for me as a heretic, nor gentle beheading as befit my office. A common noose was to be my fate as a common criminal. If only they'd had the gall to use a good hook to hang me from, perhaps one of my own, worn with use, now
that would have been shown style, but alas not. A pedestrian death in front of the crowd in Nantes was to be my fate.
Sooner than expected, I felt the noose tighten around my neck, and I felt the beginning of hope arise. Surely, I would be rescued soon. Surely, Barron would grant me the power to burn brightly, ending in glory! Despair fled me! Nothingness? Who can possibly fear nothingness! And, if not, then soon, my absent friends, I shall return to the dust from whence I came and we will dine in glory on the day of the resurrection of the Lord. Either way, I would win! I cracked with laughter as the executioner, the laggard, got moving.
And the ground disappeared under me. The noose broke my neck smartly and that was the end of the monster Gilles de Rais.
Awakening alone in the earth brought on a feeling of sheer terror never matched in my living experience, but I have put such human frailty behind me, now. I live now to serve, and I serve well indeed, collecting and taking what is needed when nobody notices, a despoiler of life, love, and innocence, and when the last trump sounds, and when the serried ranks of angels take to the field, then I too shall marshal my armies, and I shall fight at the side of my master, the fallen angel Barron, and I shall have my revenge, for the clergy
lied to me.
COMMENTS
Alfred Packer: Okay, I like the internal monologue. The opening line sets the scene up rather well and the story flows well right into the ending. Giles thinks he is off to heaven or will be rescued in life by the devil and instead he winds up a minion of Hell, which is a good twist.
There was a good presentation of the mindset of, not just Giles, but medieval nobility (after all, he was only arrested after he held a Bishop hostage - he'd been suspected of the peasant murders for years without anyone of note caring).
Since he is such an awful monster, I would have liked his moment of horror to have been more, I don't know? Horrific? He describes it all with the same intensity one might describe a well enjoyed turkey sandwich.
I didn't quite understand the Joan of Arc references. I couldn't decide if he was claiming to have won her to Satan, deflowered her, driven her insane or was involved in her capture by the English. (or some combination)
Granted, it is clearly implied in the end that this isn't stream of conciousness, but rather he is reflecting on his 'betrayal' by the Church, so the detached air is explaned once I reached that point.
I thought it was interesting that he doesn't blame Barron, who also betrayed him...but then...it is also natural that he would target his bitterness at the ones he will get to hurt (at armageddon) rather than at the devil he is forced to serve.
Stuckenschmidt:I like this story. First because of the medieval setting. But mostly because I`m a sucker for these "Inside a Madman"-stories. And the character`s depiction as sick and sociopathic beast was very good and consequent.
Finally I have to say, that the author`s style is to my taste. Such as this line:
...but she broke well and, in the end, she burned well.
It was at the end of the story that I realized he was talking about Jeanne d`Arc and I had to laugh about it. Very well made, indeed.
I had nearly made this piece No. 1, BUT......as Alfred stated, there is not much horror. So I`d like to say: Good story but a little bit off topic.
EDIT: I`d like to agree with Avernite, that this story was probably written by Peter
Rensslaer: Okay, I did really enjoy this. It had many points against it on a personal level -- I generally dislike pure monologue (and I was trending toward more intense dislike by the time his monologue covered his death!), the character was genuinely dislikeable and that made me question why he was the subject of the monologue, and I'm not a huge fan of vampire/zombie type stories.
But I must admit, I was surprised and impressed when I came to the end, and understood why it was written the way it was, and why my reaction against the monologues' describing his death was improper and premature.
I'll have to say this is my favorite of all of them.
It was well-written, well-conceived, and kept my interest (I did get turned off by how vile the guy was, but so long as there's a point to his vileness, I can always forgive that). It also adhered to the challenge topic, which I believe is important now that these will be featured in print for an audience which doesn't yet understand GTA (it might not be best if our winner for the first round didn't even meet the challenge!).
I was prepared to think that the story missed the challenge -- lacking a sharp moment of horror -- until the very end when I understood the man's horror was more than mere death.
Very well done! Thanks!
Avernite: Maybe it's my EU2 obsession, but it was nice to have an intro that made me (after a while) know exactly where we were, without being seperate. The story definately does that best of the three.
The rest of the story also flows naturally from all that, but it does leave me wondering, what's the horror? It is exactly what he deserved, it is exactly how it should be, and it's fun to see it happen to the bad guy.
Conclusion
I think number 3 is the best story, in most senses, as it finishes the story, and starts it, all in one go. It does require a bit of obscure knowledge to fully appreciate, but then, who HASN'T had the event 'the trial of Gilles de Rais'?
However, this was an assignment, and I don't fully think it had a real moment of horror. More of, as they say in German, Schadenfreude. The second story didn't really make me think of horror either, more of despair, sadness, or just the world hating someone.
So, story 1 wins my vote, having two moments of horror, even if it is a bit unclear (as Peter Ebbessen said) how horrid it really is.
As an aside, at this point I'm guessing also that story 3 was written by PE. The lack of following what you expect, while writing a good story, seems rather like what I know of his stories.
The Yogi: This is easily my favourite of the three. The first person narrative is expertly carried out, and the odd perspective of Gilles de Rais brought to life; yes, he’s a demon-worshipping serial killer of children, but he’s also a XV century French aristocrat and a XV Century Christian (in a way). That legalistic medieval approach to the Christian faith, so alien to us, the author has pat down, just like the savage contempt for the lowborn typical of the medieval French aristocracy. Gilles really thinks that once he has confessed, he’ll be home free, even though he “pisses on their God”. He has gone through the motions, and is so certain that will be enough to let him “dine in glory on the day of the resurrection of the Lord.” That genuine regret is required for absolution never occurs to him, and obviously the clergy never told him.
There is humour here too, regarding Joan of Arc. She burnt well, indeed. The only thing lacking here, perhaps, is a bit of horror – Giles looks on to his execution with equanimity, and fear only materialises post-mortem, so to speak. But that fear is Gilles’s and not the reader’s – if anything we snicker a bit at him finally getting his just desserts.
But that is all well, the assignment was “A moment of horror”, and a moment of horror there was in the story, so no gripes there really. To my mind, this is writing of a professional level.
comagoosie: That was one epic last line, which seemed to brighten this piece. Overall, I didn’t like it. I didn’t find the unique spark, which clearly defines a story. It may be that I found it a bit boring. I don’t think I ever got to know the character. Right when he started to reveal himself, he died. A bit disappointing. That said, I do like the down-to-earth take. I had the feel of seeing the normal execution of a criminal. Flinging rotten vegetables only made it more believable. This is the most believable and simple story out of three (and I don’t mean it as a bad thing. Most of the time, the simpler you aim for the better the story is).
Snugglie:
Author 3 said:
Say this if nothing else, say he was an evil man.
A good opening line always sets the tone, and this one makes the literary centre of my brain dance mazurka. Magnific.
As for the story itself, I've never been very fond of monologues. Initially, as the narrator appeared to literally be walking towards his death, it also appeared mightily puzzling. Luckily for the reader, the narrator's more eloquent than sympathetic, so it becomes a good read anyway.
I find this entry to be the hardest to critique, as I can't say anything in general about it. That'd be the format, yes, but that is a personal preference of mine rather than real criticism. I could say something about the language seeming a bit too formal or complex, but given that this is an aristocrat of past times that might be a directly invalid statement.
As much as it irks me, I don't -- presently -- have anything more to say about it. Sorry about that.
Storey:Probably the best written and most traditional horror story of the three. Many, many nuanced choices of words that I really appreciate in bringing the story to life. It feels like a lot of effort went into creating a clever and intelligent story that is filled with hints for the reader to stumble on in order to discover who the character is before he’s revealed near the end and no I didn’t figure it out. Really well done and I’d be hard put to find anything serious to criticize. Bravo.
Peter Ebbesen: An internal monologue that persists through death is somewhat uncommon outside stock vampire-horror fiction and carries all sorts of potential problems with it and pure internal monologue itself is certainly not my favourite either, but the author manages to make it work – not without some problems - but it does work, and the reason it does work is probably that a thoroughly vile main character with no redeeming virtues whatsoever was chosen.
There's an obvious risk to such a choice as few or none of the readers will feel the slightest sympathy with him (and if any do, you should improve yourself dammit), and even empathy is going to be in short supply, so it can work as a real joy-killer for some people. On the other hand, it means that the usual cop-outs such as “he was a good man who fell into bad company/made a terrible mistake/deserve a second chance” that can lead to a happy ending are utterly done away with.
I really like it, but for a short story outside an anthology such as “Villains victorious”, conventional horror is “bad things happen to a good man” with “bad things happen to a bad man” hardly being worthy of notice – while it started gently and revealed the main character nicely along the way (and I was delighted by the description and attention to detail with regards to late medieval morality and religiosity), the story did not end up the way I had expected. An extra paragraph or two prior to the execution wallowing less in specific acts and more in personal justifications would probably have improved the story by making the paragraph following the execution – the real wallop/twist of the story - more powerful.
Though there were lots of hints along the way, a summary prior to the execution of what Gilles truly cared about (and hence was a cause for his horror in the end) would perhaps have helped: being in charge of his own destiny, actions, and temper, being master rather than servant, relying on his own wits more than anything else – stuff like that. Then again, it might just have fallen flat to have a checklist before death followed by a “by the way, let's just cross off stuff from the checklist after death one by one to show he's been well and truly betrayed by his own way of thinking”
The first line of the story: “Say this if nothing else, say he was an evil man.“, really says it all and is without shadow of doubt in my mind the best opening line in the last few rounds of Guess the Author due to the way it sets the scene.
Overall, the story is very well written and the only major fault I can find is that the proper use of tenses, so strictly adhered to until then, is utterly lost in the noose paragraph: (My highlighting)
Sooner than expected, I felt the noose tighten around my neck, and I felt the beginning of hope arise. Surely, I would be rescued soon. Surely, Barron would grant me the power to burn brightly, ending in glory! Despair fled me! Nothingness? Who can possibly fear nothingness! And, if not, then soon, my absent friends, I shall return to the dust from whence I came and we will dine in glory on the day of the resurrection of the Lord. Either way, I would win! I cracked with laughter as the executioner, the laggard, got moving.
In my most generous moments I think it might be an attempt by the author to insert emotion by the narrator (who is remarkably short on displayed emotion in the “what's done is done” part of his story only letting feelings be visible to all in his final “that's how things are now” sequence) to show what REALLY mattered to him at the time, but if so, it did not work well, and I suspect it is just a mistake of tenses, the author running with the moment in his madness.
Author: I guess that this story was written by me because that's what the majority, of those who've guessed at all, have been guessing. That puts me in good company whether I be right or wrong.
I deem this story my favourite story of the three, beating out number II which was twice as long as needed and killed my love for it as a whole thereby, and number I which, while a very good attempt, needed more work for it to qualify as a really good story.
The Yogi is the current coordinator of the [thread=132748]"Guess-the-Author" Analysis and Critiques[/thread] thread